Moving to Coolville: Useful Tips

A big truck pulls up in front of your house. Wow! Burly friendly men carefully pack up all your stuff, load it, and drive away. It's either moving day or a Sheriff's Sale. Hopefully you've been promoted to Vice President and you're moving to corporate headquarters as your career skyrockets. Perhaps your investments in the the family chinchilla farm didn't quite work out. Either way, moving to Coolville, Ohio, is in your future. Congratulations, but be prepared. Certainly this is a big move and you wouldn't want to do something foolish like hang a University of Michigan flag from your clothesline.

Here are just some of the crucially useful tips for moving to Coolville. We're here to help.

Local universities include The Ohio State University and The Ohio University. The former school is in Columbus and the latter resides in Athens. Graduates from both fine public institutions will probably live across the street from you and up the street and down the street and in the cardboard boxes down by the Hocking River. You can't escape them. Expect to be asked 'do you want to supersize that order?' by both Buckeyes and Bobcats.

On order to assimilate, get a hat. Get an OSU hat and an OU hat. Buckeye hats are scarlet and gray. Bobcat hats are green and white. Don't worry about matching your outfit: just pop on the hat and head off to the Coolville Public Library to check out the latest copy of USA Today. No one will challenge you.

Of course, daily incidentals can always be picked up at the Cool Stop Truck Stop (25780 Ohio State Route 7), but you will need to venture a little farther to obtain serious groceries. By serious groceries we mean anything that will spoil without refrigeration. An easy 14-mile drive to the east on the James A Rhodes Appalachian Highway brings you to Parkersburg, West Virginia, where retail groceries abound. There's a Kroger and a Foodland. Expect no problems traversing the border between Ohio and West Virginia: several sturdy bridges are open 24 hours a day with no checkpoints as of this writing.

Alternatively, head west for 24 miles: Athens has a Taco Bell.

Fishing is the 4th most popular activity within the Coolville Village boundaries. Don't expect to amble down to the Cool Stop Truck Stop for a 40 ounce Diet Pepsi and a bag of pork rinds without having prepared several fishing stories to share with your new-found friends. You will be left out of the 5-Hour Energy Crew. Plan to catch catfish, sunfish, bass, and a bad case of poison ivy if you don't pay attention where you launch your boat. You do have a boat, don't you?

Coolville, being no different than any other Southern Ohio town, except the the cool name, has numerous species of insects. Many creepy crawlers thrive in warm moist vegetation and don't care to bother you. Others may be more aggressive. Gnats are oppressive, ticks are disgusting, and butterflies will drive you mad if that sort of thing doesn't appeal to you.

Swing by the Zanesville Home Depot (3787 Home Depot Drive: easy to remember) to stock up on bug sprays, foggers, traps, and assorted chemical contrivances approved by the FDA. Your buggy intruders will never know what hit them. It is possible to live a mostly bug-free life in Coolville, except for the ones installed by Homeland Security.

Stroud's Run State Park and the Fourmile creek boat ramp host many muskrat families. They build scrupulously clean burrows and nests and lodges along the shoreline. Low-lying swampy areas appeal to them. These medium-sized furry beasts won't bother you. Simply ignore them: you won't hurt their feelings. They will not attack unless provoked and unless you're a fur trapper you have no reason to annoy them.

At precisely 26461 Main Street can be found the Coolville Elementary School. It's still there. If you have kids and you live in the village, enroll them here. Plan to attend Parent's Day if you indeed are a parent: otherwise your presence would be creepy. Coolville hosts no other public schools: look to to Federal Hocking High School in Stewart, Ohio for additional learning opportunities. Don't plan to make your kids walk to 'Fed Hock', but it is a short 9.1 mile drive up Ohio Rt 144. A car or a bus ride would be appropriate.