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Secret Phrases to Make Your Online Dating Profile Awesome

Updated on August 6, 2014
Love sculpture (public domain)
Love sculpture (public domain)

Once you learn and use the secret phrases that attract people in online dating profiles, you'll never be lonely again. These dating tips will do just that.

The world of online dating is a hard world and we need all the help we can get. Just like the real world, first impressions mean a lot. Your Mr. or Ms. Right may be out there right now, reading your online dating profile, but if you have written the wrong thing, even if it's just a phrase in your overall dating profile, you might accidentally prevent yourself from ever meeting your soulmate. The online dating profile is the key to living a fulfilling life.

The purpose of an online dating profile is to make the right first impression. Where, in the past, impressions were made in person, they are now made through the profile. The better, more engagingly written the profile, the better chance you're going to have at landing a mate. Do the online profile right and use the right words and you'll have more dates than you ever imagined.

Below are 20 phrases that are guaranteed to reel that special guy or gal right in or your money back. If you want to find your one, true love in the world of online dating, just incorporate a few of these phrases. If you're really bold, you can try them all in a single, online dating profile. It will change your life.

Which online dating phrase best describes you?

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  1. Bed-ridden. Obviously, the image of you in bed is going to get somebody hot, really hot. And there's apparently a ride involved. When it comes to matchmaking, this phrase can't be beat. You can even use it more than once.
  2. VD is in remission. Exciting news for any potential suitor. It gives them a time window to act and provides a sense of urgency. You would be remiss not to use this phrase.
  3. I live with my parents. This often means free food. Everyone likes free food. And free room and board. And meeting the parents is a critical step toward building a relationship. Usually once a potential suitor meets your parents, the next step is marriage. And since you live with your parents, your date will have to meet them.
  4. I live with my ex. This allows that potential soul mate to get the lowdown on what not to do. It also makes that pick-up extra exciting.
  5. It's a jungle out there and in my pants. Maybe a little forward, but creates a sense of mystery. Jungles are full of mystery. And monkeys.
  6. 50W, 28L. The kind of dimensions that make members of the opposite sex drool, particularly if they're into sailing.
  7. My dog always sleeps in the bed. Everyone loves dogs. EVERYONE! And virtually nobody doesn't like sleeping with an animal. Woof!
  8. A woman cannot have enough cats. A woman with a lot of cats is like a man with a lot of cable channels. It means endless entertainment.
  9. Former prostitute. If you've got some experience, don't be afraid to let people know. Porn stars make notoriously good mates. They're not messed up or anything. And they're good in bed. And generally make good money unless they're like alley ho's.
  10. My creditors still can't find me. Creditors can be annoying. Nobody wants them calling at dinner. Dinner shouldn't be interrupted.
  11. Butt cheese. The next best thing to Gouda. Goes well with toe jam.
  12. It's okay if you're my first cousin. Especially compelling if you live in the south. Sometimes the dating pool can be limited. This makes it almost limitless. Check with the state you live first just to make sure you're not breaking any laws.
  13. Burping, belching, and beautiful. Shows self-esteem. People are naturally drawn to self-esteem. And really, people need to get used to naturally bodily functions. You want somebody who accepts you for who you are.
  14. Loves life. An amazing statement used in over 90% of profiles. The dating world would not exist without it and online dating would never have been invented were it not for these words.
  15. Mostly depressed. This means that some of the time you are so incredibly not depressed.
  16. Unemployed and proud. Again, self-esteem. It's Spanish Fly for the psyche.
  17. Mildly incontinent. People want to know how to prepare for that first date and whether or not it's going to be messy. And really, mildly means that most of the time you can hold it in.
  18. I WANT TO MEET YOU NOW! You're going to make somebody feel really special. In fact, type all your responses in capital letters. It shows SOPHISTICATION.
  19. Custody battle. You're fighting for your rights!
  20. One in the oven. Men love a woman who can cook.

So here's a sample profile using all of these phrases that you are welcome to use for yourself. But beware, you may have to beat suitors off with a stick.


Bed-ridden female, former prostitute, with amazing pants: 50w, 28l and VD that's in remission. Yes, it's a jungle out there and in my pants. Although I live with my parents and my ex, I love life even though the custody battle has been dragging on. Sure, I'm mostly depressed, especially with one in the oven, but I still WANT TO MEET YOU NOW. While I've become mildly incontinent, I'm still burping, belching, and beautiful. Don't mind the butt cheese or my dog, who sleeps in the bed with me. I believe in two things: first cousins should be able to date and a woman cannot have enough cats. I'm unemployed and proud, but have moved around enough that my creditors can't find me. Can't wait to hear from you. I love life!

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  • seth gecko profile image

    seth gecko 6 years ago from Orbit

    Thanx for making me laugh out loud! I was having something to eat when I came across "mildly incontinent" ... laughing all the way through reading the sample profile. Greatest Hub!