What causes a man who does not take care of his child, think that he can disrupt

1. 75

   brittvan22posted 11 years ago

   What causes a man who does not take care of his child, think that he can disrupt the child's life?
   
   IF a man/woman does nothing for their child why do they think they can disrupt the child's life, whenever they feel like it? I think you either be there or stay away, am I wrong? To me being a parent is not an option, but an obligation. Either step up to the plate or stay away gracefully. I understand some people may not have seen a mother or father figure, but right is right and wrong and wrong.

   replyreport
2. 68

   Alastar Packerposted 11 years ago

   You are not wrong, brittvan. Nothing hardly gets me going worse than what you describe. Absolutely, step up to the plate and love and do right by your children like they so need or at least try to get them to those who will.

   replyreport
   1. 75

      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for commenting, I thought for a second maybe my thinking was too harsh.

      replyreport
3. 93

   peeplesposted 11 years ago

   EVERY parent should have the right to see their child unless they have/are physically or emotionally abusive. Being what the other parent doesn't like, does not count in my mind as worthy of refusing rights. 2 people made a child and 2 people should have rights to a child that are not decided by the other parent but an outside party.

   replyreport
   1. 75

      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      If you understood what I said it has to do with disruption, meaning messes with stability and safety. It's not about like or dislikes, but fairness to the child. No one has the right to hurt anyone even if they have the title Mom or Dad.

      replyreport
   2. 93

      peeplesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Stability is usually a card played by many parents who get mad about unplanned visits. (not directed at you) So long as it is within waking hours I never see an excuse to keep one parent from the children.

      replyreport
   3. 75

      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Stability, safety, trust, love, and honesty are essential to any relationship. I won't say their are others that are not vindictive, but in this case that is not the case. I can't be a Mom today and tomorrow not and I think it should be taken serious

      replyreport
   4. 93

      peeplesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Speaking as someone who has two parents who decided not to be parents, It is better to have a less than perfect parent than no parent. If a parent doesn't love a child they don't try to visit. If one is trying at all they should be allowed.

      replyreport
   5. 75

      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Things are never that black in white if your intentions for visits are to keep tabs on Mom/Dad and you do more harm to the psyche of the child, then you are better gone than there. A piece of parent is as unacceptable as a piece of spouse.

      replyreport
   6. 93

      peeplesposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      No offense here, but have you been in the child's position?

      replyreport
   7. 75

      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      If by that do you mean did I grew up with a single parent yes.  Did I have a father that played mind games? Still do. The only difference is it won't realize who the games.

      replyreport
4. 48

   Ericdierkerposted 11 years ago

   This question really bothered me on a child hood memory level. My dad left our house when I was seven. My mom loved me to death but did not really treat me all that well on the day to day. I cannot judge that. My mom would cuss my dad to me and make it uncomfortable for him to come around. I loved it when he did. Maybe that was disruptive to my mom's power structure but certainly not to me.
   
   Now do not get me wrong. I had a wonderful childhood and was very loved. And because I could see how my mom treated my dad and in fact me. I could understand why he had to leave. My dad never said or did a bad thing to my mom. My dad supported us. At the time of his death at 89 he was my best friend.
   
   So I answer your question like this. As you lay it out I understand how you feel about it and agree with you as you phrase it. But here is the rub. Who decides all those things. Certainly not a mom whose fury may have no equal in wrath.
   And I would like to point out that your scenario may well be the result of and illness or other handicap the father may have. Some folks are great parents but cannot hold down a job, or they may be absent because they are off protecting us in a war.
   I hope I said this compassionately. There are no winners and no right sides in a divorce. If you are having trouble in this regard I pray for you and certainly cannot judge you. I reckon a whole lot of love could be used right now and you have mine.

   replyreport
   1. 75

      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Wow, that is really an unfortunate situation. I have seen it from both sides good Moms and good Dads. In this circumstance this Dad is more concerned about partying, making empty promises. Thanks for commenting I like to see male/female perspectives.

      replyreport
5. 75

   brittvan22posted 11 years ago

   Some of the most hurtful pain to work through is pain that comes from our parents. The relationship you have with your Mom and Dad affects how you develop and enter into relationships with others. I firmly believe children learn what they live. No one has the right to cause pain or hurt to anyone regardless of their title or name.  Right is right and wrong is wrong. I think if hurt can be avoided it should. I recall many cases where children were abused and when they tried to voice that pain to their primary parent it was dismissed. For Brittany, role/title/or whatever if you cause hurt, pain, and trauma than you should not be given a free pass because you are Mom or Dad. To say two parents made the child is health 101, but to think that gives you the right to say and do things as you please without baring in mind the impressionableness of your child is irresponsible, naïve, and neglectful.

