The Morning Conversations of Barack & Michelle Obama #34

A fictional (and satirical) account of the private morning conversations of Barack & Michelle Obama by Dexter Yarbrough. Number 34 in the series.

(In the White House Kitchen)

Michelle: What are you having for breakfast this morning?

Barack: I think I will have oatmeal with apples and raisins.

Michelle: Good! That's what I told Tyrone to get for you!

Barack: Are you a mind reader?

Michelle: Nope! A wife. Guess who is back in town?

Barack: Oh, no!

Michelle: Yes! Leroy is in from Chicago!

(Leroy enters the White House kitchen)

Leroy: Surprise!

Barack: Yuck!

Leroy: It is good to see you too, Mr. Prez!

Barack: Why do you come here so often? Here I am, the leader of the free world, and I can't keep you out of the White House!

Michelle: Stop it, Barack! You know Leroy is my friend! He is here at my invitation!

Leroy: Thanks, Michelle! The Prez is looking a little uptight. You guys need to have "relations!"

Michelle: Leroy!!!

Leroy: What?! I mean, with all the talk about same "relations" relationships, I was wondering if it was still legal for a man and woman to have "relations!"

Barack: My "relations" is none of your business, Leroy!

Leroy: Hmmm, I wonder what you are doing when the Secret Service has their backs turned?!

(Michelle laughs)

Barack: See, Michelle! This is why we argue. He always says the wrong thing!

Michelle: Stop it! Both of you!

Leroy: C'mon! You guys have the most "relations" less relationship there is as far the public knows! Have you ever "done it" on Air Force One? How about in the Oval Office with a head of state waiting right outside the door? What about in the Rose Garden?

Michelle: No! We are very private when it comes to "relations."

Barack: That's right!

Leroy: You know, we Americans are a bunch of hypocrites! Half-dressed women and men are on billboards, in magazines and on TV everyday. And don't let me start on the porn industry. Yet, people in public life (outside of Hollywood) are frowned upon for a normal, healthy activity!

Barack: Can we change the subject, please?

Leroy: Oh, you can talk about same-"relations" marriage, but not hetero-"relations!"

Michelle: Why are you so interested in what we do or don't do?

Leroy: Because you are big time liberals! Look at FDR, JFK and LBJ! Those dudes knew "relations!" Ha ha ha!! And Clinton! That guy's pheromones heated up if a woman within 100 feet sneezed!

Michelle: Ha ha ha ha!!!!

Barack: (chuckles) So what are you saying? Conservatives don't have "relations?"

Leroy: Of course not! I mean, you can imagine FDR in his wheelchair! And you can hear JFK in that Boston accent. "It'll be our secret, honey. I don't want Bobby and J. Edgar to find out!"

Michelle: Oh, my goodness! Ha ha ha!!!

Leroy: And LBJ with that southern drawl! "Her hot pants were so tight, if she farted, she'd blow her boots off! Better'n cornpone!"

Barack: You are too much!

Leroy: And Clinton. "Sorry, Hilary. I don't know what got into me, but her backside was slicker than a harpooned hippo on a banana tree."

Michelle: I am so glad that no one else can hear what is going on in here! The American people would be stunned!

Leroy: Yeah, right! But this is what I mean. People expect "relations" in a liberal White House. Those other guys were "relations" less. They got off on war! Can you imagine Nixon having "relations?"

Barack: He was married to Pat.

Leroy: No! He was married to Ehrlichman and Haldeman - and those tapes!

Michelle: What?

Barack: What about Ford?

Leroy: Nope! No "relations!" That's why Betty had to go to that clinic!

Barack: That is not funny!

Michelle: Yeah, it is! Ha ha ha ha!!

Leroy: And you know Reagan didn't.

Barack: How do you know?

Leroy: Cause he was more interested in Star Wars, breaking down walls, secret wars in Central America and riding horses.

Michelle: And?

Leroy: And that's why Nancy sought out psychics and astrologers! She wanted to know if The Gipper could "rise" to the occasion!

Barack: Now, that is funny! Ha ha ha!!

Leroy: That's where the slogan, "Just Say No," came from! Not to drugs, but to "relations!"

Michelle: (Almost falls out of her chair laughing)

Barack: Well obviously George Bush the father had "relations" with Barbara.

Leroy: Uh, excuse me! That woman has looked like his white-haired grandmother since she was 18 years old! She is an alien that has kept him "relations" less for years. She's from the planet KNOT. On that planet, children materialize out of thin air. They are not birthed like on our planet. Yeah, he was into voodoo economics and the War in Kuwait. Do people even have "relations" in Maine?

Barack: You are getting to be ridiculous!

Michelle: (Still chuckling)

Barack: I'll bite. What about George Bush the son and Laura?

Leroy: Well, you know whiskey and cocaine dulls the senses in (looking down) that area. Again, his focus was on war. No time for "relations." Not even alien "relations" from the planet KNOT.

Michelle: What is alien "relations" from the planet KNOT?

Leroy: They bury their head in the sand. To us humans it seems as if they have no inkling as to what is happening around them. To them, it is an extreme, mindless, orgasmic experience!

Barack: Oh, no!

Leroy: And Laura is from the planet NUN. No "relations" on that planet. They just look doe-eyed and agree with everyone around them - from the planet KNOT.

Michelle: Leroy, you need to be institutionalized right away!

Leroy: So, that brings me back to you and the Prez! How do you want to be seen? The first black FLOTUS and the first black POTUS. I mean half-black POTUS! Ha ha ha!!!

Barack: There we go with the funnies again.

Leroy: I'm trying to get you to be more active with your "funnies!" You make us black guys look bad. No out-of -wedlock children! No multiple women in the same neighborhood! No scandals exposing you as "my baby's daddy!" What the hell is wrong with you?!

Michelle: Leroy, it is about time for you to go!

Barack: My presidency is going to be about job growth, reducing spending, bringing the troops home and college education.

Leroy: FDR got the nation going again with his New Deal, LBJ with his Great Society programs and Clinton gave this country one of its best economic times as well as a surplus. See, all this was happening while they were having lots and lots of "relations."

Barack: Oh, really?

Leroy: Yeah, and if Romney wins, this nation and the world will experience prosperity like it has never known!

Barack: And why is that?

Leroy: Well, many, many years ago on one of the trillions of planets somewhere in the galaxy, a spirit child was born to a god and one of his wives...

Michelle: We can stop with this! I am curious to know why you haven't mentioned Carter?

Leroy: Because he reminds me so much of Barack!

Barack: Huh?

Leroy: The romance was great! The kissing was really good! But when it was time to perform, ultimate failure.

Michelle: You mean with his wife?

Leroy: No silly, with the country!

Barack: Get out, Leroy! Secret Service!

Leroy: Get some "relations" up in here!

(Secret Service grabs Leroy and escorts him out)

Leroy: Get your hands off me! Call me, Michelle!!

Copyright © 2012. Dexter Yarbrough. All Rights Reserved.