God saw Man was alone.
He said, “It isn’t good for Man to be alone. He too dumb to take care of himself. He needs someone to cook for him. To clean up after his messes. To bear him children, children she’ll have to care for. And to keep track of his appointments.”
So God said to Adam, “Find yourself a wife, young man.”
God sighed. Why, oh why hadn't He just left the monkeys to be in charge? “A mate, stupid.”
So Adam looked around.
The elephant was too large.
He couldn’t kiss the giraffe—her neck was too long.
The lion’s claws really hurt and the cow didn’t react at all.
The fish kept slipping out of his hand.
The bee stung him.
The apple tree didn’t even answer him.
And the monkey—well, the monkey just flat out laughed at him.
Finally Adam ran out of possible companions. “Hey, Lord!”
“What is it now?” God replied with a sigh and groan.
“I’ve looked everywhere. There is no female around here who will make a suitable mate for me.”
“Wow. I’m sure surprised.”
“That I can’t find a mate?”
“No, I’m surprised you can talk in sentences that long.” God sighed again. “Well, guess I’ll have to make you one.”
God put a hand to His forehead. Definitely should’ve gone with the monkeys. “A mate, stupid. A mate!”
“Get used to saying that.”
“Never mind. Now, go to sleep.”
“But I’m not sleepy,” Adam protested. “And it’s still daytime.”
So God whacked him over the head with a tree and knocked him unconscious.
While Adam lay on the ground, God poked around for something to make Adam a mate out of, finally settling on one of his ribs. God made the rib into a woman. She was a very pretty, shapely young woman, with reddish-brown hair and green eyes.
She looked around and said, “Whoa! What’s going on?”
“Hi,” said God. “I’m God, the one who made you. This unconscious guy lying on the ground is your mate. His name is Adam. He’s in charge, but you get to take care of all his needs. And the house. Oh, yeah, and you’re the one who gets to have the kids. And it’s going to hurt. A lot. Great deal huh?”
The woman looked around again, and saw Adam on the ground. “Oh, for crying out…you expect me to believe this? Who are you really? Is this some kind of gag show?”
“Look, lady, sorry about the way this is panning out, but I made him first.”
She put her hands on her hips. “Sheesh! What a rip.”
“Look, tell you what. You serve him for about…oh, say five thousand, ten thousand years, and then I’ll make the two of you equal. How’s that sound?”
“No way!” She folded her arms across her chest.
She heard a voice from the ground speak. “Hey! Don’t do that. I like seeing those, whatever they are.”
She looked down at Adam and fell hopelessly in love with him. “Darn!” she thought. “Now he’s gonna take advantage of my emotional attachment.”
“Who are you?” Adam asked in awe as he sat on the ground.
“She’s your mate, dummy,” God replied.
“Really? Wow. You're a lot prettier than the monkey.”
The woman looked at him with a studied gaze. He was pretty good looking…
“You’re prettier than a monkey too,” she said with appreciation. “Wanna go make a baby?”
“How do we do that?” a puzzled Adam replied.
The woman smiled. “Don’t worry, I’ll show you.”
Adam rose and took her hand in his. They walked off as Adam asked, “So, what’s a gorgeous thing like you doing in a paradise like this?”
God put His massive hand to His forehead again. His creation was giving Him a headache. “Should’ve made her first,” He muttered. “Well, maybe he’ll get better at this.”
He heard a ‘Hey!’ and a loud slap. God sighed loudly. “Then again, maybe not.”
Well done, OLYHOOCH. It would be better as a hub instead of a forum post. You might consider it.
by Ron Hooft6 years ago
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