Please help...my step-son is running our lives!!

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   Wendi Mposted 13 years ago

   I am not the type of person to ask for help from outsiders (unless, of course, it pertains to my recovery program,) but I�m at my wit�s end, and could really use some advice.
   Iâ��ve been with the same man for over six years and we just married in July of 2010.  About one year after we began dating, he asked to move in, which I did.  The only obstacle (which really shouldnâ��t have been an issue because I had already raised two children of my own) was his very high maintenance son who lived with him.
   During the course of the four+ years that we lived together I watched this child milk his father for everything and anything he wanted.  While, in turn, his son refused to do anything that was asked of him (including chores, homework, wellâ�¦anything) unless he could get something out of it!  Therefore, his father and I were left cleaning up after him, which included:  Picking up trails of clothing that he would just drop on the floor as he walked through the house; cleaning up after every project he would start, and not finish, such as building a bob-house in the middle of the yard, hunting down, and washing, all of the towels that he threw wherever he happened to be when finished with them, picking up dirty dishes, tissues, hunting & fishing equipment that was left sprawled all over the house, getting his clothes out of the dryer and folding them (so that I was able to use the dryer too!)  And the list goes onâ�¦
   This may all sound petty if weren�t for the fact that:
   1.    While he never did any school work, and notes were sent home from the school constantly, his father bought him two different dirt bikesâ�¦both of which he beat the crap out of!
   2.    He failed his freshman year of HS, yet neither of his parents enrolled him in summer school, because those classes were scheduled at the same time as the Driverâ��s Ed class which he wanted to attend.
   3.    After failing his freshman year, his father bought him a truckâ�¦before he got his license.
   4.    He failed the written test (for his license) three times, because he refused to study for the testâ�¦yet his father kept taking the time off of work, letting him miss school, to drive him the 45 minutes to keep re-taking the test.
   5.    He continued to fail his classes, yet was allowed to take the 4 wheelers out, with his friendsâ�¦because there was never any repercussion for bad behavior.
   6.    I was asked to stay at the house on many occasions so that he could have his girlfriend over (in his bedroom) againâ�¦no homework was ever being done.  The one time I complained, his father spat out at me â��Other people have needs too!â��  My response was â��I donâ��t care what a 17 year old boy might need, in his bedroom, with a girl,â�� but apparently I was being unrealistic!
   Basically, Iâ��ve spent my entire relationship (with this man) watching him let the child walk all over him, because (as he puts it) itâ��s just easier to give in than it is to listen to him whine!  Because of his fatherâ��s inability to say no we have:  Raised two sets of pigs, had chickens, pheasant, every used/broken piece of junk (other peopleâ��s trash) sprawled all over our lawn, until dad would put all kinds of money (and time) into these things so that the son could turn around and sell it for cashâ�¦and many more ridiculous things that have even made my in-laws gasp!
   Things came to a head in the fall of 2009, when dad said â��noâ�� about something.  That is when his son lashed out at his dad, called him every name in the book and stormed out to move in with mom!  Shortly after that he began to complain about his truck, so dad put 2 new sets of tires on (within 3 months time, because he was destroying on purpose,) replaced the windshield, kept registering and insuring the truck, only to have him completely trash the thing, so that dad would be a new oneâ�¦which he did, then (again) registered and insured it.
   We then bought a house an hour away from the town his son lives in, but because he refuses to get a job (because, and this is what he said, it would interfere with hunting and fishing,) he has been commuting over our way every other week to do odd jobs (that donâ��t need to be done) to collect money from his father.  His father has been complaining about finances for months now, and I give him $500 of my income (monthly) to help smooth things over, so I believe I have the right to be angry when that same amount of money gets handed over to the child.
   Well last night he received a call from his son.  Apparently he needs money again, so his idea was to ask his dad if he could come over and log our 22 acres of land, and get paid for it.  His father would not say no to him, he simply said weâ��ll see (which usually translates into yes.)  Needless to say, my husband and I got into a huge fight last night.  He told me I was being ridiculous, and that I had no right to tell him I did not want the land logged, and â��Itâ��s not like I said yes to him anyway,â�� however he didnâ��t say no either (that always leads to a problem.)  I was under the impression that, since it was my home too, I had some say about what happens to our beautiful piece of property.
   Basically, I am sick and tired of having to fight about things that really shouldnâ��t even be occurring.  I think that as a 19 year old boy, this kid should concentrate on getting out of high school (once and for all) and getting a job, so that his father does not have to be his employer for the remainder of his live.
   So my question is�am I the crazy one here?

