Spousel Abuse Can you trust thearpy

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   mdawson17posted 14 years ago

   If a man/woman is being abused by spouse can you ever trust that thearpy will stop the actions of the abuser?

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      Ghost32posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I don't know about therapy, by my wife's first husband abused her severely until she "cured" him by tying him to the bed one night when he was passed out drunk, then waking him up with a baseball bat.  Though she left him later for other reasons, the abuse did stop then and there.
      
      Much later, his second wife called Pam, said the guy was starting to beat on her.  Pam's advice:  "You've got to hurt him."  Shortly thereafter, the couple were starting to get into it at the dinner table, and the wife stuck him in the thigh with a two-tined meat fork.  Not sure, but possibly clear to the bone.  He just looked at her, said, "You've been talking to Pam, haven't you?"  But he never swung on her again, they're still married, and that was 33 years ago.
      
      Yes, I do realize this is not a "politically correct" form of therapy.  It did work in that abuser's specific case, though, and does dovetail with Sneako's doubt that "one size fits all".
      
      It should probably be mentioned that the abuser in the above case is also clinically recognized as sociopathic, i.e. little or no conscience.  Fortunately, his interest in avoiding personal pain allowed for successful "treatment" via baseball bat and meat fork without requiring a conscience...!

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         donotfearposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Oh Ghost, this is a good one!  I remember when I was with my first husband, who was violent & abuser, I got in my lucky punches! I remember when I bloodied his nose...he was 6'4" weighed 215 lbs. I was 100 lbs. He started saying, "My nose, my nose!!"  Once I knocked his redneck hat off his head in a gesture of rebellion. He was so shocked his mouth could catch flies! Therapy never helped him, he's still abnormal & unable to maintain a natural relationship.

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      susanlangposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I think not. You see.. one must go into treatment knowing they have a problem and wanting to resolve it in order to save oneself. Then there may be hope of saving their marriage. But too many times people go into these things and fail because they were not ready in the first place. I hope this answer helped.
      
      Susan

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         susanlangposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Ha ha..now that I have read what others have said before me...I feel silly for having to repeat what was already spoken. Sorry you guys and gals.
         
         Susan

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      cosetteposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      i think a tiny part of you will always feel fear nibbling at you, no matter how good the therapy or how dedicated the abuser is to healing, so not 100% is my answer.

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      Karina S.posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      no, just leave

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   sneakorocksolidposted 14 years ago

   Thats tough! I don't think there's a perfect answer or "one size fits all"!

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      AdsenseStrategiesposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I agree, but presumably you wouldn't want to stay under the same roof as the person either way in ninety-nine percent of cases. At least, particularly if there is a threat to children possible IMO

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   Beth100posted 14 years ago

   There are always underlying causes for behavorial problems, and abuse is no different.  An abuser is no different than a bully, just in a larger form and more aggressive as his/her physical size is larger.  The only way therapy will work is if:
   
   1.  The abuser can admit that he/she is an abuser;
   2.  The abuser wants to change for him/herself;
   3.  The abuser seeks therapy;
   4.  The abuser trusts the therapist in order to be open and honest;
   5.  Therapy focusses on the underlying issues, which may go as far back as childhood or even babyhood;
   6.  The abuser is willing to do everything it takes to change;
   7.  The abuser continues to execute the program the therapist gives him/her outside of therapy.
   
   Anyone can change if he/she truly wants to.  The key is that it has to come from that person and that the person is doing it for himself, not for someone or something else.  I've seen abusers transform, but I have also seen the opposite whereby little or no change happens.

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      mdawson17posted 14 years agoin reply to this

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         Beth100posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         It is up to the victim to see and accept the changes.  Changes may include attitude, remorse, arrete of abuse, using other forms as outlet for anger and ability to curb/control the outburst before it happens.  It takes time for the trust to rebuild, but if the victim is able to see and recognize the changes, then that trust will increase over time.  I am not saying that a victim should stay with the abuser.  I am simply stating that changes can occur in a person, for better or for worse.  The rule of thumb is that if it took 10 years for that behavior to appear, it may take at least that length of time to deprogram it.  During the time of initial therapy, the victim may not want to be with the abuser, as they will both trigger each other.

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   Miss Belgraviaposted 14 years ago

   Therapy won't give a sociopath a conscience. And I wouldn't continue living with an abuser in hopes that therapy would change anything. My dad was an abuser, and my step-mother put a stop to it by planting six bullets into him. He had been to therapy, spent time in jail, lost his wife and kids, and none of that had any effect. Although as Sneak says, one size doesn't fit all, and therapy might make a difference in some cases. But because of my experiences, I have little faith in that. The only sure way to protect oneself is to get away from that person and stay away.

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   transfigchicposted 14 years ago

   It's hard to say. I would think that there would need to be multiple types of therapy. Anger management for the spouse, individual therapy for each person, and then couples therapy. It would take a lot of time. And it isn't always guaranteed that it will work. Not everyone changes. Some people will just continue to abuse, no matter what. But therapy is always a good thing to try.
   If therapy doesn't work, then the abused needs to send the abuser on the road. Then the abused person would definitely need counseling.
   Some women are abused and end up with BWS (Battered Woman's Syndrome). Somehow they feel like they deserve it. Or they won't even admit that they are being abused. It happens.

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   ncmonroe1981posted 14 years ago

   An excellent question! I must admit to a bias in favor of therapy.
   
   What one gets from therapy, as with so many things, depends upon what one puts into it. Someone has to be (or become) willing to do the work of therapy for it to make an impact. Contrary to popular belief, even some people who are mandated can be successful in therapy.
   
   Also, certain types of interventions (or therapies) work better than others.
   
   Here's the link to an excellent (although long) article about different types of therapies commonly used with abusers, and their efficacy. http://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/201222.pdf
   
   I hope it helps.
   
   Don't forget: Doing something has a lot better chance of helping than doing nothing.

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   ATXposted 14 years ago

   The only way to end spousal abuse is by killing the offender!

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   marcel285posted 14 years ago

   Perhaps therapy will help, some people change, some don't. We all have the capacity to change.

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