I felt that it was best because if I felt that guilty it was better to open up to him..
Because you feel guilty is no reason to inflict pain on your husband.
To admit your affair could only deeply hurt your marriage.
After an affair is not the time to tell your spouse.
The time to say something is when you start feeling attracted to other men, before an affair begins.
Yeah I know that now, but never talked much in our relationship/marriage
it sounds like your relationship/marriage needs some work.
without communication, what do you have?
Why did you did it in the first place ? Are you bored ? Then end the relationship. But never tell. It will only cause pain.
Hey Katie, I guess you and I get to learn from one another again today.
You're comments on this particular topic is a bit frightening and a bit of a surprise.
So, please do explain your thinking behind not telling. It seems like breaking off the relationship, there will remain one question to answer? That is why end the relationship? If you end the relationship, then your partner has a right to know why, don't you think?
Are you going to compound your already dishonest action, by perpetuating it with another dishonest action?
Just curious...please indulge me.
Jules I did it I guess out of loneliness...lack of emotional support...
You are a very selfish person. For having an affair for one. And for hurting him to try to clear your conscience for another
Tony I didnt feel I was clearing my conscience I felt it was the right thing to do be honest with my husband..and when I told him the first thing he said was he forgives me because I came to him like a woman instead of him finding out another way, but I guess he really didn't forgive me
You need to tell him, your marriage is already based off infidelity, it'll be a lot worse when/if he figures it out from somebody else.
I must disagree here. If the affair is over, why would you confess all to your husband for him to feel the pain & sting of betrayal?
Let me use a couple of the 12 Steps, re-worded, as an example:
8. Make a list of persons we've harmed (because of our indescretion) and become willing to make an amends (to correct, make emotional payment for injury or loss)to them all.
9. Make direct amends to those we've harmed whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Wouldn't this injure your husband emotionally? Why not put it behind you and move on, concentrating on improvement in the relationship? Chances are, if the betrayed spouse has knowledge of the infidelity, then that creates a whole new healing process to take place. In some instances, the injured party may not be able to continue in the relationship. Why take a chance on losing it all if you're truly remorseful & repentant of the deed?
Think about it.
This creates a large spectrum of different situations. Mostly all we can do is to apply it to our own situations.
I tend to side with others that you have to be honest and open if you are going to contiue your relationship. I hope you are able to work it out and good luck.
If you told him to ease YOUR guilty conscience then you were wrong. If you told him to open communication & try to save your relationship then you were right. Only you can answer as to what the reason for telling him was.
It's the right thing to do ethically, but would probably end the relationship.
If you have cheated on your husband the real question you need to be asking is what caused you to do that in the first place.
I'm learning now of the MANY issues that I have had, but was never able to discuss...I thought telling him was the right thing
Discussing your relationship issues is the first thing to do, the affair will only cloud the water and block the relationship, if you want to mend the relationship work on the root causes first and see if it naturally moves toward sharing the affair...
If the affair is premarital then it's not necessary, but if it's postmarital it would damage your relation!
Ask Yourself This:
"What would a selfish, self centred person who is only thinking about themself after getting dumped do?"
Yes, you are wrong.
You should never tell, unless you want to hurt him on purpose.
You feel guilty now, but that is YOUR problem, not his. Think of it as the price you pay for being unfaithful.
If it helps, guilt only strikes once. I mean, only the first time you are unfaithful you feel guilty. After that guilt dissapears and only remains the pleasure
I agree with their advice - don't tell.
And then hope to h*ll that he doesn't find out from other people.
It depends on what is your intention for the future of your marriage. Do you want to stay married, or do you wish to end the relationship? If you want to stay married then your relationship obviously has issues that need to be addressed. If you and he can't work on the problems that exist then it's time to move on and one way to hasten that would be to tell him. Of course, you could just walk out on him and NOT tell him since telling them would have no point. Ok don't tell! No!
Honesty is always the best policy...It's unfair to lie to someone you should tell the truth even if it hurts at least you can start a clean slate rather than walking around with a guilty conscience which will only add more stress to teh relationship.If you were coward enough to violate the sanctity of your marriage or relationship then you should have the guts to come clean about it too...not telling your partner the truth will only create a false sense of security for them.
