Second Wife, Happy Life!

1. 61

   KM Scullionposted 6 years ago

   Anyone else out there who isn't concerned/insecure about being the second wife? My DH and I have both been married before.  We have our pasts and children with other people, I see so many people comment about being the "second" and it being bothersome.  Honestly, I think to myself "I'm glad he worked out all the kinks with her".  She got the boy, I get the man! 
   
   Why do we as women worry about this?

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   1. 72

      dashingscorpioposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Human beings make mistakes in (all) areas of life including choosing a mate or spouse. When it's all said and done a divorce is a public admission a mistake was made in someone's mate selection process.
      
      There are three basic reasons why most couples get divorced.
      
      1.  They (chose) the wrong mate. (They're too incompatible.)
      
      2.  A "deal breaker" was committed in the eyes of another.
      
      3.  They gradually fell out of love or stopped wanting the same things.
      
      Oftentimes a first marriage occurs while many people are still young and pursue relationships and marriage without having taken the time to do some serious introspective thinking to figure out who (they) are let alone know what they want and need in a mate for life.
      
      It's the equivalent of going shopping without a list!
      
      In addition people oftentimes get married for the "wrong reasons" especially the first time. (an unplanned pregnancy, had an age goal, all of their friends were engaged or married, a perspective spouse had money, an ultimatum was given, someone was about to be deployed in the military, they just got "tired of being single", or feared ending up alone)
      
      Getting married for the (wrong reasons) is as bad as marrying the wrong person! A marriage based upon "circumstances" is likely to fail.
      
      Dating or marrying a divorced person has long lost it's stigma.
      With divorce rates as high as they are everyone knows someone close to them who has been divorced even if they themselves are not divorced.
      
      People who have an issue with being the "second wife or husband" need to stop competing with their spouse's ex or any partners from (their past).
      
      "Jealousy is when you count someone else's blessings instead of your own."
      
      With all the challenges there are to merging two lives together and possible blended families, no one needs to manufacture head games.
      Like most mistakes and failures, ideally a person learns from them.
      
      "Knowledge is being aware that fire can burn: Wisdom is remembering the blister." - Leo Tolstoy
      
      As for why women "worry" about being a second wife?
      
      I don't believe they "worry" so much as they (resent) coming in "second" to any woman! A lot of females never stopped being catty or competitive with other women even as adults. There is no true "sisterhood".
      
      Having to (share a man) directly or indirectly with another woman can be a challenge for a lot of women especially if their husband was not the one who filed for divorce or wanted out of his the first marriage.
      Odds are the second wife's husband wasn't the one who filed for divorce.
      
      The second wife (believes the first wife thinks she is superior) because his new wife is with her "reject". {He wasn't good enough for her!}
      
      In the U.S. it's been reported (women) initiate 66% or 2/3rds of all divorce filings. It's rare when a man is the first one to run down to the courthouse.
      
      We see other examples of women hating being "second".
      For instance a man walks into a nightclub where three women are seated at a table. He asks one of them to dance and she says no. Odds are if turns around and asks the other two they will both say no as well! 
      
      One of them would have probably said yes had they been asked (first). Women resent being "second" to other women!
      
      Having to see their husband's ex at school functions, possibly at family gatherings especially those concerning grandparents, and after school activities, or deal with the possible stresses of him and his ex co-parenting are constant reminders for the second wife that he will never be truly free from his first wife. She may see her as being a thorn in her side.
      
      Women are also often the first to call other women bad names, put them down for how they're dressed, their weight, hair, and so on.
      
      In the U.S. "People Magazine" from time to time will publish photos of two (women) celebrities wearing very similar outfits with the caption
      "Who wore it best?" They never do this with (male) celebrities.
      
      (A lot of women tend to view each other as being "the competition".)
      
      Nevertheless it's important to acknowledge oftentimes it's the (first wife) who resents or hates the (second wife). This is often true if the second wife is younger, very attractive, or is quickly loved and accepted by (her children) and former in-laws. It is especially true if the first wife has not found a (new husband or love) of her own.
      
      Some people simply HATE to see their (exes) happy!
      
      

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   2. 79

      fer-nieposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      ... because worrying is in everyone's blood and nobody likes to be the second.
      
      Of course, things happen. And that's a part of life, isn't it? Learning from your mistakes and pushing forward.
      
      When you realize you're with the wrong person, you don't cry about it. You either make something out of it or you don't. And most of the time, you'll move on and find someone else.
      
      This is a personal problem more than anything, looking back at the past and making assumptions and getting hurt over what doesn't really matter anymore. There will always be inner demons behind our minds, hiding. We will always be self-conscious about our past, and will always question if we're just a second option.
      
      But, thinking you're inferior in comparison to your partner's previous wife is a fool's gambit. They didn't work for a reason. Men only get better, and so do women. You have also left your previous partners for a reason, and at the end of the day, regardless of who you're with, you have learned something new about yourself. You both understand yourselves so much more, and you know what you want out of your next.
      
      So, it depends on who you are: are you a positive thinker, looking forward most of the time? Or are you a negative thinker, looking behind you constantly? If your husband makes you happy, and you make your husband happy, be done with the ill feelings of being the 'sloppy second'. Be grateful, for god's sake.
      
      P.S., I don't see any females responding at this time. I would love to see some diversity, so if you're a woman and haven't put your thoughts, do so!

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