Look I'm sorry if this is in the wrong forum, I don't know which one.
I need help/advice w/ my elderly parents.
They are a huge "responsibility" and need more and more care
but refuse it. It's complicated.
Mom is in rehab for hip surgery rehab--she was given a sedative to calm her down. She's 77. She called me 5x today. I'm worried in general because she's 'freakin'out. I can't visit her everyday and she's difficult when I do. How do you handle it? Our father is 82 and yells like a monster. He is very difficult and wants to die at home.
I need resources, this is getting worse. thankyou
Do you have any brothers and sisters to help you? They will be more comfortable staying at their house and having someone take care of them 24/7. Can you hire a couple of people to watch them?
I know it's very difficult but they are your folks. Put yourself in their shoes and you'll see you'd want your kids as well.
we are 10 children!! unfortunately because of "dysfunctional" childhood we all struggle and I have no spare change.
We will just have to rely on them-the parents- to pay for housekeepers and nurses...hmmm wonder if they would
but we have done tons of stuff, we shop we clean we help we pay bills for them, etc
(it's always never enough!!!) Oh and there are right now 3 people plus me pt living at thier house!!!
Oh, and they have a visiting nurse and another who bathes my Dad (:
Schoolgirl, if you can, try to hang in there until they're gone. You'll feel better once the inevitable happens. I went through that with my mother. She was at my house until she left us. I'm so very happy I did it too.
I'm sorry, I often lack to describe things accurately.
My Mom has recently shown signs of anxiety/paranoia/etc
My father has always been abusive and screams at us when we try to help
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We do the best we can with the circumstances given
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omg, that's terrible. im sorry to hear your having to go through all this. i can't imagine what it must be like for you to see your parents this way. i wish i did have some advice for you, but i don't, sadly, as i have little experience in this area. however, i do hope things get better for you soon, and that if you need a friend to talk to, then you know you can always e-mail me or something.
The only thing I can suggest is to have both your parents evaluated.
One- your mother should be placed in a nursing home until her hip rehab is finished.
Two- your father should have his competency level tested, to see if it his able to continually maintain his own care. If not, then options to place him in supervised environment might be required.
I realize he wants to die at home, but without supervision, things could possibly get beyond the control of any normal situation.
Just a thought. That's be best I can do.
*and just to let you know, I live with my aging mother, who has more physical difficulties than I care to discuss, but has already expressed to me her wishes of never being put into a nursing home. I don't know if this has occurred with you and your parent, but I'm not planning on putting her into one, if I can help it.
thanks, cagsil, that's nice of you to share
Yes, well, my parents def need evaluation!! (I mean really lol)
we are 10 kids
I guess my Mom just freaked me out but she's really ok right now........
On a side note, from reading the rest of what you have posted in this forum....between 10 kids, you should be able to take care of them. I think better organizational system needs to be put in place.
It's nice to have a visiting nurse coming in...that should help. So, with that said- just patience, love, compassion and things will work out in the end.
Just another thought.
Schoolgirl, I took care of my 80+ year old Mom (suffered from Alzheimer's) for many years in my home. It is a HUGE burden, but one that I would undertake again in a heartbeat. Like Cagsil, my mother had asked me early on not to place her in a nursing home.
I don't know where you live, but we have temporary rehab placements (I think that's what Cags meant by 'nursing home') for folks to recuperate from serious injuries. I agree that's the best place for your mother.
As to your Dad, just because he yells like a monster doesn't mean he isn't in charge of his faculties. Does he have memory issues?
We have a wonderful Visiting Nurse Association here that can work with you to take care of your parents' needs. I relied on them quite extensively until my Mom passed away. And I don't know their financial situation, but we hired a part-time person to come and help with the daily basics for my Mom. That 3 hours/day 5 days/week was invaluable.
Yes, a nursing home is equipped for both, temporary and long term care. The hip rehab would be temporary care.
What's that suppose to mean? I never left. I have been in and out of the forum all day, with a mixture of work on a hub.
it's nice to see your smiling face (if that is you!!)
THANKS EVERYONE!! I'LL BE READING MORE ON ELDER CARE.....
And, yes the picture on my profile is really me.
My dad was always- since I was born- like Hitler.
I'm just glad my brother is there while Mom is in rehab (she's a saint)!
SchoolGirl--I'm a little offended. Your OP sounded pretty desperate, and some of us then shared some pretty personal stuff. You've been laughing ever since and talking about your 9 sibs, private nurses and the like. Just not cool.
I'm sorry you feel/felt that way.
I was in a panic, perhaps anxiety attack.
Then I got support and calmed down and realized everything was ok.
My parents really drive me crazy sometimes...My Mom was calling me 5x today and telling my sister that "the rehab asked her about her burial plans and crazy stuff we know (now) wasn't true.
I have been through this in spades and sent you an email to a website that you may find helpful. Remember two things - one is to breath and the other is to keep your sense of humor (even if it tends towards dark humor - a laugh is a laugh and that is a healthy thing!)
Wishing you well, J
There is the issue that parents deserve the same care and respect that they gave us as children. If we treat them not so well as they descend into various forms of age related issues that make them more like children then we are either neglecting our duty or giving them tit-for-tat the bad childhoodd they gave us. To be a better person is to ignore what they did to you and do the right thing for them. And various solutions that involve handing over that duty to institutions or others is just avoiding your own duty. After it is all over - you will only be left with how you performed in the face of a little adversity.
We had my mom live with us for a decade. One day I walked into her room and found her babbling. We took her for evaluation and she was put in a home.
Funny story though - the doctor who first examined her came out to see me and told me she was fine and he was ready to discharge her. "In fact", he said, "She told me all about her appointment with her lawyer in Boston tomorrow"
I laughed and explained to him that she hadn't had a lawyer in Boston since 1959. He went back for another chat and this time came out with a different recommendation. He did say that she was obviously quite brilliant and had him totally fooled until she mentioned a non-existent painting on the wall.
Anyway, she went to the home and was "out of it" for years. Then one day my daughter went to visit and when she came home I asked how Gram was. She said "She's fine" and I said something like "Oh, good" and went back to my reading. My daughter became more insistent. "No, Dad, I mean she's FINE. She knows who I am and she is asking for you!"
So I got in my car and drove over and she was fine. It was like nothing had ever happened. Bright, alert, looking for something to read - I had to go back home and bring her a pile of books immediately.
Unfortunately her physical health had gone south from sitting all that time, so she could not come back home, but she lived another decade and was very happy until just before her death at 97.
Don't EVER give up hope. Her doctors said she was gone forever, that they NEVER come out of this. She did. That may be unusual, but it CAN happen, so never give in to despair.
Schoolgirl, if you mother is in the hospital, she should have a social worker is handleing her case, All patients in a hospital will have a social worker handling their case.
Ask to speak to the social worker, and explain the situation to her She will be able to refer you to different programs of assistance or at the very least give you options, then you and your family can go from there.
I was a therapist so I dealt with these patients daily. I usually had about 15 patients on my case load, and working with the social worker, we helped the family come up with the best plan for them.
As far as your mom, hip surgery can be difficult but most bounce back from it rather quickly, but not always, ask to speak to the therapists who work with her. See what you can do to help and let them teach you or your family what you can do to help.
These hospital staff members should have all the information you need to help your parents in the best way possible.
I hope all goes well, and if you have anymore questions please feel free to contact me.
These are difficult times for you and I will put you on my prayer list. God Bless!!
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