Ex is still with mistress after 3 yrs

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  1. wifelv profile image61
    wifelvposted 13 years ago

    My ex had an affair with married women and they are still together after it all began 3yrs ago. Our divorce was final 3 months ago. They are now living together. I keep waiting for them to get back what they gave out, but it seems to be taking a long time. She will not let him talk with me or see me. She is highly jealous and the last time they saw me in public she was elbowing him to leave. My son age 15 lives with him is now acting out real bad. And our daughter refuses now to see her dad. So I suspect the fuzzy feelings will quickly be smoldered by the reality of a rebellious teen and angry daughter. Has any one had an affair like this and how long did it take to end? Or did it?

    1. the pink umbrella profile image76
      the pink umbrellaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      i dont know what your expecting to happen. They obviously fell in love, and are now together. It seems as though you dont think it will last, and i really hope you arent using your kids to get back at your ex husband. I am truely sorry it did not work out for you, but your just going to have to accept their relationship. If living over there is a bad environment for your son, if it is changeing his personality, he should probably live with you. Your daughter has every right not to speak to him, after all, he didnt just cheat on you, he cheated on your whole family. Shame on him for not ending your relationship before entertaining a new one. But you need to show your children your maturity and strenght now more than ever. My mom did it, and it took awhile, but she is doing very well.

      1. the pink umbrella profile image76
        the pink umbrellaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        oh, and if the affair started or even just sparked 3 years ago, its not an affair any longer, its a relationship. If it were 3 months ago, id say give it a few more months, but they obviously are thinking about their relationship in the long term. If shes married, its likely she wont be for long.

    2. Idoknot profile image61
      Idoknotposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Trust me..... KARMA is a powerful woman and she will prevail. I have been there,done that and got the t shirt. Can tell you are still having some issues with his past. It's time for you have a Single Celebration and find romance for yourself. A leopard NEVER changes it's spots so good riddence cheater. You are a beautiful woman and will find your prince. As for the kids, they will be fine. Your son will come back to you when he see the realization. Never give up on him and you will see most of this is just typical teen behavior. Hang in there and remember "It's Fun To Be One!"

    3. wifelv profile image61
      wifelvposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Idoknot!  5 weeks later I can say that your prediction was on target.  I guess I needed to vent and let it out...After I did the stars began to shine bright back at me.
      My mom said, "one day you will look back and wonder why the hell you even allowed him space into your cerebral cortex." 
      Now, I am laughing and thinking exactly that.  I could care a rats ass about him and have been so free to think about many other more important things.  The weird part is...now they want to come back.  Hell could freeze over twice before this lady would allow herself to be duped again.
      Thanks everyone for your support!  I saved myself a ton in psychiatry fees.

    4. couturepopcafe profile image60
      couturepopcafeposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I haven't read anyone else's responses to this question and I'm not going to but I will ask you to ask yourself why you care about whether or not they are together?  Except for the kids' sake, let the jack a_ _ go.

    5. profile image54
      Digging 2 Gravesposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      I just wanted to thank you for posting this. My husband had an affair on me, with a woman we work with, and our divorce just became final this month. Not only did we all work together, she was my friend - and it was our 14 year old son who discovered it when he saw sexually explicit photos of them on his dad's phone.... Photos that were taken on my birthday, while we were on a work trip in Cabo.
      I lost everything over this affair. The rug was pulled out from underneath me and within a month I lost my job, my husband of 16 years, ALL the money I ever earned over the last 8 year we'd been working together ( the owner of the company paid my husband for my work and that money was put into an account my name never got added too), which also resulted in me being denied any unemployment benefits since there was no record of me earning any money since 2007... I couldn't even afford to put food on the table for my kids.
      It's been a year now and both have refused to even have ANY adult conversation with me so that I can have some closure or at the very least an apology. She actually tried taking a Harrassment t order out in me because when I found out, she refused to take any of my phone calls, so I sent about a dozen choice texts - half of them asking my husband to respond to his children because he abandoned them and wouldn't return their messages either. I listen to them cry themselves to sleep for 37 nights straight. It all became too much...
      So, I tried to do the right thing and went on an antidepressant when all this first came about, but then my husband canceled our health insurance and I ended up having to go off of it cold turkey - which ultimately resulted in me having a nervous breakdown and being hospitalized. I am still so humiliated and hurt and I fear that I will never be happy again so long as he is with her. I don't want him, don't get me wrong but I do want a good relationship for our kids sake and it seems the only time that happens is when they break up but then the moment they get back together he is horrible again. I am deeply religious and pray for them, and my kids, and myself  but it feels as though all of this pain is never going to end. I suppose it wouldn't hurt as bad if he wasn't so awful to me, but he is. It's like he is a complete stranger and it's so painful to think that our entire marriage was a joke and to feel like he couldn't care less about me. At one point he even told me to go kill myself? How could possibly not care at all about me? I feel like I'm crazy and never knew him. Better yet, how could he possibly be angry at me????

