Spanking isn't effective for all children, and seldom effective once they have reached twelve.
Usually, misbehavior is the child's way of demanding more attention. Do you do things together, just the two of you? Do you go to the movies together, go grab an ice cream cone or a burger together, or something similar?
I had two daughters, and the youngest often misbehaved. I tried everything, but it was paying her special attention that did the trick.
I also recommend reading to her; that is also beneficial, and not just for the bonding. Children whose parents read to them get better grades, which means that they do better at school, which frequently means that they misbehave less. It also helps them later in life, so you are killing multiple birds with one stone.
It's kind of disappeared. Was here this morning, so was the link I posted. And I'm not the OP.
It was basically whether or not she should spank her 12 year old daughter. She raised her with spanking, but stopped a little over a year ago. Lately her daughter has been headed down the wrong path, and wanted opinions on a slight course correction.
Spanking is not effective on any children not ever. It is a cop out for parents who should not have the responsibility of having children.
It is their own anger and lack of communication that needs addressing.
How would you like to be hit by someone twice your size? Humiliated just because you are a child.
Children are not objects they are people.
I hope you are not serious! It is a foul and despicable act to hit a child in any way!
Girls. Glad I didn't have to raise one. I have nothing against parents raising kids by their own standards. I don't think spanking works, but I didn't need to add that to my arsenal of disciplinary actions.
I doubt spanking is still an option, at her age. I would assume a preteen has quite a lot of privileges. Don't be afraid to take those away, but stand behind your decisions firmly. Good luck. Teenage girls can be murder on the nerves, I hear.
I heard once that the best way to change your child is to change yourself. When the examples for how to behave, get what we want, and generally cope with all life's little troubles changes, it's going to change the lesson we are teaching the kids. I notice that the kids at the school I work at who have problems with authority and behavior usually have hot tempered parents who also have problems with authority, on the other side of the coin you see parents who are NEVER ruffled and upset by getting to school late, not finding a parking spot, etc. seem to have kids who don't get ruffled when so and so wont do what they want. I suppose spanking is the best way to teach your kids, don't be like me, and possibly the least likely to work since kids are very much like their parents in most cases (not all mind you, sometimes lovely kids come from horrible families and vice versa).
I do not currently have a pre-teen however I have close friends that do and know what they do that has seemed to work. Take all her PRIVELEGES away. Make her know that privelges are EARNED not just GIVEN. She doesn't NEED a radio, tv, phone, friends, etc to LIVE. Take all this away and make her EARN it all back. The longer she behaves the more she gets or gets to do. I do NOT believe SPANKING a 12 year old will do anything more than make her believe hitting is okay and it isn't. However I do believe in spanking when they are younger there is NOTHING wrong with it. We are ALL alive, healthy and happy and back in the day it was solely believed in as discipline. The now a days point of view on ALL spanking being bad is why we have 14 year old girls getting pregnant and/or going to jail. However 12 is a little old for spanking. Make her work for the things she wants BY BEING HAVE!! It will work.
Not everyone who was spanked is alive...
I was spanked once and I still remember it. I was told off for something, I forget what, and went to my room. I was playing on my bed rolling around. My father came in and said "I will give you something to cry about" and spanked me hard. I had not been crying... He usually picked on my oldest sister but I was the only one around.
Spanking has nothing at all to do with lack of discipline or teen pregnancies...
I notice romper hasn't been back. Is he having a little fun in this thread?
There is a BIG difference in "spanking" a child and "beating" a child. There is Nothing at all wrong with "spanking" and "spanking" has never actually HURT anyone. It is simply discipline. To spank does NOT mean to "smack the heck out of" That is "beating". HUGE difference. I was "BEAT" as a child. To the point of being bloody and going to the hospital, etc. And yes I "spank" my children but it is FAR from abuse or beating. They get a VERY light smack on the BUTT for being bad. Never anywhere else and Never HARD.
"...since the last time shes been over my knee with the hairbrush."
Using a hairbrush isn't spanking -- its beating.
