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The Morning Conversations of Barack and Michelle Obama #30

Updated on November 6, 2012

January 21, 2012 - Papa Was A Rolling Stone

A fictional (and satirical) account of the private morning conversations of Barack & Michelle Obama by Dexter Yarbrough. Number 30 in the series.

(In the White House Kitchen)

Michelle: Barack! Why do you have me up at 2AM!

Barack: He requested to see me before the South Carolina Primary.

Michelle: And you agreed! What is wrong with you? You must really want the "angry black woman" to come out of me!

Barack: I just need you to entertain his wife while we have an early breakfast.

Michelle: Which wife? I've lost count!

(While House aide enters the kitchen)

White House Aide: Mr. President, Speaker Gingrich and his wife are in the Blue Room.

Barack: OK. Thank you. Michelle, he asked for a private meeting and I said OK. The only way we could pull it off is to meet at this time. He is flying back as soon as we are done. Tyrone is preparing our meal. If you could just take her on a tour, like you did with Cain's wife, I would appreciate it. (kisses Michelle)

Michelle: You owe me for this one! What is his wife's name, anyway?

White House Aide: Callista - Callista Gingrich, Mrs. Obama.

Michelle: Alright. Let's get this over with!

(Entering the White House Blue Room)

Barack: Mr. Speaker, Mrs. Gingrich! Good to see you. My wife, Michelle. (hand shakes all around)

Newt: Hello, Mr. President. Mrs. Obama.

Callista: It is a pleasure to meet you both.

Newt: Thank you for agreeing to see me. I know it's early. I hope you're not "angry," Mrs. Obama! Ha ha ha! By the way, you look mighty good in that dress! (Callista nudges Newt)

Michelle: No, Mr. Speaker. I'm not angry. I enjoy being up early to visit with pompous...

Barack: (interrupts) Mr. Speaker, right this way (Michelle looks at Barack then Newt with a death stare). I hope you don't mind visiting in the White House Kitchen.

White House Aide: Mrs. Gingrich, right this way. Mrs. Obama has planned a nice tour for you.

(Walking away, Barack turns and looks at Michelle. Michelle turns and looks at Barack - then gives him the middle finger)

Chef Tyrone
Chef Tyrone

(In the White House Kitchen)

Tyrone: Good morning, Mr. President. Good Morning, Mr. Speaker.

Barack: Mr. Speaker, let me introduce you to the White House Chef, Tyrone.

Newt: Boy, I could eat a horse!

(Barack and Tyrone look at each other - then Newt)

Newt: Oh, I forgot I was talking to a couple of African-Americans! I meant "boy" I am hungry, not "boy," "boy!"

Tyrone: It's OK, Mr Speaker. Can I interest you in a serving of chicken and waffles. It's a specialty from your part of the country.

Newt: Boy, oops, I mean "man", you know what I like!

Barack: I will have that as well, Tyrone and thanks.

Tyrone: Yes, sir.

(Tyrone leaves to prepare the meal)

Barack: So, why are you here just hours before the primary?

Newt: Mr. President, I've got this thing locked down. The American people fumbled the ball in electing you. I'm going to be their new quarterback. You can bet your sweet ass on that one.

Barack: Well, Mr. Speaker, first off, I'm not Juan Williams. You may have managed to make him look bad, but it won't happen with me. Secondly, playing the race card and calling me the "food stamp president" is only energizing my base.

Newt: I'm just tellin' it like it is.

(Tyrone returns with the meal)

Newt: Boy, I mean, this sure does look good!

(Tyrone gives Barack a "what-the-hell-is-up-wit-dis-white-dude" look and then leaves)

Barack: Mr. Speaker, you have been out of office for 13 years. Many in your party pressured you to leave Congress. What makes you think you can beat me?

Newt: I've got ideas and I want this country to return to what it once was.

Barack: What period of time should that be? Jim Crow or before?

Newt: Mr. President, I know what you are trying to say. I am not a racist. I love all people and I love my family!

Barack: Yeah, Mr. Speaker, it seems you've got a lot of love to go around! I'm sure the female voters of this country won't forget! You change wives like a truck driver changes oil!

