Help, elder abuse??

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  1. schoolgirlforreal profile image79
    schoolgirlforrealposted 12 years ago

    The facts:

    My dad told me tonight he'd rather be in the nursing home.
    He was taken out a few days ago by family who want to save $.

    His care at home is not so good. I was told it would cost $2,000 a month to be in the nursing home which is his pension check, that's all. No losing houses, whatever.

    My Mom wont have it.


    Yesterday I saw my dad on the potty for an hour, I came home and he was on it, and my sister who is nursing him, was out, it took an hour for her to help him

    Last night my brohter ignored dad's calls to help him pee. I had to tell my brother.

    I am not a nurse and I cannot lift my dad, my sister was a nurse, she gets paid for the hours she is here.

    So....I want my dad to get the proper care.
    I believe it's more important : people above money.

    I guess other family members disagree, but not all.
    Some are trying to talk my mom into getting the lawyer and getting dad back in the nursing home.

    1. Rpenafiel profile image60
      Rpenafielposted 12 years agoin reply to this

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  2. Jonathan Janco profile image60
    Jonathan Jancoposted 12 years ago

    Always people over money. But before you put a loved one in a nursing home make sure you get a very good look at the facility and know it well. Too many nightmare stories to tell from caregivers as well as those who have had loved ones in nursing homes.

    1. schoolgirlforreal profile image79
      schoolgirlforrealposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Well, good point. Do you think he'd be better off at home with less care? He did say once a night nurse was ruff with him. But one case compared with crappy home care?

      1. Jonathan Janco profile image60
        Jonathan Jancoposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        That's a tough call. I'm home with my grandmother so I can safely say that although there are only a few members of the family helping out, she's in good hands. In a nursing home, however, I don't really know what to expect. So I am sure there is no easy answer to that. But if he is insistent on moving to the nursing home, his request should probably be honored.

    2. kmackey32 profile image65
      kmackey32posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I work in a nursing home and I will say most of us take good care of the elderly...

      1. R.S. Hutchinson profile image71
        R.S. Hutchinsonposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        I was like, "awwweee!!!!" until I read, "most of us" ... then I was like, "Grrrrrr!!!"

  3. psycheskinner profile image84
    psycheskinnerposted 12 years ago

    The bottom line, assuming he is mentally competent, is what your Dad wants.  You don't seem to mention this?

    1. schoolgirlforreal profile image79
      schoolgirlforrealposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Yes he is mentally competent.
      I could have hessco come by and ask him , as long as he's not influenced by my mom ,

  4. Lisa HW profile image62
    Lisa HWposted 12 years ago

    Since they're elderly, is there some kind of case worker (maybe associated with wherever they get their income, or else, maybe, associated with their insurance?  Or else could you talk to your father's doctor about what's going on?  Maybe all anyone needs is to have someone talk to them about being more attentive, or maybe the doctor (or case worker) could talk to your father about what's going on or not going on.  Or, what about your town's/city's senior center?  Can  you or another sibling (not the ones taking care of him) ask him, when nobody else is around, if he'd want to be in the nursing home if things were better?  Does he think he's a burden on people?

    People dealing with situations like you've described usually know how things work and why.  They understand that it's challenging to care for someone like that.  Can't someone get a home health aid or maybe a nurse (paid for by Medicare, I think, under certain circumstances)? 

    Would your father still want to be in a nursing home if things improved at home?  I think he needs someone from outside to talk to him and see what's going on and why.  As far as I know, Medicare covers things like commodes or equipment he might need that might help him a little.

    1. schoolgirlforreal profile image79
      schoolgirlforrealposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I basically have no say in that I'm the youngest and they're leaving me out and they are all after the money. I didn't think so, I'm niave I guess. It's not the way I would think.

  5. BobbiRant profile image59
    BobbiRantposted 12 years ago

    Having worked nursing homes for a long time and having written a book about it, I have to say that yes, sometimes family members take advantage of seniors,but then, at the high price of nursing homes,so do they.  Nursing homes aren't evil people, just not places where freedom abounds either,many, many rules, unlike home. I would contact the local office for the aging and most areas have elder abuse case workers. But office for the aging is a good start.I know you want what's best for your dad.

    1. kmackey32 profile image65
      kmackey32posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I have worked in one for 9 years. You are right on this....

  6. Aficionada profile image80
    Aficionadaposted 12 years ago

    There are also (private) agencies that provide in-home assistance other than nursing care.  That could include things like bathing or showering, dressing, getting to the bathroom, etc.  It is not a free service, but it does cost less than a nursing home and it might provide a balance between some of the different needs and wants you have mentioned.

    I agree that your Dad's wishes need to be considered too, but in the end it shouldn't be about just what everybody "wants" but rather about what is best for him.

    1. schoolgirlforreal profile image79
      schoolgirlforrealposted 12 years agoin reply to this


  7. R.S. Hutchinson profile image71
    R.S. Hutchinsonposted 12 years ago

    Put an add up for live in caregiver at a rate of $1000/mo and then do extensive interviews. If they can't live with him, then hire someone full time for $1500 a month M-F 9-6 kinda thing, and family to pick up slack before and after. Just a thought.

  8. psycheskinner profile image84
    psycheskinnerposted 12 years ago

    If familial care was based on people not being rude, society would fall apart within days. He's your Dad, find out what he wants and see if you can help.

    1. schoolgirlforreal profile image79
      schoolgirlforrealposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      turns out he was getting my sympathy then went back to, I want to be home to save money. He's stubborn as a mule and rude as heck to me as well.  Nothing I can do except maybe get the heck away from this mess, it's making me sick.

  9. classicalgeek profile image82
    classicalgeekposted 12 years ago

    I really feel for you. I went through the same thing with my grandfather and great aunt when my parents and I cared for them, and I am looking at going through the same thing with my parents. My grandfather was cared for at home until his very last months, and my great aunt was placed in a nursing home because her behaviour was uncontrollable. The care she got at the nursing home was great until it was sold and then it went downhill. We moved her several times and the cycle just repeated itself but even with three of us we could not manage her.

    As for my parents, I will probably have to move in with them and hire some burly guy to come and lift them for me, and watch them when I am at work or sleeping. There is a bed and a potty chair that will give an assisted lift; I am looking into those as well.


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