Why do so many marriages end in divorce
I am curious to hear from those who have gone through a divorce themselves. Why did you divorce your spouse? Why did your spouse divorce you? Do you even know? If the desire for divorce was one-sided, do you as the divorced spouse believe the divorcing spouse was honest in their reasons for wanting divorce?
In my opinion the number one cause for divorce is and always has been (selecting) the wrong mate for one's self.
This happens for numerous reasons. Most often it is because the majority of people do not do much introspective thinking to determine who they are, what they want, or need in mate for life. We don't enter into relationships with complete awareness and we choose to ignore red flags. Very often we have "unrealistic expectations".
The vast majority of relationships come about through "happenstance" without a lot of "long-term" thought. Others choose to get married for the "wrong reasons" (getting old, expecting/had a baby, all their friends were married, "it's the next step", ultimatum given, mate is successful...etc) None of which have anything to do with being "in love" with the person and investing time to see if you want the same things for a marriage as well as (agree) on how to obtain them.
When it is all said and done a divorce is nothing more than a public admission that a "mistake" was made.
Human beings make mistakes in every area of their lives including their love lives and (mate selection). Our society has opted to spend more time teaching couples how to compromise, fit square pegs into round holes, or change water into wine (after) a nuptial rather than help people make better mate selections for themselves in the first place! Pre-marital therapy should be huge!
Lastly the biggest change over the past decades has been better job opportunities and financial gains for women. Many women of today do not have to rely on a man financially the way their grand-mother may have had to do. The more opportunities or options one has the less crap they are likely to take! LOL!
According to a recent survey it is (women) who initiate the filing of divorce in America 66% or 2/3rds of the time! Divorced men also tend to (re-marry) sooner than divorced women. Maybe it's because women become disenchanted with marriage when it doesn't live up to the fantasy while men discover added benefits.
My first marriage ended in divorce because I definitely chose the "wrong mate" and I got married for the wrong reasons. I was 32 and I thought: "Why not?" Lesson learned! If you (really) don't want to get married than don't. Divorce isn't easy!
My 1st wife was my "wrong mate." I like marriage however. I played a lot before & after 1st, but I like marriage. My 1st marriage & my playing taught me a lot. My current marriage has been the happiest 20 yrs. of my life.
You know most people don't learn from their mistakes, and then they either blame others for their crappy life or they think they are unfortunate. Everyone does mistakes, the important part is what you learn. I believe everything happens for a cause.
I think the problem is people rush into marriage and think it is going to be a fairy tale. Then when the honeymoon is over, reality slaps them in the face. It takes a lot of work and dedication to make a marriage work. Love is not enough.
I am divorced. The reason being after many, many years, I think we had both changed so drastically and could no longer make one another happy. I myself do not believe in divorce; except in the case of adultery, so she is the one who handled everything. I didn't even acquire an attorney.
JThomp42, Sounds like your ex-wife was one of the 66% of women who filed for the divorce. After I read an article I asked my divorced friends who (filed) for the divorce and I have yet to come across one man who initiated the filing in my group.
I guess I'm of the 34%. My 1st was just wrong. I tried everything; she didn't. My current wife of 20 yrs. today & I try everything together. That's why it works.
That's great Reality. Wishing you another happy 20 years.
JThomp42, Thank you! I'm sorry you had to go thru a divorce. I did once too. It is difficult. I wish you well!
RT, I've been meaning to write a hub on this and I think I know how I might do it after your question. (Might take a while).
"Why do so many marriages end in divorce?" Here's my PERSONAL opinion in answer to your question:
Answer: For the same reason the 19 heroes in AZ died. Often, there is no reason. Not one thing was done wrong. Dr. Scott Haltzman recently was on our local NPR station stating his findings that marriages that end in divorce are often no better or worse than marriages that don't. Circumstances happen - a confluence of events if you will - a "perfect" storm -
Then should married couples throw up their hands and just cross their fingers? No. The incredible preparedness of that elite team was the only thing that COULD have saved them given ordinary circumstances. So you need to practice all the virtues we all KNOW by now make a marriage work - selfishness in understanding another's emotional needs, patience, on and on...
