Is there a custody, divorce lawyer in the house? And if so, may I ask you a few questions?
I'm neither, but having been through a divorce and having custody of my 2 children, I can tell you that it's important that you both put your differences aside, forget the emotional crap between the 2 of you, and base your decisions on what's best for the children.
Divorce is never easy, there are a lot of emotions, particularly negative emotions, anger, hate, resentment, jealousy, etc that can affect your normal good judgement. It's best to accept the reality, that it's over, and move on from their. The children's interest should come first and they should NOT be used as a tool for revenge, or to mitigate financial responsibility.
If you can both stay focused on the needs of the kids and forget yourselves, things will go smoothly and the kids will be no worse for wear. Good luck!
Hi, Poppa blues, I could not agree with you more, (About putting our differences aside) and have been trying my best to get my husband to see this. The funny thing is, my husband is a good provider, and for the most part a good dad. I believe that he could even raise them himself for the most part. He can cook, he knows how to do laundry, so on and so forth, but he lacks good judgment, at the moment. In his rage and stupor, he can't see clearly, that the best choice for now is that they be with me primarily. And he can have them when he wants. Our children need and want there parents. And I most defiantly, I do not want my children to be guided my strangers. If he did not work so much, and could get over himself, then that would be a possibility, of him becoming the primary caregiver. I would not have one problem with that. Thanks Poopa Blues
GF, I'm not a custody/divorce lawyer, but have been through it. Feel free to ask questions and I'll answer the best I can.
Well, for starters. I asked my husband for a divorce, and that didn't go over to well. Second there are two children involved. My husband, has been nothing but bitter in the whole ordeal, which I had already expected, he would be. I on the other hand I have been open to us discussing, joint custody, without having to go through the courts. He on the other hand has been nothing but hostile, name calling, resorting to trickier, more or less acting like a child, because he can't have his own way with me any more.
By the way my children are 12 years old and the other is 16mths old. So my husband decides, that I can't have the children, Because I need mental help, now that he is getting me the way he wants me, so he signs them up for daycare. He works most days for 10 hrs. sometimes more sometimes less, but overall 10hrs a day. So on my petition, I stated that the reason I was going for full custody was for the mere fact, of his work schedule, and that a child needs and wants his parents, not a stranger. My question is this, if my husband were to take the children overnight, and decided to not bring them back to me, and dropped them off at the daycare that he signed them up at. Do I have any legal grounds to go and pick them up?
Holy Moly! How did he get them into daycare without your consent? Not that I know if they need it but if you are the mother and there isn't any legal agreement that says you cannot be with your children, I don't see why not. But OMG, I hope things work out for you and if he is being like that I wouldn't spend time seeking advice here I would call a lawyer.
Good luck to you.
Thanks for the advice, Oh I plan to get a lawyer. My husband thinks I am dumb, too. Because neither one of us has any legal ground to keep them at the moment, he decides he's going to sign them up, because he feels that, they would be better off there then with me. Now the funny part of this is, I have been the primary care giver, and with my husband for 13 years. And never once did, he ever say to me, denys you need help, until I asked him for a divorce. Because I was his doormat, and now he can't get the darn dirt off his feet, hes taking it out on the children. Dee
Friend - I worked as a child support worker for over three years - I'm NOT a lawyer - but first things first - what state do you live in - it makes a difference as to any answers anyone might give you...
Second, you haven't stated who lives where children primarily with who and at which residence... that makes a difference. Are you both working - that makes a difference.
There's alot of questions that have to be answered before anyone can answer your question in a good fashion.
Feel free to direct e-mail me if you don't want to post these types of answers to the forums. But for anyone to answer your questions with good info - they are going to need to know every detail - just like a lawyer would.
Be prepared to answer honestly - details make all the difference in the world in these cases.
Thanks for the advice, and that is one thing, I most certainly will do (honesty.) The one thing my husband does not understand is, I have nothing to hide, for my life has always been for the most part, an open book. Were he on the other has been one to conceal, himself. Which he thinks that because, I have been an open book, that he has the leverage. Not to say that he could not win. I'm prepared for that. But, I have sought out help for our marriage on numerous times, and every time he had an excuse, as to why they were wrong about us. And on and on it goes. Maybe I will email you tomorrow, if that is ok, It is way past my bedtime. Dee
Denys, Nanny J.O.A.T. states it well; I would underscore every word she wrote.
Additionally, I've been a social worker specializing in child protective services, a group home houseparent, and a witness accepted by the court as "expert" in adversarial child custody cases--and like Nanny, I'd like to say you're more than welcome to email me at any time.
It's not an easy paradigm shift from doormat to Mommy Lioness, but it can be done. You've got a good jump on it.
goodfriendiam, that is classic behavior of a husband when a wife wants the divorce. Some, with their inflated egos, actually believe their wife must have mental problems if she wants to leave. Others know that that's the one thing they can try to use to get custody of the children. Still others may actually need to believe their wife must "have problems", because it's the only way they try to get custody away from the children's mother without having to face that they want to do a terrible thing to their children (in trying to separate them from their mother).
Try to find a lawyer who talks/acts if s/he is more than familiar with this "divorce phenomenon" and is very comfortable with how to approach it (someone who knows exactly what steps need to be taken to protect you from further "accusations" of mental health problems).
I knew someone who dealt with women in this situation (it wasn't an attorney but a counselor-type). It's also common for husbands to start calling their wive's family and telling a whole big story about how their wife "isn't acting right". If the wife hasn't unloaded all the dirt of what she's being going through to her family, they may actually believe this "perfectly nice" husband of hers. In my state, all it takes to get picked up by an ambulance or the police is a call from a husband who says he's afraid the wife may hurt herself and/or the children. I don't know if it takes a second "word" or not, but I know of at least 6 women who were picked up when they tried to leave their marriage.
Find that lawyer today, but - again - make sure the lawyer sounds as if s/he's really accustomed to this "old chestnut" of a situation and knows exactly what steps you and/or s/he needs to take. Don't wait. Also, talk to your family and friends and tell them exactly what it is going on. This isn't a time to try to keep your "personal business" to yourself because you don't know if he's been on the phone with them, telling them his version of your "mental problems".
Without a separation agreement and custody order, you and he both may have the right to pick them up; but you don't know what he has told the daycare people; and you don't know that if you pick them up he won't pull the thing that he's "worried about what you may do" and get you picked up. I'm not trying to scare you - only make you aware of how guys in this situation may operate. Sincerest best wishes that you get this ironed out as soon as possible. It may not be very helpful to know this right now, but you're far from alone in this situation.
Thanks Lisa HW, And no you are not scaring me in the least, since this all begin, I have found hubpages, and just the mere fact of getting on these forums and talking with others on a wide variety of topics is comfort in and of it self. My husband very rarely wanted to discuss anything with me. his conversation was always based for the most part around, whats for supper, can you make sure my uniform is washed and so on. Nothing with depth or meaning to it. And I don't begrudge him for that, for that is who he is, for now, and I have taken so much from the years that I spent with him, Things that I have learned about myself, things that I value in life, and two beautiful children. So there is know regret with me. And yes he did call my family, but I told him all he did was make him self look like an _ss, because if he isn't feeling guilty in some way then why would he need to call my family up in the first place. Know my family has been very supportive in all this. My mom did not take sides. And I respected that, but it did not take long for her to see the way he was acting to know the truth. Thanks for the info. greatly appreciated.
If you want a legal professional to make an appearance in this thread then mention that lawyers charge for paperclips.
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