Is waiting for marriage before sex an outdated idea? Do men value this in a woman?
It seems like when people hear about others waiting for marriage that they assume something is wrong with that person. Is waiting for marriage before sex an outdated idea? Do men (Christian or non-Christian) value this in a woman? Has any woman ever found a man that waited for marriage?
For some, it is considered an outdated idea because of how the media and society view sex as an everyday occurrence and that everyone is doing it whether married or no. I didn't wait, but I wish I had. Also I do value a woman that is willing to wait. It shows a foundational belief in God, but also that a woman knows what she wants and has her own values that she just doesn't want to give it to just anyone.
The Journal of Family Psychology did a study in 2010 that showed that couples who wait until marriage for sex find
1: Greater quality in sex
2: Better Communication in the Relationship
3: Relationship Satisfaction
The only reasons I've heard to not wait are
2: To show love
3: To test for a good marriage partner
Seeing as impatience and lust are obviously bad reasons for sex, I'm going to skip those and talk about showing love and testing for a good partner.
Showing love: There are SO MANY other ways to display affection. Proving to your partner that you have the self-control, and the respect to wait until marriage is definitely one of them. Also really how is it a show of love if there is no value in it? Value of something is determined on supply and demand. If something is freely given with no real commitment or sacrifice, then really how great is the demand, under such high supply? There goes the real value of it, and love that it shows.
Testing: This same 2010 study showed that marriage satisfaction actually goes DOWN when having premarital sex. The old phrase "you should test drive a car before you buy it" does not apply here.
A personal reason of mine that you should wait for sex is that it helps to prove that someone is in a relationship for YOU, and not for the physical pleasure of it.
I would love to see any person give a reason that you SHOULD have sex before marriage, I would love to explore it with them along with the ream of studies, philosophies, and religious teachings done about it.
http://www.boundlessline.org/2012/08/de … riage.html
Great answer. Thanks for all of the information. I agree with your stand on this topic. It just seems like it is never talked about or expected anymore.
I personally know of two couples that got married before having sex with each other. Ironically it is the women who are unhappy. Pre-marital sex has never been listed as "the cause" for divorce. Marrying the wrong person is the number one reason! :-)
I could definitely agree that it wouldn't be "the reason." But it's definitely a contributor, which is why it has always been sanctified in every culture. By the way, thank you for a valuable comment that wasn't simply intended to argue.
Frankly speaking, nowadays people young and old, don't wait for marriage before sex. Most would laugh if found out his/her friends are still virgin, giving sarcastic remarks such as "Orbit" personality, "weirdo",etc. Hurts the feelings , so people go ahead with sex before marriage to show friends that they are cool too. Under the Christian law, it is a "no sex before marriage" .I had read a news that a celebrity, Korean actor by the name of Vaness Wu, he is acting to this rule since he became a Christian. A rare news for a celebrity.
It depends on whether one values the tenets in their faith, or the values human beings put on waiting.
Personally, I think people should wait. It would eradicate a lot of disease if it were so. I waited, and have never been sorry. I am not saying that I wasn't tempted, or that some fella didn't try and convince me that our love was undying and that we "should" have sex.
But I waited, no it wasn't easy but I did what I thought was right. Doing what is right is often difficult but worth it.
Waiting for marriage cuts out many of the problems young ones find themselves in today
Unwanted pregnancies so millions of babies are murdered every year -
Diseases - Broken families .....Heartbreak .....
Men should respect a female more if she waits till marriage and vica versa . We waited and we brought our girls up to do the same .
No, it is not an outdated idea and yes, men really do value this in a woman! Men automatically want to follow God's teaching whether they want to admit it or not. Although the male body desperately wants to hear ''yes'' to sex the heart of a male is looking to hear the word ''no''. That's why when a guy has sex with a woman on a first date he loses respect for her because we are the ones who are responsible for determining our own self-worth (and sometimes even his). When a woman says she is holding out on sex men tend to estimate how long she will hold out for. When a woman says she is holding out till marriage men don't believe this either OR that she's a ''golddigger', but a real man will take her at her word and then make up in his own mind whether or not he wants to pursue that woman. Some men will like that in you and some men won't but by having this certain standard you easily weed out the jerks who are out to break your heart.
I found a man that tried to wait until marriage. He broke down when he was 21. Yes, there are couples who do wait until marriage. Often they are the couple who goes to church every Sunday. The woman doodles his name on her binder and the guy is hopelessly romantic. However, most individuals have sex before marriage. I hope it's outdated. Who would want a partner that isn't practiced? Studies have shown that individuals who don't wait are more comfortable sexually after marriage than those who did wait. They know how to handle a sexual relationship.