In the future there will be better survivor shelters for firefighters in this situation. You need to make YOUR marriage fire shelter resistant to any storm. How? by working on your own emotional health, by not taking things personally, by creating fun and laughter, by looking at old pictures together, by surrounding yourself with family and friends who support your union, by never stepping over that line that will take you right to the barren grass that seems to glisten from afar. Thanks for this question, RT. You know from my other posts that my motto is from despair.com, "Maybe the sole purpose of your existence is to serve as a warning to others." It's the black humor of my life and all dark humor expresses a truth.
Hopefully, I'll get to this long over-due hub of my perspective on divorce soon. Cheers, Billie
Billie, I cannot wait to read your Hub. For me, my current marriage of 20 yrs. has worked because it started as a friendship. It wasn't sexual attraction. It was common interests leading to common concern, compassion, feelings & love.
Billie - I'd love to read your hub, too. Re the 19 firefighters - I'd like to point out that people do not choose to die in disasters; but they do choose to divorce. Since this disrupts society's fabric, maybe that option should be more difficult?
Say Yes, I see what you're saying about that imperfect analogy. I was just trying to say that sometimes you can do everything right and divorce happens. It is a choice, but not for both (usually) and maybe not even for the person choosing ( ?)
What was the cause of my divorce? My husband left in 1988. That's about 25 years to my calculations. And after all that time, do I have a clear idea of what was wrong? NO. I'll simply leave you with some quotes and facts from that time, and see if anything emerges that will help or is relevant for readers because heaven knows, I have had counseling for years, and to this day, don't exactly get it.
Husband's age at the divorce: 40 Other's woman's age: 40
Other's woman's husband age: 40 My age: 42
Husband upon leaving: "You're a wonderful wife and a wonderful mother."
Song Husband played on guitar 3 months before turning 40.
The Great Mandela:
"Get your place on the great mandela as it moves through your brief moment of time. Win or lose now, you must choose now, and if you choose, you're only losing your life."
Father-in-Law: "I'm in shock. I've been to your house. I saw him dip you down in the kitchen and kiss you my last visit."
Brother-in-Law: Well, you know, are parents weren't exactly stellar examples of marriage. Maybe that's it. Maybe he's gay.
In the two years before the divorce was final while seeing the other woman:
Husband to me: "I'm stuck."
Husband to me, smiling: I heard you confronted (the other woman- he seemed pleased at that)
"I was looking for my mother" (?????)
Husband many years after the divorce to my daughter:
"I did it to myself."
Perhaps If you're turning 40 or 50 or any of those significant birthdays, watch out! You shouldn't make any major decisions until months after that birthday But seriously, I will add that the devastation of divorce in our family is incalculable. I'll leave the rest for all of you to figure out. I don't need to try anymore; I just need to accept.
I'm 56 & look at dating as not for me. I'm happily married still. I wrote Question, because as u said, answers aren't always there or obvious. My same-age friend married 4 35 yrs. is seeking divorce now. I don't think he knows why.
VeRy InterResting! Especially your comment about certain ages! My favorite high school teacher made 60 last year, and she said she and her husband were going through hard times. She said it's unusual to stay married 40 years in this day and age.
Married couples are divorced, friends drift apart, partnerships dissolve, individuals are hired, and sometimes, fired, People make promises and they break them, take vows and ignore them, start college and drop out, begin an exciting career....then lose interest.......
Men and women ....pretend, play games, lie, cheat and betray. Some marry for the wrong reason.....make poor choices....change, grow and look for more or "different."
All things have a beginning.....and all things end....in one way or another, for any number of reasons. If you think it's not this simple, or black and white, think AGAIN.
No one stays the same.......if 2 people click and create a bond, make conscientious efforts toward give and take, that's a good start. The journey is full of surprises..not always pleasant. Some hang in there, some simply see no reason to struggle.
