Should I tell my friend her husband is having an affair?

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  1. stricktlydating profile image82
    stricktlydatingposted 14 years ago

    Should I tell my friend her husband is having an affair?

    My other friends say she won't believe me, and I'll only end up looking like the bad girl!  But if it was me, I'd want to know.

  2. Dark knight rides profile image60
    Dark knight ridesposted 14 years ago

    Are you willing to lose your friend over this if she doesn't believe you? And are you willing to live with the knowledge if you don't tell her? I'm a believer that generally we should stay out of other peoples business unless it somehow is going to involve us. Have you talked to the husband, see if he's willing to come clean to her himself? How close a friend is this? Is she likely to believe you? You know you're friend, would she thank you for telling her, after it all blows over, or will she be upset forever?
    But what really matters is can youlive with not telling? If it will bother you to continue to keep the secret, then talk to her. If your comfortable lying to your friend, then keep it quiet.

  3. OhKathryn profile image62
    OhKathrynposted 14 years ago

    I would tell her if you had legitimate proof but if you don't and still tell her even if she doesn't believe you, it will start to make her wonder and she will find out sooner or later. She may hate you at first but when she sees it for herself she will thank you later.

  4. profile image57
    squirmyposted 14 years ago

    Yes . Just make sure that you are right and it is not you. It will all work out in the long haul one way or the other.Been there and done it. I had to tell my sister and needless to say we are both going through the big D. I can live with myself can you.

  5. Lee Boolean profile image62
    Lee Booleanposted 14 years ago

    Ask your friend the hypothetical question.
    You are in a bit of a bind here, if you don't tell her and she finds out you knew, she'll hate you just as much, maybe even more.
    If it was a one off event you could probably let it go, if its an ongoing thing, she does have a right to know he's making a fool of her.

  6. profile image0
    reeltaulkposted 14 years ago

    If you consider her a friend and you are a true is your place to do so!!!  How would it feel if she found out elsewhere and ran to you to console her?   Little would she know that you already knew but withheld the information just because?????  You would NOT feel good and trying to act as though you are finding out for the first time would be deemed as crazy!!! Whats the point of acting clueless as well as the two faced behavior.  It doesn't take you wanting someone to inform you if they knew to have you do the same to your friend.  You know some damaging truth and you need to tell the individual that you consider a friend--- the truth!

  7. chechlor.harrison profile image55
    chechlor.harrisonposted 14 years ago


  8. pageantgirl31413 profile image77
    pageantgirl31413posted 14 years ago

    I would personally want to know. Most women have an idea that their husband is if he is. It might just be what she needs to know. I would personally risk my friendship because no woman deserves to live with someone that would cheat on them. Your other friends aren't really friends if they wouldn't tell you the truth. She needs to know. The real thing to consider is to somehow get some evidence to show her when you tell her so that she will believe you. Also consider how you are going to tell her. If she brings up that there are problems in her marriage, that might be a better time to tell her than when she is saying that things are wonderful. Focus on getting some evidence but if you can't, you should still let her know.

  9. profile image0
    Empowermomposted 14 years ago

    First, if you have to ask, she isn't your friend.  Real friends are honest with one another.

    If you are only "suspicious," approach her with caution, gently laying out why you think this is happening.  If you are sure, tell her as soon as possible and give facts, not opinions.

    Either way, a good friend tells the truth, even when it isn't pleasant. If you can't trust your friends to be honest, who can you trust?

  10. profile image49
    all123posted 14 years ago

    No, do not tell her.  No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Stay out of other peoples affairs. She will find it out or already knows it. If you tell her, she will know you know also.  People remember the person that gave them the bad news. See will remember you more than the other women.
    Heard the old say, shoot the messenger?  Well, that happens when you tell someone something bad..  You will be blamed or remember for the bad news.
    Another best friend lost.
    When she remarries,you will not be invited to the wedding.
    Stay out of others affairs, friends or neighbors.
    Stay their friend, but not a nosy one. She will confide in you in time, if she wants you to know.  My guess, she suspects or knows it already.

  11. profile image58
    C.J. Wrightposted 14 years ago

    In order to tell her you have to be absolutely sure that what you believe is happening is actually happening.  You also need to know if she already knows. Personal relationships are just that. You never know what agreements exist between partners.   You also have to consider if she will ever find out that you knew first.  Some men and women would rather not know. I would approach the subject indirectly. Gauge her responses.  Once you have a better idea of where the relationship is, you will know what to do.

