What is your secret for getting along with your ex-spouse

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   RealityTalkposted 12 years ago

   What is your secret for getting along with your ex-spouse
   
   I have not seen or spoken with my ex-spouse in over 20 years.  I know many divorce couples however who come to sporting events, and other events, together - maybe in separate cars - but they attend the events and remain civil to each other.  I admire that in them.  Is the answer the mutual children?  I never had children with my ex-spouse so I have no reason to remain in contact with her.  Just curious.  And if the reason for civility is the children, is it difficult?  And is it especially difficult if the ex-spouse brings a new lover or spouse to these events, which I see as common?
   
   

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   JThomp42posted 12 years ago

   I didn't have children with my ex either. It has been I suppose since the day of the divorce since we have spoken. I wouldn't think anything healthy could come from it.

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      RealityTalkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I understand completely.  We are most likely in the same camp on this one.

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3. 91

   Billie Kelpinposted 12 years ago

   My former husband and I have one lovely child together.  When he would take her on weekends when she was 13 to 18, we pretended to talk and smile and try to be pleasant.  After she graduated from college, we never spoke again. He moved merely 3 blocks away with the other woman and I never, ever felt comfortable around my own neighborhood, going to Target or to a restaurant, or to the gas station - always afraid I'd run into them together.  It was torture, pure emotional torture.  Now I live thousands of miles away near my daughter.  I gave up my lovely home, a perennial garden that I had worked years in creating, everything that was familiar and comfortable for me, dear friends - just so I wouldn't ever have to experience that pain again.  At the very least, he could have moved out of our neighborhood.  He never did. Divorce is horrible.  It has been a great of work trying to refocus on present blessings and not past pain.  It never goes away, but I have been able to experience happiness in spite of it.  It's like walking around with constant ringing in your ears.  It would be nice if it would go away, but you distract yourself and search for ways to make your present life wonderful.

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      RealityTalkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Billie,
      I feel for you.  It is terrible you felt you had to leave your home & friends. I agree, your ex should have been more considerate.  Moving was probably the best thing however.  I hope you are happier now.

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   fpherj48posted 12 years ago

   RT....No secret.  We do have children.....who are certainly not children any longer, since they're married with children of their own.  But, having said this, we live nearly 2 hours apart (growing up, the kids lived with me)....and I would say that for a long time, we were "civil" and we "tolerated" one another when we HAD to be in close proximity. It became easier as time went on, I guess.
   Although there is no love-lost......there simply is no denying a "bond" of sorts, between 2 people with kids in common.  More than anything else, we do respect each other as the parents of our sons.  Neither of us got into that "poisoning the kid's minds) immaturity.  IMO, that is about the most selfish, cruel thing an adult can do to a child.   We can dislike...even hate someone as an "EX".....but one is NEVER an EX-parent!   
   Ironically, as much as I encouraged my sons to call, contact and visit their Dad....they moved themselves further and further away from him, as they felt he was just this side of "dead beat."  This makes me sad.  I can't help but think one day my boys will regret having done this.....but they're adults and my influence has surely waned...They're stubborn..LIKE THEIR DAD!   LOL!
   He (their Dad) actually calls ME to inquire as to our sons.  We can speak without any argument or issues......which we couldn't do married!  LOL...now that I think of it, RT......the SECRET to getting along is that WE HAVE NO NEED TO BOTHER ANYMORE......and who cares??  Thanks for reminding me! 

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      RealityTalkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for your comment Paula.  You sound like a great mother.  I've handled a few divorces in my time & seen some vindictive parents who put children in the middle.  I have also seen some great divorced parents; you sound like one of them.

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      fpherj48posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Well, shucks...Thank you kindly.  All I can say with complete honesty is:  I TRIED LIKE HELL......EVERYDAY.  and am I ever glad it's behind me!  Whew!.....Now I simply SPOIL 12 grandchildren.  My REVENGE!

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   lburmasterposted 12 years ago

   By ending the marriage on a positive note. It could be recognizing the divorce process was difficult, or deciding on the divorce as a couple, etc. It might not be the children. When children are in a divorce, it can get nasty. If the ex-spouse brings a new lover, it can be difficult if not handled well. But it can be a smooth process.

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   dashingscorpioposted 12 years ago

   Your statement: "I (never had children) with my ex-spouse so I have no reason to remain in contact with her." pretty much says it all. There is no reason for couples who divorce with (no children) to stay in contact if they do not have to. I have not seen or heard from ex since our divorce. I suspect she has remarried like myself.
   The only exceptions where I would imagine there might be contact is if a couple grew up and remain living in a small town. Maybe they dated through high school, attended the same church, shop at the same local stores, and members of both familes had formed a strong bond over the years. It's unlikely that the familes would suddenly become 'The Hatfields and McCoys' because of a divorce.
   Even under the best of circumstances I would imagine the person who did not want a divorce or who was "hurt/betrayed" in some way leading to the divorce will always have a (tinge of bitterness) each time they encounter their ex espeically if she or he is with their new mate unless they too have found happiness with one of their own.

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      RealityTalkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Interestingly, my ex occasionally has made contact w/a relative of mine.  My brother's 1st wife remained in contact with our family & still does.  It seems more contact w/relatives than ex-spouses however.

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