I'd like feedback on my Hub: The Lighthouse of Terror

1. 63

   Whispering Nightposted 6 years ago

   Hi Hubbers,
   
   I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my Hub The Lighthouse of Terror. What can I do to improve? Thanks!
   
   This is a simple story but scary at the same time. I cannot change the story in anyway.  I only want to know if there is any possible  grammar mistake. I did proofread the story many times and did lot of changes. Thank you.

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   1. 97

      theraggededgeposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Your tenses are all muddled up.
      
      It seems to be... is present tense. I arrived at the lighthouse... is past tense.
      
      You don't need 'seems'? It's either a dark and gloomy evening, or it isn't. Tell us what it's like... "It's a dark and gloomy evening as I arrive at the lighthouse..."
      
      The first paragraph is written mostly in the present tense. The second paragraph is a mix of present and past. This third is mostly present with a couple of past tenses. And so on....
      
      If he just arrived at the lighthouse that means he's been somewhere else...yes? Then he's permanently trapped? Then many years passed and he set fire to the building (narrating from the present, speaking of the past). Your sequencing is not quite right.
      
      It's difficult to burn down a lighthouse unless it's wooden. There's nothing in it that will burn.
      
      You could try writing it as if you are living it. As if you are acting it. Keep it all in the present tense. Some writers do this to increase the tension and to put the reader right behind their eyes. Think of The Blair Witch Project. So the story could cover the events of just one night, perhaps? You could refer to past events as though remembering in flashbacks.
      
      Which is the scariest part? You need to build up to it, increasing the tension until the reader is screaming inside their head with terror, Every line, word and sentence amping up their fear, bit by bit. Then the unexpected, blood-curdling twist that leaves the reader's heart beating and wanting to read more of your work.
      
      I found this site: http://flashfictiononline.com/main/arti … es/horror/
      
      Good luck.

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   2. 94

      greenmindposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      I think if you're going to summarize or retell the plot of an existing work (in this case "Edgar Allen Poe's The Lighthouse Keeper," a film based on Poe's unfinished last work), you need to say that right up front. It looks to readers like idea originated with you, when in fact it didn't.
      Your grammar is generally good, though there are a few distracting mistakes. The bigger issue is your sentences are very short and choppy.
      Hope this helps!

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2. 63

   Whispering Nightposted 6 years ago

   Thanks for the feedback. I am not able to do any changes with the smart phone. A couple of days left to reach my pc where I can store back up, do changes and paste here.

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3. 63

   Whispering Nightposted 6 years ago

   This story is completely different and simple. I have never seen the movie till date. Its just a single person and a light house. No too many characters involved. At first I gave the title Edgar Allan Poe's Last work The Light house but the moderator suggested me to give a original title.

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4. 63

   Whispering Nightposted 6 years ago

   Something still not happening here. The whole story is like a flashback from the narrator. please help me and pinpoint any grave mistakes still visible

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   1. 97

      theraggededgeposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      "A long time passed, all I could hear was absolute silence of death. I am at the mercy of these strange creatures of the night that appeared in the darkest hour."
      
      Tenses, Timothy.

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