Which studies are these? I'm always interested to see research that completely contradicts each other.
It was an article in one of the Psychology Today magazines. Interesting that you quote from a Christian website.
That is definitely the first place I saw the source I talked about, but not the source I quoted from. I made a point of keeping religion out of my answer. The article was from the Journal of Family Psychology. Do you remember the article name?
No, I do not. The college library is where I used to read them.
As a man I never even considered waiting until marriage to have sex. However I don't knock people who do. I have no interest in trying to get anyone to break their personal vows. To be honest with you I think people who are waiting for marriage to have sex tend to (look down) on those that chose not to wait!
Life is a personal journey. Each of us gets to decide on how we want to live. Essentially everyone is seeking someone that shares their same values and wants the same things they do.
To my knowledge I have never heard of anyone say they got divorced because they had pre-marital sex. As for (value), anything that is available in abundance loses it's value. There is no shortage of men or women willing and wanting to have sex. Therefore having sex is no longer a "motivating factor" to get married. In my opinion that is not such a bad thing. I would hope people get married for better reasons than having sex.
I'm 21, I'm in the new generation so to speak, and I'm a virgin completely by choice (my own ...I've actually had opportunities to lose it). My reasons for wanting to wait until marriage is...weird. I'm not religious and it's not for spiritual reasons (obviously).
I want to wait until marriage because my virginity is "valuable" in a way to me. It's something that I can only give away once and then it's gone forever, so it has a sort of value to me.
When I meet girls with this same value for one reason or another my opinion of them goes up about 10 points
Not a weird reason at all. It's very cool of you. Without being religious you are basically waiting for much of the same reason as those that are religious.
I much agree that, if you have the discipline for it, it is much wiser to wait for that one person who treats you love and respect and someone you can trust. A man or woman who is willing to forego their sexual desires is a keeper.
If you believe in marriage and believe you should only have sex for love then of course there is no problem in waiting, the discipline shown is quite impressive. However a growing number of people believe that marriage is unnecessary for a happy family life, and a small number don't wish for a family at all. For these people obviously waiting for marriage is not the right choice as it may never happen.
There's also the generational thing where people are now growing up to see sex as 'fun' (which has been going on since the 60's), if you take the religion-based values of chastity, purity and virginity out of the equation then there should be no problem with this (assuming birth control is used alongside condoms for protection). It's largely a personal choice based on your own values and choices, if you're a woman who isn't a virgin and your partner refuses to marry you on that basis then you have got to question, is he really worth it? Each to their own; the only real problems are the peer pressure and guilt which stem from conflicting views but that kind of thing is an issue which goes way beyond premarital sex.
if we talk according to our Indian culture yes it is, one should wait before he/she gets married to experience that. But no one cares about that in today's world and are doing it without even thinking once.
Virginity is not just another thing one can loose to anyone it should be kept for someone SPECIAL.
Waiting to have sex UNTIL married is a very huge problem it seems, as it eveident in the world today. Children who don't know who the father is, Unsafe sexual activity, the porn industry, and the vaules that television teaches are just a few of the big issues facing this world that seems to be on a rapid downhill, moral decline with no rope back up.
God created man in His very own moral image and likeness (Genesis 1:26-27), and those who choose to continue in adultery and fornication will not be allowed into His Kingdom (Hebrews 13:4, Ephesians 5:5).
Actually, for you and your special someone to wait for marriage before jumping under the sheets is a very good thing; And even if you decide to have children, your honest morality will have a lasting impression. With marriage, it means more than just "sex". Sex was designed and given by God for the purpose of further populating the earth (Genesis 1:28) and I'd say we've all done overly outstanding in that department. Most people, sadly, think it is wrong for someone to wait for marriage; they want "the gettin" now. Sex is more than just what it's been debased to; it has an emotional connecting soul to it, or at least it used to. People wonder why society is so twisted and corrupted and we've all had some part to play in it: From those who produce TV, Hollywood, the Porn Industry to what parents allow their children to watch on TV, music, video games, magazines, and also the bad examples given them by those from whom they get whatever socially and verbally interactive examples.
People not waiting for marriage ranges from "But nobody else does" to"It's just a booty call". America, we have got to wake up because in case we have utterly failed miserably to notice, WE OURSELVES are what this country is and will become tomorrow. We are headed for a very tragic end because morality has gave up.
Did you wait til you were married Terryk81? You can't preach on it if you're doing it.
