The hardest year of my marriage was 2004. I came home from work one evening to a "Dear John letter." We were divorced 3 months later. This is what someone deserves after 18 years of being together? I still don't think so, but I have learned to accept it long ago and have moved on from that situation.
I am very impressed that you have been able to move on from something so painful. I appreciate that you took the time to share. I do hope that things continue to get more joyful for you!
That really sucks, Jeff. You deserve better than that. I am awefully sleepy right now and do not recall off hand, but did you have any children with her? If so, how is that working out?
JThomp42, That must have been extremely hard, glad you moved on. Did you read my hub: "Love is gone, but not forever"?
Hey CJ, Thank you. No, no children.
Hey lupine, Thank you. I'll have to read that. Thanks again.
The second definitely... after realizing that we weren't living a fairy tale.. Then dying to self over and over... oh sometimes it still hurts. Haha I love my husband!
Thank you for sharing. I am wondering if most people have a harder time in the first few years. Glad you're still in love
Did he actually think he was living a fairy tale...or was that just you? :0)
CC: Do you have a theory on why young women believe in a "Fairy-tale" marriage?
Here's mine (so far!): Year 4. Our son was born and was in pain every day for more than a year. All my husband and I could do was tolerate each other and try to get through another day.
The hardest year will vary from marriage to marriage based upon the challenges a couple may be facing. However assuming everyone is employed, bills are paid, there are no (major disagreements), kids are healthy, or a decision has been made not to have children....etc I suspect year #4 or #5 may be the most challenging. This is right around the time people start to "relax" or begin to take each other a little more for granted.
There is less effort put into keeping romance and passion alive. If you are not careful you'll start to slip more into a platonic friendship, sibling, or "roommates with the same last name" type of relationship.
For some people the wedding was their "mission accomplished" moment. Once you stop nurturing a garden it slowly begins to die. If you let things continue to slide or fall into a rut then one day someone leaves or cheats.
"It's easier to maintain a fire then it is to reignite a spark!"
One of the worst things a married couple can do is to forget how to date each other. Time must be set aside for romantic expression or the marriage grows cold (sorry guys, I'm not referring to sex).
In 42 years there have been some rough spots. They are few but they were memorable. I would say the first year was the hardest as we were both adjusting to a new dynamic that was supposed to be forever. It takes a lot of adjustment and compromise. It's worth it, but hard at the time to go through.
It probably depends on how long the couple knew each other before being married, and whether they lived together. For some people the first year of marriage could be the ninth year of being a couple.
@tussin - that is probably very true. We only knew each other just under 4 mos. when we married and I have to admit, I didn't even know he had a temper. We had a lot to learn that first year.
Every year was a struggle. We were two people that had no business being together. The last year of our marriage (6) found her getting even more violent than usual and also found her in bed with her employer.
We went through a bitter, nasty, and expensive divorce and when the dust settled, I came out of it with full custody of our children and she came out of it with her freedom...a win-win situation for all.
I thought so...and so did my children. :0)
My husband was Married before we too have custody of our two boys It is so crazy how a mother can make such poor decisions concerning the life they are preparing for the children.. Good for you CJ
Thanks, CCurry. The problem was that my ex was so absorbed in her own life and with her own wants and needs that she didn't seem to have time to nurture our marriage or our children. The pain she caused I richly deserved...but the wee ones did not.
Any year in which a major change occurs is a hard one. A move, the birth of a child, a financial gain or loss, etc. When these events occur vary from marriage to marriage.
Some think that being married for a long time before any major changes occur helps you weather the changes more easily because you and your partner know each other better. Some think that it's better to experience challenges earlier in your marriage so that you have more knowledge of how your partner will behave and react in a stressful situation.
I don't know which view is correct, but I do know that more stress in life equals a higher probability of divorce in general.
Well done, Tussin. However, I would hope married couples spend sufficient time getting to know each other before marriage, so they do not have to go through trials and tribulations in order to find out how their spouse will behave under pressure.
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