Parenting Advice!

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   thoughtfulmomof2posted 11 years ago

   So I have two children, my son age 3 and my daughter 10 months old. I was told by countless people that I should prepare myself for the terrible two’s. So I waited, and well I am here to report that two’s were a breeze.  Three’s on the other hand that’s a whole different story. I feel that all of a sudden I’m losing control, my son no longer takes me serious. I have tried everything from timeouts, taking away his toys, to occasional spankings if he gets outta hand. Nothing seems to be working, please help any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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      renegadetoryposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      That depends... I find time outs to be very effective, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do them.
      
      I learned from watching Super Nanny how to use time outs.  First you clearly establish boundaries and when your son breaks them ( the ones that warrant a time out) you send him to a designated spot in your house (it could be on the bottom step, in the corner, etc.) tell him in a sfirm but calm voice why he is in time out and he must stay there for 2 whole minutes being quiet. 
      
      As soon as he yells or talks or cries, the clock starts over at zero.  When he is in time out you are not to pay attention to him regardless of what he says.  If he runs away, you send him back and tell him exactly why he is in time out in a calm, authoritative voice.  In the beginning this may take a while (you may have to put him back 20 or more times) but as long as you remain consistent with time out, the next day should be remarkably easier.
      
      When the 2 minutes is up and he has been quiet for the 2 minutes, you ask him why he is in time out.  Then depending on what he did (if it's my daughter and she hit her brother for example, she must go to him and say sorry and then she gets hugs and kisses and mom or dad's attention again) he may have to say sorry or clean up or whatever he didn't do and then you give him all the attention you want, including hugs and kisses.
      
      This is what we use in my house with my 3 year old and it has worked really well.  I hope it helps!

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      Beth37posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      It is the 3's. It's worse than the 2's, remember it's a season, it will pass. The main thing to remember is consistency. Don't lose your cool, teach, discipline and don't give in. I had 2 kids who were unbelievably hard to raise at that age, but hang in there. Teach them well and they will end up great. Take heart... every age comes with challenges...
      
      Consistency.

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         thoughtfulmomof2posted 11 years agoin reply to this

         I try so hard not loose my temper which is not always easy, and when I do I always feel so awful about later because I know I can handle things better than that you know? But thank you so much for your encouragement!

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            Beth37posted 11 years agoin reply to this

            I do know what you mean. Toddlers are serious work. But like I said, it's a season... hang in there, they'll be driving before you know it. That's the truth.

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            Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

            Anger is natural. They need to know when you are upset and why.  On the other hand-   Have YOU set up expectations within the child which are unfulfillable (by you)?
            Other important points:
            1. If you planned to do something but then you can't follow through, the child must adapt. This is life. (...for example, you said you would go to the store but you end staying home to talk on the phone and then you must cook dinner. In other words, the child must learn adapt to upset plans.)
            2.  If the child wants something, do not give it to him at the time of demand. Instead, present it with your authority when You say he can have it. (Even if only five minutes later.) This takes getting used to on your part, if you are not naturally authoritative.)
            3. If the child cries and cries, do not be blackmailed by those tears. Let the crying occur. Wait for the child to get bored of crying. Do not give in!  Eventually the child will stop crying and look for new stimulation.

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               thoughtfulmomof2posted 11 years agoin reply to this

               Hmmm... I do have a tendency to give him things when he asks for them. I never thought of making him wait so he is on my terms. But isnt that what I should be doing as amom Iis getting him what he needs when he needs it.  I am not really sure if I would call it expectations bur I believe I have set up boundaries for him which I believes he understands. But sometime even though there are boundaries it doesnt stop him from acting up!

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                  Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

                  Kids are always wanting what they want. You must be the regulating force. They were just born and you know best. How could they know?  (Unless it is a wet diaper, hunger, etc. Use common sense here!) Just make sure to establish the reality that you have jurisdiction over everything. Then he will feel secure.
                  
