What things should you avoid saying when you break up with someone?

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   midget38posted 12 years ago

   What things should you avoid saying when you break up with someone?
   
   All of us would have had our share of relationships and their problems. What are the things you would avoid saying when you have no choice but to break up with someone and why?

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   stricktlydatingposted 12 years ago

   Relationship Advice from Stricktlydating: What should you avoid saying when you want to break up with someone? read more

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      midget38posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Will come by the hub, Strictlydating!

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   SylviaSkyposted 12 years ago

   "I hope someday you will change your ways and come back to me." Waste of breath.

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      midget38posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Indeed!

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   Neil Sperlingposted 12 years ago

   I think the most important thing NOT to say when you break up with someone is "I want you back".  LOL
   
   Just make sure you do not say anything that would cause any emotional pain to the other person.... just because you do not get along well enough to stay together it does not give you the right to destroy the other person. Wish them a Happy Life and move on!

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      midget38posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Yes. it would be a lie...I don't think telling a person that would be the truth! Thanks for sharing!

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   dashingscorpioposted 12 years ago

   If the breakup is (not due) to the other person committing a "deal breaker" or betrayal then you want to make sure to calmly say it's not something they did or did not do but rather (you) have had a change of heart.
   I know it's a bit of a cliché to say "It's not you, it's me" but that is in fact the truth! It makes no sense to run down a list of flaws or personality traits you don't like. No one should have to change their "core being" to be with anyone. Whatever it is you don't like could be the same things that causes another person to fall madly in love with them.
   To run down a check list is the same as saying, "I could love you and stay with you if you were not YOU!" Another thing you want to do is avoid giving them "false hope" by extending the "instant friends" offer. Anyone that has been dumped and is told "We can be friends" accepts that offer with a hidden agenda. They hope if they can stay "close" there will be an opportunity to get back together. It's unrealistic to expect to go from "lovers" to "friends" overnight. The best exes as friends scenario is when there has been a major gap in time between two people and they happen to bump into each other after each has met or fell in love with other people.
   Unfortunately most people believe a breakup has to be over "something" or there must be a "major fight" to justify a split. Very often it is the person that is being dumped that refuses to breakup without drama. You can control your actions but you cannot control the consequences of your actions.
   It is probably best not to end a relationship at your place. Being somewhere neutral or at their house allows you the opportunity to leave if a ugly scene develops. Last but not least take into account the person's temperament. Just recently Jodi Arias, the 32-year-old Arizona woman killed Travis Alexander for wanting to breakup with her! She shot him in the face, cut his throat from ear to ear and stabbed him 27 times! Maybe he should have broke up via text or email. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/0 … 98003.html

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   1. 89

      midget38posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Yes. Neutrality is important because of personality traits that may have caused one to initiate the breakup in the first place! Though a person may have traits that are less than desirable, it is also not right to give them false hope. Thanks!

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      CJ Sledgehammerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Truth is, sometimes the other party wants to press the issue and demands to know the truth...the whole truth...and nothing but the truth. It is not so much they want to know the truth in as much as they want to be able to argue every point.

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   Ryan McGillposted 12 years ago

   I am going through a divorce after 25 years of marriage, Midget38, and the best thing we did was to refuse to assign blame.  In some cases there is indeed blame to be assigned, but unless one or the other in the relationship has done things intentionally to hurt the relationship, there is no blame to be assigned.  This is a bit of a gray area, but, in truth, even philandering can fall under this category.  Did the wrongdoing hurt the partner?  Absolutely, but maybe the wrongdoer has a problem that keeps them from truly understanding that.  In example, an alcoholic can tear a family apart, but it isn't done on purpose, that is just a symptom of that person's sickness.
   
   Hope this helps you out and best of luck.

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      midget38posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I am sorry to hear that, Ryan. I am glad though, that it is ending amicably. I think, as you say, we should not assign blame even when philandering is involved because something must have driven them to that point! Thanks for sharing.

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   duffsmomposted 12 years ago

   The dreaded phrase, "It's not you, it's me."  That is such a cop out.  Tell the person sincerely and kindly why you are choosing to no longer be with them.

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      dashingscorpioposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Isn't that the truth? It's (you) who wants to date/see other people. It's (you) that is not "in love". It's (you) that feels the relationship has run it course. If your mate has done nothing wrong why make it about them? You're being honest about it.

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      midget38posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Indeed, the person deserves to know!

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   fpherj48posted 12 years ago

   IMO, what you choose to say to someone, when breaking up, is as little as possible.  It can all depend on the "reasons," that caused you to reach this point.....as well as the personality of the individual you are breaking up with.
   What I would NOT do is go into any long-winded explanation, nor play the blame game.  I would try not to get too personal or hurtful.  When you reach the point of being sure the relationship is over, it's futile to beat a dead horse.
   An important thing NOT to say, is "Maybe some day, we can try again!"........(unless, of course, you truly believe this)

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      midget38posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I think it is important not to assign blame. When we do it makes the process even more hurtful! Thanks for sharing, Paula!

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   DRockellposted 12 years ago

   I think the dumbest thing I ever said was, "I still love you". Worst thing to say ever. If you truly know it's over and even if you do still love that person, you can't actually say that. It's like a sign for that person to try harder or do something different. Better to say the reasons why as best you can and then do your best to avoid contact afterwards.