  2. jaymelee23 profile image66
    jaymelee23posted 13 years ago

    You should count your blessings that you are rid of that cheater. Let her have him. The reason she acts that way (jealous) is that she knows what he is capable of - cheating. It's insecurity. Things always have a way of working themselves out for the best and you need to tell yourself that. Just focus on yourself and your two kids. That's what is important. I know that it probably still hurts for you. I wouldn't talk to your ex unless it has to do with your kids. Let him have his life and you have yours. Don't ever talk about your ex in a negative manner around the kids. If he is a jerk of dad they will find out for themselves. Just be very involved with your kids and do things with them. Try and make things normal as possible for them - those are who you need to focus on. I speak from experience similar to yours.

    1. the pink umbrella profile image76
      the pink umbrellaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      very wise, i agree completely.

      1. wifelv profile image61
        wifelvposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        Thanks: Yes, they both should have divorced prior to hooking up. I was married for 14yrs and we did have a good marriage. He lost his job and during that  time he fell apart. His mother had affairs and I do believe he is acting exactly like she did. I don't believe that people who have affairs are in real "Love".  I have met to may women who have been cheaters who say other wise.  Some have been friends.  Love begins when you love yourself. You can not give what you don't have. My ex was not happy with himself. His mistress is on her 3rd broken marriage due to extra marital affairs. They are a train wreak waiting to happen. As far as the kids go. He has been the one alienating our kids. He and his mistress have brainwashed my son to such a degree that he has not talked to me in 3 months. I am a very very good mom and Alienation of affection is what people to do get back at a spouse.  I have taken the high road and it was difficult to do.  Yet, I knew in the long run my kids will see the truth and one day my son will call me and see who has been there for him.  My daughter did not give in to the manipulation and temptations offered her to side with her dad.  She is very bright.   I found out that the mistress has a history of alienating the kids from the mother.  She did the same thing with her last husbands kids in effort to secure her position in his life.  I don't care if she has my ex, I would never take him back. I just hurt because my kids are being damaged by this whole thing.  I don't talk to him, she will not let him email or talk to me anyway, even to discuss things about the kids.  I have not spoken to him since our divorce in May.  So, I wish things could be mature but they are not wiling to be.  So you can see why I am struggling with seeing them get what they gave out.   When I first found out about the affair she told me, "too bad you can't keep your husband."  She is a mean bitch and seeks out to take men who are not hers as a thrill.  My ex is too dumb to realize that he is in for the ride of his life...He is addicted to her and she clearly controls him completely.  Just like her ex.  By the time she was finished with her ex he was emasculated and wanting out.  He deserved it cuz he cheated on his wife with her.  So what comes around does go around, mark my word.  Never forget that Pink Umbrella.  You destroy your soul by having affairs.  MY ex's mother is now dead...she died with in a few months after learning about her son's affair.  She never repented for her acts!  The word of God says that those who commit adultery will truly die.  I know several people who have had their lives cut short who have committed adultery.  All the women believed they were in love and special. They also believed that the wife was a bitch and that the man was in an unhappy marriage.   Men who cheat say this all the time.  I have over this past 2 month had married me approach me.  None had a ring on and when I asked if they were married, they paused and smiled...Thinking I would over look that part of their lives.  I am seeing this from both ends.  Thanks for your input, I do appreciate it.  (  :

        1. the pink umbrella profile image76
          the pink umbrellaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          ewe, thats skeevy not to wear your ring and to approach a woman knowing full well that they might be uncomfortable even talking to you if they saw any sign that you were taken. Gross. Id turn them down so bad, they'd never leave home without the ring again!!!!

