Ive been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. To fully understand my predicament you need to know the beginning. We started dating after he broke up with one of my ex best friends who is really a terrible person. Thats how we met. We started dating 4 yrs after this girl and i stopped being friends. We've butt heads a few times to say the least. My boyfriend and i delt with this and the fact that my family hates him because when we started dating, i was 17 and he was 22. enough said. I am now 1 month away from being 20.
Anyways, my dilemma. I love this man, i really do. He has changed tremendously since we've been together. But i fear its not enough. Im still supporting him. Ive moved across the country to help him pursue his dreams while i start my schooling, but once again he has changed his mind. I agree with him on the fact that i want to move closer to home, im excited about that. But i cant ignore the things that have happened since we've been together. Hes cheated in the past(the 1st yr of our relationship), he cant hold a job, and i now owe banks money and i have court fines, i hurt my family because of him, i hardly talk to my friends, i no longer have the energy like i used to, and ive gained weight from stress. Im not happy with myself.
But I love him.
We've had so many happy times. Thats why its so hard for me to make this disition. I need ppl that dont know me to help me with this. My best friend would just tell me what i want to hear, to stay with him. I need biast advice please.
Ive had dreams of marrying this man, and he wants to marry me too, but lately ive seriously been doubting this "fairytale".
Is it over???
People don't change. He may make an effort sometimes to be the person you want him to be - but every time he feels secure, he goes back to being himself.
If you don't want to be married to the man he was before he "changed", end it now.
I think its like with an old boyfriend of mine. he is, in a way guilt-ing you into staying with him, spend some time away from him (even if its for a day or two), and then go look at him from a new perspective, is he still the guy that you fell in love with? or is he someone you don't think you can be with 110%?
Well my sister I feel for you because I myself was in this same position. I dated my boyfriend for 6mths and I still to this day believe that I am still in love with the good times even though we only had 7days of them. After 7day all hell broke loose he became another person he would hit me punch holes in the walls be angry and upset all the time. He qiut his job and then become upset becuase he has no money but to make along story short because of the promblem I would say we started growing apart and he had the nerve to bring another women to my home and tell my kids and me that they were cousin later to find out that she was his ex girlfriend nah she has spent nights at my home come over all the time they sit on the phone and run up my minutes for hours. And after it all come out I still have love for him but i had to let it go I had to ask myself is this what i really want is this what happyness is. And even though our bad days out weighed our good I still loved him. Sometimes we cant help who we love are how hard we love someone but thruth is we have to come out of denial and ask if this person truly loves me. And if you find that they love is not equal to what your giving out then and only then hold your head up and walk away knowing that God will bless you with someone who will love you just as much and many times more then the love you wasted on someone who truly dont love you. Stay strong my sister.
Owing banks money is no fun - I know allll about that. Get out of there, get your life back in order, and find your self a guy who won't need you to support him.
Trust your instincts. Something is telling you to run, and I suspect that little voice of doubt has got it right. Sure it's going to be hard but it will get easier with time especially after you meet someone more like you that wants the things you want. Go and don't look back!
Your heart and mind is telling you that you need to take a break.
It is not good to make a desicsion in this state but you also kno that this is not a man that can keep you happy if he does not change, so you need to create some distance for a short while and give him the space he needs to get himself together.
If you have a bad feeling about this then listen to your body. Give each other some space, go back to your family for a short while then talk to each other in a few weeks when you have both had time to think and can talk openly about what needs to change if you want to be together for longer.
This might not make much sense to you - it's hard to understand for many but,
assuming you are intimate w/ him:
When a woman and man become intimately involved, there are chemicals released that make them feel 'bound' together. see my hub on Pure love, If we properly date and abide by the right rules, -not saying I do but I know from experience- we would not be so caught up in loving that person and we would see the true light, that we don't like the way they are, that it's unacceptable to us,,,and the "connection -fueled by the chemicals put out by our brain from sex...would not intefere.