Marriage is a union, a commitment and a full time job.....it's a friendship, a partnership and a meeting of the hearts & minds. Only when two people want all of this to last, improve and flourish, can it do so. It is only when they BOTH, sincerely want each other in their lives.....and both are willing to go forward together toward the same goals in life.....and have a genuine LOVE of one another.......that divorce is not an option.
I do not and will not discuss my own divorce, openly. IMO, for all intents and purposes, divorce is a very personal and private matter....not the business of others. To drag one another through the mud, in order to justify a split......is most egregiously unfair to our children. They love BOTH of us.
I have thought and rethought this question for a number of years.
I think it is because we often fail to communicate and use the right words with those closest to us. Also we often react instead of act from the get go, we marry too fast and divorce with the same speed.
I married very young and my marriage ended in divorce because I was young and clueless and as someone pointed out had figured out many years ago that I did not need someone to financially support me. I thought it was just a trial separation time for me to get my head together and also to be honest “party and have some fun”. The whole thing snowballed and before I realized we said the words and it was over.
Now years later we have remarried and discussed all the things that led to our divorce and the number one thing that came to mind was our lack of being able to talk to one another about “US” and in my opinion my inability to distinguish kind, hardworking and quiet from boring. (I read too many romance novels when I was young.)
I agree "communication" is the most important aspect of marriage. My 1st wife would not communicate. If mad, she could stay silent for a week. No communication leads to no marriage.
I'm still in a marriage of almost forty years, but I can tell you divorce has entered my mind many times over the years and the older we get the less we can communicate a problem away. He has no affection toward me yet acts jealous over silly stuff. Communication is important and so is affection. Without either you are prone to be unhappy. One spouse should not expect the other to read minds or be the soul problem solver both financial or otherwise. Life is too short to be cruel or selfish with those who care for you and tend to most of your affairs. A relationship should be a two way street, but many couples face a one sided ordeal and I know I am not alone. It is no wonder so many end up in divorce courts.
There is help for you: http://wizzley.com/intimacy-anorexia-is … ges-apart/ I have been through this so I have personal knowledge of what you are talking about.
I'm sorry things aren't perfect. Marriage can be difficult. My 1st was & ended in divorce. I think people can end up in bad routines they never or can't change. Wishing u better. We all deserve to be happy.
I went through a divorce. When I constantly got told that I was having an affiar (I did with on person and it was an emotional affair) I aksed my spouse where do I sign on the line? He was having an affair and my parent's told me about it when they caught him. That is when I had the emotional affair because my husband was not there--physical or emotional or even financially.
I don't believe in divorce, but he put me through so much stuff that I could not take anymore -even if that meant that I would loose everything (which I did, children included)
I am sure my ex made up things as he went along with the affairs and such, so I am not sure why he wanted the divorce. He would blame everything on me, want a six course meal when he got home...not bad but it would be after I walked 2 miles to and from the Elementary school I volunteered at everyday in Florida mind you. I was soaked by the time I got home. I was just tired of his accusations, which were false. I don't think he has an honest bone in his body.
I hope life is better for you now. And I hope you still have a relationship with your kids. I wish you all the best
Regarding his accusations; there is a French saying that no man thinks to look under the bed unless he's hidden there himself.
Oh I came clean with hin about my affair and told him about it. Stonefaced he was. I was raped and he did not believe and and that was the reason I signed the papers. After divorced he told me that the rape it was 2 bizzare. How do U think I fel
Lady Guinevere - sorry about that! I had a roommate who, after having been married 7 years, suffered a flashback of childhood molestation. Her husband was indifferent. She couldn't live with that, so she divorced, and never married again.
I have never been married (this means I have ALL the answers! LOL!).
While divorce rates run about 50% in the US, they vary according to region (highest in the South, lowest in the Northeast); religion (highest among Nondenominational Christians, lowest among Atheists); and race (highest among African Americans, lowest among Asians).