                  Oh, Love is a given. You love him and He loves you.
                  
                  Has he been attempting to blackmail you with tears?
                  Allow him to cry. He will get tired of crying after a while. It won't hurt him to cry or fuss. (Just your ears and your feelings.) Think logically... If you give in, it will only set up expectations for him to get what he wants: for You to give him what he wants... and it rewards the crying.

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      Phoebe Pikeposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      My son is going through the same thing right now. He was an angel when he was two and now he acts up. How I deal with it? It's for attention in his case. Don't pay attention to the fits and screaming. Ignore it otherwise they have an audience. I will actually leave the room and he will stop and follow me to throw himself on the ground again. I continue to leave the room and he gives up in a huff.
      
      In public, I take him out of the store immediately and put him in the car and just give him a stern talking to. When I've said my piece, I start talking to my fiancé or I'll pop out my phone and pretend to be having a VERY interesting conversation. If he behaves, he has my complete attention. If he misbehaves, he knows he will receive no positive feedback for it.

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   thoughtfulmomof2posted 11 years ago

   Wow, that is so great! I will definitely have to try out this method! Thank you so much for taking the time to explain your method to me!

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   thoughtfulmomof2posted 11 years ago

   Ps. Ill let you know how it goes

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      renegadetoryposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I hope it works and just don't get frustrated if you have to keep putting him back in time out because he won't sit quiet for 2 minutes... the first day you do this it's always hard.. but it gets better and I promise you will be less stressed out!

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      renegadetoryposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Here are some testimonies from real moms who have tried it too.  On the show the Nanny called it the "calm down corner" but it's essentially time out.
      
      http://www.cafemom.com/group/preschool/ … Supernanny

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         thoughtfulmomof2posted 11 years agoin reply to this

         I will definitely try my best to keep calm and be consistent,  thank you for sharing that link with me its nice not to feel alone in all this and to see other parents strategies and stories! Thank you again!

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            renegadetoryposted 11 years agoin reply to this

            You are definitely not alone in your struggles with your kids :-) You are very welcome!

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   rebekahELLEposted 11 years ago

   Threes can be a challenge.  My first son breezed through his toddler years, then hit 3.  If your child is home rather than in a preschool setting, I would make sure you have a relatively structured day for him.  Often the more structured their day is, the easier it is for them, as long as they have free time to play.  Add variety to his activities and watch what he does well.  Reward his behavior rather than praising him.  This age loves to please.  They want and need attention, but keep it focused on the process rather than our desired outcomes.
   
   As was mentioned before, I would make sure he understands his boundaries/consequences, and keep them very simple.  And try to remain calm while dishing out the discipline.  I know it can be hard, but be consistent.  There are also great blogs for parents of preschoolers to get and share ideas for all aspects of parenting.  Try circleofmoms dot com for a list of blogs.

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      renegadetoryposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I totally agree with this... having a schedule for my kids (nothing written in stone) really helps.  We have playtime after breakfast, reading time at such and such time.. after lunch is when we play outside, etc.  It makes life much easier!
      
      Also, it's really important to get the kids in bed early so you have some time for yourself or you and your hubby in the evening.  I would go crazy if I didn't get even 15 minutes to myself.

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      thoughtfulmomof2posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Currently I am staying at home with him, but it is hard to structure his day he gets so bored so easily, he is very smart and learns very fast but the same things don't interest him from day to day. His routine is pretty consistent as far as lunch times and sleepy time but when I try to structure it's like he freaks out and gets nervous! Maybe its something I am doing wrong?

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         rebekahELLEposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         A child can easily feel your emotions, even your fear or anxiousness. The more confident and relaxed you are with your parenting skills, the more security you're giving to your child.  It takes time and mistakes. We all make them.  A very active child needs a relatively balanced day of active time/less active time.  A 3 year old still needs a nap or quiet time in a quiet place. 
         Slowly start introducing more structure into his day.  I wouldn't do it all at once.
         
