Quilting retreat that went wrong. What would you do?
I recently went on a quilting retreat that went just completely wrong. I don't take many vacations so I was upset I even spent the money for this one. One of the ladies we went with got mad at us for very minor things and suddenly almost from day one would not speak to a couple of us. Some of the ladies say we should understand and forgive her.
I have to deal with her at quilting classes and have decided not to go to the classes anymore. What do you think should do, go or not?
Forgiving is excellent, and asking the lady what might be troubling her is also excellent, if this is possible to do; but the problem should not be allowed to continue, because it sounds abusive. If so, she is in pain and causing pain. There may be a physical cause, or not; or someone hurt her feelings, or any number of causes..
On the practical side, I'd call and speak with the person that runs the quilting classes and ask for advice. I would not pay for classes in which one member is permitted to be abusive or rude continually and I would say this to the class instructor or shop owner, whoever is in charge. Perhaps that person has insight and understanding into the problem. If not, he or she will be alerted to pay attention to it and try to find a solution. Heping someone and NOT losing business are always good together.
The classes are not paid for classes just a group of us that have gotten together once a week to quilt. It is in a quilt shop and I would rather not get anyone else involved, as it is I feel bad that the other ladies on the trip got caught up in this
That makes the situation more difficult. What do you think is the best thing to do?
I would not allow another person to keep me from an activity I enjoy. Indeed forgiveness is something powerful. It ends bitterness and resentment. So you can forgive her without feeling the need to be her confidant or friend. Be pleasant but reserved and continue to participate in your quilting group.
She did say she was sorry to me but not to my friend. I know she has some family problems. I feel it would now be hard to talk to her or be around her. She was a person that I hung out with a lot. I know I did nothing wrong to cause this.
Maybe there is something she'd like to talk about that is upsetting her - family, illness? Maybe she will open that topic.
Generally speaking, quilt classes do not last like a retreat does so it is not quite the same dynamic. I would not let one person keep me from going to a class or even a retreat as I would not give anyone that kind of power over me.
Whatever the minor issue or issues that caused the initial rift were, they are in the past. Unless the same issues will come up again, I would leave it in the past and not bring it up unless the angered woman chooses to address the issue. Even then I would try not to be reactive. Without more data to go on, a blind stab in the dark here is that there is a real issue bothering this woman that is not any of the stated ones she gave. Others saying to be understanding also supports there is something else affecting this woman's whole life.
If you find she is affecting your enjoyment of a class, you have more options than just not going to classes. You can find the same kind of class at another time or even another venue.(my quilt shop has more than one session of any given class to accommodate different schedules.)
You can confront the woman and tell her you want to enjoy the class so would like to leave her issues at the door. The real key is not to lose your temper with what you are seeing as childish behavior. You can talk to the class organizers to see if another time / class can be arranged so you can choose to avoid unpleasantness. It sounds like your friend who did not get an apology is your real issue as you want to show support and the problem is with her and your friend more than with you.(guessing here) Your friend who has not gotten an apology, would she accept one if it was offered? Can you be supportive of your friend without any intercession with the angry participant?
Whatever you choose to try or do, keep in mind that if you can shift your own perspective you can find a way to deal with this woman. If you can shift hers, you are doing a service that may or may not be respected or valued. Probably easier to shift yours and your friends, and your friend may not see the wisdom in such a shift.
The bottom line is that you cannot change anyone but yourself. I hope you do not lose the group over one participant. There are other groups, or can be.
This question thing is not working right.
silvatungfox, this woman is having some family problems but aren't we all and I don't take this kind of thing out on my friends. I wish her happyness but it won't happen around me. Talked it over with my husband and have decided to find a different class to go to or just stick with my quilting at home. Thank you for your answer.
I couldn't add this to the bottom of your answer so I put it here.
unfortunately the world is populated with large numbers of obnoxious people. by not attending something you enjoy, you are allowing them to direct that part of your life. so they win twice. don't let that happen. i would attend and start a rumor about their deviant sex life.
I have never been in a quilting group but I have been in a variety of other groups and let me tell you... it can be the most amazing thing if you have the right people but it only takes one bad apple to make the whole thing go sour. I cannot tell you how many groups I really liked that I quit because of some hostile or crazy personality showed up and started ruining it for everyone.
My advice is either find another group that works for you or start your own. It is a lot of work if you start your own but you would have the power to kick volatile personalities out at your discretion. Good luck!
It seems so sad for you to miss out on an activity you love because of someone else's behavior. If you can start another class easily or join another class that is just as good, then that's great, but if it's not simple or easy you may find yourself really losing something that is important to you.
I don't think forgiveness is about understanding or excusing someone else's behavior. Forgiveness is often needed most when the hurtful actions have the least excuse. I think forgiveness is deciding that you will no longer carry the burden of anger and resentment against another, that you will release the hurt for your own sake. It doesn't have much to do with the other person at all, really. It's more about stopping your own hurt from continuing.
I guess in the end you are the only person who can say what is best for your own health and peace of mind. If class would be intolerable with this person then choosing another one might be worth the effort.
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