Spanking or beating a child is a ham-fisted way to try to change his/her behavior.
I suggest parenting classes.
This thread probably isn't serious anyway -- where's the OP?
I agree using ANY object OR item is beating. Should NEVER happen. I did take parenting classes when I was pregnant with my first child and they actually lay out the difference between discipline and abuse. A tap on the butt for misbehaving is NOT abuse UNLESS its not just a tap. I have never Smacked my children. By tap I mean they cant even feel it. Its just saying hey stop that Im here.
If they can't feel it, then why do it at all? I had a friend who justified her hitting her own kids with the word "tap" (not saying that's what you're doing, but it's something that people commonly do).
The world is full of parents who know just how to get their children to listen to them, and respect them, without hitting them at all. In fairness to people who don't know how to do that, it's often a skill people learn from having been raised without being hit themselves. Not everyone has the benefit of such skilled parents - so they just don't learn that there actually is such a thing as having well behaved kids without ever hitting (or "tapping") them at all.
You're right. Not all hitting is abuse. All hitting by parents, however, is less than the "most skilled parenting". I'm sorry, but I can't help but mention this: You chose to use the word, "bad", when referring to your own child's/children's behavior. How "bad" are they? Are you calling the behavior that's normal, and that all kids are likely to engage in at certain developmental levels and/or in certain situations (and that most parents know how to deal with without hitting) "bad"" Or, is your tapping not working?
My children are well behaved. Thank you. And I did not comment here to be judged. No one should judge another its not their place to place judgement. However, if you must know I use the basis of a tap on the butt to say thats wrong and I sit my child down and explain to them why what they did was wrong first then only use a slight tap on the butt if the same behavior is repeated which very seldomly actually happens. Typically just explaining why something is wrong works just fine which I believe more parents should do instead of hitting. Hitting make a child believe that hitting is okay and it ISN'T by no means. My children are 5, 2, and 8mths old. My 5 year old has had 2 spankings her entirely life. My 2 year old 1. So it's not like I just go around hitting my kids. You percieved what I said incorrectly. I have resorted to this 3 times with my children that's it. And yes I believe it is and was wrong. I should have found a better way to deal with it, but that is hard to do sometimes as well im sure you know if you have children.
I don't think that you were being judged, more just unpicking what you meant exactly in the previous post, because that was my first inclination when i read the post ie; why tap if the tapping can't be felt? then surely it's ineffective anyway. If you get what I'm saying? And is the behavior bad as opposed to unacceptable.
Makes perfect since. The few times I have actually spanked were very unacceptable behaviors. I guess using the word "bad" for a child is not a wise word considering children have to be taught right from wrong so in a sense nothing they do is actually "bad".
Well, personally I think parenting is the hardest job in the world, we actually have so little time to get it right. At the beginning of the thread I posted a link for the OP, because at college I studied developmental psychology, as a mature student and already a mother, it changed the way I raised my son and dealt with these issues forever. It was just the little things, that seem so obvious now, that really helped. Praising him more for good behavior and consistently. I changed, and there was a notable improvement in his behavior. I think this kind of education should be offered to all would be parents because after all, most of only have the way we were raised to fall back on.
That is very true Hollie. And I haven't had the time to look at your link yet but I plan to. I have recently started doing the Praise for good behavior with my 2 year old (who has terrible two's horribly) instead of just concentrating on the bed and it IS working wonders!! In just 3 weeks her attitude and behavior has changed so drastically that I am so glad with my decision.
I wasn't judging anybody on here. I was "debating", and presenting my side, which is that I don't believe in hitting and I know that well behaved kids can be raised without ever hitting them. I think it's unfortunate that so many people believe there's no way to have well behaved kids, or to get kids to listen to them, is to smack/hit them (even if it's not "beating" them).
