Friends with Benefits

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   realtalk247posted 9 years ago

   What are your rules when it comes to casual sex? 
   Do women seem to always become more attached to the man with a casual sex relationship according to your experiences?
   Do men become more possessive once they encounter you?
   Do you verbally provide the rules of engagement or are they unspoken rules?
   Did your casual sex interaction turn into a quality relationship? 
   
   Friends with benefits.............is it best in your younger years rather than your older years?  For the gentleman with friends with benefits are you still a smooth operator?  Smooth operator is someone who comes into town, has fun, takes your friend out to party/have dinner/drinks and top the night off at the hotel and place her on your 2-3 month follow-up list?
   
   What are your thoughts on friends with benefits?
   

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      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I actually believe a "friends with benefits" arrangement is best for older people. This is especially true for women who have already had the "dream wedding" followed by a nasty divorce.
      
      She may want to embrace her newfound freedom and independence. The idea of a "drama free" no strings attached arrangement for a woman in her 40s, 50s or beyond may seem attractive.
      
      There is also the widow who may have had a 30 year marriage and her husband died. She collects his social security and pension. Her house is paid off and she has money socked away to pass down to family members.
      
      For financial reasons a widow may not want to forgo her deceased husband's social security money or maybe she has concerns about marrying someone that could lead to risking her plans to pass down inheritance money to her children and grandchildren.
      
      As a child I can recall being at family reunions or a get together where a senior relative introduced someone to us as "their friend". As an adult I realize they were not "platonic friends". I suspect many seniors have engaged in arrangements where they have a "friend" they get together with every now and then who may or may not live out of town. Oftentimes their family members were completely unaware of their "friend".
      
      With regard to young folks and especially those who deep down hope or plan to get married some day there is more of a risk of them either becoming attached and wanting more or they realize they have not made room or time to find Mr. Right because they're too busy hanging around Mr. Right Now. Months and years have a way of slipping by when one becomes "comfortable".
      
      It's not unheard for someone to decide to marry a person whom they did not think was marriage material simply because they were comfortable even though they were not "in love". 'What the hell, why not?"
      
      Anyone who has their heart set on getting married one day probably should avoid a "friends with benefits" arrangement. This is something better off left for those who truly know they are done with the idea of marriage and don't want any day to day relationship with anyone.
      You have to know yourself!

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2. 72

   TheDragonBringerposted 9 years ago

   As a woman, I think society its just ripe enough for women to be able speak openly about causal sex. I was brought up to believe that casual sex was evil. Even though both men and  woman have been doing it for centuries, casual sex has been a taboo for women, yet a perk for men.
   
   As standards for man and women equalize, it becomes easier for a woman to take part in these types of discussion without the fear of shame. Ideally, a set of rules would be great, but that takes the spontaneous of it away. Letting things flow naturally, seems more enjoyable.
   
   For a woman, getting to emotionally attached could be problematic. What if the other person has no intention of going beyond casual sex? Maybe it's a woman thing, but there is a need for a certain kind of emotional satisfaction. The trick is how to have a duality. Is not easy to form an emotional connection and not hope for more.

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3. 81

   Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years ago

   Sex usually brings attachment. Its never casual. Its either love or hate. If it doesn't bring forth love and attachment...
   W H Y the heck BOTHER??

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      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Only if there is consistent sex with one person or on a regular basis is there the risk of becoming attached. If they only have sex 3-4 times a year odds are they're not going to confuse sex with love.
      
      Escorts/prostitutes and porn stars have sex for a living and don't become attached. I actually believe it's the friendship that creates the attachment!

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         Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         Casual sex is not natural. One must train oneself to not become attached. The playboy is not happy. The prostitute is not happy. The one who has casual sex is not happy.  Sex without love is unfulfilling.
         W H Y  BOTHER?
         
         I have been hearing about so called "friendship" lately.
         Friendship is kindness. It is not kind to have sex to use someone for one's own sense of Ego illusions or whatever.
         To encourage it in ourselves or others is not kindness and it is not friendly…
         
         So WHY?

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            janesixposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            Of course casual sex is natural. Especially for men. It's a natural instinct to procreate and spread the genes to as many women as possible.

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               Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               No. it hurts them. Men get attached, faster, and more strongly than women. They can train themselves not to get attached, to protect their emotional bodies, but deep down, it hurts them too. I am not fooled.

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                  janesixposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                  Some do, I'm sure. But not most.

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                  dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                  Men only get attached if they are "into the woman" to begin with. Otherwise there would be no such thing as "Playboys", "Players", or "cheaters" if sex caused them to be attached.
                  
                  Generally speaking men treat sex like any other urge. If you're thirsty you drink, if you're hungry you eat, and if you're horny you have sex. (Ideally with a woman he finds attractive). Nevertheless I believe most men are good with "compartmentalizing sex" from their meaningful relationships.

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                     Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                     So, if a woman is stupid enough, they will go for it. Good to know.