   replyreport
6. 0

   Dilaniaposted 11 years ago

   I think you are right. The problem I have is the repeated rejection. I gave my son's dad a few tries to be consistent in seeing him but last time I let them hang out (which I was on the fence about because I notice my son doesn't really ask or talk about his dad. Until he sees him! Then he expects to see him again in a reasonable amount of time but after a couple of weeks he wants to know why his dad hasn't come around or why he's not returning our calls and I cannot stand seeing my son in pain!) but they hung out, he told him he'll see him next week and now it's been a year.  I'm not going to let him see him again (if we ever hear from him) because my son seems more hurt when he comes and goes than when he is just gone. AND he lives with his girlfriend and her 2 kids so he is capable of being there if he wanted to be. Okay, so sorry, this obviously hits home with me. Trust what you believe is best for your child, you're the only one that knows the details of your situation. You're the only one having to take care of your child, do what you think is best. Personally, I'm not going to knowingly let my kid get hurt over and over again.

   replyreport
   1. 48

      Ericdierkerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Good luck with that. And when he is in college, or falling in love or playing baseball, football or basketball. Are you going to interfere in his life so he does not get hurt?
      Is it at all possible that you have some influence on why dad is gone?

      replyreport
   2. 0

      Dilaniaposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      When he's older he can make his own decisions but he's 6, his life is in my hands and this is rejection from a father - very different than gf or sports. All I did was break up with him. Nothing would keep me away from my own child so I don't get it

      replyreport
   3. 48

      Ericdierkerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Dilania, I have been thinking on this. I guess the point is that if a man is not available for his child, this is such a blatant sign of something wrong with him, we need to have compassion there. And that is a pretty good thing to teach our children

      replyreport
   4. 75

      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I understand your position its not fair to the child when everything takes presence except them, when they are the most important thing. Your worth and value is worth much more than a fleeting whelm from anyone or an after thought.

      replyreport
   5. 0

      Dilaniaposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Eric,  my son knows compassion. You can have compassion & still not let someone treat you like dirt. I don't talk badly about him to my son.
      brittvan, that's how I feel like my son is an afterthought. Everything else come first incl his gf's kids

      replyreport
   6. 48

      Ericdierkerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      One thing is for certain, this is a great question with great comments. I learned much. And I am to be reminded to be grateful for much. WOW I love my children and their moms. Perfect reminder for Mothers day. A happy one to you.

      replyreport
   7. 75

      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Darn it thought I was on fb for a sec tried to like both comments! You both make excellent points. Although we treasure our children there are others who see them as a burden I have heard horror stories I should hub on it. I always advocate for kids.

      replyreport
   8. 0

      Dilaniaposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I agree this was a great question. It's always good to hear different perspectives. Thank you, Ericdierker! Happy Mother's Day brittvan22!

      replyreport
   9. 75

      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Happy Mother's Day to you too Dilania! More men should think and appreciate their spouses and children as you do Eric!

      replyreport
   10. 48

       Ericdierkerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

       What idiots --- But let us move as you two suggest, beyond them. What a great celebration tomorrow. I hope perhaps you two would enjoy my strange mothers' day tale "Nina and me" that I just published.

       replyreport
7. 83

   ShyeAnneposted 11 years ago

   Hi brittvan22,
   How is the child's life being disrupted? Are you sure the child is as annoyed by the 'disruptive' parent? What is disruption to one made be solace to another child. How is this person disrupting the child's life, or endangering it? If there is activity that could potentially cause physical harm or injury of course the visit would need to be supervised.  It could also be considered a disruption if that child in kept from seeing the dysfunctional parent by the 'healthy' parent. Is the guardian angry over unresolved financial issues? this has nothing to do with the child's right to interact with the parent that does 'nothing'. Many many variable..just sayin'

   replyreport
   1. 75

      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      If you are present to keep tabs on the Mom and make empty promises to be there the next day and do not. If when you do come around you threaten to leave when the kid does something you like as they scream daddy/mommy don't go. I will hub on this soon

      replyreport
   2. 48

      Ericdierkerposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      This is very valid, what I call the "martyr syndrome" is very prevalent among custodial parents and it is immensely destructive. There is a cool bible scene that addresses this. One works to prepare the house and food. the other adores the guest.??

      replyreport
   3. 75

      brittvan22posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      precisely. I did a hub on the Levite's Wife or Concubine depends on your interpretation of the pericope.

      replyreport