Hope you make the right choice. Try abstaining, staying away from him awhile and see if you grow into a more logical approach. Best SGFR
In my opinion you should completely ignore this slightly strange chemical fuelled advice and just dump the guy, he is a loser and will never grow out of it - he is using you and you know it. Move back across the ocuntry and get back with you r family and find another guy who is worth you. I see that this was poste a couple of months ago so you should already be a continent away from him by now if you took the good advice earlier in this thread.
this is good advice, and im sorry to slightly hijack here and I dont mean to detract from what your saying but I just HAD to mention that you wrote a very very funny typo. I noticed because its one I frequently make and am usally terrified that I will miss it. look carefully at "country"
Is more or less accurate depending which one you live in I guess
Yeah - I normally check my typo's but I have a teacher sitting next to me constantly asking me questions about grammar that I am stretched to answer and rushed posting it ! Although some days typos' provide the only amusement in the forums
Reminds me of a trick played on our pub landlady, someone telephoned her and asked if Mike Hunt was in the bar, so she out "Is Mike Hunt here" a few times until she realised everyone was falling around laughing !
ha ha ha!!! I used to be in charge of the schedule at a place I worked. There was a sheet posted in the back for people to write the days they needed off. There were so many times that particular Mike needed weekends off. So did Jack Meoff.
I ran a bar for a couple of years while I went through Uni. I made an alchohol free cocktail for my partner's daughter, at a too well developed 14 years old, she then informed me that she did not like cherries and immediately shouted across the bar "does anyone want my cherry !! "
After reading your post the first thing that crossed my mind was you should separate from him because , as you said , your aren't happy anymore . But you did put a list of many bad things about him out there . More bad than good . So does this mean you kind of know the answer and just need the aproval of others ? But don't rush into a decision . The situation is not good at all the way it is but if you will leave him , you will not forget him easy or you won't forget him at all , because you love him so much as you say. So my advice is : if you think you talked to him in a nice way about the things you would like him to change and feel he doesn't make nothing , talk to him about a possible separation . Sometimes after a period of time spent appart people start to appreciate some things differently . This period will help you find out if he really is right for you or not and determine him to change so that he won't lose you again .
The question at the moment is not whether i is over or not. The question is- Do you think you can give it another shot?
Other than that, it is a good thing that you are standing by him through thick and thin. But is he helping himself? Remember that you cant help those who dont help themselves. There are so many things to do in todays world. If he cannot find a job, there are other ways to earn money. You mentioned that you are currently supporting his expenses. You need to make sure that this does not become a habit.
Also, if you feel that he is cheating, etc- Could it be that he is still with you only because you are taking care of his finances? Please think about it.
I have come across many such situations earlier, while counseling people.
I would like to hear back from you and hope that you have taken the right decision for yourself.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
Please feel free to visit our hub or email us at email@example.com.
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Make a list of pros and cons. If the good outweighs the bad (which in this case Im sure it wont) then stay. Otherwise, forget about loving him and start loving yourself. In a relationship like this either you're going to bring him up or he's going to bring you down. Find your self esteem, get out of this nonsense and never look back.
Maybe your ex best friend was terrible to this guy for a reason. Ever thought about that?
P.S. If your current best friend is telling you what you want to hear and not what you need to hear maybe you should evaluate that relationship as well.
If someone you didn't know asked you this question, what would you say?
If you join a site to ask this, you are grasping at straws. Look for a professional counselor, or a clergy-person if you are really unsure.
You know what you should do if your relationship has caused this much disruption in your life.
You described all the conditions of you being codependent on a leach. He is a blood sucker who will drain you of everything financially and emotionally, and then expect more. He wants you to fix his life, and so far, you've fallen for it. Trouble is, the sex is great, you have fun, etc. But honestly, that pay-off isn't enough or you wouldn't be rethinking your status with him.
The very fact that you posted here and are having second thoughts about the relationship is evidence enough for you to walk away. It will be hard, and he'll cry and you will too, but unless he shows absolute evidence of change and moving forward, supporting himself, and not depending on you, then you need to tough it out on the emotional/sexual connection and just do it cold turkey like any addict.