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    Seek-n-Findposted 12 years ago

    Avoid giving hope or leaving the door open.  If you are breaking up it is for a reason and I see too many people say things like, "I just need to do this for now" or "maybe we can try again later."  These kinds of words make it hard for the other to move on.  People should have enough integrity to let their yes be yes and their no be no. 
    
    Also, as somebody else mentioned, blaming another person is usually not helpful.  Even if the other person does something hurtful to you, you are still the one that gets to decide whether to forgive and work on it or to end the relationship.  It is best when a person is honest (but doesn't say too much...too many details are often unnecessary) and takes responsibility for his/her actions.  Something as simple as "You are kind and I enjoy x and y but I don' feel we are a good match."  This honors somebody and recognizes the good but also is honest about the lack of long-term compatibility. 
    
    Of course, there are situations when the relationship is just really unhealthy and the other person doesn't want to hear the truth and will just argue and question everything you say.  In this case, a simple acknowledgement of the other's pain and a decision can suffice without offering an explanation over and over again.  For example, "I'm sorry you feel hurt--that is not my intention.  I just don't think this is working."  Etc.  I've been in relationships where the other person tried to tell me, "I'm not going to let you break up with me--that's not what you really want."  I had to kindly but very firmly set boundaries without offering too many explanations--the more I talked about it the more the other argued with my "reasoning."
    
    Anyway--not to get on a tangent!  Good question--but so many different responses are possible based on the individual circumstance!

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       CJ Sledgehammerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       I agree, Jenna. Honesty is probably the best policy (within reason), but if one is certain that the relationship is over... then it is best to close the door completely, while leaving the wounded party with as much dignity as possible.

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    Sarah Christinaposted 12 years ago

    "Let's just be friends" or "maybe we'll be friends in the future" is probably one of the worst things you could say, because it leaves a false hope for the person you are dumping. Some people do end up becoming friends with their ex, but that is after there has been time and space between you. If you try to be friends right from the start, it will only confuse things emotionally for the both of you and increases the chance that you may "have a romp in the hay" once last time (or several times), which only further complicates things if the person being dumped still has feelings for you. Also, unless they did something to majorly wrong you, avoid getting too personal or critical.

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    1. 89

       midget38posted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Great advice! I would definitely advocate space. Because when lovers are 'just friends" things become awkward and emotionally confusing. Thanks for sharing!

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       CJ Sledgehammerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Most romantic couples invest too much too soon. Many couples merge their bodies, spirits, and minds in a sexual union before the wedding bells chime; when they break up, they feel as though their spirit, mind, and bodies have been violated and abused

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       Sarah Christinaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       I totally agree. If I knew in the past what I know now...there would have been much less heartbreak.

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    CARIBQUEENposted 12 years ago

    "I hate you and I do not want to see you anymore".  Do not harbor ill-feelings towards anyone. Resentment brings bitterness which can destroy you internally.  Let the person go in peace and free your mind. You should retain joy and happiness within yourself.  Do not burn the bridges you may have to cross again.

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    1. 89

       midget38posted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Correct, not only does resentment breed bitterness, there are also things about yourself that lead to any break up and it wouldn't be fair to blame them.

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    Samith Jhonposted 12 years ago

    When you know that you’re truly going to leave the relationship, don’t stay longer to avoid hurting your partner.

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    1. 89

       midget38posted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Agreed!

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    CJ Sledgehammerposted 12 years ago

    It has been awhile since I have been in the dating pool, but if memory serves - never tell a woman that she doesn't have what it takes, but her sister might.
    
    Now, I can't remember if that's what precipitated the violent slap across my face or perhaps it was some other precious little nugget I may have surrendered. Other than the burning sensation across my entire right cheek...I thought things went fairly well.

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       Sarah Christinaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Smooth, CJ, real smooth. LOL!

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    pstraubie48posted 12 years ago

    Avoid bashing the person that was once a person you obviously had feelings for at some point.
    It does not make us look better to make someone else look bad. It usually takes both of you to cause the relationship to sour.
    One person usually gives more than the other in a relationship and sometimes the one who is more committed may choke the life out of the relationship.
    Bashing an ex is not necessary. Sometimes two people just do not have the chemistry to make a relationship work or they do not have the same long term views. Sometimes after the pain is gone, the two can become best friends.
    I was very much in love and the love was returned many years ago after I was divorced. I had to move home, 4 hours from where my love lived, to care for my elderly ill parents. Our romantic relationship did not last but we are friends even these 30 years later.
    If we had engaged in hurtful remarks and behavior we would have missed out on a wonderful long lasting friendship.

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       CJ Sledgehammerposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Indeed. It is never wise to burn bridges.

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    snapbackbettyposted 12 years ago

    I would avoid saying anything mean to the other person. It's already hard enough to break up some times and if that person is hurt they don't need anything else that would hurt them more.

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    filipinofoodsposted 12 years ago

    I will tell her the reason why I am breaking up with her but I would avoid saying things that would add emotional pain as much as possible.

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    Marcus99posted 12 years ago

    I'm sorry but, your sister really was an overall better person. I mean, come on, is it really necessary to sleep with that stupid retainer thingy? Man, that thing makes the weirdest noise when you snore. Oh, yeah, it's not you, it's me.

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