I have some experience with this as my husband has cheated on me, more than once. My first impluse is to say, if you have dropped your lover and you never intend to do this again, maybe not telling him will save him some heartache. On the flip side, if you don't tell him and he somehow finds out later, as I did, he will feel even more betrayed and will NEVER trust you again. It's the trust and the honesty issue you see.
If my husband had confessed that he had some moments of weakness for whatever reason, and told me he was sorry and wanted to stay in the relationship and work on the things that brought about the affair in the first place, at least he would have been honest and I might feel that I could evantually trust him again. But since he kept it a secret, I don't trust him as far as I can spit and I always wonder what he's doing.
So if you tell him, he might be hurt and mad at you, but at least he will not be a fool in his ignorance and he will know that, if nothing else, you were honest enough to tell him the truth and not hide your affair with more lies.
Disturbia...I played both sides over and over...and I also felt that telling help to seal that the other thing was over...He is very hurt and I hate that...I would like to take that away...and some days I wish I didn't tell but I thought it would help to be able to start thing over clean slate and build on what I saw we had...
I don't agree. We, men, don't want to know.Is bad for our ego. LOL
How bad would your ego feel if you found out months later that you have not only been cheated on, but lied to as well for all that time? Who knows, she might have even passed on some STD to you. She wants to tell, if she didn't, she wouldn't even be asking this question. She would be silent, keeping her secret, and probably planning her next affair.
LOL. I use protection ! So no STD for me. It seems you don't understand men. We don't want to know! And if we eventually know, well, we will continue with the cheating. LOL
With all due respect, you are not "all men", you are one man. Not all men feel as you do, even though I may agree with your view point.
The are a huge number of possibilities and reasons for the various aspects of cheating and for confessing/not confessing. To me, it depends on where the relationship is now and where it's headed, and how to resolve the problems. The idea of having no morals about not telling a spouse about cheating isn't entirely true. Morals were supposedly broken by cheating in the first place, so the question is, based on your morals and values, what is going to bring you the most resolve and peace? And are you ready for the consequences of whatever that means to you?
The first two responses by thisisoli and Deborah, I agree with most.
I'm an average man, so I think 80% of males will agree with me.
Funny that most of the people disagreeing with your opinion are the male users...:]
The ladies are in more accordance (cringe) with your perspective. Interesting.
Don't tell? Wow...I think I'd be 10x more pissed if I find later you f'd around and didn't tell me whilst I slept with you.
Secrets are no fun, and if an affair wasn't bad enough in a marriage, finding out later would make it worse imo.
With people having affairs in general, and being dishonest 'to save from pain' I don't see the point of marriage these days anyhoo. Cheating seems 'ok' if you don't tell.
I have to agree with this. Essentially, my first instinct was to not tell.
But then again, what if the husband finds out from other people? How will he feel? On top of feeling cheated and betrayed, he will also feel like he was made a fool in the eyes of the public (last to know and all that).
Or is this a risk worth taking, not telling him just to ensure he will not be hurt while at the same time praying that he won't find out from other people? Or if he finds out from other people, praying that he won't listen to them because he trusts his wife?
Unfortunately it is. And I'd like to point out that these questions were not originally from me. They came from my husband when I asked him about this. So no, not all guys don't want to know. My husband would (but then again, I'm not thinking of cheating him ).
Exactly, I would have been hurt, but not nearly as angry with my husband if he had told me about his cheating. I found out from a "friend" that he was on a website that helped married people find other married people to have adult fun with, discretely of course. You can not imagine my humiliation. It was the dishonesty and being made a fool of that hurt the most. The actual cheating was insignificant in comparison. We have both been married several times before, it's not like he hasn't slept with women other than me, but to go behind my back and make me a fool, that is almost unforgivable, so I stick with my original comments on this subject and I say... tell, tell, tell.
ok...so I did the right thing in that aspect, but he said we would work it out....why does it feel like he is not working on things
It honestly does depend on the direction of your relationship...if the affair was something you feel is over and do not wish to repeat and you are happy with the relationship then I suggest you not tell him...however the fact that you did have an affair suggests unhappiness...take some time to figure out what you want before you tell him if you choose to. It might help you prepare for his reaction.
You blew it - you live with it. If you feel guilty, tough. Why dump you're mistake on him? To tell him would be the height of selfishness.
Hey Madame X, do you care to explain this?
The height of selfishness? How?
Being honest with her husband is seen as selfishness? In what reality?