The one saving grace: both of you in serious, professional counseling. Otherwise this pattern will repeat itself until you hate each other and the breakup is venomous.
This is tough stuff. Sorry I'm hard nosed, but I've been through these things. In the end, it's just your decision, not anyone else's, but since you asked, I gave it straight.
Wishing you well.
I believe that you have been with this man soo long that u may feel like u cant start over. You still have a lot of life ahead. To be wasting ur time with a person who say one thing and does another is only holding yourself back, from reaching ur highest potential. I cant say to walk away however i will say ask yourself this. If u was in a relationship and someone help u better youself, to reach ur goals out of life, in return are u not going to help that person do the same? Thats what having a partner, a life time one is all about. Help each other grow into a better person. To build not destroy.
Don't look back...
I have had several relationships that I tried to make work when I knew that they did not... Don't give yourself more pain than you need to..
People do not change a huge amount.. if he is a leach now he will always will be...
You are still young, run now before you ruin your life..
First you need to be strong by being strong you will be respected then ask your heart & mind if this person care for you because unless both people care for one another nothing is worth worrying too much about just move on - BUT ups & down are part of every relationship give it time so there are no regrets later.
People can change behavior, but they cannot change their nature. If he is born to be an energetical vampire, emotional bloodsucker - he will stay like that. You'll get married,have children. You'll continue to suffer. One of your kids can even inherit some those traits, then it will be even harder.
This man is like a car with a big oil leak and motor that is ready to blow at any moment. Most women would have left him for just one of the flaws you have listed, whether they love him or not. He's bad news, break free and get away for a time, get to know yourself, your own beliefs, and travel if you need a change of scenery, but whatever you do break free, love should promise blessing not a life of misery. You are still very young, you will fall in love again.
In situations like this, Love is not enough.
If you can't trust someone then you can't be with them, simple as.
And because you're young, 3 years will feel like a lifetime. And it's because you're young that you should end it and find someone who will respect your choices, and your homelife and family. Or even stay single, have fun, make new friends. Each side has a positive, You just need to find it Hope that helped.
you just said everything you need in these words. listen to your intuition and pick up your self worth and leave this relationship. it will never change. your serious doubts are speaking to you.
you are still young. there are many happy times waiting for you with a man who will treat you with respect. good luck.
Everyone has reached a consensus it seems. You kind of knew the answer yourself too, I think.
I was in the same situation you are in not too long ago, only it took me almost two years to finally make the decision to leave. Two whole years. It only gets harder and more painful for both of you the longer you stay.
I'm lucky enough to still be friendly with my ex, because I, like you, do love him. I've got a whole hub about it because I thought maybe my story could help some people in the future. Maybe more hubs will come. Maybe you'll write some hubs of your own. Hub or no hub, I'm going to agree with everyone and say you should leave him.
You're also very young and have plenty of time to find love again. Just shy of your 20 bday? Your life is just beginning
Sweety, you're very cute & seem really sweet, too. You've got a lot more to look forward to in life. I can tell you, without a doubt, this dude is an abuser. He has all the signs.
Yes, you love him. You love the good things. What are the good things?
I could bet...no, promise...he will cheat again. Please leave him & go on with your life. Before you do, read a hub that makes a lot of sense: Run! Don't Walk to an Exit!
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's hard when you love someone and they use you. It's really hard to admit that you are being taken for a ride but if all the other people in your life are screaming that this person is bad news then unfortunately, that's what he is. Your not the first and you won't be the last person to waste your precious love on someone not worthy of you. If you ever need a shoulder, I'll be happy for you to lean on me. Sometimes a stranger helps where others can't.
I understand how you feel. I was married for 6 years in the same way. It is hard and it will hurt. It will take time to heal, but you should have left a long time ago.
A lot of people here have said everything that needs to be said, but I want to give you a little encouragement as well.
When you quit trying to make things work with the right person, and put an end to the codependancy, you will be free to find the perfect man for you. And he is out there. But you have to quit trying to make someone fit your idea of what you want, and find someone who already does.
