Everyone has an opinion of themselves, as do all the people that we meet. What is a more accurate perception, the way you view yourself or the way that your closest friends and family see you?
You may see yourself as in control-organized, brilliant and a good person. Others see you as chaotic- lost and rude.
An addict may believe that they have their situation in perspective and in control-onlookers believe otherwise.
Do we really know who we are? Or do the people that we let into our hearts and lives know us better?
Thank you for good question at last. The best way I can answer is to say both perspective are important. Since you seem to only be focused on drug users as compared to say murderers, and rapists and theives and DRUG DEALERS; I'll address that specific question. I never seen a drug addict that was any of the things you just described. Addicts are full of desparation and fear. They are super nice to people or they are super withdrawn, because they dont want to draw attention to themselves.
Now, a recovered addict is another story. When you no longer have to worry about police or family hurting you; you tend to become very outspoken. Sometimes, as you say, even rude. You see, when victims are treated like dogs, the way drug addicts are treated in this country; when they recover, they tend to answer any and all attacks against them forcefully. And they are completely aware of what people think about them; it's just impossible for them to go back to any type of pretense. For some of us; to stay drug free, you have to stay real.
Great question C. Porter.
I don't know, I think as people we're constantly evolving. The person that I was at 25, I'm not at 35. My wants and needs have changed over time. Those closest to me will only know what I want them to know, so by default I know myself better than anyone else ever will.
often neither is accurate because ultimately people, including ourselves, see what we want to see. it takes a self aware person to 'know thyself' and that takes a lifetime. as Himitsu said, we are constantly evolving. some people are very afraid to look within and live a very surface life or a lie, trying to be someone they are not. the way I look at it, is 'be who you are', you are you and nobody else is! I like to think my life makes a difference to someone just for being myself. If we find we don't like a certain person, it's usually a fault of our own being reflected back to us, the shadow self.
i don't know that either view is more accurate.
others don't see every thing that we, as individuals, do or say and can never know exactly how we feel or what we think. they are missing out on a big part of who we are, they are only getting an accurate view based on what they know of us which is limited.
i agree wholeheartedly with Pani! the way we see ourselves is what is IMPORTANT even if it is not necessarily the most objective or accurate.
so all views are subjective and none are 'accurate' really.
but all that is IMPORTANT is how one vies one's self. and sometimes that view may include anxieties or harsh realities of others' view of us.
i think ignorance (of others opinions of us) is really bliss. <3
I agree with this, like I said previously we all shield some part of ourselves from others so they do not have a true and "accurate" view of us as a person. Ultimately we must judge ourselves and the view we have of ourselves will determine how harshly we judge.
Hey H.C.Porter, I seem to have missed this thread...some 2 months ago, I guess I was getting use to HubPages.
I guess I have take the higher moral ground on this issue you present. If your actions are harmful to others and witnessed by others. Then morality dictates you are not honest with yourself.
WE, as individuals, know if we are honestly being honest with ourself, regardless of our own subjective bias view. You can tell yourself that your honest, but it doesn't mean anything, until you take action, which then dictates your true moral character.
So, to answer your base question- your actions dictate the accurate nature of who you are.
Morality rules over and above any view. If it helps, morality is based on humanity's best interest. It's not natural and doesn't change. Morality is taught or passed down by generation after generation.
Morality rules are simple- any chosen action that harms others or society is morally wrong or bad AND any chosen action that helps others or society is morally right or good.
I hope that helps.
I think that depends on the individual. some people are more self aware than others. people that we allow into our hearts still don't see the inner workings, how we think, what we feel. everything we see in another is still from own own perspective. sometimes what we see is quite opposite what the person really feels on the inside. whereas I know what I think and feel from within. as others are saying, we change and grow.
Wow H.C., what a great topic.
I suppose how others see me is what matters, because they out-number me.
I do think though, that since several people perceiving one person would be more accurate because they would have different points of view that combine into one single perception.
For instance, I perceive myself as bi-polar. Others perceive me as moody, or slightly loony.
I like their definition better than my own. It is less ugly
However, BP is not an illness so much as a disability. I can't really get a perception of myself, it is always changing.
But at the end of the day, the perception I care about most, is mine, whether it is right or wrong.
i think it's sort of 50-50. i know myself pretty well, and other's (family close friends and co-workers) assessments of me agree with my own...
Depends on how well we know ourselves. Which, of course, varies not only from person to person but can vary widely for the SAME person...depending on their insight into "Self" over the years.
Some start out pretty self-aware. My kid sister is one such person.
Some start off base and eventually figure themselves out, more or less. I suspect I qualify for that one...hopefully.