         I would make sure any child has adequate time outdoors in the morning and afternoon, especially an active, easily bored child.  They need to run, move, explore and discover.  You can also have quiet time outside with books, an easel, chalk, bubbles, etc.  Or take a nature walk and see what you can find. 
         Parks, libraries, splash parks, children's museums (if you have one nearby) can be part of a weekly schedule.
         
         I'll post this and get back to you with a few of my favorite mommy blogs.  It can help to follow a few favorites and interact with the other moms who leave comments/questions. 
         
         Structure can often help with a child's behavior and helps to teach responsibility and anticipation.

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            Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

            I agree with RebekahELLE.  Structure just shouldn't be too rigid. Some mom's go overboard on scheduling issues.

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            thoughtfulmomof2posted 11 years agoin reply to this

            Thank you all this support has been so great, we are trying little things here and there and trying to be consistent. When I first posted this I didn't think I would get so much support and so many wonderful suggestions. I will definitely try to add some of these great ideas into his daily schedule. Thank you!

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         Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         The same thing everyday is boring to anyone. Let things flow according to how you must live your life. A loose schedule is best, based on the necessities of life itself: food prep, nap times. shopping, stroller rides for exercise, park outings for fun, etc. Let it be natural.
         *Remember to enjoy life with your child and enjoy your child. He is not little for long.

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   Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years ago

   It is important to remember that You are in charge. The child needs you to be in a position of authority. He was just born and is programmed by nature to follow you. He wants to please you. Some parents set up a reality of catering to the will of the child. This attitude/behavior is a real mistake. You know what is best. Maintain your stand...
   and No must mean NO. Stand behind your NO.
   and
   Don't be blackmailed by tears.
   And remember:
   1. Your child loves you.
   2. Your child needs to be respected as a Child of God.

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      thoughtfulmomof2posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Wow, thank you so much for your advice, it is a possibility that I allow myself to feel guilty and I know I shouldn't. Maybe I have been afraid that if I am to harsh that he won't love me, I never thought about it from that point of view. Thank you so much for your post!

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         Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Acting on this advice will help you to develop a more authoritative position. I am glad you are receptive!  Birth to six is a time when the psyche of the child is developing and everything you set forth now will be permanent. He needs boundaries for the freedom to learn, grow and experience life. And at the same time, he needs help to develop the all the abilities he will need to become a strong capable person. The key is to know when to step in and when to stand back in helping him develop. Allow him to concentrate on whatever he is drawn to in his world. Place things in the environment that he will be stimulated by to work with. (Hint: Concentration is developed according to focus. Focus is activated by interest.)
              At this age, the child is growing from within according to nature's blueprint of  progressive development. You must allow the inner life within the child to flourish.  Protect that inner life.
              Don't bombard him with too much outer stimulation. He is finding his own stimulation. Place activities at his level...  low shelves and small tables really help. He is learning from you and his environment. Teach him how to do things by showing him how to do them slowly and carefully without too much conversation.
              Set the reality for yourself and your environment that you want him to have. He is absorbing the world around him and trusting you to guide him within that world. At fifteen years old he will begin guiding his own will based on what he has absorbed during the formative years.
              I learned all this information from a Montessori teacher who had worked with Dr. Montessori, herself. I was very fortunate. I am so happy to pass on what I learned in raising my own children according to the wisdom of Dr. Montessori.  You can read her books: The Secret of Childhood and The Absorbent Mind. She was known for the freedom she gave children, but I learned that she also believed in boundaries and discipline. In fact, she believed that boundaries and freedom are two sides of the same coin.  The setting of boundaries is subtle and based on the child's progressive sense of reality, (which she calls the "sense of order.")  I hope you will order these books. Good luck.
         
         P.S. My son was four when my daughter was born. Learning how to deal with my daughter properly helped me correct what I was doing wrong with my son: never saying no, catering, bombarding... I changed my ways and everything has turned out beautifully.

