The Morning Conversations of Barack and Michelle Obama #32

A fictional (and satirical) account of the private morning conversations of Barack & Michelle Obama by Dexter Yarbrough. Number 32 in the series.

(In the White House Kitchen)

Michelle: So what are you having this morning?

Barack: And good morning to you as well! You have been upset with me for weeks now. When are we going to talk about it?

Michelle: When you learn to listen to common sense and not your handlers, the media and others that have a negative agenda.

Barack: Tyrone! How are you this morning? How about blueberry pancakes? Oh, and those Chicago butter cookies are to die for! Thanks for making them.

Tyrone (The White House Chef): Blueberry pancakes coming up! And thank you. Glad you enjoyed them. Anything for you, Mrs. Obama?

Michelle: I will just have coffee, thanks. I don't want Rush Limbaugh criticizing me for eating breakfast.

Tyrone: Yes, Ma'am.

Barack: I think I know what this is about.

Michelle: Oh really? Have you been watching episodes of Long Island Medium on TLC (The Learning Channel)?

Barack: She hears from the dead.

Michelle: Good! We can start with Trayvon Martin.

Barack: Yep. Just what I thought. I have a question? Why do you get all mad at me and then want to discuss this stuff weeks later? How is that fair?

Michelle: I am a woman, Barack! That's my prerogative!

Barack: I used to like that song! Bobby Brown sang it in the late 80's! Before Whitney, you know.

Michelle: Can we be serious now?

Barack: Alright.

Michelle: There is an old saying that my mother used to say to me, "Don't put your mouth in motion before you put your mind in gear."

Barack: And?

Michelle: Respect yourself! Why are you sticking your neck, mouth and big ears into local issues? The state of Florida and its localities can handle their own issues. Have you not heard of the 10th Amendment, Mr. Law School Professor?

Barack: I was asked at a press conference to comment on the case.

Michelle: Yes! And you should have said "The local authorities are more than capable of handling the case. My sympathies go out to the Martin family." That is what you should have said! Whatever possessed you to say "...if I had a son he'd look like Trayvon...."?

Barack: Well, I was trying to be sympathetic, Michelle.

Michelle: (Hands on hip, eyes rolling) See, you just made me go there! Niggah, please! Black kids are killing each other all over this country. Where is your sympathy for them? Chicago had 40 plus shootings a couple of weekends ago? Where was your sympathy? You are the President of the United States. Not to mention a black man - or at least half-black! If you sympathize for one, you have to sympathize for all!

Barack: The country needs a president that can empathize with its people.

Michelle: Bullshit, Barack! My mother also used to say "Don't let your mouth write a check that your behind can't cover!" You gave your enemies ammunition to use against you. And I am going to be real with you! Your "friends" like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, wait with the patience of hyenas for a chance to lead a march and protest because it lines their pockets! Yeah, I wouldn't say this to anyone but you, but it's true! How can you lead a protest march and then appear unbiased on your TV news show?

Barack: But if I had a son...

Michelle: If you had a son he would be at home with his parents or out on a date or playing video games. Not wandering around a strange neighborhood!

Barack: That's not fair Michelle!

Michelle: Fair! Would you let one of our daughters date a Trayvon Martin? Hell no!

Barack: Well...

Michelle: Well is for water! Fair? How about those stupid comments you said to shock the Supreme Court justices about your health care law? Again, Mr. Law Professor, have you heard of the system of checks and balances? How about judicial independence? Are you nuts? How dare you make comments and talk about "judicial activism" when the court is in session? And with the Mexican President and Canadian Prime Minister standing with you?!

Barack: Tyrone! I would surely like those pancakes right about now!

Michelle: You wanted to know why I am upset. Now you know!

Barack: Sometimes I wonder if you are really a liberal or a closet conservative!

Michelle: You just earned another "Niggah please!" I am a black woman that is trying to keep her husband from ending up as a loser in the history of US Presidents. George Bush the second and Andrew Johnson are not the best company to be in this regard!

Barack: But I'm...

Michelle: And as long as you have known me, you know I tell it like it is! Black people don't have the luxury of being liberals or conservatives. We have enough problems just being black. We don't need the extra labels. Plus we don't fit into them anyway. We are conservative in Christian values on Sunday and liberal in social values the other six days of the week!

Barack: Alright, Michelle. What now?

Michelle: Gosh! I wish we still had Bill Daley around! Focus on getting re-elected! You aren't as popular as you were back in 2008, Barack! Black folks are hurting, dude, and white folks ain't happy either. Maybe your good looks are fading! Respect yourself!

Barack: And?

Michelle: With high-ass gas prices and high-ass unemployment, you are not a shoo-in! You and Mitt Romney are similar in many ways. It may be just as easy for some to vote for him. Stop getting involved in local issues and focus on the finish line. Don't let the liberal media and these professional civil rights protesters lure you in. Jesse Jackson ought to be ashamed of himself. He won't open his mouth when black boys get shot on the south side of Chicago, but starts speaking incoherently when one gets shot in Florida - under suspicious circumstances where all the facts still aren't in yet.

Barack: I see your points.

Michelle: Good! And stay out of the Supreme Court's business or you will appear before a court - as a defendant!

Barack: Now, will you do me a favor?

Michelle: What? By the way, your face looks worse than the Bulls players who lost that game to the Knicks on Sunday! Pitiful! Just remember, the Bulls are on top as well. But they may fall flat on their fine ass butts if they don't start playing better! Ha ha ha!!

Barack: Thanks for pointing out my pitiful face. Anyway, please stop waiting for weeks to talk to me about things that are bothering you. Using the "I am a woman" excuse is played out. It does me no good to discuss these things weeks after the fact. Let's deal with it then. OK?

Michelle: You are right. I'm not perfect either and I need to work on my communication, I know.

(Tyrone enters)

Tyrone: Mr. President, your breakfast.

Barack: What took you so long?

Tyrone: My mother used to always tell me to stay out of the room when a husband and wife are in a spirited discussion.

Barack: Really? What else did your mother tell you?

Tyrone: "Don't put your mouth in motion before you put your mind in gear" and "Don't let your mouth write a check that your behind can't cover!"

Barack: Damn! Did you and Michelle have the same mother, or what?

Michelle: Focus on the message of the sayings, Barack! The message! Respect Yourself!

Copyright © 2012. Dexter Yarbrough.