Is it best to put aging parents in a nursing home or have them live with you?
persnally id have them live with me because i wouldnt want my dad goin into a care home as a think its callous and cruel
This is impossible to answer, every case will be different. I would always go for allowing parents to have their independence and live in their own home; however, if they need care and you are able to give it, the best place is with loving family. If they need specialist care, often, the only solution is in a care home, with frequent visits to ensure the standard of accommodation and care remains acceptable.
If circumstances permit, give it a good try. Sometimes the complications of aging will not permit elderly parent(s) to live under the same roof with you. If you can afford to hire help with their care, that would be almost like them living independently and under your supervision. Its a very difficult decision to make.
It's a tough question.
I thought my mother would have done better had she lived with me and my family or my sister's family, but she did not want to. When her mind began to deteriorate, it was too late.
She got more and more disoriented and had to move from one care home to another because she needed more care. This exacerbated her confusion. Her last days were not easy for her or for us.
Looking back now, I can say that we may not have been able to care for her as well as she needed medically.
Plus we were often frustrated with her because we could not help her understand things, and she got really angry with us.
So, I believe that each parent's and child's situation is unique and the decision has to be made that works best for those concerned.
What is the best you can do?
Generations ago, Grandparent, child, and grandchildren lived in the same home yesterdays are gone.
Could you now, offer the aged parent or grandparent, care throughout the day? Could you offer them, constant attention? Social interactions ( keeping in mind their ability), could you offer them 24 hour, accounted and documented care?
This is not an easy decision..........My own Grandparents would not have been at home in a " facility"............believing there was a place for them in the home of the family. The family of daughters, mothers, grandmothers..........the accepted view has changed.
People are valued and loved for their idicocyransies ( spg).....their personalities are accepted and embraced. They are loved.......not for what they were, but what they are now.
This is no easy decision.............it involves heartache, letting go............and trust....a hard thing to come by.
Ask yourself..........can you provide around the clock care without sacrificing your own familly life..........CAN YOU REALLY? Are you prepared to measure heartbeats, blood pressure, weight fluctuations, dietary requirements,? What about dance recitals, ball games, piano lessons, band practice, church participations?
Are you holding your loved one in a memory of what they once were, or are you seeing them what they now are?
I have worked in hospitals, nursing homes and altzheimers homes..........taking people as they ARE, not as they once were. I have grown attached, I have LOVED........
The change is what family has difficulty facing.........not saying the family is to be blamed.....rather, the difference between what is and what once was.
This is a decision you will have to make. Let your conscious be your guide.
My mother and I have always had a tumultuous relationship. Now as she is getting older, I have had to really ask myself this question: For the emotional well being of myself and my family; I would put her in a home.
It might be different if we had a different relationship but unfortunately after a 29 year estrangement, I just don't have the kind of feelings for her that most children might toward a parent.
When someone is appropriate for a nursing home they typically have more than 2 ADLs (Activities of Daily Life) that they can't do on their own; i.e. bath themselves, feed themselves, get dressed themselves, etc. If you are having a hard time deciding and there are funds available, you could try having them live at home with you and hire extra help. There are agencies available that offer 24/7 help or hourly help or even agencies that have companionship services. Take a look at a senior resource guide for services - even facilities (nursing homes). There are also agencies that will hire you to take care of your own parents - pretty cool! Also if they are more independent, you may want to consider an Assisted Living first (but I am not sure of your situation).
That has got to be one of the hardest desisions to make..thank goodness I dont think I will ever have to make it,I am lucky my mum is 91 and still lives alone in sheltered accomodation dispite breaking her pelvis and hip within a year.....However my in laws almost had to move in when mum became too much for dad to cope with..but she died in hospital (before we had to consider that option.)...quickly followed by dad ,so I have escaped that dilemma.
I think a decision such as that has to be very carefully thought out as it can cause huge disruption to family life and sometimes cause marriage breakups,it would largely depend on the ability you have to care for the parent and the space you have in your home to accomodate them comfortably....and of course how much they would rely onyou for their every day living and care.
I got my mother until she died at 92 in my home.
I think our parents deserve the same treatment we had when we where babies.
It is too easy to get your parents to a nursing home and get rid of the obligations.
It's like giving them away.
They where there for you when you needed the most.
Why not doing the same for them?
In my day to day work, I have to assist people in facing this decision. And what I have found is that typically, no one really addresses it until they have to actually, for real, make the decision because insurance isn't paying for another hospital day and it is time to go. I think the parents are often afraid to bring it up and the (grownup) kids don't want to think about it - think about mom and dad being dependent, being dependent on THEM. We all tend to think "not MY mother/father".
The reality is, only you can make that decision for yourself, as the potential caregiver. Does she need someone 24hrs to keep her safe because she has dementia or falls a lot or is she physically dependent or bedridden from a stroke or other malady?
If you are home, have a reliable income that doesn't require you leave the house to work, and are emotionally and physically able to do so - your home might be the best place for her.
It can be very rewarding to care for your loved ones but it is also demanding, difficult work. And, it has been my observation that your siblings are likely to think you are doing it all wrong.
If you HAVE to work outside the home and do not have a strong support system, then you are kidding yourself if you think your parent will be safe because you cross your fingers every time you go to work for a few hours and leave the phone within reach. You can hire aides and sitters,adult daycare, but in the US, that is private pay (not insurance). Even home health is approximately an hour a few days a week, depending upon the services your parent qualifies for (IF she does).
Then there are those who could stay home and not experience an economic tailspin - they don't HAVE TO work, but do because it is a career, part of their identity. If this describes you, then you have to weigh your parent's need against your need to maintain this career, achieve your own goals.
If a nursing home is the most appropriate option, it doesn't mean you will never see her again. You have some options in selecting a home. If you wait until the last minute (ready to discharge from a hospital) and the parent has Medicare (including supplements and replacements), your parent is going to have to go to first available in the area, but you can place her on waiting lists in preferred facilities. You can visit often - daily, weekly, make drop in visits to check care across the different shifts. Have meals with your parent, get to know the staff and let them get to know you and your parent.
It's difficult to make these decisions. Even more difficult if the possibility of needing this level of care isn't discussed beforehand and if we don't even want to think about it at all.
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