    Also, if the guy's hanging out in "meat market" type of bars or flea bag motels you probally have to say something. Now you have reasonable concern for her health and well being. If you keep seeing the guy out with some hottie sharing an intimate lunch thats something totally different.

    Finally, if I were to confront anyone, it would be the "other woman".  In fact I would have a friend (one who doesn't know the wife or the husband) do it for me if I'm well known to the Wife's husband. Keep in mind the other woman may not know the guy is married or he may have said that he and his wife are working on an amicable separation.  Basically confront indiscretion with discretion.  If the woman was trying to lure the guy away or didn't know he was married she will likely back off.  If there was something there relationship wise she will tell the cheating husband, then he has to make a decision. 

    I guess you see that there is ALOT more to know other than the obvious!LOL 

    The easiest thing to do is nothing.

  12. Daniel Carter profile image63
    Daniel Carterposted 14 years ago

    By not telling your friend, you are enabling him in his very bad behavior. But the price for telling your friend may be pretty big also. If you are prepared to lose the friendship, and perhaps face some personal drama over it, then you can tell her. If you put yourself in her shoes first, and see how it might feel in her situation, it will give you a lot of information on how to proceed or not at all.

    You might also consider what if she found out you knew but did nothing to tell her and warn her. That may also be as much drama as not doing anything.

    Eventually, whether you pull the plug on her husband or someone else, he'll be outed. This stuff doesn't stay buried forever.

  13. SimeyC profile image87
    SimeyCposted 14 years ago

    Wow what a dilemma, and only one in which you can truly answer. I’d consider the following:
    -Does she already know? It’s possible that she knows about the affair and encourages it – it’s fairly common believe it or not.
    -Are you 100% sure? – if not, then if it turns out to be false, then your friend will wonder what your motives were and probably wonder why you tried to break her marriage.
    -Have you confronted him? This would seem to be a good way out for you – if you confront him, then he may end up telling his wife – for me that would be the best solution.
    -Have you approached the woman – she may be unaware that he is married?

    You have to take a look at your friendship and work out whether she would want you to say something or not – it may damage your friendship, but if she really is a true best friend then she’ll see that you were trying to protect her and stay your friend.
    Generally, if it were me, I’d stay out of it – even though there may be deceit, it’s very hard to make comments on other peoples relationships without getting hurt or losing a friendship.

  14. Valerian profile image59
    Valerianposted 14 years ago

    I would. But only if someone wouldn't die or get seriously physically hurt as a result (e.g., if you know she is the type to shoot a cheating husband, or cut his thingy off...).

    I have heard mixed opinions on this topic.  Some people have told their friends, only to be hated because they were the messenger of bad news.  And others have told their friends, and their friends don't believe them, and then accuse them of trying to wrongly break them up (which ends friendships).  If you have a very close friendship with this girl, then I wouldn't worry about it.  However, I do know two girls who were best friends for 15 years, and they now hate each other for a similar thing. Regardless, I say don't worry about it -- because if trying to save your friend from a cheater is going to make her mad at you, then you don't want a friend like that anyway.

    Here's a good argument for telling her (in case she says, "Why did you tell me??!"): Cheating spouses can bring home diseases like AIDS and herpes; can make your friend feel stupid when she finds out for herself years later; can result in family finances being spent on flowers and hotel rooms for the other woman; and so much more.  If your friend doesn't even know she's being cheated on, then how can she decide on her own whether she wants to stay with the guy, or leave him?  Doesn't she deserve the right to make that choice on her own?  If other people are keeping her in the dark, then essentially, they are making that choice for her.

    I say -- honesty at all costs (except death or serious physical injury).

    Another way that might help you answer this question is: If the question were reversed, would you want your friend to tell you if your husband were cheating?  In other words, treat your friend how you would want her to treat you.

    Good luck.

  15. GNelson profile image60
    GNelsonposted 14 years ago

    She should know, but it will test your friendship.

  16. huck tooey profile image59
    huck tooeyposted 14 years ago

    If you really must stick your nose in it, then do this; Tell him to tell her,tell him if he doesn`t you will put it all on him this way you are off the hook.

  17. FreeSpirit18 profile image61
    FreeSpirit18posted 14 years ago

    If she was a great friend she would understand that you area just looking out for her well being. I would not get mad if you have told me something like that. And even if she did get mad, and stopped becoming your friend at least in the long run she would find out and know you were telling the truth.

