Teen Dating: When should mom step in?

1. 72

   stylezinkposted 12 years ago

   My son who is 15 years old, has a girlfriend, she's 15 as well, that he's been seeing for 8 months or so. I never really cared for her, like most moms. But I think my situation is a little different. I recently learn that she has some 'issues.' [That's me putting it lightly and I do know exactly what is going on] I don't think it's healthy for them to be together right now. I also think a break up is needed for her to get the help she needs and for him to get back focused on the things that make him happy.
   
   Both of them have also been pushing the limits at my house. About a week ago they were caught in his bed under the covers together. He was told she couldn't be in his room and they both still did it. She knows too, I've said it to both of them, and I have a rule of both feet on the ground in my house that both of them are aware of. Also, I'm not trying to be grandma anytime soon and I was a teen mom. I don't want to see either of them struggle like I did. Since this happened we said that she couldn't come over here anymore. Do you think we were wrong in 'banning' her from the house?
   
   My son is involved in school activities and has a band outside of school too. Lately, he is showing a loss of interest in his activities and doesn't want to do anything with the family anymore, he would rather stay at home. I've even invited her to go with us and he always finds some reason for them not to go or she just doesn't like what we're doing. He used to practice with his band almost every weekend and they haven't had practice in over a month. I noticed the delcine in his interest before they were caught in the bed.
   
   I have also tried numerous approaches to my son with this situation. I've been understanding, we communicate greatly, and haven't been mean asides the 'banning' thing. I don't know what else to do. Do I ride it out and hope it self-destructs on its own? Or do I step in, in a creative way, to initiate a break up?
   
   *This was orginally asked in the 'Questions' but moved here by the advice of HP. Thanks HP for bringing to my attention the difference I totally agree it should be here in the forum after reading the few answers from hubbers last night.
   
   I have to say one more thing because of one of the answers I read before the question was removed. A hubber asked me if I tried to get to know this girl before I judged her. I feel like I did, as much as I need to know. And stating she has issues is not a judgement, it is a fact because of all I know. Besides that they're 15 years old for crying outloud! No one can make me think this girl will be his wife one day. He's too young for me to look it at that way at this time. If it happens, it happens, and I'll accept it when they are adults. But not right now. This same hubber wrote that I should take the time to find out what's going on with her and help her. To that I say I already know, and this girl has her own parents and they are dealing with the situation by getting her help.
   
   Oh, and I also am aware saying anything about a break up will back fire on me.
   
   What would you do? What would be a good approach?

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2. 61

   SomewayOuttaHereposted 12 years ago

   ...oohhh teenagers...what's the issue(s) - the gf's issues and/or that they are sexually active?
   
   i'd probably remove the ban and speak with both of them about protection since they are no doubt sexually active - it can be a hard discussion but i figure you are trying to protect your son from going down a rocky road - teen pregnancy.  A frank discussion would be fitting - no beating around the bush about sex etc. - they are 15 and my take on it is if they are sexually active they should be able to discuss it and take precautions; however, since they are young - following up about protection is important and following up with a few discussions around their choices/decisions to ensure they make good ones.
   
   as for the g/f's issues - guess it depends on what those issues are and whether or not you don't want her influence around him...i'd be in touch with the parents - if they are loving parents and pay attention, they will want to stay in touch as well - especially if she is spending time at your place and your son at their place.
   
   they could be feeling 'in luv' and trying to break them up could backfire and cause more problems - it's been 8 months - that's a long time for a 15 year old.
   
   i've been there - a lot of what i've said above really depends on your relationship with your son - years before and now.
   
   ...good luck!

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   1. 72

      stylezinkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I think you're right about having a more detailed talk about them being sexually active. I've had previous conversations with him but after reading your post I think I need to be more detailed. You're right if they are practicing it they are old enough to know everything about it.
      
      I am sort of in touch with the parents but there's a little bit of a language barrier that makes it difficult. I guess I could work on that as well.
      
      
      Thanks for your suggestions.

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3. 93

   thooghunposted 12 years ago

   Any attempt to "curb their curiosity" will only enrichen their drive towards experience. It's not one of the things a parent can fully control. Nor, unless patently unhealthy, should they (in my opinion).
   
   While it's natural for parents to want to shield their children from hurt, it is also through hurt that real life-long lessons are learnt -- and while he is young, it's a lesson that hes going to have to learn soon enough anyway. I would keep an eye out but ultimately sit on the rails (again, unless it becomes overtly unhealthy -- at which point I would put the foot down).

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   1. 72

      stylezinkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I agree that any attempts curb their curiosity will back fire and that it's out of my hands.
      
