What are the qualities you consider to be the "total package" when dating?
So many people focus on appearance and exterior (style, clothing, or image) while failing to investigate the heart/beliefs of a man/woman. When considering a long term relationship the baby boomer generation had simple desires: is this a nice person, attractive, a person who cares for me and would make a good wife/husband. Now everyone is so focused on looks & image while disregarding substance. We see endless marriages and divorces that take place within 1 year because the relationships are superficially based.
What qualities do you find valuable in a person for a long-term relationship?
I was never stuck on image or style or any of that superficial nonsense. My big things were I wanted someone who is active and willing to go out into the outdoors in the summer time. No couch potatoes for me sorry. My other must haves were someone who was compassionate towards others, who was open-minded, had a good sense of humor and was intelligent. I ended up with the right partner for me who is all those things. I can't stand superficiality though - like at all, so that's probably why I didn't fall into the trap of wanting a specific look etc. When I was dating, if I couldn't hold an interesting conversation with you after an hour it was time to move on. I came through one bad marriage and the second time around was determined to wait for the right partner. So glad I did In time, good looks fade and I knew i wanted someone who I would always want to talk to.
Aside from being attracted to the person, I always looked for someone who was thoughtful, polite (if he didn't hold the door open for me, forget it). I also looked for someone who was close to his family, the way a person interacts with their family says a lot.
I am no longer dating, since I got married a few years ago. However, just like with other relationships, my focus would be on finding compatibility and testing it during times of hardships and/or stress. It is easy to be friends, lovers, etc. when times are good. The true personality and compatibility are revealed when times get hard.
Very true! Everyone believes they have found their 'soul mate" during the "infatuation phase" of a new relationship. It's not until both people reveal their 'authentic selves" in stressful times that you'll know if you are right for one another.
When dating just be yourself and and you will learn more about the other person off-course appearance does matter but show the true you and you will see good results. Don't listen to what others have to say.It is your life
Being a "Baby Boomer" I can tell you that men in particular have always valued being attached to women. Most men aren't going to marry someone or even ask them out just because they are a "nice person"
The main things most men (initially) look for are physical attraction, friendly personality, great sense of humor, and an indication that she is also attracted to him. (This is usually done with some subtle flirting on her part.)
Ideally the goal is to marry someone who shares your same values, wants the same things for the marriage that you do, (naturally agrees) with you on how to obtain those things, and last but not least there is a (mutual) depth of love and desire for one another.
As for the state of marriage today; statistics actually show that couples are (delaying marriage) longer than at any other time in history. The vast majority of people do not get married after only knowing one another for a year or less.
Another statistic indicates it is (women) who initiate the divorce filings 66% or 2/3rds of the time in the U.S. Speculation is the women of today have better career opportunities and more financial freedom than previous generations. The more options one has the less crap they're willing to put up with!
I believe the number one cause for divorce is and always has been (selecting) the "wrong mate" for one's self. This happens for a variety of reasons including your assertion that some of them don't invest enough time getting to know their mate prior to saying "I do." Essentially they were shopping without a "list".
In other instances they have never really done any serious introspection thinking to figure out what it is they want and need in a mate for life. Happenstance or impulsive connections led them to wed
The number two cause for divorce in my opinion is people get married for the "wrong reasons". (They hit an age goal, an ultimatum was given, an unplanned pregnancy, all their friends were married, just got tired of being single, someone in the military was about to be shipped out...etc)
The number three cause for divorce is mates change. (Some commit "deal breakers" such as cheating/abuse, neglect/grow apart, stop wanting the same things in life or fall out of love.) It's not uncommon to hear someone say: ":He/she is not the same person I fell in love with."
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