Darla, Please help me find the strength to trust my husband again.

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   TRYINGTOFORGIVEposted 14 years ago

   Darla,
   Please help me find the strength to trust my husband again.
   
   I would normally go find a therapist but I am living in Seoul South Korea with my soldier husband. Some things have happened within the last 6 months that make me question my marriage. I try talking to my friends, I mean they know what is going on but, I am the first one out of my group to get married and nobody knows how to help me. I have tried everything. Nothing is working. I don't know what to do anymore.  I cry all of the time now, because I can't get the past out of my head.  All of the things my husband did to me behind my back and lied about. Can you or anyone please help me ?

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2. 62

   Maxvonposted 14 years ago

   I'll try to answer this - first of all, I'd just lke to say how much I sympathise with you.  We all suffer for love at some time but that doesn't stop it hurting.  The pain will pass, possibly slowly, but what's important is to look after YOURSELF.  If you feel good about yourself, love yourself and appreciate your life and your qualities then you will gradually overcome everything.  Your husband will make his own decisions but at least you will have your self respect when you look back on things.  Men are different to women - the things we do are based less on emotion and more on needs  - he would lie  to avoid hurting you.  Don't concentrate on trying to forgive just understand that he doesn't think the same way as you.  Concentrate on each day as it comes and let the beauty within you shine through.

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   TRYINGTOFORGIVEposted 14 years ago

   Thank you for trying to help me.  I have been waiting for 2 months for some type of feedback.  I understand what you are saying, I do have respect for myself and that is partially the problem.  You see I found out recently that my husband was not faithful to me for the three years we were together before we got married.  We did have a long distance relationship, but I do not feel like that fact should excuse his actions. Actions that include 5 infidelities over a 3 year time period.  A period in which he was only in the country for about 6 months.  He spent a year in Afghanistan and year in Korea.  When I found the "evidence" which I was not looking for and confronted him he manned up to what he had done and told me everything.  He seems to think that because it didn't happen after our marriage it doesn't count.  I unfortunately do not agree.  If I would have found this information prior to our wedding I would have left him.  I think that is the root of my problem. Now going back to your respect and loving myself comment, I do.  I feel that I have always been worth more than that which is why I feel weak for staying with him. I am madly in love with my husband and have been for the past 4 years.  I think that finding out that he hasn't always felt the same is a little hard to swallow.  I have been getting better over the past 8 months since I found out, but with that said...  I can not trust him.  I truly want to, but now I feel like everything was and is a lie.  My husband and I have had many to say the least conversations about this, and he assures me that it will never happen again.  He says he is in love with me and he doesn't want to loose me.  I believe him, with all of my heart, but it is my head is the problem.  All I can think about is how stupid and blind I was and the fear of it all happening again overwhelms me.  I was so head over heals that I didn't see the signs, and I hate myself for that. I have good days and then I have days where I interrogate him for hours.  I don't know how to stop those thoughts from coming into my head, I don't know how to believe him again.  I am very much in love with my husband even after all of this shit happened.  I want our marriage to work, and I can't see my life without him in it but I don't know how to get past this.  Do you think I am crazy ??  I am always open to try new things if I think it will help my situation.  Thanks for the time : )

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4. 61

   Olyenkaposted 14 years ago

   Hi...
   There are many therapists who work on-line via skype now. Just check information around. I worked with few clients via skype and my clients have managed to find their solutions. It is not a one hour miracle, though you do get a clear decision you are comfortable with after few sessions.
   
   If you prefer to think alone first - then do think regarding:
   "What do YOU want in the situation?"...
   Yes you wrote what is it you would like. Just think again and answer the question. The next step would be asking 'What would be the best option for you?'... see where you get...
   
   Feel free to contact any time here or bespoke_training@2skinny2rich.com
   
   Many supportive hugs,
   Olga.

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5. 66

   elshiggityposted 14 years ago

   Infidelity is a hard thing to come to terms with and each person handles it differently.
   
   I cheated on my wife once before we were married and once since we've been married. Both times were terribly devastating in our relationship.
   
   One thing a lot of people don't understand though is that cheating usually isn't a result for lack of love for your partner, there are usually other reasons and a huge one is sex drive and curiosity.
   
   Once you get married though and understand what it takes to make a marriage work, still being able to cheat on your spouse then takes some serious problems to cause.
   
   When he cheated on you during the long distance portion of your relationship it was probably influence from the people around him and lack of companionship with you that drove him to it. If he told you the truth and didn't leave you, then he probably didn't make the right choice and regrets it.
   
   After coming clean about my infidelity it has only made my marriage stronger and taught me lessons I'll never forget. Granted, it took about a year to reach that point since it happened.

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6. 57

   dawnMposted 14 years ago

   Trust is golden as they say, once broken a person will not forget, but if your husband has apologized for what he did and is truly sorry and wants to work on the marriage than you can choose to forgive him and let him know what you need from him in the marriage.  If your husband has not apologized and is still doing what he did wrong than he is a terrible husband and if you can leave him and go somewhere safe than you should!

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