Christians: I really need help with forgiveness...

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   FelineFranceposted 12 years ago

   Okay so I was and still am head over heels for this guy. The more I got to know him I found he was a pathological liar, I can say maybe 10-20% of the things he told me ended up to be truth. Even the true things he told me, were not completely true. He had another girlfriend while seeing him and also I am pretty sure he is involved in the drug world and steals. I can not explain why I like him and am so jealous of him. I found out he had congenital heart problems. Instead of feeling, sad for him, I feel a little happy, I do not think that is right because one I believe in Karma, I fear what will happen to me for being happy he has congenital heart problems. How can I completely forgive and forget him? I want to erase him from my memory.

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      dutchman1951posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      ????????????????????????????????
      
      you know the truth right?    just walk away then. Your answers are right in front of you??????

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   jponiatoposted 12 years ago

   The guy has repeatedly lied to you, and so you felt a little gratification at learning that he has medical problems.  You already know this is uncharitable, and feel some guilt, but at least you recognize this and have shared it with us, so hopefully you won't dwell on that too much.
   
   You can't completely forget him, and there's a good reason for that.  If you could, you might very well make the same mistakes again.  Not that I think you should be mistrustful of every guy you meet from now on, but every relationship we enter teaches us something about ourselves and about each other.
   
   I think as part of forgiving others, it is important to forgive ourselves as well.  In your case, for being taken in by a liar, and for taking some pleasure in his misfortune.  Say to yourself, "yes, I was naive, but I'll be wiser in the future.  Yes, I harbored unkind thoughts, but I know I'm not really a vengeful person, and I can move on without belaboring this."  When you realize that although extremely painful, that you can learn and grow from this experience, then you can begin to forgive that guy.
   
   And since you've reached out to Christians in particular, I'll add that belief in a higher power, and a little prayer for strength and guidance, has always helped me through my most trying challenges.

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   sholland10posted 12 years ago

   It is hard to forgive a lie (or several).  You know you deserve better, but would your REALLY in your heart of hearts want anything bad to happen to him?  You may be having a "serves you right" moment, but again - REALLY?  Would you see him suffer? 
   
   From a Christian perspective, pray for God to take it off your shoulders and even ask God to forgive you for the bad thoughts.  Ask God to wipe it out of your mind.  Right now, it seems that everything is raw for you, but do not sink to this guy's level.  Let God handle things for both of you.  Pray that this guy gets help because there is something definitely wrong in his life to make him that way. Pray for his physical health too. 
   
   Don't beat yourself up after all is said and done. God forgives and forgets. Have a clean conscience for yourself.  I will say a prayer for both of you.  Praying for you to have the strength and for this guy's many problems to lead him into being a better person. 
   
   Any other Christians reading this, add FelineFrance to your list of prayers.
   
   I wish you the best! :-)
   
   Take Care and God Bless!

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   Stump Parrishposted 12 years ago

   Feline, I am not a christian but would like to point out that one thing has nothing to do with the other. Your discovering he has lied to you and the resulting anger, while understandable, did not cause his heart problems. You have gotten some good advice from those before me and I have no intention of offering any of my own. I do hope you find a way to get past this and that you find yourself better prepared for your next relationship.

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   Emile Rposted 12 years ago

   Not to sound suspicious, but you may have been dating my brother. Being related to a womanizer, I've seen this happen repeatedly. Smooth talk,  inconsistency in relationships, infidelity, hearts broken and the emotional fallout.
   
   I think a lot of women fall for these types because of the talk and then paint a picture  in their mind of who the guy is, but even though they  get hurt when they find out the truth, they 'just know' the man they imagined is really in there somewhere; and if they just try hard enough that diamond in the rough will shine through. The guy will finally realize what they are about to lose.
   
   That's not realistic. The guy isn't going to change. He isn't worth your anger, or guilt. So you had a hateful  thought in response. It doesn't make you a bad person in jeopardy of cosmic retribution.
   
   Remind yourself that you are the better person and don't feel used by the experience. Learn from it and move on. He isn't worth the pain he has caused you.

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      C.V.Rajanposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Matured counsel.

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   earnestshubposted 12 years ago

   I'd listen to Emile on this one, and as a guy I can tell you she is right. Adults don't change much as a general rule, move on.

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   TMMasonposted 12 years ago

   It isn't easy to forgive, or be forgiven, and once forgiven, it isn't easy to feel as if you have been forgiven, or as if that forgiveness you gave, is correct for having been given.
   
   That said... lol, and yes that was a serious atatement... however confusing it might seem.
   
   The hardest part of forgiveness, is feeling as if it, whatever it may be you forgave, or asked forgiveness for, is truely forgiven, whether for yourself, or of someone else.
   
   I believe that forgiveness is attained by praying and asking for forgiveness, and through the remembrance of the guilt we felt, (remorse), for what we had done, we secure that forgiveness continually. As too many poeope ask forgiveness and then simply go abut their lives making the same bad choices, or committing the same bad actions.
   
   
   As to forgiving another... that is also a continual process. We all have wanted to forgive someone who has hurt us, or done wrong to us, and we all have issues with actually accomplishing the act of forgiveness, this in no way diminishe you, or the forgiveness you offer, it does not cheapen it or mean it isn't real in any way. It is just a very hard thing to do.
   
   That is why so many times we can forgive someone, and convince ourselves and them it is so, and then at the first sign of trouble with that individual, argument over something small, abuse of your friendship or relationship etc, we blow up and throw up that which we had said we forgave.
   
   And that is why it is not easy to be Christian. But that you recognize and undertsand that you are having an issue with forgiving, is the right step and the path you must continue down.
   
   Eventually... you will truely forgive him, that doesn't mean you will get back together and live happilly after, it simply means that at some point you will have truely it accepted in your heart, and it will not seem as if you are internally conflicted. You will grow used to having that forgivnes in your heart and it will settle... the bad taste from it will eventually disapate.
   
   I hope that helped... I know it seems a lil confusing, but that is how I see it.
   
   Chist did not give an easy command when he stated we should forgive our enemies... it is one of the greatest and hardest of challenges for any man or woman.

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   FelineFranceposted 12 years ago

   Thank you very much for your advice

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