The Look - she's a bitch!

I can go from zero to bitch in 0.05 seconds. And sometimes back to sweetheart just as quickly. I was born this way. My mother tells me that when I was very young, people commented that I looked like the little girl in the movie Firestarter. Useful if you are lost in the woods with no matches. But pretty much useless otherwise.

So what turns me into a supersonic bitch? Let's just say that my emotions have an itchy trigger finger. And they are just as fickle as they are quick. I could list the things that trigger my wrath, but I would be listing for days. Car horns. Bad music. Bad drivers. Strong wind. Ringing phones. Dumb people. Rude people. Overly nice people. Old people. Teenagers. Loud chewers. Repeated sneezers.

Horrible and insensitive you say? Absolutley. I know that I have been or will be guilty as charged for violating most of those listed offenses, and many unlisted. That doesn't make me hate them any less. No one, or thing, is safe.

Apparently my rage has a look. Or looks. One look I give. The other look I have.

The look I have is the way I look when in one of my prolonged states of bitchiness. I do not need to see it to know its not pretty. But I have caught a glimpse of her in a mirror. And I scared even myself. Have you ever been walking down the aisle in the grocery store and have a shopper half way down the aisle apologize and move out of the way as if Satan himself was approaching? Have you ever unloaded your groceries from your cart in such a way that the cashier fumbles your items and avoids eye contact? When able, I try to put the person at ease by un-tensing my muscles, smiling, and saying hello. Its is amazing how much more attractive you become just by relaxing your face.

And what about that look that I give? I shoot this look with the speed and precision of a sniper's bullet. One glance and ice bursts into flame. Mortals turn to pillars of stone or bumbling fools. What does it look like? I have no idea. I have never seen it. I can't even show it to you unless you are brave enough to incur my wrath. It is completely involuntary and lighting quick. And just as unpredictable. Anyone or anything can be caught in its crosshairs. I only know it exists by the reaction it gets.

One day the fax machine rang at what my mind thought was too soon since the last ring. I turned and shot the look. Like a ninja with a throwing star. The next thing I heard was my cowoker saying "Boy am I glad I am not that fax machine. If looks could kill it would be dead."

Another time that stands out was when a particularly terrfying glance was bestowed upon a college friend of mine. I have not the slightest recollection of what the offense was. But to this day I recall the reaction. Like a deer in headlights, Then silence. A while after, he told me that I was so scary that he was afraid to talk to me for a week. I felt awful. And then we laughed about it.

I really am a sweet person. Caring. Trustworthy. Honest. Generous. All of these almost to a fault. There is just that tiny part of me that might go on a rampage at any moment, for the tiniest reason, flinging bullets like a crazed shooter from a belltower. I have tried to disarm her. To lock her away. But she always manages to get out. Don't try to avoid her. You can't. There is no logic to what will cause the next strike. And God oh God please don't walk on eggshells. She can sense weakness. And she will cut you down mercilessly like the weakest member of the pack.

So to all of those cashiers and coworkers I have made uneasy. The shoppers I have wanted to run down with my cart. The drivers whose back seat I have practically driven into. And all of the other victims, past present and future.....

I am sorry. It's not me. It's her. And she's a bitch!