  18. A Lady Like profile image61
    A Lady Likeposted 14 years ago

    You answered your own question - 'my friend'  - if she IS your friend than you really should not have found the need to ask others about whether or not you should tell her about her husband or not..... the truth always comes out in the end so eventually she WILL find out about her husband and then she will realise you knew.....and if you decide not to tell her now then she will not consider you a friend later for keeping her husbands secret to yourself.
    She will feel that you betrayed her trust by keeping her husbands secret from advice, tell her, but only if you know that her husband is fooling around 100% and be prepared for her to show anger, hurt, betrayal, humiliation and eventually she will realise that you were a true friend but expect the other emotions to surface first.
    Put yourself in her shoes.....what would you expect your friend to do for you?

  19. Jonathan Janco profile image60
    Jonathan Jancoposted 14 years ago

    I can understand your reluctance, but there are things you can do and still avoid telling her outright. Think of something you can do that would cause her to catch him. Sometimes, it really does pay to be sneaky.

  20. PeachFox profile image59
    PeachFoxposted 14 years ago

    Thats a pretty sticky situation that really needs to be gaged.  I think you would really have to be 100% positive that your friends husband is indeed having an affair and then you have to be 100% sure that you are able to deal with your friends reaction no matter which way it goes and believe me, it could go South real fast!  Perhaps you could somehow manage to meet your friend at the same location her husband and lover may be and let her "discover" it herself.

  21. profile image0
    subwaysadieposted 14 years ago

    If it were me, I would go talk to the Husband first. If he doesn't tell her himself, have proof before you risk your friendship, but remember that what she does with the information is totally on her.

  22. VideoGamesReport profile image61
    VideoGamesReportposted 14 years ago

    Wow, what a loaded question!  I once chatted with a friend about this topic.  It can be very tricky to decide to share this sort of information with a relative or close friend,  Some people want to know, while others do not and will be come angry with the person who revealed the information with them. They might also feel frustration and embarrassment that someone knows, what they hoped would remain unknown.

    If you are absolutely certain the affair is really going on, I would suggest following in the "flow" that is seemingly best for your friend at this time.  You might pursue discovering her flow by casually mentioning that you over heard a conversation while at work (Starbucks, etc) and the discussion was about whether to tell a friend...

    Her response is likely to give you some reasonable insight into how being the bearer or recipient of such news fits her preferences.

    Best wishes with this one!

  23. akirchner profile image92
    akirchnerposted 14 years ago

    Wow - it never has a happy ending unfortunately - you are totally screwed for telling them and you are totally screwed for not - so the question ends up being - how can you survive the friendship if you tell her the "obvious?" (as in most people would know and see the signs) If you tell her, you have to be prepared to be the "bad guy" because HE can't be in her eyes - at least not in the beginning.  I always think that anyone who has an affair is a species all their own and they need to do that anyway and will always do that - but they usually want to kill the messenger~!

  24. maudine_05 profile image60
    maudine_05posted 14 years ago

    I guess its better not to tell your friend about it and set up a plan because who knows she might really knew about this affair and just pretending to be blind, who can tell right? why not...bring your friend to the place where you caught her husband and his "other girl" so your friend or the wife can witness it herself and will just be "accidental" not coming from you and just be there to support her in their confrontation scene.....

  25. T.D. Mitchell profile image60
    T.D. Mitchellposted 14 years ago

    If you are any friend at all, let her know.  Would you want to know?  If my husband was having an affair and my friend knew it, I would hope my friend would tell me.  The wife will already feel betrayed when she learns of her husband's infidelity.  Does she also need to feel betrayed by her friend?

  26. Bail Up ! profile image60
    Bail Up !posted 14 years ago

    Either way you end up losing -
    I say "do not tell" she probably senses it anyway. Maybe you can set up a scenario for her to find out.
    I've found its better to steer clear from these scenarios.

  27. profile image51
    DebFreeposted 14 years ago

    You are damned if you do, and you are damned if you don't.

  28. theomzone profile image60
    theomzoneposted 14 years ago

    Absolutely - without a doubt - tell her.

    I've been that "friend"  - and no, I didn't believe it. 
    However, in the end the truth always comes out.  When that happened between my husband and I - when it finally all came out, it was very clear to me that the one person who'd tried to warn me earlier, might be one of the few people in my life I could trust.