Some start out in left field and stay there, too. We all know candidates for that description.
So when someone asks you...Tell me about yourself, you should say all versions?
I would try to dodge and bring the question back on to the person lol
My father, found some of my old high school papers in a box, and for the first time in 15 to 20 years, took the time to read some of them. When I stopped by my parents house he said a few things that made me stop and think...Do I really know myself? Does he know who I am? The way that I believe he views me is by what things I did when I was a teenager and a pain in his butt. I dont believe he has let go of my mistakes and it clouds is views on the adult that I am now. Or maybe, I am not who I believe myself to be at this point in time???
Guess it is one of those questions I may never know the answer to
Reckon that depends on whether (a) they really want to know and/or (b) you really want them to know all that!
In my case, there's definitely too much to tell all at once.
H.C., I'd guess that you will know sooner or later, simply because you're asking now.
I know parents often fail to perceive changes in their adult children. My own late mother, when my 3rd wife and I separated, was "on me" like a duck on a Junebug until I asked Carolyn (the ex and still a close friend) to get her off my back. She wrote Mom a letter in which she commented (among other things) that she (Carolyn) had "learned a lot from me".
My Mom's comment to me? "I don't know what she could have learned from you!"
Furthermore, it is a trick question. You (whomever you may be) know too much about yourself to see everything, especially your faults. It's not so pleasant to look in a mirror and even less so to honestly appraise what you see. Conversely, others may not know enough about you to properly examine you.
Clearly the question relates to oneself.
On that basis, the answer must therefore be the accuracy of one's personal self esteem.
People choose to only see what they wish to, when it comes to how they veiw others.
How one views oneself, will always depend on the level of one's self esteem... Having high self esteem; enables one to choose to what degree one allows others to see them!
And as for the variations to this: How long is a piece of string?
I am the best person to judge me. I live in my own reality and know my intentions. The problem is others, who live in their own realities and live by their truth. The will judge others formed on the basis of what they perceive it true.
The answer to the question, therefore, it is more accurate how you see yourself because this is your truth, your perception and your reality.
I suspect that we see ourselves one way and alter our ego based on how we want people to perceive us. As a teenager, I appeared withdrawn; but I was outspoken with a 'shy' or 'coy' persona.Do you know those people who tell you wrong is wrong and right is right and get it off their chest? That was me before diplomacy entered my life.Diplomacy came through the saving grace of God.
Today,I am not as 'tactless' so many persons perceive me as 'nice and good'.Since I have battled between aggressive and assertive, I am more the latter.But who a person is changes continually based on the inner and outer environment. I know someone who becomes a pretzel at times because he is bound by what someone said years ago; and he does not want the matter to rest until it has been resolved. His behaviour tells me that we cannot live our lives on the misconception of others.Take it with a grain of salt, sift it in the fanner of experience and move on.
We have to know ourselves first; and like Shakespeare said in As You Like It "All the world's a stage; and all the men and women merely players.. Each man in his time plays many parts...seven stages." Life is progressive so we are expected to grow better daily.
This post turned out long (as they often do), but this discussion is one I thought was worth pondering, because I think all of us deal with people not knowing us as well as we thought...
The more I've been shocked to learn how people I'm close to don't know me anywhere near as well I had assumed, the more I've just started thinking that none of us really knows anyone else as well as we believe we do. Some people know us better than others, and wee know some people better than others; but I think we all have a "a whole world of things goings on" that nobody guesses; and I think people imagine stuff we "must think" far more than any reasonable person would imagine.
When my youngest child was a preschooler I decided it was finally time to lose some of extra weight I'd gained when I had her. I was happy to feel unstressed enough to just decide to stop having sugar in my coffee and only eat cheese crackers when I was really hungry. It was a very short-term plan, and I looked forward to getting back into my small sized clothes again. My husband interpreted what I was doing as "stopped eating" and thought I was turning borderline anorexic (or something). He told my mother and sister I "wasn't eating" (as if I had some big, horrible, issue). He didn't simply ask me (and I think I even mentioned it to him). The whole thing turned into a big, horrible, thing. I couldn't believe how my three-week plan to drop 10 or 15 lbs (and my positive attitude about it) had been turned into something else!! Worse, I couldn't believe that these people didn't know that I'm solid enough not to do something like "stop eating" from some emotional thing they imagined, or that I was stupid enough to do something like go on a Cheese Nips-and-coffee diet for more than two or three weeks. Neither did they realize how absolutely happy I was to have my three little kids and the life that I had. Instead, they thought I had sunken into some horrible mood thing. Just this one example, alone, showed me how little people often know us; and the years have only shown more such examples. I was in my mid-thirties.