Does anybody preach about anything that they haven't done in some way fashion or form?
I definitely agree with you about the part that children need to be considered when engaging in pre-marital sex until birth control is used religiously. There is always a good chance that pre-marital sex can result in single motherood
Okay, I'll accept il Scettico's challenge, ie 'I would love to see any person give a reason that you SHOULD have sex before marriage' ... but I really don't have the time to explore it along with the ream of studies, philosophies, and religious teachings done about it. Here's my reason ...
Sexual incompatibility has killed a lot of marriages. This is not a conversation I generally have with men so I can't speak with any authority from the male perspective, but I've heard quite a lot of women over the years blame the end of their marriage on not knowing what to expect in bed when they married their husbands. Too big, too small, too active, too passive, too demanding, too indulgent, too selfish, too noisy .. the list goes on.
I think the greatest tragedy is when children are conceived in a marriage that obviously won't be a happy-ever-after relationship. Some elements of sexual incompatibility simply cannot be resolved despite the best of intentions and despite both partners making the greatest effort to accommodate their loved one. To my mind, that's a reason why you should have sex before marriage.
Having said that, I respect the religious beliefs and principles of people who consider sex before marriage to be inappropriate. Perhaps they are more accepting of the reality of dreading going to bed at night and making excuses to avoid a passionate relationship, I think it is an awful shame though if they could have picked a different partner and had a truly loving relationship where jumping into bed together at night and waking in the same bed in the morning is a thrill every day of a 60 year marriage.
My personal belief is that if you trust a person enough to marry them and agree to share all aspects of life together 'forever', you should trust them enough to sleep with them at least a few times during your engagement. (With a condom of course to avoid the issues of unplanned pregnancy.)
I think sex before marriage is a valuable part of assessing the likelihood of your marriage lasting. It must be easier to say, "You know how much I love you, but I don't think sex will work for us" before the big wedding, the change of name, the birth of children, the mortgage and other things that come with marriage.
Before the wedding, the breakup is more a matter of "I love you, I want you to be happy, and I think you'd be happier long term with someone else." After the wedding and years of dissatisfaction the wording and implications of the breakup are far more cruel.
All my personal spiritual beliefs aside, just knowing that there was no one else on my spouses mind that he'd had an experience with, that it was something we alone shared, that he wasn't comparing me nor I him, with prior lovers. It was innocent and good. Not saying we couldn't swing from the chandeliers so to speak, but it was pure and I wouldn't trade that emotional security for anything.
I don't think it is out dated at all. I think before I got married I had a harder time grasping why anyone would wait. Thinking... what if it was bad? Now that I am married I think its a great idea. It eliminates all the issues about x's in your, or your significant others past. Its something you share.
I have to admit that I have yet to find the man willing to wait until marriage for the friskies. My husband found religion after his marriage and he now wishes that he would have saved himself for me. I feel the same toward him, but not because of religious reasons, but becase the men I slept with prior to my husband were such unmitigated losers that they did not deserve my sexual pleasures.
Waiting to have sex until marriage is not necessarily an out-dated idea but the disadvantage of that is that sexual desire can become such a focus that it can lead to an ill advised young marriage. I married late at 31 and to a good man because, having already had sex, it no longer became the main focus for our relationship and it allowed me to concentrate on other factors which make for good husband material. My husband was 43 when we married and he probably would have already gone through multiple marriages had he denied himself sex before marriage.
Also, as sweet and romantic as it is to wait to have sex until marriage, sexual compatibility is a central part of a good marriage and it may not be wise to find this out until after the ceremony. What if a woman ends up with a man who is gay or impotent or a woman who is frigid? Some people could avoid sex prior to marriage in order to not deal with these issues.
However, this is a conundrum. Waiting for sex can be romantic and I've seen it work well, but not so well among the young, although an older friend of mine waited until after marriage to have sex with her husband (his choice). However, my friend was vastly sexually experienced and she would have immediately figured out if he had ulterior reasons for waiting other than for moral reasons.
My opinion? Experience responsible sex while you are young so that you don't end up marrying another young person unprepared for life just to get sex out of the way. However, once you're older and more wise about people and the both of you have gone through that experience where it's not so urgent to get sex out of the way to concentrate on compatibility, then waiting might not be a bad idea. Among older couples, developing a strong friendship prior to sex can strenghten a relationship.
Picking the right spouse is not an exact science. I'm sure there are those who "saved themselves" for marriage and soon realized they married a "unmitigated loser". As you noted having had sex prior to marriage helps your focus on other traits.
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