Newt: Your people have made great gains under us Republicans! Under your administration, the black middle class has suffered!

Barack: Great gains?!

Newt: Yeah, you know! "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps." Separate - but equal schools! Purple Cadillac's! Our God!

Barack: What?!

Newt: Just think, you worked yourself up from animals and sticks and stones to worshiping "our" God.

Barack: What?! So you're saying God is white?

Newt: Yeah, isn't He? His name sure ain't Allah!

Barack: Is your name "Newt" or "Neutered?"

Newt: Huh?

Barack: Mr. Speaker, if you are the nominee I am going to whup your butt like your daddy should have!

Newt: I'm going to ignore that remark! Whooee! These chicken and waffles sho' is good! You sucked that bone dry, Mr. President. Your people sure know sumthin' 'bout chicken!

Barack: (smiles) Oh, and do you plan on cheating the American people like you have on at least two of your wives? Plan on having an "open" administration, like the "open" marriage your second wife says you wanted?

Newt: In what country were you born? Kenya?

Barack: At least I know who my daddy is! Do you?

Newt: Of course!

Barack: Well, I guess you should! Your real daddy left your mother. Like father, like son!

Newt: How dare you! Yo' daddy hair so nappy even Moses couldn't part it!

Barack: Yo' daddy so bald, when I rub his head I can see the future!

Newt: Yo' daddy so old Jesus signed his yearbook!

Barack: Yo' daddy so bald, when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom!

Newt: Yo' daddy so poor he went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway!

(Michelle Obama and Callista Gingrich stand in doorway to White House Kitchen)

Michelle: Can you believe those two? Telling "daddy" jokes!

Callista: Two very important men acting like children!

Michelle: What should we do?

Callista: I have to be careful! He may turn me in for a new model!

Michelle: I know! I'll call Hilary Clinton and you call Condi Rice!

Callista: Great idea, Mrs Obama! After 43 male presidents, slavery, multiple wars, Great Depressions and Monday Night Football, it's time to bring some dignity and common sense to the White House and this country!

Michelle: Girl, I like you. How 'bout some chicken and waffles?

Callista: Who's your daddy?

(Michelle and Callista laugh)

Michelle: Tyrone! Chicken and waffles for the ladies! And get those "boys" out of the kitchen!

Stay Tuned for More 'Morning Conversations...' with Barack & Michelle Obama, next time!

Copyright 2012 - Dexter Yarbrough


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    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi KD! I am so glad you enjoyed it. Please come back for more!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Janine! Welcome to the series and thank you! I am so appreciative that you enjoyed it and will share with others! Thank you, thank you!

    • profile image

      KDuBarry03 5 years ago

      This is just outstandingly funny! Couldn't stop laughing! Well done, Dexter!

      -KD

    • Janine Huldie profile image

      Janine Huldie 5 years ago from New York, New York

      Talk about addicting. I can't get enough and will totally be reading more of these as I have time to catch. Very funny and thank you so much for the much needed laugh. Voted up and shared too.

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Jo! It makes me feel good to know you enjoyed it! Thanks!

    • Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

      Jo_Goldsmith11 5 years ago

      OMG! I can't stop laughing! I am so glad *eye of Newt * will not be watching over this country. And to have a first lady that looks like she could *freeze her enemies with those eyes of hers*. Loved this!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Ghost! This was very fun to write. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

    • profile image

      Ghost32 5 years ago

      "You change wives like a truck driver changes oil." Awesome line. And I do have to agree with Michelle; Newt is a pompous....

      Of course, I've had 6 divorces myself. But then I again, I do know better than to run for President with a record like that.

      But the "Yo Daddy" contest takes the cake. I can SEE those two getting into it!

      Voted Up as Always.

    • bethperry profile image

      Beth Perry 5 years ago from Tennesee

      Alright! :)

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Beth! Ok, I hear you. I have been sitting on this one! I will get it done - just for you! (Thank you) :-)

    • bethperry profile image

      Beth Perry 5 years ago from Tennesee

      Dex, just to let you know..I'm patiently waiting for a Barack-invites-Mitt-over-to-dunk-a-few or a Michelle & Callista exchange beauty tips story. No pressure, of course, just hint, hint, hint... :)

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      I understand!

