love's eyes

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   schoolboy7posted 14 years ago

   pounding rain.purple skies.crimson moon.hateful eyes.screaming people.a multitude.pawing.clawing.trying 2 get a bite of food so small u need xtra sight.
   this is what i see when i look 4 my people.
   this is what i see in the eyes of the child.
   this is what i see.
   heartache.despair.bodies piled high.heaven in mourning as it hears the cries of man.
   no one 2 care.no one 2 see.no one 2 repent.no one 2 ask 4giveness 4 the sins of society.
   this is what i see.
   the blind cutting off their ears so they can b deaf.people pulling out each others tongue.mothers in mercy smothering their young.
   this is what i see.
   i am the eyes of the blind.
   i am the ears of the deaf.
   i am the voice of those who can not speak.
   i am...love,and this is what i see.
   
                                       -mark e.schoolfield

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   1. 66

      Daniel Carterposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Schoolboy, you have a distinctive voice. Your message is clear in your poem, and it's rich with emotion and image.
      
      Technically a little rough, but that's not a problem, really because by continuing to write and write your thoughts by the pound, not the page, you'll refine and develop.
      
      Kudos, and welcome to HP.

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   2. 52

      Jaywposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      loved the poem ,the words r deep.

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   3. 60

      Thooverposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      This is very beautiful. I hope to be able to read more of your poetry. Thanks for sharing.

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2. 64

   Ben Evansposted 14 years ago

   I like what you are writing it is raw and your prose shows a lot of energy and intense emotion.  I hope that you don't mind some unsolicited advice.
   
   The words tell a lot.......But for most people the words don't paint a complete picture or tell a complete story so many people will not understand it.
   
   Here lets try this:
   
   Pounding rain
   scours the purple skies
   which awaits a crimson moon
   above hateful eyes.
   
   I see through the eyes of child.......
   Screaming people in a multitude
   of pawing and clawing are just
   trying to get a small bite of food.
   
   I am not a great writer but I wanted to give you few tips.  I like the words you put down and would like to welcome you to Hubpages.  I am sorry if you didn't want any advice but I can see a picture and I wanted to show you one style so you can arrange your words into a story so others can see your picture.
   
   Cheers,
   
   Ben

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3. 65

   Joy56posted 14 years ago

   yahoo brilliant words, and so helpful, hub pages is the place to be, to learn,

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4. 64

   Ben Evansposted 14 years ago

   Joy56,
   
   Thank you,
   
   You are so kind.  It is quite a good community.

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   1. 79

      always exploringposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Ben, i love to write poems, i just started, and i want to write better, any
      
      assistance from you would be appreciated.
      
      Thank You

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5. 0

   DoorMattnomoreposted 14 years ago

   Welcome to HP. I think your poem is good and you ought to make it into a hub. Everybody is giving you some pretty good advice, I don't really have anything to add except I hope you write more too.

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6. 0

   china manposted 14 years ago

   I don't think it needs to be changed at all - it is good as it is.
   
   The text language is a bit of-putting for us old schoolers but it is the language of today and you are writing in it - good on you and put it in a hub and then write some more.  When you have got a dozen down we can see how good you are

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7. 0

   Hanilolposted 14 years ago

   A+ 1111

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