  29. Auntie M profile image59
    Auntie Mposted 14 years ago

    If you are without doubt aware of an on going affair than your concern should be your friends health and not the security of your friendship or her reactions to the information. Unfortunately in todays world ones health becomes the primary concern. Aids is a killer and it is not pleasant to have to live being HIV positive.
    Now if you can figure a way to get her in for a physical including blood work, at least your conscience (this time) can be eased. Again I must imput the possibility that the husband may alway cheat with different partners and the percentages of getting HIV has now increased. .
    I myself ,having proof of the infidelity, would inform my friend giving her my reason and leaving it up to her to make the smart choice. My conscience would be cleared  and hopefully save a life which to me is more important than the relationship.

  30. WRKennedy profile image59
    WRKennedyposted 14 years ago

    Only you know your friend.  Also, only you know whether you have enough evidence to prove the affair.  Here are some possibilities:  you could warn your friend, you could tell the husband that people suspect him or you could do nothing but be ready to help your friend when she needs it.

  31. Marcus D Mays profile image59
    Marcus D Maysposted 14 years ago

    No, the best thing to do is to stay out of it, maybe she knows and then again she doesn't. But the best thing for yourself is to stay out of it, one cause if you tell her and she is the forgiving type your relationship with her will never be the same if she forgives him. Two if you tell her she will want to know how long you have known it and that will be a problem, depending how long so stand down.

  32. profile image52
    My Chosen Oneposted 14 years ago

    I thought you said your friend. If she is indeed your friend you have to tell her. However, you are truely going to put your friendship through the test of trial and tribulation. It's what makes or breaks true friendship. She will find out eventually anyway, and it will be worst if she finds out that you knew and did not tell her.

    You are in a tight situation ... because if she forgives her husband and sticks with him ... You can just about be certain that your name is "OFF" the Christmas list! I say tell her and be done with it. Besides what you do in the dark will soon come to light. This is always a fact.

  33. profile image0
    dracaslairposted 14 years ago

    id give it time and see if the husband will be caught because ,men do get do lie about cheating but,somehow get caught.there are sighns.go ahead and tell your friend so she can check things out.

  34. S Maxx Mahaffey profile image66
    S Maxx Mahaffeyposted 14 years ago

    I was actually faced with this situation. I caught my girlfriend's husband in their house with a young woman whom they had befriended and given her a place to stay.

    My girlfriend was at work and her husband was off that day. I went by their house to drop off the serving trays that I borrowed from her for a party I had the weekend before.  His car was in the driveway, and the other woman's car, which I didn't find that suspicious because she used to live with them, BUT it was in the middle of the day and my girlfriend was at work. 

    I knocked, but no answer. I kept knocking, but no one came to the door.  I started calling his name, her name, saying to them that I know you're in there, open this goddamn door right now. He finally opened the door, acting nervous, and the hallway door leading to the bedrooms was shut. He first lied that she wasn't even in the house.  He explained that she had dropped her car for him to take a look at.  When that lie fell apart, he tried to deny that anything was going on with them. But the other woman, whom I had grown to know and care about, came right out and admitted the affair to me.

    I was really hurt that they could do that to my girlfriend and torn about telling her something that would devastate her and mean the possible breakup of a 24-year old marriage.  I went home and contemplated what I was going to do.  Then it dawned on me, it was not my responsibility to tell was his.

    I called him up and told him that he had until one hour after she got off work to tell her that he was having an affair or I would tell her myself. 

    When she called me to tell me what had happened, I admitted to her that I already knew. I explained to her how I had caught them the day before and what I had told her husband.  He not disclosed to her that I had found them together. He lied to her  that the affair happened a year earlier but it was now over. 

    She thanked me for putting the responsibility back on him, but added that if I had not told her I had caught them together, she would have held it against me for knowing something like that and not telling her.

    So, my answer would be to confront him and tell him to tell her or you will.

  35. profile image0
    richard vaughnposted 14 years ago

    yes. the longer its left to go on, the bigger the hurt. A true friend would let her know. Those who don't are not true friends,  rather, they are moral cowards.

  36. profile image51
    catrbbeansmostwanposted 14 years ago

    This is the age of technology, let her eyes convince her.Grab your camera phone.and then, just be a friend.

  37. oluwafeyikemi profile image58
    oluwafeyikemiposted 14 years ago

    No, please don't because she is not going 2 believe you. Better still, lead her in such a way that she feels independent,save,secured. When this is done observe her for a while and see if she can stand up for herself. If she can, you should probably take her to the place where she can get him red-handed BUT; please don't tell her.