With someone like a teen or newly grown child, I do think there are times when parents understand the situation (rather than the child) more than the young person does. When you see yet one more of x type of friend your child buddies up with, for example, you may have a better idea of where things are going to end up (while the grown child may not have learned from his past experiences).
With someone like a family member (particularly a child) who has been drug user, sometimes family members are so afraid the user will "slip back" they can't "just move on" or just know the user is reformed; because they can't overcome how frightened they were when it was going on, and they just feel like, "if it happened before it might happen again".
I have asked myself before if I see myself the way others do. Sometimes I think I must be delusional about myself because someone will tell me something positive about myself that I had always seen as negative in my life. Or vice versa. But the problem I had was that I was always so worried about what everyone else thought about me, that I wasn't being myself at all because I didn't want to disapoint. Finally I heard Dr.Phil say to a guest on his show once:
"You wouldn't worry about how others felt about you, if you knew how little they did (think about you)."
And that was life-changing for me, because I saw the truth in that statement right away. Since then, I have been able to accept myself, the good and the bad, and show my true self to the world and I've never looked back.
megs78, my mother used to tell a similar story about what her own mother (born in 1881, by the way) used to say to her when she was young and worried about her own appearance or what others thought of her: She said her mother would say, "Don't flatter yourself into thinking people are thinking about you. People are thinking about themselves." Also, I once read a book (one of those, "be your own best friend" type of books in the 70's), and the author said how people who are "self-conscious" are really "others-conscious".
So, hearing/reading these kinds of messages in my teens/early twenties (and seeing the "wisdom" in them), I never worried about whether others may think they were seeing about me. So I happily and naively did my own thing without talking much about it. I had my three nice children and nice home, did part-time writing for some newspapers to keep my hand in working while the kids were little, and had my own projects that I'd work on once everyone was asleep. I didn't think I had to tell people everything I did or why I did it (whether that was being very active in my kids' education, being on top of things with their health needs, or keeping my hair natural because I liked that it was healthy and didn't want to do anything to damage it). (I'm going somewhere with all this...) There were occasional incidents like the one I mentioned above, but all seemed fine.
Then, as time went on and my marriage changed, there was a divorce. It was ugly, ugly; and all the negative things people (not just my husband but my family members and friends) had been thinking about me came out, when people like lawyers and guardians ad litem started asking people (even neighbors!) about us for their report. My lawyer handed me a typed up list of "issues" that had been put together, and I would never have recognized the person about whom that report was!!
People said stuff that was SO off-the-wall I was numbed with shock. The hair I'd always been happy to think was shiny and healthy and natural was said to be, "stringy" and "uncared for"! The long, well manicured, natural, fingernails I was kind of proud of were said to be "long and unmanicured"! Someone even said I had severe acne, when - honestly - I've had super-clear skin all my life!! (I have no idea where that came from.) Then, a neighbor who, in my book, didn't watch her five-year-old enough, said I was "over-protective". Someone else said I'd not worked since I was married !! The killer was that people who truly did know me either hadn't been willing to talk behind my back (out of integrity), or else positive remarks weren't included in the report I saw because they weren't something that needed to be addressed. I mean, if they interviewed a bunch of people and only took a few misguided (often whacko) remarks from each, and then put the crap in the report - there you have it, a report about someone who was completely made up!
That's when I realized, "Gee, I should have explained to people that I didn't want a "beauty-parlor" hair-do like my kids' grandmothers had. I should have talked more about how often I manicured my nails and what I did to keep them buffed, shiny, and clean. I should have explained to my neighbor how often I'd gone out to her crying, injured, preschooler because she was out roaming the neighborhood all the time." (and on and on) I had been so sure that if I went through a divorce it would be so obvious what a "solid, wonderful, mother" I was there would be absolutely no questions about custody. You know what? When I left with the kids one day I ended up having an ambulance called to bring me to the mental hospital ( ), having my mother send it away, but then having two police cars show up later to pick me up!!! THEN (!!!) the mental hospital lady wrote a report based on a long conversation with my husband, and threatened not to let me leave if I didn't sign the form saying she could "discuss my case" with him. Even though they let me go, that was just beginning of a long nightmare.
