How do u leave-when u cant leave? I cant leave my kids behind...

1. 77

   H.C Porterposted 15 years ago

   My week is getting better and better. 6 months ago a complaint was reported to CPS---against me. The investigation took place-and I was cleared-and the case was closed at the end of September. My husband was also investigated-but the initial complaint was against me. I thought it was my ex employer cruel game---but after this morning, when CPS called because they couldn’t find the house---it has been discovered a 2nd complaint was made...against me, I’m thinking it was not my old employer.
   
   First complaint was insane- it suggested that I neglect my children because I am heavily into meth...Which I am not-but the investigation took place anyway.
   
   This morning CPS went to visit my children at the day care-they called my husband, and will meet with him later. I have not been contacted at all. This is because the complaint that is now a CPS Investigation is against me, for domestic violence. Which is not true either? I am screwed... If I leave-being that I am the parent under investigation- I will have to leave them behind, until it is proven that I am not a danger to their lives... I am the unfit parent...
   
   My husband conveniently sent off the form to have his name removed from the file of the first investigation---but he just so happened to forget to include mine in that envelope.
   
   As crazy as I may sound- I am now considering the worst- and thinking the worst about my husband. Is he capable of unthinkable manipulations---Should I tell myself to shut up cause if I believe what I have rationalized in my head-I’m totally insane/or should I just go with my thought-because even if I’m wrong, I am thinking this way for a reason. I feel like he has either made the complaints-or knows who has (his mommy)?
   The only way he can take custody away from me is to prove me to be unfit as a mother...???
   
   I more or less feel like I have completely lost my mind?

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      BJCposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Definitely mind games.  Agree, get a lawyer and keep track of everything that takes place.  Yes, it could be your husband (ex), it does happen that a spouse, or soon to be ex, plans these events to try to make you seem like your crazy.  You're not!  Don't even think about leaving your kids - you will regret it and may never get them back.  Stay focused.

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   Dame Scribeposted 15 years ago

   A paper  trail is very important and would highly suggest that you keep notes, date and times getting reported upon by somebody for imaginary crimes is very stressful especially when involved with our children.

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      H.C Porterposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      paper trail? Arent any notes I take- just another example of my word against his?

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         darksideposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         If you do as Dame Scribe suggests then it's a lot easier to look up those details when you need them instead of trying to recall them from memory when you're at your most stressed.
         
         Start now, writing down significant events and places and times that relate to the matter at hand. Do it on the computer, and be sure to back up your work. If the time comes to go to court you can copy and paste those details into an affidavit or statutory declaration or whatever it is that you have wherever you are.
         
         Also quote what people have said. It might be your word against theirs, but if you retell what you've heard, and not hearsay, a judge or magistrate can get a clearer picture.
         
         Even if it's not word for word, you can still get it as close as possible. But don't write like this (this is just an example okay):
         
         * He reckoned I was out all night and I was doing drugs. But I wasn't.
         
         Write it like this:
         
         * He said "Have you been out all night? Have you been doing drugs?"
         
         * I responded "No I haven't. I went to the supermarket and bought aspirin because I had a headache, and I came straight home".
         
         You don't need a lawyer. But if you can afford one or get a decent one pro bono, do so. Otherwise you can represent yourself. And if you can see examples of the style that other affidavits have been written, do so. Even if you get a lawyer to represent you, be very hands on and ask lots of questions (when you're with them, don't be ringing up all the time with separate questions, they'll bill you mercilessly for phone calls too). Try and do as much of their job as you can. They're going to bill you top dollar anyway, but don't just go along for the ride thinking they'll have all the answers and do all the right things.
         
         So do as Dame Scribe has suggested. The person with the most organised and detailed report will be at an advantage.

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   The Ropeposted 15 years ago

   Make an appointment with CPS managers, sit down and talk with them, let the meet you and have a rational, quiet conversation asking them to explain their processes and how you can best handle the situation.  Rational conversations and relations that have been set up carry a lot of weight with child services.

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      H.C Porterposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Ok-I need to recollect my thoughts. Why would they not yet make an effort to meet with me, but one to meet with my husband and my children?

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         The Ropeposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Wrong thought process.  Whomever is doing this already has a relationship with someone in the office or at least with the system.  You need to make the effort.  That you took the time and made the effort - without becoming hysterical - will give you credibility.  Their job is based in responses not really in overall investigative techniques.  I know it's a sad way of doing things but everyone I've known that found themselves in this situation had good luck with making the first move.  I do wish you well, it sounds like a horrible experience.  Don't forget your local battered women's shelter either, they can help you, this is psychological violence.

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   PabstPenroseposted 15 years ago

   Can't you do a drug test, which would totally end the meth discussion?

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      H.C Porterposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      already did- and that part of it is closed...
      Now its about me being abusive towards my husband while the kids watch...which can cause them emotional and mental stress. This of course, has never happened---I refuse to fight or raise my voice to yell while they are around

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   Poppa Bluesposted 15 years ago

   Yeah it could be your husband setting himself up for custody because that way he won't have to pay YOU child support. You have to clear your name with CPS and then get a lawyer, and get out! Well at least, that's what I would do.

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      H.C Porterposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I cant afford a lawyer...I guess this could be considered another crazy twist---but our money, is not my money. My name is not on the account...When I walk- I walk with my car and im hoping the kids---that is all. My name is not on bank account-not on mortgage loan/nothing is considered mine.