If I had an affair it would break my husband's heart. If I felt guilty about it, because it was wrong of me to have an affair and betray my husband's trust in me, then I would have no business easing my pain over it by hurting him. Because that is exactly what it would do.
So should I go and hurt him, very badly, just so I don't have to suffer the consequences of my own stupid behavior?
Honesty is the best policy. Secrets do more damage if not revealed. So, yes, you are to do the damage, so he can heal from it and you can figure out what to do from that point on.
What you are talking about isn't in the best interest of him, by keeping it from him. It is selfish to keep it to yourself.
Not telling him is so the woman would be able to negate responsibility for her action. That is selfish aspect as well.
Is she an adult?
Then she doesn't need to tell the world, or her husband, to take responsibility within herself. The only way to have a genuine, deep and caring relationship with someone else is have your primary relationship be with yourself. Once you're square with yourself it becomes possible to admit to yourself when you're wrong, and then live with it. This is between her and herself. To dump it on him would be selfish.
She has a responsibility to her damn marriage and/or partner.
Yes, you are right. And, if you are not HONEST with yourself, first and foremost, and come clean then you are valueless in every other aspect of your life.
To dump it on him??????????? It is a relationship or do you not know the meaning of that word?
Honest between each other is where LOVE grows from. Enough said.
That's why she shouldn't tell him.
Yes, to DUMP IT on him. In a relationship, your partner comes FIRST. A cheater obviously doesn't get this idea the first time around, so then they want to compound the issue by crying "poor me, look what I did - and now you have to help me get over it - waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
Being an adult means that sometimes you just swallow the pain of acting like a jerk.
As I said, the word relationship and it's foundation escapes you. No problem.
Your assumption is condescending at best. No wonder you would advocate easing your own pain for your own mistake at someone else's expense
Only you are seeing that way, but your words prove my point.
Honesty is truth and if it hurts, so be it. If you cannot handle truth or honesty, then say that. Don't try pawning your insufficient understanding, as me being condescending. It's a foolish act. And, not to mention, selfish in and of itself.
It is an assumption on your part.
"It is a relationship or do you not know the meaning of that word?"
And yes, it is condescending of you to say so.
"Don't try pawning your insufficient understanding, as me being condescending. It's a foolish
act. And, not to mention, selfish in and of itself."
What are you so touchy about that you need to resort to insult? Because we disagree I have "insufficient understanding"? Or is there, perhaps, more depth to my position than you may want to consider?
I told you an aspect of a relationship and then I asked if you understood the word? That is not condescending. DUH!
Secondly, you are giving bad advice. PERIOD! As for understanding what a relationship is...your words prove you do not. You find it an insult, then get over yourself would you please, you are doing more damage than even you realize.
You are giving bad advice. You are a woman and can't understand the situation. Men don't want to know.
No, they don't. I've learned at least that much about men over the years.
That is your opinion and you are entitled to it. I don't agree with it.
What I don't understand is why you feel the need to call a different opinion "bad". Most people understand the concept of not hurting another because of their own mistake. If you don't, then you don't. I don't have need or desire to diss your position because of it.
I understand secrets and the pain they cause I been there....trying to cover things cause you feel you are protecting feelings...It doesn't always work out that way...
Cags, I don't think that means she would negate her responsibility. It was a selfish act to begin with. She's taking accountability by acknowledging it was a huge mistake, taking action by recognizing it was wrong, and being responsible for making sure it never happens again. (I assume the OP has done this) I just feel that it doesn't do any good to hurt him too. The damage was done to the morality of the one who strayed. That in itself, I believe, is direct damage to the one who inflicted it.
Anyhow, that's just my opinion. It's up to her as an individual to do what feels right in her heart. And if it feels right in her heart to spill the beans, then so be it for her, but I personally think it's a mistake.
Don't agree at all. The truth can be used as a weapon too. Telling him in the name of "honesty" is just another way to not take responsibility for doing something shitty. Let him be. And then get your act together.
I am just surprised there are so many people who seem to be fine with this. Ignoring it or agreeing to not let the husband know is crazy, especially if she brought up the topic, there is some part of her that wants to let it out.
"Protection" is not 100%. If there is any chance that you've picked up something and passed it on to him, as your behavior has put his health as well as yours on the line, he has a right to know, and you have a responsibility to be honest with him.
Even so, keeping secrets is bad for any relationship. I firmly believe the truth will out eventually.
