Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from the North. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from the West. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes... and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from the Louisiana. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
•Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
•Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
•Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
•Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
•Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
•Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
•Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
•Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
•Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
•Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
•Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
•Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
•Women think all beer is the same.
•Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
•Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
•If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
•Women brush their hair before bed.
•Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
•Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
•Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
•Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
•Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
•The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
•Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
•Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
•A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
•Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
•Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
•Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
•PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
•The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
•Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
•Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
•'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
•Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
•Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
•All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
•If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
•Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
•If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
•Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
•Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
•Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
•Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
•It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
•Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
•The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'
Oh my Gosh, that is so funny. I should take a page out of her book!
BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem
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