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      chamiljposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Some people never change. You have two options.
      1. Live with this.
      2. Quit.

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   cheaptrickposted 13 years ago

   What do all those little squares in your post represent?

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      paradigmsearchposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      That is when the HP forum editor screws up. My theory is that usually happens when the user's computer is low on memory; leastwise that's been the case when it's happened to me.

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         paradigmsearchposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Edit: In this case, as in most, it is the specific unsuccessful conversion of the apostrophe.

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      Wendi Mposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Sorry, I did not catch that mess that used to be my post!

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   Peter Owenposted 13 years ago

   Problem is not the kid but the father. Why should the kid get any better, he is being enabled to do whatever he wants. You will still be dealing with this kid the same way when he is 30 and back living in your house.
   You might suggest the father and mother need to have a sit down and discuss this kid's future.

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      Wendi Mposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I know it's the father (and the mother) but I am constantly being told that it's none of my business.  What I don't understand is how, if I've lived in the household all along, is it none of my business?

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         recommend1posted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Although everything tells you that it is definately to do with you - there is still little you can do about it.  I would be controversial here and suggest just doing nothing except chill out and settle back and hope for change.  The only alternative is to quit and leave I would say.

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            Wendi Mposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            I've spent a lifetime quitting and leaving, and promised myself that if I married again, I would work through anything!  This is just becoming a HUGE anything.

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               prettydarkhorseposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               You are in a difficult situation, I hope your hubby can see beyond his "blind love" for his son. It could affect your relationship with hubby. Support your hubby, but tell him what is on your mind and how this affects you.
               
               I really wish your hubby sees the advantages of telling his son to be on the "drive" for his own life.

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                  Wendi Mposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                  His blind love for his son won't even allow me to speak up when these things happen.  He simply tells me that I hate his son (which is not the case) and that I'm just jealous of him!

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                     prettydarkhorseposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                     That is tough specially in your case. How about changing your strategy when dealing with it, like let your hubby clean up the mess when your son visits or tell him you don't have anymore money to spare, but just say you want to help. You know now what works with your hubby and strategise on that part. Tell him you love his son because you love him, that is why you are concern.   Good luck Wendi!

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               recommend1posted 13 years agoin reply to this

               I can sympathise with your situation - but being in that kind of situation and then having to get out is part of being you.  You just haven't found the right kind of guy to hold you properly.
               
               From all your responses it is clear that the issue is with your husband, the boy is actually no more trouble than, say, a big dog if you think about it.  Smile sweetly, withdraw from the front line, do as little as you can - and save money for the inevitable move when it comes

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         rebekahELLEposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         The problem is what is being allowed. In one sense, it's the parents who are ruining their son's life. I would take a step back and make sure this is the man you want in your life.
         Whether the son is 19 or 45, he's going to expect to always have his way and probably won't be able to keep a job for long, if he can even get hired!
         Is the man worth the baggage?

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            Wendi Mposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            That's what I'm starting to question.  I thought he was, but I suppose now that I'm starting to question that (in my mind) I should probably re-evaluate my life.

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               rebekahELLEposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               I wish you the best. If you have discussed this with your man and he tells you it's none of your business, I'm not sure exactly how he can't see that it is your business, as long as it takes place in a home you share together as partners.
               Life can stare us in the face sometimes, asking, what's the next move. Sometimes putting ourselves in neutral until we have the answer is the best we can ask of ourselves. Take care.

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                  Wendi Mposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                  Thank you Rebekah!

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   Disturbiaposted 13 years ago

   "it's just easier to give in than it is to listen to him whine!"
   
   That single statement sums up your whole problem. Your step-son has no incentive to change his bad behavior because his parents have chosen to take the path of least resistance instead of the responsibility of actually parenting their son. 
   
   Who says it's none of your business?  You're his step-mother aren't you?  His actions directly effect your life don't they?
   
   Unfortunately, this family established their pattern of behavior and interaction long ago and they are OK with it. However, you have a problem with it, so you are the one who needs to make a tough choice. You could suggest getting some family counseling. If that idea doesn't fly, you need to either stay and learn to live with it because it's not going to change until they make the effort to change it (maybe get individual counseling to help you cope), or get out and find a more mature adult with whom to share your life.

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   EmpressFelicityposted 13 years ago

   "His father has been complaining about finances for months now, and I give him $500 of my income (monthly) to help smooth things over, so I believe I have the right to be angry when that same amount of money gets handed over to the child."
   