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         dejajolieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         If you are married legally than it's still yours.

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            H.C Porterposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            we are not... i use his name-we introduce ourselves as married-been living together and sharing financial responsibility for 5 years- we file our taxes together...but we dont have a marriage license, so we are just considered common law.

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         Stimpposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         What state do you live in?  And, wouldn't it be easier to file a legal separation?  In that way, it doesn't matter who's name is on what....in a divorce, it doesn't matter who's name is on what especially if it's a no-fault state which makes it a 50/50 split.  Either way.....just your "husband" saying that you are abusive is not good enough in court.  Where's the proof?  Are there police reports?  Are there hospital/clinic records?  In the end, the truth will come out regardless of what is going on now.

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            Stimpposted 15 years agoin reply to this

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   PabstPenroseposted 15 years ago

   My sister is dealing with something like this. About a year and a half ago, my sister split from her boyfriend. They had a daughter together, which is almost thirteen now. The boyfriend had a daughter in a past, who was also living with them. She's almost twenty one.
   
   My sister 'Shelley' got a place a few miles away from the boyfriends' house, and the kids moved with her. The boyfreind 'Ron' has been disrespecting the kids since. He'd put the kids on his phone plan, get pissed, and then turn their accounts off. That's happened a few times now. He's gotten a lawyer, accusing her that she's not fit to handle the kids, seeing that her job isn't one of the highest paying. He calls Shelley in the middle of the night, drunk and harassing her.

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      H.C Porterposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      goes to show that the people we decide to trust-love and devote ourselves to, can so easily turn out to be the ones who can do the most damage. to think-last week I was in love-this week, cant seem to get my feet on the ground...

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   rebekahELLEposted 15 years ago

   the above advice is important and I would be very careful with your online activity. hope everything works our for you.
   
   don't overthink yourself into a situation you are not in. stay calm and do whatever it is that needs done. is there someone there who can help you?

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8. 77

   H.C Porterposted 15 years ago

   just talked to my husband-and he says this isnt his doing--
   i heard the sincerity in his voice/ and i believe him... so with that said, i guess the only thing to do is talk to them. Neither of us are hysterical people-and of course we have some issues we are dealing with, buti am for now attempting to deal with things little by little- we arent beating each other-and we have always made it a point that when the kids are around, we dont argue. So I am hoping that this is going to be handled with that being the bottom line.
   He did apoligize for his behavior-and said the first real, Im sorry, explaining his words were unjustified as were his actions- he admitted to really messing up and it being no fault of my own... He said, 'Although he knows I am still thinking things over-but if I find a moment-he'd really like to sit down together and see some of my work, and he would like to see if we can start over, so he can get to know me again'. 'whatever it takes, that is what he said to me before we hung up the phone.
   As for me---one day at a time

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9. 0

   cosetteposted 15 years ago

   it seems to me that if someone is going to file a complaint against someone serious enough to merit a visit to their children, this person can't do this anonymously, otherwise any Tom Dick or Harry could do this to anyone they were annoyed with. why can't you ask CPS who filed these claims against you? also aren't you entitled to read the claim(s) against you? many cities have FREE legal clinics where you can go for advice.
   
   you need an ally.
   
   and if your partner is sincere about working things out with you make him justify your faith in him by putting everything in BOTH YOUR NAMES.

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      lrohnerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Lesson for the day, Cosette. They can. And they do. DCFS, or whatever it's called in your area, actually encourages and protects anonymous calls.

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10. 69

    lrohnerposted 15 years ago

    Good Lord, been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. My ex-hubby reported me to DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services) THREE times as I was raising our three children alone and without child support. Not sure why he did it, since he voluntarily gave up custody and never sought it again. I'm pretty certain that he was just out to make my life miserable and didn't care if he hurt the kids. On different occasions, they were hauled away by sheriffs, made to strip and be filmed in case there were signs of abuse, etc.
    
    If you're doing everything right, don't worry about it. Cooperate with the investigation and then ignore it just as I did. It's horribly embarrassing to have your kids' pediatrician and teachers called to investigate you, but it is what it is. Again, if you're doing right by the kids you have nothing at all to worry about. They even contacted my neighbors and relatives!
    
    I received letters from all of the case workers in all of the investigations stating that I was a fit and exemplary mother. I think they did that to stop my hubby as my lawyer said that the next time he did it, he could be sued/prosecuted for reporting frivolously.

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    Mishaposted 15 years ago

    Oh, poor girl. I would say get a lawyer, now, even if you can't afford them. Put this on credit cards, whatever. You can default later. Such a case is worth it, it's not like buying a bigger car. And stop posting details on the Internet. This sounds serious, and needs a serious approach. Whomever is after you, you need legal help. Good luck.

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    Leta Sposted 15 years ago

    All good advice from everyone. 
    
    The one thing I would say is get some credit in your name--no matter how this turns out.  Have a separate bank account from your partner.  I never did get this kind of thing.  A woman needs to have a life of her own. Security is money and relying on yourself for it--not on a man.  Not doing this is just giving someone control over you if something bad does happen, you fall out of love and/or things get ugly.
    
    This isn't being cynical--just level headed.  It should be done even if things in your relationship are going great...at least, I believe so.

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       ledefensetechposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Good advice, I've always believed you should have personal accounts and credit.  You never know, after all.

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    thranaxposted 15 years ago

    Wow @ that story. I hope the best for you!
    
    ~thranax~

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