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      i may do that... lots of hubs comin at me!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi PDX! I hope you will come back and read more! Thanks!

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      My first time reading this series, Dexter. very creative!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Momma! Thank you so very much!

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      Yo Momma loves yo daddy jokes... oh my! This one was especially funny, son!

      Voted UP & FAB! Love, mar.

    • AEvans profile image

      Julianna 5 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

      I am looking forward to reading the next one! Happy Valentine's day! :)

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi AEvans! Your comments have started me off on a great day. Thank you!

    • AEvans profile image

      Julianna 5 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

      Everytime I read and share these hubs, I forget to comment. I find them comical and witty. Yo'Daddy, lololo! You should really place this series in a book, it is wonderful! Thumbs Up! :)

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Travel! I know! Thanks for reading!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Thanks, Albert! I appreciate you reading it!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Mos! Yep! Agreed! Thanks!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Sooner! Thank you!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Thank you so much, JT!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Satice! You were missed. Glad you are back...and thanks!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Ytsenoh! Thank you so much for the kind words!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi b.Malin! Thank you so very much!

    • travel-O-grapher profile image

      travel-O-grapher 5 years ago from Dhaka, Bangladesh

      hahaha... that was fun... seeing the otherside of the obama facade! had a good laugh

    • profile image

      albertsj 5 years ago

      Classic! Awesome & fun! Voted up & funny

    • MosLadder profile image

      Chris Montgomery 5 years ago from Irvine, CA

      But seriously, it's a sad world when the Newt, Mits and creepy Perry are all serious contenders for the most powerful seat in the oval office-regardless of your politics.

    • profile image

      Sooner28 5 years ago

      Funny!

    • JT Walters profile image

      JT Walters 5 years ago from Florida

      I love these stories. The Yo Daddy jokes were the funniest. Awesome as always Dex!!

      JT

    • profile image

      Satice James 5 years ago

      I loved this one, Dexter! As always my laughter bowled me over. Loved the way Newt and Barack went at each other with the Dozens. I've been away a while and I was hoping you would keep putting out this series and I wasn't disappointed! Glad to return on such a high hope! Will return to read more!

    • ytsenoh profile image

      Cathy 5 years ago from Louisiana, Idaho, Kauai, Nebraska, South Dakota, Missouri

      Dexter, this was so funny and amusing. Your creativity and imagination are simply awesome. I love your title. So creative! Thumbs up.

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 5 years ago

      You've outdone yourself this time in the Laugh department Dexter. I could just see these conversations and the four of them talking! Very, Very Realistic...Loved it, and Voted This Morning Conversation UP and so Funny!

      Oh, and Thanks for the "Temptations" Video, saw them once in Person, they were great!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Beth! You have just given me a great idea to run with! :-) Thanks!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Mckbirdbks! The political landscape is indeed gloomy! Agreed!

    • bethperry profile image

      Beth Perry 5 years ago from Tennesee

      LOL Dex, are you sure this isn't the prologue for a planned Ménage a Trois story? I just get that feeling... ;)

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 5 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      This morning I am thinking the vote would go your way. Your series adds political humor to a fairly gloomy landscape.

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Mckbirdbks! Thanks so much for the wonderful compliment! Hey, not bad for the second best series on HP, huh? :-)

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 5 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Dexter. You keep hitting them out of the park. I am surprised that this series of yours has not been syndicated throughout the U.S. This is good enough to bring back Radio Broadcasting.

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Eiddwen! Thank you so much! If you do get a chance to check out the earlier ones, I hope they provide you with just as much enjoyment as the more recent.

      Thanks for your continued support!

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 5 years ago from Wales

      I am so glad Dexter that I have given up on catching up with all the hubs in this series and just decided to follow from the last few.

      I am now able to enjoy each one as you publish and maybe one day I will go way back and read some more of the earlier ones.

      These are all amazing and here hopefully to so many more to come.

