love's eyes

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  1. profile image45
    schoolboy7posted 8 years ago

    pounding rain.purple skies.crimson moon.hateful eyes.screaming people.a multitude.pawing.clawing.trying 2 get a bite of food so small u need xtra sight.
    this is what i see when i look 4 my people.
    this is what i see in the eyes of the child.
    this is what i see.
    heartache.despair.bodies piled high.heaven in mourning as it hears the cries of man.
    no one 2 care.no one 2 see.no one 2 repent.no one 2 ask 4giveness 4 the sins of society.
    this is what i see.
    the blind cutting off their ears so they can b deaf.people pulling out each others tongue.mothers in mercy smothering their young.
    this is what i see.
    i am the eyes of the blind.
    i am the ears of the deaf.
    i am the voice of those who can not speak.
    i am...love,and this is what i see.

                                        -mark e.schoolfield

    1. Daniel Carter profile image74
      Daniel Carterposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Schoolboy, you have a distinctive voice. Your message is clear in your poem, and it's rich with emotion and image.

      Technically a little rough, but that's not a problem, really because by continuing to write and write your thoughts by the pound, not the page, you'll refine and develop.

      Kudos, and welcome to HP.

    2. profile image45
      Jaywposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      loved the poem ,the words r deep.

    3. Thoover profile image55
      Thooverposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      This is very beautiful. I hope to be able to read more of your poetry. smile Thanks for sharing.

  2. Ben Evans profile image70
    Ben Evansposted 8 years ago

    I like what you are writing it is raw and your prose shows a lot of energy and intense emotion.  I hope that you don't mind some unsolicited advice.

    The words tell a lot.......But for most people the words don't paint a complete picture or tell a complete story so many people will not understand it.

    Here lets try this:

    Pounding rain
    scours the purple skies
    which awaits a crimson moon
    above hateful eyes.

    I see through the eyes of child.......
    Screaming people in a multitude
    of pawing and clawing are just
    trying to get a small bite of food.

    I am not a great writer but I wanted to give you few tips.  I like the words you put down and would like to welcome you to Hubpages.  I am sorry if you didn't want any advice but I can see a picture and I wanted to show you one style so you can arrange your words into a story so others can see your picture.

    Cheers,

    Ben

  3. Joy56 profile image75
    Joy56posted 8 years ago

    yahoo brilliant words, and so helpful, hub pages is the place to be, to learn,

  4. Ben Evans profile image70
    Ben Evansposted 8 years ago

    Joy56,

    Thank you,

    You are so kind.  It is quite a good community.

    1. always exploring profile image84
      always exploringposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Ben, i love to write poems, i just started, and i want to write better, any

      assistance from you would be appreciated.

      Thank You

  5. profile image0
    DoorMattnomoreposted 8 years ago

    Welcome to HP. I think your poem is good and you ought to make it into a hub. Everybody is giving you some pretty good advice, I don't really have anything to add except I hope you write more too.

  6. profile image0
    china manposted 8 years ago

    I don't think it needs to be changed at all - it is good as it is.

    The text language is a bit of-putting for us old schoolers but it is the language of today and you are writing in it - good on you and put it in a hub and then write some more.  When you have got a dozen down we can see how good you are smile

  7. profile image0
    Hanilolposted 8 years ago

    A+ 1111

 
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