Need constructive criticism!

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   Direxmdposted 15 years ago

   My newest article: http://hubpages.com/hub/Why-Social-Secu … l-Collapse seems to be attracting few hits so far, is it too short? too much jargon? Just need to find out why hits are so low this morning.
   
   Please give any criticism as you see fit
   
   Thanks!
   -Mike

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2. 0

   Rainbow Briteposted 15 years ago

   informative, and broken down in a very readable fashion.  Problems I see with the hub...
   1)  Sounds very much like an opinion, rather than the factual information that it is.  This can easily be fixed by limiting the use of "I" statements.  Instead of saying "I think this will happen because (xyz) is happening," say, "This is what will happen when/if (xyz) happens."
   2)  The "socail security for dummies" fashion that this hub is written in can be a pro and a con.  By that I mean that some people (such as myself) who have no clue about anything political will appreciate the laymen's terms you have used, others who deal in this professionally or who take a greater interest in it may find it insulting to their intelligence and probably know everything that you have stated.
   3)  You have a surprisingly few number of tags.  Remember, when people do a search, the information in your tags is used to help decide if your hub is going to be along the lines of what they are looking forr.  So, think about what you would type in were you to search for the information contained in your article
   4)  This may be because of the fact that I know nothing about your subject matter, but I was confused by what afghanistan's population pyramid had to do with your subject.
   5)  Layout - The charts and video you have are interesting and helpful, but maybe breaking the text up a bit and inserting the graphs accordingly might help?  Also, the video moves a bit fast...it is necessary to pause the video several times to read what is in the green box.  Is there another similar video avaliable?
   6)  "I invite you to keep reading..." I have a problem with this sentance...it sounds like you're afraid that you've bored me to death and you're scared that I might leave the page.  Don't beg for your readers' attention, command it.  Many times I have been advised to leave author's asides or forewarnings out of my hubs, and when I removed them, they performed markedly better.
   
   In terms of traffic, I wouldn't worry about it, you have a high hubscore, which means that the traffic will come.  Remember time zones, peoples' schedules, etc.
   
   Over all, a very good hub, I learned something new today!  Thanks for sharing!

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3. 49

   Donna18posted 15 years ago

   The friendly and the non explanatory attitude kept me glued.
   On the other hand I think:
   1)You could avoid certain phrases which unnecessarily elongate the thesis. At some places it sounded more like a Presentation before an audience than a thesis to be read.
   “I feel that it is now necessary to bring in the topic of population pyramids…
   As said above…
   To keep this article short, sweet…”
   Sentences like these can be avoided.
   2)And yes you can limit the use of “I” .Third person speech should better fit.
   3)All way through the thesis I was getting convinced that the system may not work after all. The conclusion can be more persuading and powerful as well.
   
   Definitely a good read and you kept it thoroughly interesting.

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   Direxmdposted 15 years ago

   Thanks a bunch guys! THAT was good criticism
   
   I made another article that could use some critical attention as well, if not, that's fine too:
   http://hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Find-Che … s-Yourself

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5. 74

   sschilkeposted 15 years ago

   Direxmd,
   
   I just read your hub on social security and cheap airfare.  Here are some of my observations.
   
   1)  You could have cut both articles by half and both articles would have been effective. 
   2)  Please do not say "as stated before" or any like statement.  As a reader, I can come to that conclusion on my own.
   3)  When writing information hubs traffic (outside of hub pages) depends largely on your ability to articluate information about niche topics. 
   
   Example:  If you want to write about Social Security, write about a specific part of it... perhaps about the potential proposals floating around Congress to raise the age for bennefits...or for your article on cheap airfare, write specifically about how to best utilize Southwest airlines (seemed to be one of your favorites) and specific routes.
   
   Hope this helps,
   
   Best of luck,
   
   Sschilke

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   Direxmdposted 15 years ago

   Okay, I think I've had enough.  Thanks for your help guys.

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7. 82

   SweetiePieposted 15 years ago

   Also, be very true to yourself and only take suggestions with a grain of salt.  Everyone will tell someone a different thing about how to improve this or that, but maybe I just am not worried because I write for myself.  When you decide to just focus on your being satisfied with the hub it does wonders.  Sometimes even working on a hub over several days allows you to edit at your leisure.
   
   Also, long hubs are good for search engines and I would not cut anything in half.

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   Direxmdposted 15 years ago

   thanks sweetiepie, that brings up my morale a little bit

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9. 0

   Leta Sposted 15 years ago

   OMG...  Remind me not to form a writers workshop on hubpages ever...
   
   I'm sure you are fine, comparatively speaking.  Sweetie's is the best advice.
   
   

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    Direxmdposted 15 years ago

    LOL Lita

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11. 0

    Rainbow Briteposted 15 years ago

    lol lita that goes without saying!  Get a room full of writers reading and critiquing one another's work and they will NEVER leave and NOTHING will ever be completed or accomplished because everyone wants their say in everyone elses work and...well it's just a mess.  For that reason I rarely comment on others' writing (except gross gramattical or punctual errors), but direxmd caught me on a night that I was desperately seeking distraction.  (thanks a bunch btw!)  In any case, direxmd, as a writer, you're better than most, worse than some, which is kind of where I strive to be most days, so congrats on that!

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12. 0

    Direxmdposted 15 years ago

    HA! Thanks, I strive to be a C+/B- writer
    
    Mainly, I don't know who my audience is yet (whether it be academic, or a 'for dummies' article audience), so I try to find a middle ground in between them (which contestably, is worse than specializing in a certain audience).  I guess that specialization will come with time.

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