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Happy Fourth of July!

Updated on July 5, 2013
Father of our Fireworks!
Father of our Fireworks! | Source

Hey, why not punctuate your Independence Day celebration in grand fashion with our heroic first President, George Washingmissileton, the Father of Our Nation's Fireworks!? Nothing caps off a beer-and-brats-and-friends-and-family get-together quite like some sparkling red-white-and-blue tried-and-true Colonial General in full regalia!

Election Poll-try!
Election Poll-try! | Source

Of course, if you are an animal lover, you could invite this Patriotic Peacock to come join your back yard cornhole tournament. He'll probably show up a bit dazed and glazed — not because of any early afternoon alcoholic beverages — but because every other year is an election year of one type or another, and this poor fowl regularly gets pushed and tugged to left and to right, and his feathers are just a wee bit frazzled.

Independence Hall, Philadelphia:
Philadelphia City Hall, Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, PA 19106, USA

get directions

Pump up the volume!
Pump up the volume! | Source

For a real humdinger of a holiday, why not pitch your pipes into a rousing medley of Independence Day classics? I'm sure your guests would love your renditions of "Yankee Doodle Dandy', 'The Star-Spangled Banner', 'America', The Halls of Montezuma', and 'Grand Old Flag' (not to mentioned that little ditty you just happened to compose yourself just last year: 'Oh, the Glitzy Grandeur of the Evening's Fireworks Gleaming Off Me Poor Dad's Smooth Bald Pate').

Fuhgeddabouther! | Source

If dusk should settle over the picked-over picnic table, the washtub ice melt around the few remaining domestic beers, the flies find those last few charred ribs congealing in blood and fat, and darkness fall like a deep velvet curtain behind the last few bottle rockets, never fear, your fun's not over. You can still have the joy of driving that bothersome biddy, Ol' Mrs. Berenthwaite, batty! Just crank up the boom box, drag that musty box of leftover M-80s from beneath the garage sink, and tell a few more off-color jokes really loudly right outside the widow's open window!


And, as the Fourth of July creeps up on becoming the Fifth of July, you can nestle in the cinder-flecked backyard grass with your best friend — icon to all that hungry grilling Americans hold dear on such indulgent summer holidays — your beloved leftover Whopper Spaniel (hold the mayo)!


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