We shouldn't have to explain to everyone and their brother that we prefer long nails or don't want to do things to our healthy hair; or that we don't approve of the way some neighbor doesn't watch her kid - but it turns out, if we don't there can be very (VERY) big problems if something like a divorce (or, I guess, anything that involves any kind of "looking into us" - like maybe government clearances, adoptions, employment background checks, etc. - takes place. I mean, who thinks to say to everyone he knows, "By the way, have you ever noticed that I've always had clear skin?" Oh well, I'm a lot wiser now than I once was. Anyone who sees how long some of my Hubs are may notice that I pretty much aim to address all the things that a reader may "think I think" (and may not think), just as a way of preventing misunderstanding.
maybe you can listen to what others see you and then you will change some of the ways you are showing it, it is good to show the real you though...
Most people don't stick around me long enough to get to know me. I am a point blank person, I don't mince my words & I say what I think - I make people run in the other direction. If they stuck around me long enough, they'd learn more about me. I'm not afraid to go against the grain. I won't bow down to be someone I'm not just to be a people pleaser - I tried it once & I got a big kick in the butt. I care what my immediate family thinks of me & they love me for who I am - what else matters?
Agree with you
and if I'm happy with myself, I can make other people happy too.
Better to be that way than I am: I'm a combination of not being afraid to go against a lot of "the grain" while also coming across as "gentle, polite, and nice" - which throws people off and leaves them to fill in a lot of blanks if I express anger or do something (as I did) like walk out of my marriage when nobody else had a clue about what was going on (and yet had opinions about it anyway).
Aint that the Truth! Like I tell some people I know. If you are going to live forever, then you have the time to worry about what others think of you. I watch what I say to my boss and my children. I care what they think. My boss signs my check and children always judge you honestly or not at all.
"Furthermore, it is a trick question. You (whomever you may be) know too much about yourself to see everything, especially your faults. It's not so pleasant to look in a mirror and even less so to honestly appraise what you see. Conversely, others may not know enough about you to properly examine you."
Jonathan, for everyone who finds it not pleasant to honestly appraise what he sees there are others who have no problem with it, or who even see faults that aren't even there. Secure people have no problem looking for their own faults, seeing them, accepting them, wishing they could change them, etc. I think people usually tend to be harder on themselves than others are on them.
Sure, there are times when someone may (as I mentioned above) like their own hair style and some others don't - but that's just opinion (and much of the time, if you're dealing with people who are ridiculous, others' opinions can be just plain wacky). I think, though, whatever someone's own "genuine" flaws are, most people know what they their own are. It's not so awful to face those.
Another reason people don't like someone, or doesn't think much of what someone does, is that some people only like someone else if that person is/does what they approve of. There are husbands who'll like you as long as they agree with you, but if there's disagreement they think because they're men or because they're older they're smarter. The same can be true for some mothers who approve as long as you do what they want, but the minute you do your own thing they think they know more because they're older (or even because they have the unhealthy lack of realization that you're, say, 38 years old - not 11!). In other words, when people want to control you, and you won't be controlled; a lot of control freaks aren't going to like you. What they don't like about you is the fact that you are NOT like they are.
In Psychology, every person has their own “Blind Spot”. This is the area that is unknown to the person but it is known to others. We can reduce this blind area through soliciting feedback or opinions from others. If close family and friends have different views about us, it would be best if we try to reflect about it. Who knows. . . that might be our blind spot.
This question is fairly easy to answer.
What is more accurate- the way you see you or others see you?
The way I see myself is more accurate than other people's skewed perceptions. People in general, will determine on their own, regardless of what you do- whether or not, you are what you claim and then they will make an uninformed decision based on what they know.
Since, they jump to an assumption, they're views are false or wrong and then when they step up to talk about you, there uninformed based judgement of you, will skew someone else's perception of you, because the attempt the other person will make will be accepted as fact, because that person is more likely is trusting of the person who made the illconceived attempt, so as to best describe you.
Other people's interpretations can be uninformed decisions without facts. Therefore, wasteful.
My perception or perspective I have of myself, doesn't change.
I knew someone who used to say "It's none of your business what other people think of you!" and I never used to agree with that, but now I think it's true - what matters is how you hold your self in high esteem and don't let other's problems get to you.
Not that either of your posts were specifically directed at any of mine -but thank you! Finally a couple of people who are open to the idea that there are times we simply know ourselves well, when others don't, can't, won't, or don't want to know us very well. Having been through what I've been through I've seen how people almost always seem to think there just has to be something wrong with us that we don't see. Sometimes there's nothing we're doing wrong, or being wrong. It's the "blaming-the-victim" (or at least "partially-blaming-the-victim" thinking) that so often goes on when women leave marriages.
The way I see myself is more important then how others percieve me.
I think the way I see myself and the way others see me are very different, but equally accurate. The way I see myself, however, is much more important.