  3. Cagsil profile image71
    Cagsilposted 13 years ago

    If I get this right, this person is an ex....

    If that's the case, then what do you care?

    The fact that they are still together after 3 years, shouldn't be any of your concern.

    Get on with YOUR Life. Move forward. wink

  4. RKHenry profile image64
    RKHenryposted 13 years ago

    Hate to tell you this, but it turned into a relationship as soon as he got his freedom from you.

    The idea that a person reaps what they sow, sometimes isn't all that trustworthy.  Apparently his stars were aligned right.

    1. the pink umbrella profile image76
      the pink umbrellaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thats kinda harsh RK, im not sure he got freedom form her as much as he found himself in a position in which he thought he could get away with something. True freedom would have been to end whatever he had with his wife before the moving on part. I think its gross not to end a relationship before begining a new one, and your spouse whould be the first to know if you have feelings for someone else that you plan to persue....i mean, thats just honest, and honering of the comitment he once had to her.

      1. the pink umbrella profile image76
        the pink umbrellaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        and to add, its not a bad person that falls in love with someone else, but it is a bad person that sneaks aroung pretending everythings fine.

        1. wifelv profile image61
          wifelvposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          Actually I have moved on in my own life with men.  I attract many men to me and I am having a blast playing the field.  Again, it is just the kids issue that hurts.  I have learned alot about men because of this. I am a much better person now and know much more than I did several years ago.  I know what to look for in a man and what to run from.  Men are not as complex as they seem.  They are actually pretty easy to please.  Before I worked way too hard at keeping and getting men.  Now, I am very happy with myself and confident.  I am attracting more men than I can keep up with and it is because I am loving myself.  I can now pick and choose and do not settle like women who cheat.  It just shows that they are desperate and insecure. Women who truly love themselves don't put up with bullshit from men like a man who cheats.  WE don't have to.  BTW, the ex is now trying to show up around my area...Hummm could it be the, "want what you can't have syndrome?"   My advice to anyone who has gone though what i have is to improve yourself and work on your inner-self.  I am told that the best revenge is to better yourself.  Instead of running to the nearest man to boost my bruised ego i did the hard work of dealing with me...took 3yrs but now I am glad I did and it is paying off.  Thanks ladies for your advice, Pink Umbrella you are pretty cool gal and I like how you think. Don't ever give a man a part of yourself unless he is free to do so.  You have far to much to give than to waist it on a cheater.

  5. dashingscorpio profile image82
    dashingscorpioposted 13 years ago

    "When I first found out about the affair she told me, "too bad you can't keep your husband." 

    "She is a mean bitch and seeks out to take men who are not hers as a thrill.  My ex is too dumb to realize that he is in for the ride of his life...He is addicted to her and she clearly controls him completely."

    It sounds like his new woman is doing everything to make sure that what he did to you will not happen to her. She's keeping him on a really tight leash.
    I'm not sure what you're expecting or (want) to happen between them. They could easily stay together for 14 years or longer.

    Sometimes it's possible for cheaters to find their soulmates in each other. The media has been waiting for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to break up for over 5 years now!
    Julia Roberts is married to man she "stole" from another marriage and now they have twins. They seem as happy as can be.
    No one seems to be wishing them any ill will. However I think Danny Moder's ex wife probably hates seeing Julia's face on her TV promoting movies she's in.

    I know of a lady who told me her husband left her for her brother's wife. This woman's brother eventually remarried but she never did. Her husband by the way married the mistress and have been together for 30 years! The wife never remarried and remains bitter to this day.

    You state you have moved on but it sounds like you're keeping an eye on this relationship hoping that it fails.
    (The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.)
    Some of the "rough answers" you're getting is due to the fact that you "asked this question". Naturally it sounds like you still "care".

    When you've actually moved on you won't be a spectator waiting for the train to wreck because you'll be too busy living your life. It sounds like you've done a lot of good work on yourself and you're moving in the right direction.

    With regard to your kids a lot of them have the same problems even in a marriage where there was no divorce.
    They want to be considered grown and make their own choices before they are mature enough to do so.