The late great anthropologist Margaret Mead, who herself has been married and divorced 3 times, says no culture she has studied had marriages that lasted that didn't exert tremendous pressure to stay together. There is also a saying that after the first year, everyone has a reason to get divorced; what is needed are more reasons to stay together.
Personally, I wonder if what is needed is to be raised with better marriage values. In the US, anyone can get divorced, so there must be a reason why some regions, religions, and cultures stay together more than others. Obviously laws don't work.
Why have I never married? Because my family is so horrifically dysfunctional, I'm afraid of the institution.
http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/hea … 50126268/1
Say Yes To Life, interesting statistics. Maybe someday u will marry. I don't think marriage is 4 everyone thou. I like being married. I think marriage should be like a friendship. Friends seem to last 4-ever. Sexual attraction dies quickly.
I've given this a lot of thought over the years. These are the reasons I believe contribute to divorce:
1) People are selfish in general. We are a spoiled "compete with Jones'" instant society and this has been our downfall for many reasons.
a) We should worry about planning the MARRIAGE and spend time and energy on THAT rather than the "show wedding".
b) Most do NOT take a premarital class or have counseling with a pastor or priest before marriage.
c) Instantly, we can apply for a license and in most states be married in 30 days. (Same with divorce).
d) It's not just that women have potential for financial independence (and that's not a bad thing), but women and men have been connected in the workplace. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard of a man and woman who work nights together (alone) that wind up in some kind of relationship. Before WWII made it so acceptable for a woman to work, she was at home tending the home. You know? I'm not saying we don't have the integrity to work beside the opposite sex without a relationship, it's just that it has contributed some to the increase in the divorce rate. (I'm sure you've heard the stories too).
e) We do not ask the right questions when dating. Plain and simple. We lead right into the player's cards by leading the questions rather than extracting valuable information. Example: I love dogs, but hate cats, what about you? What we should have asked is "What animals do you like or dislike? A player is going to tell you what you want to hear.
2) In ignorance, we have endorsed a society that believes it's okay to sleep around and meet a future spouse at a bar and then later when we have an alcoholic on our hands, we can't understand what went wrong and why they are a bad parent.
3) Perhaps most importantly, love is a choice and not a feeling and we should go to the altar with that in mind. Love is when you want to make that person's day every day. Love is when a woman has respect for a man and a man shows a woman affection. Consider marriage a plant. You nurture it, give it room to breathe, weed out the bad, fertilize it with nutrients.
4) Lastly, we are on a downward spiral because divorce models for the children that there are quitters and absent parents make raising children even harder. Also, where children are concerned, we just simply set a double standard and do not teach our boys how to be husbands nearly as much as we teach our daughters how to be wives.
You made some very valid comments. I cannot disagree. Marriage should not be entered into unless the couple "know each other." Really know each other. Marriage is not just sex & fun. It is friendship, concern for the other & so much more.
In this day and time the attitude is that if this relationship doesn't work out then I will find another. One reason people lives together instead of getting married is so the breakup will be less of a headache and less time-consuming. People expect to break up after a while. In a relationship where intimacy is present sexuality feels like spirituality
In the days when my parents got married, it was a life long commitment. My parents married in 1936 and remained together until my mother passed away.
The number one killer of a relationship is the lack of intimacy. In todays, society the fear of intimacy is a big problem. How often have you revealed yourself to someone you felt that you could trust, just to have them use it against you? Or they become angry with you, causing you to regret bringing it up in the first place.
When intimacy is present in a partnership, it raises sexual pleasure, and passion. In a r4elationship where intimacy is present sexuality feels like spirituality
Your definition of intimacy is EXTREMELY important (i.e. the ability to 'reveal yourself to someone you feel you can trust'.) I would add that if a person feels he or she can't reveal himself or herself, it's ESSENTIAL to express that to the spouse.
I agree. In my 1st marriage, my wife was an island unto herself. There was no bridge between her & me. In my current marriage, there r no walls. We communicate & we listen. That is important to a good marriage.
Many people today meet and get married or move in with each other immediately.