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                        dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                        I wouldn't say she's stupid if it's her idea or she sees him as "Mr. Right Now" while she pursues some other goals such as school or career or until Mr. Right shows up. They see themselves as being in control not stupid.
                        
                        We're living in a era where many women approach sex in the same way men do especially in the younger generations. Back in the 1960s and prior there was no such thing as "Chippendales" strip clubs for women and the only home parties were for Tupperware not "Pure Romance - In-Home Sex Toy Parties for Women."
                        
                        ABC TV has a summer show called "Mistresses", Showtime has "The Affair", and "Scandal" is about a married U.S. president who has an affair where most of the viewers are pulling for them find happy ever after!
                        
                        More and more women see themselves as being equal to men including in the area of sexual behavior. They can have one-stands and not feel used.

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                        1. 72

                           TheDragonBringerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                           I like the last part. Janesix makes some great points too. I thought relationships were about love, and here I am 35 and divorced. I'm done having kids, so I don't have to take bearing children into consideration. I support my kids, so I don't have to focus so hard on the financial aspect.
                           
                           I'm of the younger generation, even though I creep up in years. I very much want to openly explore, not just gender equality, but sexual equality as well. There are still very few places progressive enough to promote these types of conversations.
                           
                           What I see here is different ways of thinking, different fundamental perceptions of reality, all valid. Why must a woman become emotionally attached? Is  learning to detach from emotions in a controlled, compatmentalized and logical manner a bad thing? As a strong independent woman, I am OK with the fact priorities change, life changes, the world changes and society changes.
                           
                           Since there are few places to voice these types of opinions about sexuality, it is difficult to bridge the communication gaps. It is difficult to bridge expectations. It is important to have a healthy connection to ones own sexuality.
                           
                           Once outdated social constructs fade, new ideas form. I think men and woman could learn a lot from one another . I think a requirement for casual sex would be that both partners be open minded about maintaining healthy sexual relations, including a true understanding about ones sexual self.

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                              dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                              TheDragonBringer, You have excellent point about a lot of this tied to a difference of generations. Each generation of women is generally more sexually liberated than the previous generation.  Cosmopolitan, "The Joy of Sex", The G-Spot, better birth control methods, have made it more feasible for women to embrace their sexuality.
                              
                              Young teenage women idolize Jennifer Lopez and  Iggy Azalea "Booty video", Lady Gaga, Rhianna, Beyoncé, Nicki Minaj, Brittney Spears, and various other female celebrities who celebrate their sexuality as well as convert it into business empires. Madonna's net worth is $800M!
                              Very few "straight guys" own any Madonna records!
                              
                              There will always be those folks who don't believe women can or should be equal to men when it comes to sexual behavior!
                              Others feel a woman's "power" comes from withholding sex to get men to behave as they wish. Once she's "given him sex" she has no "leverage".
                              
                              It's that old analogy of "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" or as one sexually liberated woman once said;
                              "Why buy the pig when you can get the sausage for free?"
                              
                              The reality is no one enters into a  serious relationship or marriage just for the sake of having sex. Few people expect to marry a virgin these days. Our bodies are our own to do as we please whether one is a man or woman. However we won't have sexual behavior equality until (women are willing to stick up for other women) who choose to explore their sexuality in anyway they so desire. They also have to stop caring what (men) think!
                              
                              If a man has no say as to whether a woman carries a pregnancy to term how can a man's opinion have power over her sexual behavior?
                              
                              Men who sleep around don't give a damn what (women) think of them!
                              And their fellow males don't put them down nor do they feel threatened by them. Therein lies the difference between the genders on sexual behavior.

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                        janesixposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                        It's natural for women to look for mates who will provide for them while they are pregnant/nursing/have young children.
                        
                        Very rarely does it actually have to do with "love".
                        
                        Marriage has been about economics and culture/tradition for most of human history. Marrying for "love" is a modern day contrivance.

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                           Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                           So you say.
                           I disagree.
                           The sex center and the love center are very close together in the brain. This is because we are not meant to behave or live as barnyard animals.

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                              janesixposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                              So you say. Are we "meant" to live in any particular way? Or are we just advanced animals?

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                                 Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                                 Yes, we are meant to live with love in our hearts.
                                 If you beilieve you are soul of GOD.
                                 I do.

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                                    janesixposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                                    If that is true, then we haven't advanced that far yet. Mankind is still in a prepubescent phase, and still has a ways to go.

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                                       Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                                       I shoot for the ideal… as you know. If not now when?

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                                          janesixposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                                          Well so do I. I've been with the same partner for 15 years,and never had the desire to stray.
                                          
                                          I personally find "casual sex" to be distasteful. I'm just talking about nature,and how I see people acting around me.
                                          
                                          I've noticed that more educated people are married than poor, uneducated people. It could be just a matter of self-discipline. But I don't know,  some people could just be more evolved than others.