I'm not someone who thinks what anyone else does with his kids is my business (unless someone beats his kids, which is then everyone's business). It's just that on discussions about this subject there's always someone who points out that there's a difference between abuse and "mild" hitting/swatting/tapping (whatever); and often implies that it's not possible to raise children (who listen and who generally behave well) without resorting to swatting/tapping, etc. I know that's not true because lots of people raise their kids without hitting. My parents didn't hit their kids.. I didn't hit my three kids when they were still little (now they're grown). None of them plans to hit their kids if/when they ever have them either.
Any of the mothers I know who have been against hitting their kids and who have found that it's not that hard to have happy kids who are mostly willing to "go with the program" and follow their parent's friendly lead (and there are a lot of them - it's not just me); wish other, younger, mothers could know that it doesn't have to be all that hard (especially when children are young). Exhausting? Yes. If you do what you have to, it's exhausting no matter how you slice it. But, frazzling and upsetting and negative? No. It's pretty easy to never things frazzling, upsetting, and/or negative (and when they don't get that way, kids stay happy and cooperative and that much more interested in pleasing parents. I lived chronically exhausted, but it was "a good kind of exhausted" most of the time. There's a difference, though, between being exhausted/tired and feeling "at wits end". Mothers of young children don't have to feel at wits end a good part of the time. They do need to know, though, that they have to "dial back the frazzlement" that goes on and get the mood (between them and their kids) back on a calmer, more "team-work", type of ground.
Anyway, the only reason I ever get involved in these discussions about this subject is that I really wish people knew how purely enjoyable (and only enjoyable - except when children get sick) having young children can be, not just sometimes, but all the time. Of course, with a 30-plus-year-old son, a son in his late 20's, and a daughter in her mid-twenties; these discussions are just "debate" for me these days. For people with young children they're more personal than "just debate". I can see how my debating approach could have come across as kind of "steam-roller-ish", and I'm sorry if it came across that way. I suppose I've gotten that way by living in a world that so often just can't/won't believe it's possible to enjoy having little kids, plain and simple; and have few, if any, behavior struggles with them (and without ever feeling pushed into wanting to hit them/tap them).
I'm not directing the following at anyone in particular on here. Just offering some thoughts:
Babies and little kids are at such a great age. Having them that age should be a lot more fun for a lot more parents than it often is. Sometimes just enjoying children (while also always kind of acting like a "team leader") is one, if not THE, best ways of finding yourself with kids who listen and generally behave well.
Oh well.. I'd agree with the posts immediately above this one that all we can do is read and keep trying to learn. Also, no matter how much we learn or try to learn, none of us ever gets through being a parent without having made our share of mistakes. If it's not one kind of mistake then it's another.
Great. If it's okay to lightly spank kids then hell ... imma start spanking everyone that I feel warrants it.
I know plenty of adults that behave far worse than children. And they're old enough to know better.
I don't or didn't spank my kids, but my partner, that was a different matter all together.
Yes they adults are old enough to know better but don't always care. I wish Adults could be spanked. They deserve where as children really don't because they are in the learning process. They DON'T know any better.
Children learn how to overcome bullying parents, they wait until they are old enough and hit back!
If you have hit your kids, it's time to say sorry and get some parenting skills.
If you don't learn how to control your anger and lack of patience they will hate your guts for every wack and leave you on your own when you most need them in your old age!
Spanking , i guess many talk about spare the rod and spoil the child, personally my parents insisted on talking to me first before resorting to the famous rod, its good to be able to discipline a child but the reason is for them to know why they are being corrected, the spank may not be a bad idea once in a while but if its repeated and done in a way that hurts the child then it crosses the line and becoming an infringement on the rights of a child, the parent must remain sober and not over-angry to avoid spanking degenerating to a fight.
I would encourage other ways of punishing wrongs and the last resort be the spank.
I'll probably have alot of people disagree with me, but as long as you don't do it excessively, don't do it out of anger, and make sure you don't hurt the child, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. When I was growing up, my Dad had what I would call a controlled temper. We knew if we pushed it, we would get the belt or some similar punishment. My mother, on the other hand, never spanked but yelled. As kids, we let it go in one ear and out the other where with my dad, when he said do something, we usually did it. Consequently, I think a child should have a fearful respect of their parents.
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