Relationships are founded on chemistry, and many couples confuse attraction for love. Therefore, there is no time to form a friendship much less one based on intimacy.
It is always said that 'marriages are made in heaven'. However, the major part of the relationship is made on the earth and by our actions and reactions. It is such a delicate relationship unlike others which needs a lot of care, commitment, trust and also not snatching away the space of each other. Understanding, creating a comfort zone for each other and making their life go easy is the only mantra to keep a healthy relationship and let it grow and be flourished. . Whereas it should be taken into consideration that different relation vary with different people and their need will be different. Thus, same formula can not be applied and expected to be result oriented everywhere.
A very astute comment. Life is different now. Gone the days when couples "needed" each other to survive physically or culturally. Thus a different mindset is needed for today's couples than for those of years gone bye.
Because mama lied to pa and pa lied to mama. No love,both of them lied.
I'm guessing you are right concerning many relationships. If no one is honest from the start, the marriage is headed for disaster.
Regarding honesty, there's a saying: "She thinks he'll change and he doesn't; he thinks she won't change, and she does." Women often act a certain way to attract a man, and try to change aspects of him she doesn't like. That usually leads to ruin.
sincerity is what keeps people together and our generation seems to worst.
As Groucho Marx once said, "The most important thing is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made." LOL!
I am a happily married person for 10 years, does not come in the category of this question to answer but I would like to add something.
No one is perfect in this world. I think differences start arising when we think that I am perfect but the other person is not. The point need to be considered here is if there is a point to differ, it should be discussed mutually and not to be kept in heart. When things are left unsaid, they cause confusion and wrong apprehensions. One of the two could be wrong at a time but the other person should listen it with patience, if nothing is coming up, should be left for some other time to discuss. If you find something disliking in your partner, just consider for a while the other things that you like in that person. This would be a way to keep up together and helping each other to overcome the deficiencies one has in one's self. If both the persons just keep pointing out the weaknesses of the other, this wouldn't help. Both need to patient and cooperative. This is how I believe it should be and how I have been doing so far.
Marriage is a joke to begin with. You don't need a piece of paper to prove your love to someone else. Getting married is like signing the agreement to purchase a new car. People get married because they see it as a normal way of life based on the society and social surroundings in which they live. That being said, a lot of people do things because they see others doing it. Or as monkeys in a cage do, they mimic each other, lol.
I disagree, but I understand. I married my current/2nd wife because it was her 1st & it meant a lot 2 her; I could have just lived w/her. Marriage is more than paper; it says, I commit; I won't leave. Living 2gether says I may leave tomorrow.
I think dj is right.
How can you hate the person you once loved, people claim to be in so much love that nothing else matters but still end up hurting each others feelings after getting married. Its like suddenly you expect more and get dissapointed
AMAZING THINKER, Most people don't divorce because they "hate" the person they loved. They do it because they're unhappy with the life they have with them or their mate hurt them in a major way. Everyone has "deal breakers" if they have self-esteem
Because when two people start to love each other, they cannot figure out whether its love or infatuation. Then again, before the marriage, couples try to please one another and none of them learns to compromise. In India, arrange marriages prove to be good because two persons who do not love each other try to adjust their lives according to the needs of the other and hence they can easily compromise on some things and the marriage proves to be long lasting.
Love comes with sacrifice and care which is not present there before marriage and hence after the marriage when couples cannot adjust, they turn towards divorce.
I once met an 18 year old college freshman woman from India. At the end of the year, she was going to marry a stranger her parents had chosen for her. She wasn't resentful; "Americans marry for love and get divorced, so love isn't everything, is it?"
That's interesting. I never thought of that. It makes good sense. I'm glad I made my choice as it has worked 20+ yrs for me. But there r a lot of people who make nonsensical choices; arranged would be good 4 them, if divorce not an option.
I believe it is because we live in a consumer society. Everything is disposable. We don't bother to repair or fix our things, we throw them and buy new ones. It seems to work the same way with relations. We don't make efforts to pass through our rough times. We divorce and look for a new spouse.
