What's The Best Method For A Break-up?
Should it always be in person? Or can the rule be bent a little?
The rule can be bent a little. But a break up will go better for you if you give a reason for it (Which doesn't personally degrade the dumpee) and if you give the dumpee time to talk it through with you. Then it's much more likely you can have a clean break without being pestered for answers in the days and weeks afterwards.
When breaking up with someone, you have to cater the breakup to the soon-to-be-ex. Being dumped means rejection. This can bring up a wide array of feelings and emotions. You must think honestly about how the person is likely to deal with all the feelings that go with rejection..Will they beg and plead and promise to change.. or kick and scream? Will they go on with their own life or will they stalk you?
If the person is sain.. and has a life of their own (meaning their life does not revolve around you) then an in-person and in detail explanation of feelings is the best way.
If the person has reason or likelyhood to scream, hit, throw things, break things, ect. or if they are likely to not accept what you are saying, on the phone may be better. Say what you have to say ,,,, don't get into conversations about detailed reasons or listen to begging or screaming. Simply say this is how it is .. and its NOT going to change. Hang up the phone and dont answer it again.. (May want to turn it off) Lock your doors or go stay with a friend until the person's feelings subside.
"you have to cater the breakup to the soon-to-be-ex" - Very wise advice! People who ignore this are the ones who end up in the newspapers being beaten or killed. In fact if there is a history of violence its best to breakup by phone or email. Be safe
1. Be prepared - Gradually remove any things you have at their place.
2. Bring any of their things you have and breakup at (their) place. (This allows you to exit after you have said what needs to be said or if things go "sideways".)
3. Keep it short. (YOU) want to move on, your feelings have changed, they deserve to be with someone who is "in love" with them. Stay calm! You are not obligated to have drama filled fight!
4. Don't blame - (This only leads them to play the "I'll change game." or attack your flaws.) Believe it or not emotional fights/arguments gives some people "hope". If you aren't a couple there is nothing to fight about therefore leave. A breakup means good-bye.
5. Do NOT offer "instant friendship" as a consolation prize! It only gives false hope.
6. Allow them time to get over you! This means staying away and avoiding contact. (You are the last person who can help them get over you). Maybe after a few months or a year or so when you both are dating other people you can become (real) "platonic friends". However (they) have to be in a "happy place" first.
The individual who desires the breakup knows and understands the personality, ideologies and behavior of the other more intimately than those outside the relationship. Though you may share mutual friends, it is only the person breaking up that can call the shots on how to safely, yet kindly initiate the painful process of letting someone go. Sometimes, however, involving a trusted friend can offer insight that validates your gut feelings about the best approach to move on, while avoiding devastating, angering or devaluing the other person's ego, confidence or self-worth.
If the relationship has been long-standing, face to face, though more difficult, allows the other person the consideration of a discussion rather than a one-sided communication that silences the person being left. However, if experience with the person generates fear, email offers the safety of distance, and is advisable when even the remote possibility of violence exists. Yesterday's local St. Louis news broke a story about a breakup that escalated from a man who went to his recent ex's home to return his key. During the visit, an altercation occurred, culminating with the young man shooting his ex partner, who died on her neighbors porch screaming for help. The young man then shot the deceased woman's daughter twice, but didn't kill her. He got in his car and headed for north St. Louis, where he was apprehended. He got out of his car with a gun and was shot to death in the street by the police.
I would consider removing my important personal belongings prior to the breakup, if possible, to avoid any confrontation with an upset ex-partner. In the heat of the moment, emotions are often unpredictable. Today's internet world makes for less risk whenever personal contact with another person carries any physical risk. Given some space and some time, the majority of people see things from a rational point of view, whereas immediate reactions are colored by personal hurt, often with raw, volatile emotions.
Careful consideration, and thoughtfully chosen words, always with personal safety in mind, whether face to face, by phone or email, can allow for relationship endings that perserve equal dignity, self worth and honesty in moving forward.
It just depends on the situation and the people involved. Of course the best way, if at all possible, is to take care of things in person. Be honest, understand that they may be emotional but if this is what you really want, stick to your guns but be gentle.
If they are abusive or creepy, you can send them an email or text although I don't recommend that because it can be viewed as immature and/or shallow or rude. If it's just a person that you're not attracted to anymore or you've grown apart, you definitely owe them the respect to tell them in person.
I don't think someone should be worried about being viewed as immature, shallow, or rude for breaking up with a (violent) person by text, phone, or email. Safety comes first! (Besides an ex is your past.) Their opinion of you shouldn't matter.
What ever you can easily do, just don't change your mind once you begin the break-up. I thought it had to be in person, but found out it is being done by text or email. Seems a bit impersonal, but then again you are breaking up and not so conderned about the other persons feelings, right? Send a text or card, say "Roses aren't red, violets aren't blue, you know I don't love you...and neither do you".
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