And get tested.
depends. one night stand - no; but don't do it again. longer? hmmmm....he probably already knows or senses something is wrong unless he doesn't know you well if you haven't been in a relationship very long. but...if you truly know each other, he'd sense the change - basically your guilt. And..it's hard to cover up guilt - some people act very differently around those they've deceived/betrayed. talking about it provides a chance to turn your marriage around into something strong or it's smashed to pieces and it could be difficult to pick the pieces up. depends too on whether the affair is over. if not and you tell, both of your worlds will probably be ripped apart and you could run to the person who shouldn't have touched in on your life in the first place. too many ifs about the affair, etc. The affair is usually only a symptom of problems in a marriage. Problems that can be repaired if 2 people are strong together. People in loooonnng marriages have gone through their rough times - it wasn't always smooth - it can look that way however. my 2 cents..
Surprised!!! Finally someone to bring up the fact he probably already picked up on the changes or sensed the guilt...I felt that too.
My husband has been thru SO much that I felt in my heart that we had to be able to rise above this and be strong...everything happens for a reason and with all that was being swept under the rug on my end something was bond to happen to shake things up...(NO EXCUSES)
I agree with you so much...and I say this too him many ppl go thru their different problems no relation on marriage is perfect but you learn how to work thru things what needs to be addressed what needs to be left alone...it's give and take...one person can't feel as if they are the ones doing all the giving it takes it's toll ( personal experience). Point being communication is key in any relationship. My husband and I didn't have the lines of communication opened the way they need to be. I called myself trying to share the issues I was having and what I felt I needed from him in the relationship in a way not to hurt his ego or upset him cause I don't like conflict but it wasn't working and who knows what issues he had with me...Marriage/relationship are alot of hard constant work...you have to be willing to do the work all the time...
if her conscience bugs her, she should tell him the truth. whatever will happen will happen. it all up to her what she wants to gain from telling him the truth. She may want to build her marriage or scatter it. I wish her husband patience and understanding.
What good will it do???
Make you feel better and him like crap, then you can blame him for being angry and over reacting and make everything his fault????
Don't be stupid.............
Unless he will find out........ then best to tell him, better to come from you than from everyone else...
It is dishonesty in it's purest form and since you cannot see that. I'll leave it at that.
Did I say that you were dishonest. NO! Quit turning it to suit your own agenda and skewed view. Yes, there is more too it than that, but honesty is the basis for our own integrity and if you like to keep secrets then you are dishonest, because you are hiding something from the one you are suppose to love.
You should seriously take a step back and realize that yes there is more to it and that you do not have a handle/grasp on the larger picture. Enough said. this is getting boring.
how long was the affair? was it more emotional than sexual?
how long have you been married?
those are all variables that would affect whether you should or shouldn't tell.
have you worked through your own issues of why? guilt won't be relieved by your partner. that has to come from someplace within you and accepting you made a mistake.
if you have been married for a long time, you know your partner and how he will react or respond.
your partner needs to be able to trust you as well as you need to be able to trust yourself. what does the relationship mean to you?
with disclosure, many marriages work it out, but in your case where there is no or hardly any communication, it sounds like a very weak foundation for any relationship to work.
from first contact via internet (it was an ex I had seen in over 17yrs) to telling him I was done...5months
It for sure wasnt sexual ....I'm super happy with my husband there...it was all emotional...I wanted hugs and how was your day with kisses...call during the day at work just checking in on you...surprise lunch visits....after 16yrs in a relationship and 3 children I felt my husband forgot about me...
And as far as the foundation goes I know without a shadow of doubt it was built on LOVE...it doesn't get stronger than that...
Everyone that is telling you not to tell is a moraless (without morales) person. First of all by cheating on your husband you gave away the most sacred thing shared between married peoples, to someone outside of the relationship. One: that is morally and ethically wrong. Two: It is something that a weak person would do. Not to make you feel bad but oh well.
Your husband deserves to know what you did so he can make a decision on whether or not he wants to keep you. He deserves at least that, sure it will hurt him but he is already hurt by your selfish action, just to know will make him aware of the hurt. He may find in his heart that the damage can be repaired or not, the choice is his. If he found out later from someone else then he would be hurt even more because you didn't have the intestinal fortitude to do the right thing after such a hurtful wrong. I hope this helps and remember I am not attacking you, just laying out the facts for you.