JM makes a great point. With my ex, I was always telling him what I needed and feeling so hurt that he wouldn't give it to me. What I didn't understand until the very end was maybe he couldn't. It just wasn't in his make-up.
There's someone out there for all of us. Someone who we don't constantly have to ask to change. Someone who is already the kind of person we want to be with. Many people think we have multiple "soul mates," so don't settle for anything less that a person who builds you up!
The easiest thing that any one of us can tell you is to walk away but walking away is easier said than done. When love is involved, we often find ourselves in a bind because we develop comfort with and attachment to that person to the point where our future (in our eyes) seems to hold no one BUT that person in our lives. However, this is not the case. I have been there before where I thought that it was not going to get any better than him and since I had "so many happy times" with him, I thought it trump all the bad times we ever had. But again, this is not the case. Life does move forward without him and the "perfect" man for you is out there in a place you would never think you will find him though you may not see it now. Though it may hurt badly initially, all wounds really DO heal with time. Realize that you must love yourself enough to see that in no way is this situation good for you and that you deserve more. He should have the same love and respect for you to treat you as his woman/queen. If his actions does not match or exceed your actions in the relationship then it is not worth your time, effort, energy and most importantly your heart. But this realization must come within you. No one can help you to realize that but YOU. Evaluate your situation and ask yourself, do YOU really deserve to be with someone who does not treat YOU as YOU want and deserve to be treated and who should love YOU enough to get his act together for the sake of your relationship but doesn't? Remember: Never make a man your priority when he only makes you his option.
Don't you think the fact that your writing this... in a public forum... sort of maybe points to that time having already past.
This is when you need not only to use your heart but your mind as well. Does he really love you back or just really being nice because he needs you for support?
Review your situation, if he really loves you, he should prefer not to be a burden to you, he should have to pursue his dreams using his own sweat and blood. He should care about you too and your situation (family & financial matters.
Your parents are just concern about you, the reason why they dislike your boyfriend. Perhaps they have some reasons you cannot logically think of because you're so in-love with the guy.
You're feeling down and low because you are physically and emotionally used up. Maybe you're giving away too much, you should leave some love and respect on yourself too.
You need not break up but you could test the guy by telling him that you have to prioritize settling all your financial obligations (that you have acquired because of him) and that you cannot financially support him at the moment. The guy should understand your situation and positively take this move because he should have support himself way back, not solely rely on you.
If he gets mad and break up with you because you cannot financially support him, well that's it, he's just maybe using you. But if he took this positively, persevere his dreams on his own and still include you in his future plans, well that's great, that means he really does love you.
In Creole, we have a proverb that goes:"It's at the eve of the party do we know how good the party will be." I hope you understand what this proverb means. Forget about the proverb for now. Allow me to simplify it. If this guy treats you this way now, what can you expect after you marry him? It appears that this person doesn't really care about your feelings. Here you are making sacrifices for him yet he's cheating on you, he shows no appreciation, he's irresponsible, he's causing you much stress. What kind of a husband will he be? Do you think that he'll change after the honeymoon? If you can answer these two question honestly then you should know what to do. There is a reason your family don't trust him. They want the best for you. Sometimes, we stay in bad relationships because we don't feel so good about ourselves or we don't feel we deserve better. Many of us have been there. Trust me, you're not alone. Well, it's time that we think highly of ourselves. We're good enough, we're beautiful enough and we deserve men who can appreciate us.
I understand your position, Love is a strange thing even when you know its killing you you cant let go! well, there you are! I have been in a more depressing situation somewhat similar to yours and you know who helped me, God. I know its hard to believe but trust me when I say this, I was an aethist before that! God changed my life, try Him He wont disappoint.