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   Jennifer Sucheyposted 11 years ago

   Sounds like you have a "strong willed child". I'm happy to say I can't relate for the most part. However, if I did have one I'd be reading James Dobson's book, "The Strong Willed Child". I've read another of his parenting books, can remember which right now as my girls are teens now and it was years ago, but it helped me a lot with my parenting. They are awesome girls. But I know that I had it easy compared to some parents with kids that are ridiculously stubborn.
   
   The best I can say is to be consistent. Always consistent with what you will allow and won't. Let him know what the consequences will be if he disobeys and follow through every time.

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      thoughtfulmomof2posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you, I will definitely be checking this book out! I am always open to reading suggestions and advice so if you think of any more books please let me know!

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   rebekahELLEposted 11 years ago

   I'm happy to hear it helps.  My profession is early childhood education, and I'm also a parent. 
   
   Something I'd like to add in light of understanding structured time.  I don't mean structure every waking moment.  A child needs time to use his imagination and discover on his own.  I mean structured in a sense that his time has some sort of schedule, even scheduling 'unstructured' free time.  A child learns a lot through play, and figuring out what he can do with his own free time.  I would limit screen time, a lot, if he is spending time in front of any kind of screen.  A three year old doesn't need more than an hour total in a day, not all at one sitting.   Too much screen time can be a recipe for raising a child who bores easily, because he wants to be entertained. We are seeing more and more preschoolers entering school at three not knowing how to play.
   It's rather sad. 
   
   You've given me some ideas on hub topics that I've been thinking about!  I'm glad the thread is helping.  You've received some helpful advice. 

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      Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Rebekahelle!    It more than sad! It is to be prevented!  It must be stopped! The inner life of the child is being completely bypassed as he sits in front of a screen. This bypass will prevent the child from developing his psyche,  intelligence and the very ability to survive in the world. It is against nature to put a child in front of a screen. This technology must be limited to those over six years of age!!!!!
      Thanks for reporting what you have witnessed.
      I really think something must be done.
      Mothers! Unite against early technology use!
      Is it child abuse?
      Should it be illegal?
      I think so.
      Research on the effects of early technology use for children before the age of six should be done and reported immediately.
      Montessori discovered that birth to six is the second embryonic period of the child. The psyche is developing and going through progressive stages of development. It is nature at work. This period is crucial in the development of every child. Every mother must read Dr. Montessori's books:
      The Secret of Childhood and The Absorbent Mind.

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         Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Concentration, focus, and interest must be acted upon within the child. Allow these abilities to manifest by making sure the child deals directly with activities and interests within his environment. Parents can add interesting things to the environment.  Fish to watch,  toys in containers, doll houses, sorting activities, drawing/coloring materials, painting materials, clay, play-doh, blocks, lincoln logs, legos, etc. They need to use their senses: eyes, ears,  sense of touch... Manual manipulation of objects such as spoons, small  shovels, etc. Not to mention books and reading with mom. Remember libraries where you can check out books for free?

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            thoughtfulmomof2posted 11 years agoin reply to this

            Kathryn those are all great ideas. My son actually loves books so we are actually going to library today to get him some books! So this should be fun!

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         thoughtfulmomof2posted 11 years agoin reply to this

         I was hearing that children were having to see therapists or something like that for ipad addictions. I think that it is awful that some have allowed technology to raise there children.

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            Kathryn L Hillposted 11 years agoin reply to this

            uh oh!  Those therapists should do somthing to get the word out concerning the dangers of ipad use.   addicted!!!
            I am very alarmed.
            What can we do?
            ideas anyone?

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               thoughtfulmomof2posted 11 years agoin reply to this

               The sad part is not all parents are as concerned. Kindle fore has a option to place time restrictions where it locks kids out after a certain amount of time, but  shouldn't parents be responsible for that?

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