How do you deal with family members who seem to have no direction and wont take advice?
I have a niece who is living a very "careless life". She has no desire to work. Lives with her two children and their father and has a man a few houses away. The children often don't go to school because she gambles whatever money get gets. We are at our wits end. How to deal with? Kindly write a hub about it.
I think the best thing you can do is set an example yourself. Stay involved in her life and show that you care, but don't give her any money. Help the kids get to school, but don't give her money. Then one day maybe she'll get into treatment for her gambling addiction and that will lead to other positive changes. This hub may not be what you're expecting, but this is my approach to dealing with people like this in my life:
http://hobbynob.hubpages.com/hub/How-to … of-Anxiety
My experience with people that have no direction is that they don't change. Perhaps their brains works on a different wavelength, but the fact is that all that makes sense to us, apparently does not make to them, so they are past arguments and reasoning unfortunatelly. Usually these people are selfish thinking only about themselves, so my opinion is to get away from people like this, even if they are family. The problem in this case is that there are children involved and you can't look away from them, because they deserve a better chance in life and are not to blame for their mother's mistakes. In that case, if I were you, I would try to help out the children, not the mother, very much like hobbynob said. Be there for the children, invite them to your home for lunch, to play, support them and help them, because they sure need it. A child, any child, deserves safety, support and care.
This is a question that I would love to have answered. The old saying, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it", is applicable to some family members. You seem to go around and around in discussions, suggestions go out the window, even just a listening ear does not help. I just have decided that the best thing I can do is just live my life as an example and hope that they see something that will help them. Lots of prayers go up on their behalf and I keep hoping that one day they will change.
For those who desire change, I would suggest counciling, rehab homes and getting some help through program/charity. I agree with algarveview, helping the children gain some assistance would make a difference.
Since she's a niece, respectfully, I don't think what she does should involve you. If she makes a mess in her life it's her own doing. Chances are, if this hasn't happened yet, the school will get after her is her children are absent too often. She may end up having Children's Services called in on her. If you think the children are at risk and/or are being neglected you could make the call to Children's Services, yourself. Somebody I know who works as social worker once explained to me that they "don't get involved in lifestyle choices". Unless the children are being neglected beyond "just" not getting to school (and, again, the school will most likely address that eventually if it hasn't already), I don't think there's much anyone else can (or should) do.
If it weren't for the children, I would say just let it go. She is an adult, and usually people like this will not listen to anything you have to say, or if they do, they will only "try" for a week or two. Pray for her and be a loving presence. Don't enable her behavior in any way, such as caring for the kids when you know she is going gambling. Your concern should be for the kids. I would keep close and monitor how she cares for them. If they are missing too much school, the authorities will intervene inevitably anyway, but are they eating? Clean? Living in a safe environment? These kinds of issues are of interest to the Dept. of Children and
Family Services. They do not take kindly to parents who neglect or abuse their children.
Stop giving her advice....advice is usually something one desires so they ask for it because they need it as well as will adhere to it. You're wasting your energy thinking about someone who DOES NOT care. She's draining you senseless and you don't see that. Sounds like your niece needs a dose of something else. Whatever you have to offer isn't her cup of tea, it may be the truth but she obviosuly checking for something else. She sounds outta control
This sounds like a great example for Operation: Intervention. What is an intervention? It's when several family members, the kids' teachers and others - tell her about herself. In short they say, "look at you. I can imagine you were embarrassed when *this* happened" "you should have seen your daughter's face when...."or "what do you think your life is going to look like in 5 years' time?" "what do you think your daughters will say about you...". The whole idea is for each person to speak up, state their observations about the way she is living. This method has been successful at making a connection between the causes she is making today and the effects which she will be reaping in the future.
It's a one shot deal designed to wake up the person. Not a guilt trip, just a mirror aimed at how she looks to those in her life. Hopefully she will wake up, admit she has problems and ask for help, first of all to stop gambling and to get into a 12 step program like G.A. If she is not capable of taking care of her children, they need to be placed in another home where they can be properly cared for, hopefully at a relative's house.
I wish I had time today to write a hub about this.
In short, my family had to step in and take 2 little girls from their parents home. All involved were family. We tried to help the adults who wouldn't change and it didn't work. This is where most people stop...but what about the children? Defenseless, impressionable, etc....they are destin to be like their parents or worse if someone doesn't help them. I'm sparing many details but if what you see is that bad...what is it you don't? We learned of horrible things once we took the girls. We had acted pretty fast and thought we'd "got there in time"....we had no idea how wrong we were and how bad things were beyond what we'd saw and known.
Too often people like to gripe about the "troubled" family member and express concern for their kids but then when the time comes to cut off the adults...they cut off the children too; leaving them to fend for themselves. Later, the conversations take place about how the children are now "troubled" and blame the parents but when they knew what was happening...did nothing to help the situation. This to me is no different than watching a child drown.
What happens when the dad comes home and catches mom in the act? What happens to the kids when the bookie comes to collect? What happens when drugs are involved? Is it just mom and dad you have to worry about? Who else is coming over that is likely of the same nature or worse?
Cut off the adults when they've proven to be beyond help but don't let the children sink with them...they need someone.
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