Is it Over? If you have to ask the question then Yes it's over. I was in sort of the same situation. I had moved to be with this man I loved.....Then I found out I was broke, put weight on, basically everything you just stated above....The only advice I can give you is.........Don't be Afraid to Move on....There are other fish in the sea...Believe in yourself!!!! You sound like a wonderful person who is looking for love. First you need to start loving yourself again. Once you realize that you are a great person and love yourself the rest of your will fall into place. I don't know if you have ever heard the song "hero" by Mariah Carey. My advic to listen to the words and move on..You Can Do It.....You should be Happy and if your not Happy you need to move on!
You are so young and have so much potential. Leave now before there's a wedding ring. He's already showed numerous signs that he's not the one for you. Get out of the relationship, choose happiness, and especially make amends with your family and friends. Your kin will be the people that will be there for you when others come and go. Put yourself first. Good luck with everything.
You wrote this 2 months ago so have probably made up your mind by now but if you haven't well..from where I sit I would say that love without happiness is not enough and is it really love or the fear of being alone that is causing you to stay?
Anyway..for what it's worth I hope you find an answer that will help you move on in your life and start living again as a young person should
you need to leave him period. i am scared for you that he will abuse you. men have huge egos and the more your life is in order, the lower he wants to bring you.he might end up jealous of the way you have put your life in order and he will eventually start accusing you of pushing him around each time you try and talk to him to clean himself up.
you are only 20 my love and still have more than 5 years to find someone to settle down with.you need to leave him now because i do not see a future for this relationship.it's either you will have the strength to walk away or he will tire of you, want someone new or just ditch you for no reason.either way this relationship is over.
so ask yourself,why do you love him? ofetn people stay in long-term relationship like yours because they are in love with the idea of being in love,or in love with the idea of being with someone for so long or just afraid to look outside the window for fear of not seeing anything out there. if the latter is your reason for staying,then know you will meet someone else and even if it doesnt happen right away-you are better off alone than with this man who will eventually leave you anyway
you a remote control to him. he got you and still going for other and if they say no he knows he got you and that the way its going to be unless he find that woman he really want or you get tired of be his and he not yours. good luck
I hope you read all of the posts I can honestly say that I agree with the majority of all that was written. Don't waste your time, if this man loved you he would be busting his ass at 2-3 jobs doing all that he can to support the two of you. He is obviously a selfish guy who cares about no one not even himself. Do you want to be a woman who carries everything on her back, I can see it now you working 24/7 paying the bills, raising kids with whom you will not even have time to be with and he will be on a couch watching tv and drinking beer. A person who is determined and wants to make something of himself will not waste time and a real man will never live off a woman. He is using you, you love for him and your kindness. You need to man up and leave him but be ready that he will be begging you to come back because without you he has no one supporting him. This isn't love believe me. What you feel for him is piety you are playing a role of a caring mother and not a girlfriend/wife to be. I know how hard it is but it will never get better. If you want to test it leave him, if he truly loves you he will get off his ass, get a decent job and will come back to try to get you back. Ask yourself why would he even try when you are doing everything for him? Most of us become lazy when we have others do things for us, even I, but when I get a reality check I quickly snap out of it. Don't you think you deserve better? Trust me you do!!!
I hope you post to let us know your latest news. Good luck.
List pros and cons, that will make you see reality. Man are hunters by nature if they get comfortable they get bored and after this many years he knows exactly what to say to you to make you stay. Many man I know are great at NLP don't let him use it against you.
You stae that your stressed and unhappy wth yourself....ts time to draw the line. Others are not responsible for our happiness only we can accomplish this...go fnd someone or somethng that makes you happy.
True love is definitely a two way thing. If your love is not reciprocated move on and find someone who truly does love you. There is definitely someone out there for you - just believe it with an open heart. Good luck with your quest.
I just read your post.I must say that you are very brave to live life as you describe it.But,in your own words,"i'm very stressed..putting on weight..." can you try &learn to see things a bit objectively? Most of us consciously try to feel good about ourselves.We would seldom entertain any situation that would make our feel good factor disappear.Besides, we all have a right to live with DIGNITY.You are so near yet so far to live a life with self dignity.We all learn in our childhood that we should never lose our "esteem." Try recapitulate & you'll remember.To be in an euphoric state we first work hard to pave the road of that destination. Please, don't ever stop loving YOURSELF &FEEL GOOD.You can only DO IT,because you are so brave.