      Take care my dear friend and have a wonderful weekend.

      Eddy.

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Thank you, Moonlake! I am so happy you enjoyed it!

    • moonlake profile image

      moonlake 5 years ago from America

      Funny,hub. Like reading your White House Hubs.

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Sueswan! Thank YOU for continuing to be a faithful reader!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Rosemay! Thank you. It really is fun making this stuff up!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Jim! Thank you so much! I have a great deal of competition from people like you so I have to up my game! Ha ha ha!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Thank you, Katrine! I really appreciate your kind remarks!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi BP! Now You are the funny one! Thank you so much! Oh, and I agree!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Flora! You are so, so right! Thanks!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Thank you, Sherry! :-)

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Always Exploring! Archie Bunker is one of my top TV characters. No one can come close! Thank you so much!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      I will keep them coming, Cat on a soapbox! Thank you!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Dahoglund! I couldn't agree more, sir!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Thank you, Cardisa! I appreciate you so much!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Rebecca! Thanks. I hope you will check out more of the "conversations" in my series!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Thank you, Dr. BJ! I appreciate your kindness!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Molometer! Do they serve Chicken 'n Waffles in your neck of the woods? Thanks for reading! :-)

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi American View! I try to deliver a taste of the humor while admiring your search for the truth! Thanks!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Thanks, Will! I always appreciate your comments!

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image
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      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Sunshine! Thank you so very much!

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      Sueswan 5 years ago

      Hi Dexter!

      I can just picture Michelle giving the President the finger.

      Love the Yo' daddy jokes

      Thank you for the belly laughs.

      Voted up up and away!

    • Rosemay50 profile image

      Rosemary Sadler 5 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

      I love to read these conversations. Those daddy jokes crack me up. Michelle's attitude is so cool.

      Voted up

    • TheManWithNoPants profile image

      TheManWithNoPants 5 years ago from Tucson, Az.

      Beautiful man. I love the "yo daddy's so" .. Remember the old "dozen's game?"

      Actually it's kind of a microcosim of politics in America! Good job my friend! Loved it!

      jim

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      KatrineDalMonte 5 years ago

      Hi Dex, this is cool! Everyone should read your funny hubs to cheer up! Keep up the good work :-)

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 5 years ago

      For me the burning question is..what's wrong with Callista's hair. It doesn't move and it scares me!!! Up funny and oh so awesome, Dex.

    • FloraBreenRobison profile image

      FloraBreenRobison 5 years ago

      I've been watching all the news clips about Newt and his so called family values. Contradictions everywhere. Scary field of candidates there is. This was very funny, but like the movie Network, not that far off the truth either.

    • Sherry Hewins profile image

      Sherry Hewins 5 years ago from Sierra Foothills, CA

      Funny! Voted up!

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

      This has got to be your best ever..HaHa..Archie Bunker, so funny..I love this series..Thank you..Cheers

    • cat on a soapbox profile image

      Catherine Tally 5 years ago from Los Angeles

      Keep em coming- I'm getting addicted!

    • dahoglund profile image

      Don A. Hoglund 5 years ago from Wisconsin Rapids

      At least we get some entertainment out of the administration.

    • Cardisa profile image

      Carolee Samuda 5 years ago from Jamaica

      Hey Dexter, the daddy jokes!? Hilarious! This was classic!

    • rebeccamealey profile image

      Rebecca Mealey 5 years ago from Northeastern Georgia, USA

      How clever! A fictional conversation between President and First Lady! Boy, I mean Man that is funny!

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      The best 'conversation' so far, Dex.

      Can hardly wait for the next.

    • molometer profile image

      molometer 5 years ago from United Kingdom

      Chicken & Waffles and a side order of temptations and Archie Bunker lol Nice One Dexter.

    • American View profile image

      American View 5 years ago from Plano, Texas

      Dex,

      You shoot and score. You never let us down with these, the keep getting better. Up Awesome and all the rest.

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Another witty winner!

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Yo' Daddy!! Hahaha! Dex your wonderful wit makes me lmao!! Michelle's 'tude just keeps getting better!! Voted across the board!!:)