How do you know when to call a relationship quits? How far do you let it go in the name of Love?
Does it mean that you do not love them anymore, or is it because you love them that you need to end it? When is the fighting and the stress of it all to much? I am at a cross roads. I have been with this man for 10 years and now I love him, but not in love with him. All we do is fight because I have pulled away and no matter how hard it is that I try to figure out why I feel this way, I just can't. He has shown me love and respect beyond anything i could have asked for, but I do not think that I can do this anymore. I need some advice, any would be greatly appreciated.
I've been in your shoes. I called it quits after seven years. Too much fighting drains one's energy. I thought my parents didn't raise me to live that way. I deserve a better life. I know I can achieve that with or without a mate.
Before you leave though, have you tried going on a spiritual retreat (in case you're a theist)? Or have you gone on trial separation and see if you're better off without him (and vice-versa)? Has the happiness to sadness ratio reached 5:10 or even 1:5? Do you find yourself feeling worse and dying inside each day, like if you don't leave it's either you'd end up in prison (because you killed him), in the morgue (because he killed you), or in a mental institution (because of too much depression)? Has your marriage stopped bringing out the best in you and that you find yourself "pretending" to be in love with him everyday?
Leaving him means saving both of you from an unhappy relationship. If you feel you won't regret your decision regardless of the consequences, then do so. Also, based on your profile, you have a kid. Your unhappiness and the marital fights will surely affect her. It's not just you in the equation. Your child is also involved, so you'd need to think of her situation too.
It's your heart telling you what you really want to do, Swesley. Your mind is processing it, perhaps giving you ample time to think if you can handle the consequences. And I think you can, whatever your decision will be .
It seems like you have answered your own question.
People seem to think time, is a good reason to stay. It has nothing to do with time, but everything to do with you and how you feel being with this person.
When you begin to question a relationship its time to, step back, reflect and put things in perspective.
Have you lost yourself in this relationship? Who are you? Do you feel you need to stay out of obligation? How would feel starting a new journey alone? Does he know how you feel? If not, why?
Have the courage to be true to yourself and do what YOU feel is best.
What exactly is it you can't do any more? Fight? Be with someone you love? or be someone you're not in love with? stop pulling away or keep pulling away?
I'd love to tell you the mystery of love and why it should last forever! I'd love to tell you to sit down with this man that has shown you love and given you respect and tell him how you feel!
I'd love you to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. 'Why after ten years with this man do I want out?'
Perhaps you don't! Perhaps you need a little more romance, a little more fun, to remember why you fell in love in the first place.
We all change and grow, sometimes together and sometimes a part. Sometimes we get a bit bored! I guess you could start by asking yourself how you'd really feel if you made the break.
If you don't feel like stroking his face, holding his hand, or sharing your feelings, you need to do one of two things.
Move out or work on being in love. Only you know this and both are a challenge.
Whatever you do, you need to move on with your life. That may seem difficult, but you have to do it.
You also need to share these feelings with the man in question! Difficult but positive in helping you move in whatever direction is best for you.
Embrace your future but never forget the past!
When you no longer feel you can be your authentic self it's time to move on!
By that I mean being able to say what's on your mind or in your heart without things escalating into a fight. If you really are fighting all the time then clearly you are with the wrong person.
Ten years is a very long time to be with someone that doesn't make you happy.
You can't manufacture chemistry. (It's either there or it's not)
Continuing to stay in a bad relatiionship just because you have been in it for so long is an insane strategy. It's not like this is some stock or bond that will be paying off down the road.
It's time to cut your loses and move on.
From what you've stated you have already "pulled away" mentally.
A break up allows both people to find others who will love and appreciate them as they are. By sticking around you are robbing both of you a chance at finding "real happiness".
Time is the most valuable comodity on earth. It's time you stopped wasting his and yours on a relationship that is going nowhere.
Do what your head tells you, chances are that your head is right.
hate to point out the obvious but you answered your question in your question. if you love him but are no longer in love with him then it's time to move on. it sucks and it's painful but if you truly are no longer in love with him then it's for the best. it will work out better for the two of you!
I believe in all honesty that we all know within ourselves when it's time to give back our set of keys.
It is an instinctive feeling! you no longer feel excited at the thought of seeing the other, no more butterflies!
They easily irritate us and our concentration lapses when the other is speaking to us!
I could go on but like I said, if u feel you can no longer do it anymore, you have answered your own question!
Think if your married just separating for awhile should bring clarity to you, and seeking professional advice. Being in your shoes in the past and choosing divorce, and how my views have changed over time, it's after I started taking a good look at myself to understand I was part of the problem. He also did the same. We both moved on after a period of time, but you should keep talking and expressing yourself and communicating, learning to see things from each others perspectives, and learning to forgive. I would recommend the movie Fireproofing your marriage, and to other books power of praying wife, and changing your marriage by Stormie Omartian. Fortunately you won't always feeling in love, and that is just something normal in every relationship, you have your dry times, as well as the wonderful times. I wouldn't just give up yet. I would challenge yourself to learn about yourself, and how you feel about yourself, as well as the world you live in. Another good person to listen to is Byron Katie. http://www.thework.com/index.php , she goes on to ask yourself is this true what you believe! It's amazing thing when you listen to her, and understand half the things you believe aren't really true about another person or yourself. I would give you both time, and start learning what you can to improve your life. Finding some one else you will still have to learn the same lessons, often times people will say this is the answer, but fortunately how many relationships will you leave because you didn't learn the lesson?
No one should ever tell you when its time to end a relationship because as humans we grow with time, and we learn with time. You will know when its your time to go or when its time to stay. Arguements can cause love to fade, because disrespect has been present. Once couples disrespect eachother it is hard to get respect back. Also, consider what a arguement does, it makes one winner and one looser. Neither party should want the other to be the looser. Now you say you been with this man 10 years, if you where to try and remember every topic to every arguement over 5 of those years and I mean word for word you would not be able to. Thats how far your getting with the way your both choosing to communicate. If the communication is in anger with this realtionship it could be like that in the next relationship. Anger management could help you both, and counseling. If moneys an issue, than the book store will have help. Its worth a try!
Hi SWES, My honest unsolicited advice is stick with him.Reading your message , you got it good.I do not know the extent of your fighting but from what I understand, it is your usual normal fighting that happens in any relationship.NO violence be it verbal or physical.He still respects you which to my thinking is a good sign that he still cares for you.Respect is hard to come by these days. Maybe the relationship needs a little tweaking but not enough to warrant a separation or divorce.Think about it? What guarrantees you that the next relationship is not going to be a lot worse? How about trying a little more patience and concentrate on the good instead of focusing on the bad? Good luck and happy new year ! all the best.
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