You want to add something else to the conversation? Probably not, considering you've already voiced your opinion, so now you must be trolling?
Your insinuation of laughing at what I said, shows you're not of the same clarity as Katie or even myself. So, of course you laugh. Nice to see that you have no self-control. Thank you, I just learned something else about you. Much appreciated.
there is no real way to answer this question unless we see pictures taken of this infidelity while it was occurring
As I've been following this thread, it occurs to me that you really need to follow your own heart and look to your husband's personality for clues if you should tell or not. Everyone is giving you advice, but the fact is, none of us knows your husband. We have no idea what kind of man he is. He may be the type who wants to know, or he may not want to know. Only you know him well enough to make the choice if you should tell or not. I for one would always want to know, but that's just the kind of person I am. Someone else might never, ever want to know. Trust your own judgment in this matter.
Yes he said he was glad I told him...the after affect now is not so great to deal with...he jumps back and forth from being ok planning future things and working it out (with not really working it out cause he won;t talk about things) to just having an attitude not talking...closing me out...that was one of the problems to begin with him shutting my out...when he was really sick and in and out the hospital I was there faithfully like NO ONE ELSE befor we were even married...he would at times get so mood and cold towards me...what Im told thats something that ppl with chronic illnesses go thru they lash out their "why Me' feelings of frustration and everything else on the ones closest to them..so needless to say I stated in the line on fire...JUST like NOW....but I Love him in spite of this...
I thought that she said that she already told him and wanted to know if she did the right thing in your/our opinion.
Been a coupla days; she may already have the right answer as to if she should have????
Didn't read todays posts so excuse me if I missed something.
Well, i reckon you have found that puttin' the cat back in the bag is a whole lot harder than lettin' it out.
if you both want it to work, it can work, but it will take time. forgiveness doesn't mean it will be easy. maybe it would be best to go to a counselor or a pastor if you belong to a church. you have to regain his trust. don't worry about what he's not doing, just concentrate on how you can make it better. sometimes when a person feels betrayed, learning to trust again is difficult, but not impossible. good luck, I hope you can make it work. there's nothing you can change about what happened, only you can change yourself.
it IS hard to trust again. but possable, if the "untrustworthy" peroson will have patience with the hurt person. and the hurt person really means it when they say they forgive.
counseling is a very good idea.
I want counseling but I have to wait on him right now I guess..when he mentioned counseling I was still very confused about what was going on between us and how we got here and I blew it off...now he refuses saying he is not doing it now just because i want to...I Love him but he is super stubborn and can be childish I'm seeing more and more...we relocated and thats a problem he is not opened to the church I go to here if we were back home he would have gone for counseling a long time ago....I know it's not impossible just SO SO HARD...almost discouraging sometimes...
I agree with most others, that it's better for your husband if you don't tell him. You'll have to suffer your feelings of guilt on your own.
Of course, if your husband is likely to find out about the affair anyway, it's better he hears it from you rather than somebody else.
Hope things work out for you.
I would not tell your husband about the affair unless you want out of the marriage. Most men can't handle it and will turn to divorce. I wanted out of the marriage and didn't know how to end our 20 year relationship so I told him. It worked. He filed for divorce. Interestingly enough though he did cheat on me a few times before we were married but according to him that didn't count because we weren't married.
I'll also note that divorce is brutal and I would wish it upon anyone. If you can make it work I would try counseling or whatever else it takes to keep things intact. Not sure if you have kids but if you can work on it for their sake you could come out with a stronger marriage and rekindling of the feelings that were there when you married. If you do want out and a divorce do it sooner rather than later for the sake of the kids. The younger the kids are the better.
I don't think that telling alleviates your guilt or pain. On the contrary, it compounds it. Now you suffer the additional guilt and pain by seeing what it does to your partner. No one can answer this question with the correct response because everyone is different. Opinions vary greatly as to matters of the heart, some would want to know, some would not. You are the only one who knows your spouse, and only you can answer whether he would want to know or not.
Yes. But there are consquences from this. This causes divorce and hatred upon each other. This is your choice. I would think about it a lot before you do tell or you dont tell.
TELL HIM!! Get it off your chest! Trust me, I was the kid of a divorced family, and if my dad showed an ounce of willingness to repair the marriage, my life and my brother and sister's life would have been a thousand times easier. You have to genuinely want to remain faithful, but telling the truth is much better than letting him find out from someone else
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