      I do see the whole situation as a learning experience for him. But I didn't learn about all the mental disorders out there until I was an adult. I don't think at 15 I could comprehend all the different disorders, symptoms, and coping with someone that had one.
      
      I've been keeping an eye on the situation and I'm lost as when to step in. When is it time to say enough? How far do I let it go? He used to be in 2 bands this year and says because he doesn't have enough time for her he quit one of them. I've seen him sad and cry because he said, that she said, "You don't try hard enough to see me." Whether that's true or not who knows, but if it's true ,I don't think that is fair. He has his school activities that he has to go to and his band after school practices to perform at local venues. He can't take the blame for that alone. They both should try.
      
      So do you think it's time to step in?

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4. 73

   Eaglekiwiposted 12 years ago

   Parents are not perfect ,but they are the parents
   
   I have raised 3 sons, and its never easy.
   Every kid is different ,as are circmunstances,so those facts will alter resolve somewhat.
   
   Having said that ,you make the rules ,it is your home ,actually more than your sons, as he will move on someday, and make his own home and rules-but until that day you da boss
   
   Sure kids are gonna do what has been done for centuries,we have all been there (at some time) but do you want them to do it under your roof?
   
   Loving and parenting takes on many roles,just figure out what is fair without compromising your own standards.
   
   I tried to be fair with my sons, with as few rules as possible
   
   1/ No Drugs
   2/No sex
   3/No Alcohol......Til Youre 30
   
   (See that way ,after they graduate ,or get a job ,they are so motivated to leave home) which is also natural
   
   Good luck !

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   1. 72

      stylezinkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      You are so right! Every kid is different my other son is completely opposite of this one. He's a year younger but is a 'angel.'
      
      After much thought I plan to stick to my banishment right now. If something changes then I may reconsider down the road. I laugh at your rules because those are the same as mine. They are pretty much free to do what ever, I just remind them to have common sense in every situation and wherever they go.
      
      I look at every situation my boys are in and think about it. Do I really want to battle this? Is it worth it? How bad of a crime is this? Did you do this? What did your parents do? What do I expect from this? I look at all aspects and the outcomes. Most of the time I end up just talking to them explaining what, why, and the results of what they did. Or I don't see it as a big issue and more of a teen will be a teen attitude. My motto with kids, "Pick and coose your battles." I don't gripe at my kids as much as my parents did with me.
      
      I agree with everything you said. And it looks as though this is going to be a live and learn situation.

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      1. 73

         Eaglekiwiposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         I reckon you have it under control-or at least have your finger on the pulse.
         
         You sure made me think back over a few things. Even if we could change anything,we probably wouldn't because we are dealing with it 'live' so to speak.
         
         Even friends mean well, but its not their kid ,and you are not them,so in the end ,love, even tough love is something you gotta live with.
         
         Youre doing it - Way to go Mom
         
         
         Now my sons are older and in that safe zone they can laugh over what they got away with...(they think)...but as it turns out, the smuggled in beer at 16 ,and the camping with a girl ( when I thought it was a few buddies) etc lol, oh and when they 'borrowed' (hmm) a basketball from school...
         
         Of course I feigned complete shock (lol)...and felt relieved those weird and wonderful teenage days are over.
         (One is even married now and his wife complained to me (in fun) one day ...ohhhh how do I get (son) to listen to me?)
         
         Ha, I thought its not my problem anymore

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         1. 72

            stylezinkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            All these teenage emotional roller coasters. One week it's fine the next it's DRAMA! I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about.
            
            We have decided to allow the girlfriend back into our home. But they are only allowed downstairs. After much thought my partner and I agreed on this. They actually gave in before me, lol! But we now have a clear understanding of times of visits and respectful behavior in our house. We'll see how this goes.
            
            We have also decided to have another birds and bees coversation this weekend, involving condoms. Yippee! [serious sarcasm] I'm not looking forward to it but I know I can only tell him how to be safe. Sex is going to happen and I can't stop it, but I can tell him the consequences and give him the protection he needs. We plan to talk to both my boys about it at the same time, one's 15 and the other's 14, in just a few weeks they'll be 16 & 15.
            
            I can't wait for my sons to get to the 'safe zone' but at the same time I'm not ready. I know they're going to grow up and move on I just hate thinking about it. I'm sure you've had those days where you look at one of your children and reflect back to when they were a toddler and think, where'd all the time go? That's where I'm at. I just wish the teenage years were a little kinder.
            
            I agree everyday is a 'live' learning moment with children. Sheeesh, Life, with all the variables, it's harder than school, lol!

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