I think the most "accurate" is how you see yourself. Others views are skewed somewhat because most if not all of us hold certain things about ourselves and our lives back from others. I think in general we as humans judge ourselves harshly in most cases and that drives us to be better. The view of others is based on what they are "allowed" to see based on our own ability to see ourselves a certain way and portray that to others.
I know I judge myself pretty harsh at times and while sometimes it makes me feel shitty it also makes me try harder to be a better person for myself and for others.
I think people will covet and despise another for what he/she has or doesn't while others will stand in admiration and respect therefore, I think knowing thyself holds more true than what others would think.
HOLY S%%% 2 people agree on something and share the same view... lol great to know that it is possible for 2 different people from different parts of the world and different backgrounds truly can have the same views in life
I don't think either the way you see yourself or how others see you are accurate. I think you see yourself one way alone but you aren't aware of yourself when you interact with others. And others only see a part of you that's interacting with them and they view that through their own prism. I think part of life is just trying to find out which parts of yourself are the ones you want to keep.
Life and circumstances change us. We all have a basic personality like for myself I'm basiclly shy at first and at one time I would never have spoken out for myself. I was too busy trying to be what everybody wanted me to be but now. I don't let people tramp all over me. am I a B*&%H ? NO but I'm still learning things about myself as life progresses.
People can make assumptions but do they REALLY know us. I think not. No more than we can really know ourselves.
I would also agree with this. It is hard to have an accurate idea of yourself until you have lived a full life and faced every situation. How you handle or react will surely have some impact on who you are and how you view yourself. I think our own view is most accurate at any given time but it can obviously change as we face new challenges and new hurdles in life each day.
I think it depends upon the person. Some people seem to have absolutely no idea who they are while others are extremely self-perceptive.
I also agree with others here who have said that we get to know ourselves better as we are exposed to more situations and more life experience.
The way others see you is always more accurate, your mind can all too easily rationalize your own actions and thoughts.
Saying people do not get to know the real you is jsut a security blanket of self preservation.
you get to know yourself better by listening to what others say about you. They're way more objective than you or I could ever possibly be about ourselves.
Sometimes people speak out of envy and despise.
Other times out of adoration and awe.
So it's never accurate.
You're the only one that can know exactly how you are.
Also true of course. I am me so therefore I know me better than anyone else is quite obviously true. I was thinking in more along the lines of whether "me" is the person I feel I am or the person I'm perceived to be, which is a tad too philosophical for this time of night, so I'll let you have that one.
But people who speak out of envy or despise will simply highlight your weaknesses. Those who speak out of adoration will highlight your best points. By listening to other people as a collective you will soon learn what you worst and best points are.
What you think of yourself is often completely wrong, after all, how many times have you been sat there listening to someone who thinks tehy are gods gift, when you are sat there thinking, what an idiot. Or how many times have you listened to a friend who is worried about themselves, when you actually know how kind and pretty they are.
The human mind is incredibly adept at fooling itself, the thoughts of others are one of the few things which can keep it on track!
I totally disagree !!
so you live by people's judgement of you ?
You don't know who you are ?
I don't need people ,to know who I am!
In the end you are what you are, despite everyone else.
If you were the only human being alive, what would you do about it ? wouldn't you have a notion of who you are ??
I think tantrum is correct here...or at least partially... I think it also depends on the individual's personality. Some people are highly critical, especially toward themselves.
In the end, who cares more about you than...YOU? So with that in mind, who is going to be more objective about you...
i agree that you may get to know your self better, but not because those people know you any better than yourself. just because it gives you another perspective from with to view yourself...
but, you have to consider your source and take it with a grain of salt and a lot of other cliche things.
i agree with tantrum too, a lot of people have a skewed view of others (or say things intentionally untrue) due to their own shortcomings. jealousy. low self-esteem. etc.
agreed, you definitely must consider the source...if the person is close to you, they may have an invested interest, which in turn, may provide another valid perspective...if they are not close, a distant observer (for instance), then their perspective is going to be based on stereotyping and quick 'snap' judgments.
I think the way I see myself as the most accurate. I know my intentions - although sometimes this goes 'pearshaped', my intentions are good.
I know that some people are jealous of my good intentions and attempt to see other motives - this upsets me deeply because I am genuine. I truly believe in 'people first', empowerment and understanding that everyone lives in their own reality and that is their choice and not mine.
They dont think like me. This, therefore, leads to my suffering and a judgement against me without a trial by onlookers.
Still, I live with a clear conscience and think 'they know not what they do'. I forgive them and move on - although there is a pain in my heart.
I hope this makes sense? x
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