It's like everything is going so fast nowadays, we are not able to stop and take time to see how we can make things work.
Talk to your parents and grandparents, I'm pretty sure they will tell you it was not always the paradise during all the years they were married, but they never divorced!
I believe also we divorce because we were not educated to make efforts. At school, they lower the passing grades to allow more people to graduate. At home, parents buy lots of toys or electronic devices to their children only because every kid around has them. They don't even give them as rewards nor ask their kids to save money in order to buy them by themself.
I believe most of divorces could have had a different - happy - ending with just more patience, compassion, efforts and time.
Your comment brings a thought to mind. Friendships can last forever, but many marriages end in dislike of each other. Why? Should not our spouse be our best friend & as u say, even if divorced, the friendship should continue..
Ohh ,,, I love this question.
I am from that part of world where marriages never failed. Yes I am from India and i am proud of it.
In this part of the world we still have arrange marriages and they are all successful.
The reason being that is divorce is never an option, People try to make their marriage work.,
So ans to your QS Why do so many marriages end in divorce
will be because some people consider divorce as an option even before they marry someone .(in case things doesn't work out well we will take divorce)
They should always select person with whom things will work out and they don't have to repent in the end , Well this is what i think,
Thanks for your comment. A good friend of mine of 10 years was born in India. He moved here at age 18 and still lives here. His father tried to arrange a marriage for him. My friend did not follow through. I think he should have.
Marriages don't end up in divorce here but they are not successful. Not divorced doesn't mean they are happy, Its just that divorces are not an option for women in India, women are not so Independent.
At least after divorce you can start a new life.
AMAZING THINKER, You have a point. In the U.S. 66% or 2/3rds of divorce are filed by (women). Certainly better career opportunities give them more "options". The more options women have the less crap they take! :-)
One man's opinion! :-)
DS, I understand & the pt. is valid about women not taking crap, but there are also women who give a lot of crap. Men take a lot of abuse as go relationships, but there are many women who suck at them too.
People are no more genuine, the media also influences us to commit infidelities.
simple, there is no communication, pride and money are the center
Finances are part of big problem in many marriages, communication, lack of respect, sexless marriages, lack of attention form partners, the monotonous lives can change a partner's mind, loveless marriages as people change and grow older they choose different paths. Dishonest and unfaitful
Also sometimes human beings make mistakes! They choose the wrong partner or they get married for the wrong reasons. Choosing the "right" mate is not an exact science. A divorce is nothing more than a public admission that a "mistake" was made.
I think people are just really hard to get along with. Perhaps a better question would be "Why doesn't everybody get a divorce?"
Sherry, brilliant! I DO think we it's a remarkable illustration of humankind's ability to adapt when people who are living longer and longer stay in loving, nurturing relationships.
I think too many people are trained to accept only instant gratification. It takes ongoing work to keep a marriage alive. The grass looks greener on the other side to many people who neglect to appreciate their evolving spouse. Also, people can evolve in opposite ways.
I believe many marriages end in divorce because many individuals in marriage have a sin problem, and they need to treat their partners the way they want to be treated; righteousness is the best way (according to the Holy Bible).
Wow! I really don't think my former husband and I during our marriage had a "sin problem". We endeavored to be righteous people-marched for social justice issues; my husband chose biomedical engineering instead of making bombs and on and on.
High ideals, settling for less, lies, and money. People are not honest with each other or themselves. They act a certain way to get married and then stop after the day. They expect their partner to change and that's dumb.. If you marry a pig, expecting to make him a cow, it will not work.
Very insightful comment.
Thank you Realitytalk. I wanted to keep going but ran out of characters!
Love is idealistic; reality is what you bump against.
You might add: People (choose) the WRONG mate to marry.
People get married for the WRONG reasons.