   Refuse to hand over the $500.  And save some money in a private bank account, should you have to leave.

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      Wendi Mposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      My husband suggested that I do that, so I could mind my own business about his interactions with his son.  And I would do that except...then he goes on about how I don't contribute to the house, so why should it be considered my home too!
      
      I know this is sounding worse as more comes, and I'm smart enough to realize that I'm probably stuck in a lose/lose situation...I guess I'm just trying to get up the courage to throw in the towel (one again!)  Something I did not want to have to do.

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         Disturbiaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         If it sounds like a lose/lose situation... what do you really have to lose by walking away, except a nasty-piece-of-work step-son who will probably end up in prison where he'll be costing all of us money, and a husband who doesn't sound like he's on your side about anything.  It seems like you've already wasted enough of your life on this disfunctional bunch of losers.

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            Wendi Mposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Thank you Disturbia...helps just knowing that I'm not the crazy one here, because that's what I'm being told (at home) constantly!

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               Disturbiaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               YOU ARE NOT THE CRAZY ONE!  Well maybe you will be if you continue the way you are going.  If you choose to stay in this relationship, you should probably get some counseling to help develop some coping skills and some tips and tricks to help you deal with this unreasonable situation.

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                  Wendi Mposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                  On my way to an AA meeting in a few...that's a start anyway!

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         EmpressFelicityposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         It does sound as though you're caught between a rock and a hard place.  Best of luck.

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   lynnechandlerposted 13 years ago

   Wendi can you take a breather? What I mean by that is leave when the son comes to visit, let them have the whole weekend. When you get back if things are a mess, leave it. It is hard to do but you have got to take a stance. I can say one of two things will happen, you will either find that this is not the way you want to spend the rest of your life or they will figure out that you are the glue.
   
   I found it wasn't the way I wanted to spend the rest of my life. Never realized the emotional abuse until I took this breather and found that while away a huge weight had been lifted. It's hard to take that step to leave but if that is what is going on your health will suffer eventually because stress does take its toll. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my thoughts.

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      Wendi Mposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      That was my intent lynne.  I guess I just wanted to hear that thinking along that line is not me being irrational!

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   jponiatoposted 13 years ago

   I was inclined to go into detail, but the other responders have summed up your position and your options succinctly.  So I'll leave you with this terse advice.  Leave Now.  Don't come back unless and until the situation changes to your satisfaction.
   
   Easier said than done, I know.  It is a life-altering choice after all.  But threats to leave will not work without the proof that you will follow through.  You have to show your new family that your opinions matter and your happiness depends on a more cohesive, mutually supportive family structure.
   
   OK, I went on more than I intended to.  Good luck!

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      Wendi Mposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you JP, I do appreciate your frankness...I'm not one who likes to deal with nonsense.  It just so happens that this is the most non-sensical situation I've every put myself in.
      
      Let me rephrase that "the most non-sensical situation" in my sobriety!

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   Ms Chievousposted 13 years ago

   At first I was going to advise you to leave all the parenting to his Dad so the mistakes can fall back on him, but the more I read the more I am concerned that it is your husband who has the problem.  Making remarks to you that you don't contribute to the household, giving 500 dollars a month to them, the fact he doesn't even want to talk about parenting his son, are all red flags. See if you can get the family to therapy.  Otherwise this guy isn't going to change.  It does not seems he respects you enough to hear your opinion.  If he doesn't make a change then you will have to

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      Wendi Mposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I know this now Ms Chievous...and it really saddens me.  My parents had advised me all along, that the children go off on their own eventually.  But I'm finding that it is probably never going to happen in this case.

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   TLMinutposted 13 years ago

   I know this situation quite well - I've seen it. (I've never been in it but I watch one of these every day). My warning to you is when this boy has children, they will be raised to do the very same thing. Not to their dad but to Grandpa. And Grandpa will give in to them too. It doesn't end.

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    Stacie Lposted 13 years ago

    I may sound harsh,but there were many red flags and you chose to ignore them before marrying him. You have to take care of yourself and clearly,by what you are telling us, your opinions are not respected. i think its' time to move out and use some tough love on your husband.
    You are just as important as the son,if not more.

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       Wendi Mposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Thank you Stacie.  I know what I need/have to do, and I wish things were different (I even wish that some of what I expressed was exaggerated, but it's not!)
       
       I was just hoping that, as the child got older, I would become a priority to him at some point...turns out that'll never happen either.

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