What is the best form of non-violent discipline that works on your children?
I don't agree with spanking, even though I grew up in an era where as children, we were spanked. So I would like to know what methods of discipline have worked for other people out there; methods which do NOT include spanking, grabbing, slapping, hitting, etc. I would also like to hear methods which do not include yelling. What works?
Be Calm and assertive at all times and use time out and follow through after giving a warning. This works really well and everyone stays in balance.
Great question! WIth my children we have always used the method most appropriate and fitting for their personality and behavior. In general, time outs have been effective when coupled with sitting down with them and discussing the behavior in question. Children need to know why they are being given consquences so they can learn from their mistakes.
When this has not worked with us (our son was difficult at best) we would put him in what we called HUGS (he was pacifly restrained to control his anger and outburts). When he was calm, we would release him from HUGS and let him think about what he had done (for about 3 minutes) and then speak with him about it.
Though I'm not a parent myself, I think I have some information on this topic. I was in from my early childhood years until I was 18, obtaining the rank of Eagle Scout, being a patrol leader (leading 3-8 boys), a senior patrol leader (leading multiple patrols, in my case that was a maximum of about 45 boys) and then being a Junior Assistant Scout Master (I helped the Scout Master, the Adult Leader of the troop, with planning, organization and whatnot), I can say I have my fair share of dealing with troubled youth. Sure, they weren't my children, or even my siblings, but I did have to deal with miscreants, and ne'er do wells.
Usually, when a boy stepped out of line, I would do the first thing that came to mind, when I was younger, this would be something like telling them to stop, then finding an adult. But as I grew in the troop and in life, I realized I could take matters into my own hands. I would tell them they would have to sit something out, like starting a fire (and believe me when I say we all liked starting fires). Depending on the situation, I could be more severe with their punishment. Usually it wasn't necessary, but I can recall having to restrict boys from not attending something they really wanted to go to. I remember having a boy that misbehaved constantly at one summer camp. First, I sent him on latrine duty (cleaning the toilets). That wasn't enough, so I worked with a camp counselor, rearranged his schedule and had him going to places he didn't want to go (he wanted to go to archery and the firing range, instead he ended up in forestry and rowing...) However, even with that, he kept acting poorly. The matter was taken away from me when he was sent home early and some weeks later kick out of the BSA.
The point I make is that passive punishment can be more severe that active punishment. While in scouts, I tried my best to let those who acted poorly to still have fun, but in different ways, hoping to find an avenue where their behavior would be allowed.
I never hit or harmed another scout, but I certainly yelled (once that got me into trouble). But I found, time after time, that most boys learned their lesson by realizing just how dirty bathrooms really are.
Consistency is absolutely critical. When significant expectations are knowingly broken or ignored, removing the child from the environment to a quiet place is step one. Explaining how their behavior does not match what is expected is step two. Step three is staying in the room with the child, silently if necessary, or to open further discussion. Being there with the child allows you to measure the understanding. Where private time-outs should never exceed the age of the child, in minutes. Your being there does not constitute a time out, but rather a give and take teaching situation.
You must intervene in every one of these situations, under every circumstance, for every reason. You must send the clear message that the offending behaviors will not be tolerated, ever. Just as you promise that your love and affection is unending and unconditional. The child learns, quickly, what to expect and what your expectations are.
Generally speaking children want to please adults, and your child wants to please you. Nonetheless, there are situations where there is a mismatch in objectives. Clear, nonthreatening, discussion in a quiet place gives each of you a chance to assess, reassess, and essentially negotiate a mutually agreeable goal.
Itr is also important to recognize that your (the adult) position should be flexible enough to let the child see that reason and logic is the basis for your decision (rather than whim) and that the same reason and logic can be used to plead a case (if you will). Honoring their thinking, by giving it fair hearing, and modifying as necessary, teaches dignity and honesty and enforces their sense of self worth and value. Being an equal partner in the ensuing discussion is self-affirming. Then, regardless of the results, a child feels he was an active party to the matter and not a helpless victim.
No child ever needs to be shown violence or be made to live in fear from those who are supposed to love him.
Firmness, coupled with love. Consistency has to be followed at all times, even when you are tired, and so want to give in.
Depending on the age, you can talk with them, and explain why their actions aren't acceptable. Even at 2, my granddaughter understands that hitting is not tolerated, and that she will have to sit in the chair...she hates to sit.
You have to find a punishment that fits the "crime", and the child.
When my child got older, I would make them write a story about what they did wrong, and how they thought they could fix it.
planned ignoring/DRI (Differential reinforcement of Other behaviors) : the intentional ignoring of a particular behavior until it stops, such as tantrums. Allowing the child to cry,whine, pout until they stop. The moment they do is when we acknowledge what has upset them. Giving them praise for calming down.
time out : time for them to reflect on their actions in a quiet place away from the situation
There are many other techniques such as redirection, positive reinforcment....and thank you, you just inspired my next hub.
When my children were younger, I could use time outs in their rooms, one minute for each year of their age. I had a chair that I put in the middle of their rooms which kept them from playing with toys or falling asleep on their beds. After the time out, I always talked with them about what they did wrong and we discussed apologizing. The time out also gave Mommy a chance to calm down if it was a big offense. If Mommy had done something worthy of an apology (yelling, etc), the time after the time out was a chance for that to be taken care of.
As the children got older, they had more possessions and activities. Right now, my oldest child, 15, has an IPOD Touch, a cell phone, and likes to be with his friends on the weekends. My 12 year old likes her friends and likes her Nintendo DS and the TV. These are all good things to take away as a consequence for negative behavior. For example, we are working on disrespect right now with the 15 year old. When he speaks disrespectfully, he loses his IPOD, if it continues, he loses his phone, and so on. We take them for a day, but if the disrespect continues, the items are lost longer. He usually stops pretty quickly because these are things he feels he "needs". We try hard to give consequences without emotion, just matter of fact, because the house rules have been given to the kids. If they fuss during conversations or continue to argue and cannot have an appropriate conversation, they are asked to go to their rooms until they can talk appropriately. If they continue and don't go to their rooms, they begin to lose things.
We are definately not perfect, but this seems to work much of the time.
Are you looking for Alternative Ways to Discipline your Children Without Hitting or Spanking them? Here are some Techniques that Work! read more
I do believe in spanking but only when needed and I rarely ever do it! I take things away such as television, Wii, phone, computer time, writing assignments, and it does not work alone! So, I get down to my childrens level, look them in the eye with a disappointed eye, and change the tone of my voice. I reprimand them for what they've done and ask them how would you feel if I did this or said this and tell them they really hurt me by their wrong doings and then will tell them to think about it and decide a punishment to go with it! My stern tone of voice and body language usually yields the desired results.
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