How long does it take to get over a divorce?

1. 61

   Mcham Lawposted 12 years ago

   How much time passes before you are over a divorce? I'm a divorce lawyer and I help people end their relationships but I'm never around to see how long it takes before they are better. It seems most of them are pretty emotionally distraught when I see them last and I'm wondering what the healing time is.

   replyreport
   1. 62

      Lisa HWposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Do you mean "mentally/emotionally" over the fact that the marriage ended, or over the "horror show" that the long process of trying to get a divorce through the court system, and the outside-the-system consequences that can result?
      
      With regard to "mentally/emotionally" over the fact that the marriage ended, I was over that before I left my marriage.
      
      With regard to post-leaving horror show that, to this day, has never been addressed, corrected, or acknowledged; I'm still living in it - and I left my marriage in 1991.  At this point, I'm "having issues" with the fact that I have yet to be able to get free of my marriage/divorce situation and - for once and bloody all - be able to live the life I'd hoped to find by leaving the marriage
      
      So, for me (and as far as I know a lot of other people who could have a simple divorce that would have been quick to get over), there was no need to "get over" when I left the marriage; but as time has gone on, there is becoming a increasing number of circumstances/losses/situations (all solely and directly resulting the mishandling in the legal system and/or from laws that don't adequately address victims and protecting children) from which there will be no "getting over" - ever.

      replyreport
   2. 0

      Home Girlposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      My best friend's daughter got divorced last year. Recently she went to her old country and remarried there, obviously could not find a stupid enough man in Canada (just kidding, she is a very nice girl, slim and bright, with a profession and a job and absolutely nothing wrong with her). My point is, obviously she is over it, but her mother, my friend, is still not. And he(her daughter's former husband) keeps calling my friend all the time, because he treats her as a family and he does not have a family in Canada. And he still loves her daughter. Love, marriage,divorce, everything  is such a mistery sometimes Or a bad joke. He is such a nice guy, going to be a lawyer, not a bum or anything. Nothing I can see is wrong with him either. Just something did not click .

      replyreport
   3. 0

      Brenda Durhamposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I don't think anyone (or at least most people) ever really get over divorce.   But we get through it and beyond it, hopefully.  You as a lawyer provide a needed service, and I hope I'm not insulting you by saying I'm surprised that a lawyer would ask about the emotional well-being of the divorced person.  What I'm trying to say is that it's rather refreshing to see someone doing that.
      
      Welcome to HubPages.
      
      .....In general, it seems to me that resolution of situations often comes in 6-month increments.  Maybe that makes no sense to anyone else, but it does to me.   Not that that's a time frame for when people get over a divorce; it's just that by that time people have usually begun to kinda settle in to their "new" life;  new habits, new environment, new hopes and dreams, and getting on their feet emotionally.  Beginning to anyway.

      replyreport
2. 59

   lockgirlposted 12 years ago

   Well I've been divorced twice and my third marriage will end up that way once one of us decides to file. My first divorce I was an emotional mess, also I was pregnant at the time.My second divorce I wasn't overly emotional. I didn't date for years after both my divorces. So as long as getting over a divorce really depends on the person going through it. As long as they have a strong support team  they can get over it pretty reasonable.

   replyreport
   1. 62

      Lisa HWposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      "Support team"?   What's that!!!????      Pretty much the only people I had on my side were my three children; and since as their mother I was, of course, their support, that meant I had zero support.  I'm not looking for any sympathy.  I'm fine, and I'm generally not the sort to need support from anyone anyway.  It's just that idea of "support team" seems so foreign to me as far as divorces go.      (and a little:      )

      replyreport
3. 62

   Lisa HWposted 12 years ago

   Not just with my own bizarre situation (although, from what I've heard, it may not be as bizarre as some would think), but based on other people I've known in my personal life, I'm under the impression a whole lot of "getting over" gets done before the people actually get to the last stages of the legal process. From what I've seen, it's usually the biggest upheaval and emotional hurricane when someone takes the first action, or makes the first remarks, toward actually making it clear that there will be a divorce.  Maybe some divorces get processed a lot more quickly than others, but the people I've known have done on their "emotional upset" (including in the presence of attorneys) when a) the fact of upcoming divorce became known and/or b) in the first steps of seeing attorneys.
   
   I know there's some people who be "hangers on", but I don't think that's the majority.  I tend to think it's the minority who have "issues" of one sort another separate from the actual divorce.

   replyreport
4. 0

   Home Girlposted 12 years ago

   I think after the third divorce, you should stop getting married. And I am not kidding.
   In my situation it was different. I should say I am very sorry for you, Lisa HW, and I am sure it was hard on your children too. When I married, I told myself that I am never going to divorce my husband, no matter what, for the sake of children of course. And you know what? Life is the strangest thing.  One day my husband just "left" - emotionaly, physically, financially. He was there but he actually was NOT, as if he disappeared and somebody else, the unknown strange man replaced him, like in a move. There was no need to divorce - somebody else was there, not him, and I could not bring my husband back, I could not "find" him.

   replyreport
5. 60

   calpol25posted 12 years ago

   Its very difficult for anyone to go through a divorce,  you go through a grieving process, I am currently going through a civil partnership dissolution or Gay divorce as people would call it and its still hurts now and I know it will hurt even afterwards and when its all over because you grieve for what could have been.
   Which makes it harder, however it affects everyone differently as we are all individual but I agree with Brenda no one really does gets over it, just get through it and beyond it.....

   replyreport
6. 73

   Eaglekiwiposted 12 years ago

   Grief ,which divorce has been likened too, generally can take 1-3yrs.So much depends on the individual in both cases.
   
   1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
   You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief.
   
   2. PAIN & GUILT-
   As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain.
   
   You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
   
   3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
   Frustration gives way to anger.
   
   You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair.
   
   4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
   Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
   
   During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
   
   7 Stages of Grief...
   
   5. THE UPWARD TURN-
   As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
   
   6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
   As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
   
   7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
   During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
   
   7 stages of grief...
   
   You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
   
   Sorry for the long post ,but it just may help someone who needs some reassurance.

   replyreport
   1. 60

      calpol25posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks Eaglekiwi I agree with your post I can relate to some of these and sure many others will too. :-)

      replyreport
      1. 73

         Eaglekiwiposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Yvw..hang in there meant to add something like ,do something loving each day for yourself!!..
         
         
         ( Might sound wierd to some people,but when I went through a painful time,to sometimes help relax,I would close my eyes,take myself out of myself and ask'what I can do to show that person someone loves them(me).
         It truly can help.

         replyreport
7. 60

   calpol25posted 12 years ago

   I will try to do that, thanks for the advice its not weird at all it makes sense.
   And thanks I will hang in there.
   
   All the best x

   replyreport