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                           dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                           I believe most people in free countries do choose to marry people they love today. In fact the economics part of it has changed dramatically now that more and more women are earning higher salaries and control their finances. In many households the wife out earns the husband.
                           
                           It's not unheard of for women of today to choose to have children or adopt them without having a man in their lives!

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                              Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                              ...and how sad is that. And how sad and unnatural. and sad.
                              Yes, it can work out and when one parent dies, the children thrive equally well. But, let us aim for the ideal!

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                              janesixposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                              I agree. It's easier to choose a partner based on the fact that you like them(or love them). This is definitely an improvement, especially for women.

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                              1. 81

                                 Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                                 ...mean while using others develops one's character and doesn't add to the spread of dangerous microbes.
                                 
                                 Right.

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4. 81

   Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years ago

   <"We're living in a era where many women approach sex in the same way men...
   More and more women see themselves as being equal to men including in the area of sexual behavior. They can have one-stands and not feel used.">
   
   Yes, and those are the women who are stupid enough!
   As I said before,
   
   Good to know!
   
   ...and its birth control that allows this barnyard mentality.
   have fun with that.
   what is required to pull this off, is shutting down the love center.
   I think that is very sad...
   thats all.

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      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Surly you're not against birth control or women being equal to men?
      
      For sometime there has been a struggle within the female gender where "traditional" VS "progressive" women take each other to task and sometimes it elicits name calling.
      
      Many "progressive" women want to tear down all the "double standards" that exist in society and have the same freedoms and options as men.
      
      "Traditional" women are in favor of equal pay but want to hold onto traditional dating and courtship rules. They look at the "progressive" women as being stupid, sluts, or trashy when it comes to promiscuity.
      
      Many I suspect consider them to be a threat to their relationships or the "progressives" are making it difficult for them to find a good man who will accept traditional values. In essence they see them as the enemy!
      
      Where as some men idolize men who are known seducers of beautiful women. There is not likely to be a time where women will idolize women for doing the same thing. Thus ensuring both men and women will put them down. If women treated women the way men treat men in this area it would be a "standoff" where neither gender is putting down their own.
      
      There will never be "sexual behavior equality" until the day "two consenting adults" can have sex without ever seeing each other again and not feel like (the woman was somehow used).  As long as we continue to propagate casual sex is for men only that double standard will continue.

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         Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         huh? it should not be advocated for either.

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            Aime Fposted 9 years agoin reply to this

            Two consenting adults should be able to do whatever they want to do as long as they're not hurting anyone.
            
            If people are being safe and using condoms, birth control, etc. then what's the valid argument for not being able to have casual sex? Because it isn't consistent with YOUR world view? Other people participating in casual sex doesn't mean that you're required to. Live your life the way that makes you happy and let other people pursue their own version of happiness.

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               Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

               have fun with that ebola.

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                  Aime Fposted 9 years agoin reply to this

                  I'm really at a pretty big risk what with the zero cases in my country and the fact that I'm married. 

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   Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years ago

   what about infectious disgusting microbes.
   Bring on the ebola.
   Yuc.

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      TheDragonBringerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Ebola is an STD... OK... That's scary enough!

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      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Ebola is not an STD per se anymore than any other virus that could be passed from one human being to another including the flu. You don't have to have sex with anyone to be infected with Ebola or catch the flu.
      
      More often than not when people bring up STDs with regard to sexual behavior they seem to be implying {if there were NO STDS they'd be okay} with having casual sex. I suspect nevertheless that is not true.
      STDs or not they personally are against the idea of casual sex.
      To each his/her own. Life is a personal journey.

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   AutumnDawnposted 9 years ago

   I personally believe that if casual sex is where you are as an individual, then go for it. The only person you have to live with forever is yourself. As long as no hearts are being broken or feelings damaged, then sleep with whoever you want to. I do believe there maybe a bigger social stigma on casual sex in older generations. Being 20, I believe what you do with your sex is your business. I know my older friends have different values, which is fine.

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      TheDragonBringerposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      +1

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         Kathryn L Hillposted 9 years agoin reply to this

         Have 'em fill out a form from the doctor, first.
         Unless, you don't mind getting herpes, gonorrhea and/or syphillus?
         and of course, ebola.
         I am joking about that last one…
         but yeah, we need to be really careful.
         I do not think its worth the risk, if its just "casual" in most, if not all cases. (Unless you have fallen in love and are engaged.)
         Plus, your "causal" catch probably has a habit of sex with anyone at all.
         In the movie, Perfect Pitch, (now playing in theaters and available from Red Box,) one of the girls proclaims, "He's a hunter!" ...referring to her U NO WHAT!
         
         
         Not to mention you could get pregnant!!!!!!!!
         True story:
         An abortion clinic passed out condoms for free in the neighborhood, in order to make their quota of twenty abortions a day. They comprehended the failure rate of condoms. Did they consistently reach their quota? of course!
         - have fun with those abortions.
         Ouch.

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