  38. Helen Cater profile image60
    Helen Caterposted 14 years ago

    I think it depends how sure you are. I would want to know, but I would like proof , and not just hear say. Do you know for sure that he has cheated? Did you see this with your own eyes? I have learned that people can be cruel, and make things up to rock the boat. If you were a real friend, you would take the risk. She may be hurt to start with, but make it clear to her that you had no choice as her friend to tell her this news. Better she knows now, as he may do this again. At least she then has the choice of what to do. The worst feeling is when she does find out, and she may well do, that she finds out you knew all along, and said nothing. I am afraid you are in a no win situation here, and it comes down to you at the end of the day. Hope it all goes well.

  39. Dim Flaxenwick profile image79
    Dim Flaxenwickposted 14 years ago

    Eeeeek !!!! No way. If your friend and her husband work things out she'll never speak to yyou again. It's a hard one I know from experience., but be very very careful if you don't want to lose your friend.

  40. privateye2500 profile image41
    privateye2500posted 14 years ago

    You could always send her an anonymous letter or email or simply make it obvious to her without coming right out and saying it.

    Over 80% of what we *say* doesn't come out of our mouths anyway.

    Plus, chances are, she may already know and simply be choosing to ignore it for now.  There is NO accounting for what or how people think - even the ones you think you know best.

    I would get involved in the least obtrusive way yet if you love her, let her know by one of the other means.  Keeps you out of the loop so to say.

  41. andromida profile image56
    andromidaposted 14 years ago

    I think it's the responsibility of a true person to let her friend know that her husband is deceiving her. You can do it either by indirect way or direct way depending on how much she trust and respect you. But, the key is your job is anyway send her the message of the affair.

  42. Disturbia profile image61
    Disturbiaposted 14 years ago

    No, you should not tell your friend her husband is having an affair.  She will only end up getting hurt and hating you for it. What you should do is mind your own business.

  43. profile image52
    blong72posted 14 years ago

    see if you can find out if he was spotted with the other woman and then ask your friend who the girl was her husband was with the other day... sneaky but could work getting the ball rolling

  44. Anamika S profile image69
    Anamika Sposted 13 years ago

    Yes, You should definitely tell your friend that her husband is having an affair even if you have to be a bad girl. If she comes to know later that you knew of the affair and hided it you are going to lose her as a friend anyway. So by revealing the truth you are at least trying to help her deal with the situation. However, if  you have some proof of his affair before talking to her that would be nice.

  45. Jersey Jess profile image60
    Jersey Jessposted 13 years ago

    Definitely tell her. She might not believe you. That might be because she just doesn't want to believe you.You need to tell her and let her know that you have her best interest in mind. And if you don't tell her, you'll regret it. And she might too.

  46. Swati Nitin Gupta profile image60
    Swati Nitin Guptaposted 13 years ago

    Yes, you should tell your friend. Having said that I must warn you of the consequences and they are:
    1. As your other friend said she won't believe you  and why should she? It is the man she loves you are talking about so why should she believe you without any proofs?
    2. She will stop talking to you or in worst situation will shut you out. Don't feel bad by her behaviour she is reacting to what you have told her. And now that the seeds of doubt have been planted in her mind she can see them growing.

    But when the truth comes out which eventually it will then she will realise that in all this chaos you are one of the few persons she can really trust and then she will need your complete support.

    So while you are contemplating whether or not to tell your friend please ensure that you have the mental stamina to go through all this.

  47. profile image49
    Greenwell, Greenposted 13 years ago

    Her husband could bring her the moon, and he would still have had this affair. There is nothing more intimate that trust. Take the laundry, air it out, and get it over with.

  48. profile image50
    shouston535posted 13 years ago

    I told my friend and I ended up  being the jerk.  She ended up asking my to leave and never come back!  I was so shocked and hurt I never went back.

  49. jaymessamu profile image61
    jaymessamuposted 13 years ago

    You should speak to the husband and have him tell her!!!! Most times your friend will not beleive you... and it's possible to lose a friendship over this issue.

  50. profile image50
    abby wooduceposted 13 years ago

    Be very certain before you drop the bomb. And if you do be prepared for the worse as most times she has a clue but doesnot want to rock the boat for many reasons. Children.income or past experiences that have pettered out.All of the cheated ons react differently and the best you can do is be a friend. You"ll know when the time is right.


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