Dude with Slight Overbite but Truly Monumental Forehead
I bet, like so many other viewers of televisions’ traditional hour long scripted drama shows, you were probably surprised by the emergence of the early reality show format — as exemplified by such drek as Survivor, Biggest Loser, American Idol, etc. And then you were probably even more taken aback — perhaps even stunned and amazed — by the proliferation of those cheesy and cheap shows into a veritable televisory tsunami of quite questionable presentational merit: Pawn Stars, Flip This House, Pimp My Ride, The Voice, Dancing with The Stars, America’s Got Talent, Project Runway, yada, yada, yada, ad nauseam.
Well, my poor barcalounger-bound, nacho-munching, 2-liter-soda-swilling, glassy-eyed, bulgy-gutted, burned-out family room potato of an airwave receiver, brace yourself for yet another assault on your sensibilities, with the introduction of the latest addition to this vapid and tepid genre: Americans Have Characteristics!
That’s right. It appears that the pool of citizens that actually have a definable talent (?) (no matter how obscure or abstruse or subject to gullible interpretation) has shallowed and is, in fact, running dry for network recruiters. So, to fill up next season’s worthless funnel of broadcast pap, they have had to ‘expand their criteria’ (as their self-serving PR blurbs would have it). It appears that it now no longer matters that you can really DO anything at all. Unh-unh. It is now sufficient that that you simply LOOK LIKE anything at all.
And, to set the tone for the coming fall pilot, those oh-so-talented recruiters have tracked down ‘The Dude With the Slight Overbite, But The Truly Monumental Forehead’, upon which to pin their hopes for a really good share on premier night.
To be fair about it, this Dude’s overbite is not all that slight. He actually holds the Guinness Book of World Records’ title for Natural Dentition Overbite among Caucasoids (with Incisors Intact). But his touted screen title gives due credit to his truly monumental forehead (which always tends to draw one’s eyes away from his prominent upper front teeth — I don’t care who you are).
It is likely that, after a sufficient amount of global phrenological investigation for verification’s sake, this Dude will be awarded a second world record, for the sheer size, scale and scope of his cranium. (There is also a possibility that he might attain a third world record for brim circumference of a mesh Walmart promotional farmer’s cap.)
In an uncanny instance of evolutionary convergence, the Dude’s truly monumental forehead has, over the past several years, begun showing faint delineations of coursing joints. Believe it or not, the emerging stone-like jointing pattern is virtually identical to those reflected in such centuries-old historic structures as the Nile delta’s Egyptian pyramids, Peru’s mountain citadel of Machu Picchu, The Parthenon of Ancient Greece, The Temples of Abu Simbel, and those of the Cambodian temple city of Angkor Wat!
I see the premier of yet another promising reality show on the horizon: The Facial Features of Ordinary Americans I Have Met That Remind Me of Something!
This dude's favorite hangout: Monument Rock
- Osama Bin Burrito, Rice, Hot Tea
Osama Bin Burrito, Rice, Hot Tea Dateline: New York 09:27 EST May 2, 2011 — The news yesterday that a special operation by the United States military had resulted in the death of al-Qaeda leader and revolutionary icon Osama Bin Laden in the small...
- Wowser, the First Dog Ever Transmitted by Morse Code
Wowser, the First Dog Ever Transmitted by Morse Code “Wowser!” Yup. Say it again. “Wowser!” Wowser!, indeed, for here you see the first canine ever transmitted a distance of greater than 100 miles by Morse code. I say forget your G4 with...
- Bucky Fuzzferret, Ace Reporter
Bucky Fuzzferret, Ace Reporter If you should happen to be looking for the best investigative journalist to ever scamper a midtown news beat, then look no further than my pal, Bucky Fuzzferret, Ace Reporter. Throughout his long and...
- Mr. Monkey Man with Plaited Hair
Dude does some serious styling!
- The Stubby Rhino of Iles Glorieuses
If you paid attention at all during middle school courses on geography, ecology or evolution, then you probably know that the massive island nation of...
- Titmouse Snacking
When most people speak of the titmouse, they are referring to a small gray and white foraging bird of the Eastern United States (which to me is just completely crazy,...
- Box-Head Fly in His New Xmas Sweater
Catch him while you can! This particular species of Box-Head Fly is especially useful, as his jaws are sized to fit the hex nuts on many small household appliances and...
- Jack O'Laugher
Hailing from the wee town o Enniskillen in the Northern Irish County of Fermanagh, Jack OLaugher each year brings his hearty Ulster roar to the celebration of...