    My guess is your ex is coming around not to get back with you but to see if you're still carrying a torch for him much like the movie, "It's Complicated" where Meryl Streep has an affair with her ex-husband who married his mistress.
    A lot of men believe, "Once I've been there I can always get back on in." Congratulations on your new life and best of luck!

    1. wifelv profile image61
      wifelvposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      DashingScorp! Very good BRAVO! Love to hear what a man has to say.  I do agree with the "Once I'v been there I can always get back in."  He told me that he did not want to be with her and had a "could not  live with your or live with our you problem with me."  He was trying to have his cake and eat it to and when I kicked him out and filed for divorce it pissed him off.  He didn't expect it.  Not to mention, I cleaned his clock in divorce court all by myself.  He created a monster! I don't think he expected me to rise up and fight like I have. Or improve myself and have men 10 yrs younger swoon after me. Ok, I do get a slight pleasure in rubbing it in his face... Not like I am getting in the Mercedes and trying run him over. Hahaha.  Like Meryl Streep I realized my ex was a jerk and will never change.  I even tried Pot, like she did! OMG was that a blast!  So I am really enjoying my freedom now and I have been learning to completely let go and not look back.  I don't like to harden my heart but in this case I had to and that is what I was fighting doing.  Thank you,  your a berry insightful man.

      1. dashingscorpio profile image82
        dashingscorpioposted 13 years agoin reply to this

        I'm so happy for you!
        There is an upside to getting rid of dead weight! LOL!
        Life really is too short to be spending time with people who don't love and appreciate you. Not many people openly admit it but divorce can be very liberating especially for women! :-)
        I applaud you for taking charge of your life!
        Below is a link to a blog I once wrote about relationship begginnings.
        However it sounds like you've pretty much figured out what's best for you.
        "The world may not owe you anything but YOU owe yourself the world!"
        http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/rela … ng-574878/

        Wishing you the best life has to offer!

  6. Pandoras Box profile image61
    Pandoras Boxposted 13 years ago

    You sound extremely vindictive.

    I wish you -and them- happiness. But you won't find it until you let go of your hate and anger.

    There are always two sides to every story.

    1. Daniel Carter profile image63
      Daniel Carterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      In addition, from my own personal experience, it's attachment and not being able to forgive that keeps us chained mercilessly to the other person.

      However, for the record, it took me DECADES to forgive one person. Once that happened, I was able to forgive others more easily. You can't force forgiveness. You have to let it comes as it will. I had to busy myself with finding out where my happiness was, and work tirelessly on that. The rest comes when it's supposed to.

      If you're waiting for karma to be a bitch to your ex's girlfriend, then turn the channel. You'd get more action watching the grass grow. Asking "why" and wanting to see karma in action are the biggest booby prizes of all time in life. You have to walk away and find your peace and happiness independent of them.

  7. jaymelee23 profile image66
    jaymelee23posted 13 years ago

    WifeLV, if that is really you in your picture and you are a decent person... just move on... you are beautiful on the outside and hopefully inside too... hey, it's the internet.. anyway, everyone has pretty much said what there has to say (including me). I know it's hard but I'm sure you will find someone who will make you forget all of the hurt that you have went through. Someday you'll meet someone who you'll look back and think, "Why did I fret over my ex for soooo long." Life is way too short and goes fast so enjoy it.

  8. wychic profile image79
    wychicposted 13 years ago

    All I can say is that there was a person who pretended to be my friend for a few years, then slept with my husband. I left, she moved in two weeks later, was pregnant very shortly thereafter, and now -- two years later -- they've just gotten married. Frankly, I think they found a very good match in each other and deserve whatever they get wink.

    Now, if you ask him for his point of view, he may very well say that my current husband stole me from my first marriage because we were friends at the time I left. I suppose it's all in how you look at things.

    Either way, while I can understand the anger...I know I was very angry for a while, not so much at my then-husband's actions (it had been going bad for a while), but at being so blatantly lied to...but who cares what happens with them now? They say that zebras don't change their stripes, what goes around comes around, etc., and if you can look back on your own actions and know that you handled yourself appropriately throughout, that's all that really matters. Move on with life and enjoy it, regardless of what he does...not so easy with kids in the middle, I know, mine is almost 5 now and rarely with me, but it is possible.

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