When I discovered my husband of nearly 30 yrs was having an emotional affair wit

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   seaofloveposted 14 years ago

   When I discovered my husband of nearly 30 yrs was having an emotional affair with a woman in...
   
   his office I was/am devastated. He lied to me for 4yrs 7 down played the seriousness when I confronted him.However he cried when I told he had to stop. I found out he didn't, they just became more careful. For awhile I thought things were good, until her car was stolen over the weekend and SHE called him for help!!  I am not young or healthu. I cannot "start over" and I still love him. He has said he will not see her outside the office, but he promised this last time. How can I ever trust him again?  What can I expect him to do to regain my trust without me being a harpy?  I've always tried to

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   Seeker7posted 14 years ago

   When some one you love dearly and you have trusted for so long betrays you I don't think the trust can come back 100%. You may not be young or in perfect health, but that doesn't mean you can't have a different life. You do deserve better and you have two choices. You stay with your husband and accept that you will not be able to trust him again and perhaps even have to accept his 'affairs'. Second choice is to tell him to get lost and start a new life. None of these choices are easy. But for your sake and for your future you do  need to make a decision eventually. You deserve a life of love and interest just as much as he does. Get building your confidence up and start to take control of your own life, rather than being driven by emotions sparked off by the acts of others.  Lots of luck.

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   Susie and Ottoposted 14 years ago

   Hello seaoflove,
   An emotional affair-- as you already know-- can be just as devastating to a relationship as a sexual affair is.  From what you describe, it sounds like you have reliable proof that infidelity is actually going on between your husband and another woman.
   
   Your next step is to decide if staying in this marriage is in your best interest.  You may believe that you cannot "start over,"  but it's really important for you to give yourself permission to consider every option that is possibly open to you (and even those that seem impossible).
   
   If you stay with him, this needs to be a choice and you're going to want to be clear with both yourself and your husband about what he's going to need to do to begin to prove to you that he is trustable.  Create agreements that you can know he is following through with (or not). 
   
   At the same time, take an honest look at your relationship.  Where are the "holes"?  What relationship habits do you BOTH have that may be playing a role in the distance between you two?  Part of rebuilding trust is to identify and start to turn around these disconnecting habits.
   
   Best Wishes,
   Susie and Otto

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4. 88

   krillcoposted 14 years ago

   Such damage needs to be addressed with the help of a qualified counselor. I encourage you to find one and go, even if he will not. My first choice would be a counselor using the Crucible approach to couples work.

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5. 65

   ThunderKeysposted 14 years ago

   From the perspective of a professional counselor, the evidence shows that emotional and physical affairs take place when one or both partners is not effectively expressing and having their core relationship needs met. In a healthy relationship boundaries are critical. The most foundational relationship need on which, all healthy relationship’s are based is the need to feel safe and to trust your partner. So, as much as he needs to effectively express and get his relationship needs met, he has a fundamental responsibility to help you trust him again. These seeming disadvantages can actually be viewed as opportunities if you start to get a positive exchange cycle going, - learning and meeting each other’s needs. Please take a look at my Hub so that I don’t rewrite it here, and let me know if I can provide you with further information.

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