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Get These Things Out of Me!.... I am so full of stories I think I might explode. I need to write!
"Hi, Dana, great job you're doing. You are a prolific, insightful and interesting writer. There's a book in you waiting to get out, so let it out." That is fan mail I received from a lovely lady that goes by mizjo. Like me, a newbie and a fellow hubnuggets nominee. And I think she might be right. Now if only I could find that darn book in all of this clutter!
I am one of those people that is always thinking. Though if you were to ask me at any one point what I am thinking about, I will most likely say nothing much. Because it is easier to say that than to say everything, or to list the actual things, because you are bound to think I am crazy. There is always something going on in my brain. A snippet of a song playing on a loop, usually one I don't even like. A past conversation. A future conversation. The things I need to do and places I need to go. The things I want to do and places I want to go. It is very passive, yet very tiring. They run on autopilot. Oftentimes several at once. Over and over. I have played a conversation in my head so many times that I actually forgot if I really had it. I think about some things so much it takes more energy than doing the task itself! And now that I have discovered HubPages, I think in hubs!
Yes, I Think in Hubs
I see a story in everything. My pets, myself, the people around me, the things I like, the things I don't, the things I want to share, the things I have to share. I have written a surprisingly popular story about my inbred cat. And a dreadfully unpopular story about the same cat. I have written about my quirks and my struggles. Sometimes with humor and sometimes not. I have given advice and I have shared family recipes.I write about sweet things, and things decidedly not sweet at all. Why do I do this? Because I have to. It's the only way to get the thoughts to stop. When I am writing, the hub that is pouring out of me is all I can think about. And for a while the chatter in my head is at least reduced to a one way conversation between me and my audience. And for a while my head is a little quieter. One less flood of narrative swirling around my brain. One less topic that I feel the incessant need to tackle. One less story that I am burning to share.
I recently posted the question, "How do I write faster?" Not because I want more exposure, or money, or a bigger following. Sure, who wouldn't like those things? It is because I must have dozens of titles and passages and ideas that I have a burning desire to turn into something more. They are eating away at me. If I don't write them they will eat away at me until I die. And I want to share them. This is something new. I have never had the confidence to openly share like this. Even when asked directly by college professors for copies of my papers, I hesitated. I still questioned myself.
Full Speed Ahead
There is no hesitation now. There can't be. I won't survive it. There is still self doubt. I will have a little wave of panic before I hit the publish button. I always do. Because it isn't good enough yet. It needs just a little more work. But the impatient side of me always wins. And I hit the button. Knowing that when I do find those perfect words, I can go back and sneak them in. Otherwise this hub would sit for days feeding that fire that keeps me up even now. Writing when I know I should be on my way to bed. So I can get up early for that temp job I just took to take to pay the bills. I feel like it is stifling my creativity daily. It's only three months. I hope I live. Even when I am commended my head only swells for a moment. And then I come back to Earth. I still have along way to go until I get to where I want to be. With my writing and as a writer. To be as good as those that I admire in so many ways for their skill and for their integrity alike. I suck up every bit of advice I get from those wonderfully supportive members of the hubpages community that take time to share their thoughts and advice and encouragement. I hope you know who you are. If I had the time toninght I would thank each one of you, like one of my favorite hubbers does quite regularly. But there is that pesky job and I need that silly sleep.
So, am I destined to be a writer? Or am I just crazy?
So what does this all mean? Obsessively thinking in narrative prose, or poetry, or just a perfectly formed passage or idea. The need to write so urgently when the thoughts come that I want to scream if I can't frantically get them down. I have never been so excited about something before. Not my scholarships or degree. No jobs or bonuses. No hobbies. Am I crazy? Is this just a manic spree that will come to an end just as abruptly as it started? Or is this real? Have I finally answered the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I never did have an answer to that. I didn't really want to be anything. I just knew what i liked to do. I liked to learn and to teach and to read and to write. And that is what I hope I am learning to do in this big little world of hubpages.
So let's continue on with the theory that I am not crazy. That I really am meant to be a writer. And what I am experiencing now is not pure mania but the euphoria of someone that has finally found themself. Now what? Do I hide on hubpages indefinitely? Will I ever be ready to leave this big little world for the enormous universe beyond it? Could I turn this into a job,a career? I hope so. And I plan to. I am trying to get my ducks in a row. As I say in my profile, I am low tech and don't own an i-anything. This world of websites I must create and those I must join is all new to me. As is the art of self promotion. Something I am easing my way into more comfortably than I thought possible. It is all very daunting. But I am determined. I will find a way to make this work! It is about time that I succeeded at something and made something of myself. And if I can make a few bucks that won't be so bad too. And if the passion ever begins to fade, a completely foreign idea a the moment, I will read this hub in hopes of rekindling that fire that is burning inside of me. Now let's hope I find that book!