WOW. Your story sounds so familiar to mine. My mother used to always quote a saying to me and that saying is "I can do bad all by myself". Frankly, if this person brings you down and doesn't add to your life, you don't need them! If you want to do bad, its enough to have that kind of burden on your own, you really don't need anyone tagging along. But seems to me, that you would actually be doing much better if he wasn't around.
I understand that you love him. But if loving him is causing your self love to diminish, it's time to say bye bye. And trust me, that time WILL heal all wounds!
Time is always the best medicine for pain. You will be so proud of yourself looking back. What scares me into doing the right thing for myself is the fear of one day living with the pain of regret. DO you really want to look back on your life and realize that the only person you could blame is you for having flushed your sanity & finances down the toilet?
You never know, your leaving him might make him a better man one day and help him to get out there and make a living for himself...
it depends on you whether it is over or not....... i mean you know him better than us........ you should talk to him about your problems and feelings.......and if really loves you then he will understand......... before ending up you should try to save the relationship..... still if you think you wouldn't be able to handle, then you should break up......why to take mental stress.
there is no perfect relationship....but if the agony is frequent, I guess it's not wrong to let go. We women, always ask this question, which is sadder leaving my life with this man and yet you still feel sad because of him or leaving a life without him? sometimes we fear missing the person...but always think of yourself and your life. I know it's not easy I was once like you, but time will come you will realize you already run out of love....Just love yourself even more....
sometimes if the relationship is bad, bad luck goes with it.... When I finally decided to let go of my ex, I realized I can still be happier....and more blessings came... I hope the same for you..
I think that you need to ask yourself what is it that you actually love about this man? Sounds like you have an addiction rather than a relationship.
It seems that you need to work on you own self-esteem and self love, as you need to realise that you deserve a man who works, looks after himself and you, and supports and encourages your relationships with your family and friends.
Let him go and spend some time on the most important relationship of all - the one you have with yourself - and get that healthy before you date any other guys
Ok girl... i had an experienced with long term relationship. I had once a 5 years relationship. In contrast to you my Ex was very possessive and jealous guy and cheated me once. There are times that I am choked and I had a hard time to all the things I want in life because he don't support me emotionally. The fact that I love him so much time came that I had to give up my feelings it was gone because he taught me not to love him.I am seeking the real happiness and freedom what life is so I bravely ended up our relationship though we have so many good memories it was all vanished because all I felt to him was anger and hate. We even planned to get married but I never regret to end up.
With the the help of my family and friends encouragements I was brave enough to face the reality of telling the truth to him I really don't care what consequences might happen. My realizations also help me to push through my plan with the help of God's guidance I made it. I even not got hurt when I saw him crying begging me because I am very well prepared and ready.
---> All I can say that every relationship is not perfect and do not expect that who ever you are with he will be yours as you want. There are challenges in life though it hurts we have to try or else we will suffer and end up regretting since we have so many choices to take we just sometimes ignore our chances because of the feelings that we can't leave behind.
It is not good also that you are so down and would put you in danger of imprisonment. Do you think it is good for you? If you are together will you be happy? will he change? can he handle you with care? can he take his responsibilities to you as a man? ask your self, have a quality time with your own so you can think of a hundred times.The reason why I ask you those it's because you may open your eyes and be aware and to realize.
Honestly dear no matter how good the advices of all the people if you, your self still confuse and won't move forward still you will have difficulties. Besides when you end him up I know it will be Painful and long process for you to move on.You are still holding onto that thing which is not good to you and to the people around you don't be too selfish LOVE YOUR SELF how can others love you the way you wanted if you do not know how to love your self.
all of the decision making would be still at your hands what ever it is I still respect you.
Good luck dear I hope you be okay and God bless you my friend.
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|Remarketing Pixels||We may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.|
|Conversion Tracking Pixels||We may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.|