Unhappily married people don't stay together as much as they use to! :-)
I really think there are more divorces because our society is immature and expects instant gratification. We wait and have patience for nothing in today's world. There are so many distractions to marriages today, that the chances of them working out is slim. Marriage is quite a gamble. Many people don't get married for the right reasons, have idealized marriage, or simply look at marriage as a business deal. It takes maturity, communication, understanding and love for a marriage to succeed. It takes time and effort to make a marriage work and sacrifices and not all really want Yao do that to make the marriage work. I am divorced because my husband lied to me about a lot of things that I found out about after we were married. We had communication problems and family interference in our marriage. Our marriage should have succeeded but my husband didn't want to put forth the work and effort required.
Sounds like you married the (wrong) man. No amount of communication or work can overcome being with someone who does not want what you do. Divorce is the result of choosing the wrong mate most of the time. We all make mistakes including love/dating.
I had a long talk w/my son just the other night about marriage. I advised he finish school & wait until he meets someone w/common interests, concerns for him & more a friend than good looking. Also, he must receive & he must give.
Many reasons, though it seems the biggest offender (and the reason for 2 divorces in my family from the same parent) is fornication/affairs/lust. John and Kate +8, Tiger Woods...even some of the most "solid" families are easily torn once this disease begins. Sometimes it could be due to lack of solid foundation. Some marriages only happen because of wedlocked children, and when the couple try to make it work, it just doesn't. Other reasons could be to lack of compatibility, rushed relations/marriage dates, or "blind love", or neglect. Sometimes we just get so caught up in other things, we neglect to care for each other. Sonny and Cher is a good example of this too.
For me the cause of divorce, (including my own) can be summarized in one word, "Change" and here's why;
1 Way to many marriages are entered into with one or both of them expecting that once they marry, (voiced or kept quiet) the other will "Change." This can be something as simple as chewing with their mouth open (that drives the other crazy) to a drinking or drug problem. When entering into a marriage both should accept their mate for exactly who they are, even if they have made a promise to change, (huge mistake)
2. People "Change," hopefully as we get older for all the right reasons. Some of us want to become a better person, excel in our careers, want a more spiritual life, etc., etc. This is awesome if the spouse is loving all the new changes, but all to often can lead to everything from jealously, cheating, trust issues, etc. We should know if our spouse wants to better themselves before we commit and be willing to support them.
3. Circumstances "Change" which all to often are beyond our control. As we all know finances, unexpected pregnancies, and way to many more situations can cause an unexpected change in our lives. Far to many times spouses are unable to handle these changes due to the enormous amount of stress factors involved. I have seen way to many relationships crumble for this reason alone. I think most of us know before we take our vows just how well our mates will handle stress, and turn a blind eye hoping that it will never come to pass.
4. Finally, there is a need for "Change" I don't think anyone can honestly state that they want to experience the same routine from now til the end of time. We want humor, excitement, love, and an ability to try new things. This is great if both husband and wife want to try new things, but tragic when these new interests cause them to continually grow apart.
OK that's enough from me. Go have an incredible day and do something your spouse will not only not expect, but be astonished beyond belief that you remembered something they love. Remind yourself of all the incredible traits that made you marry them and I promise you will send all the negative ones out the door.
Very nice ending paragraph! For me & my 20+ years of marriage (my 2nd marriage), unlike my 1st marriage, I have always accepted my wife for who she is. I never expected, nor do I ever expect her to be anyone but who she is.
In today's world, marriage doesn't mean anything any more. It's not kept sacred. The modern idea of marriage is something that you can just throw away when it doesn't suit you anymore. People today would rather just run away than stand up and fight for their marriage. Just like everything else in our society, people want to take the easy way out. That's why the divorce rate in America is so high, because people refuse to try to work things out. Always running away at the first sign of trouble, and frankly, it's a bit sad.
Here is my opinion why divorce happened:
- The couple no longer love each other. It's either One of the couple committed infidelity because the partner's love and care for him/her is no longer the same/intense during their first year/decade of marriage. Boredom strikes,thus, partner is looking for someone who can gives thrill and spice in a relationship like a newly wed couple. That's why we can see sometimes older man looking for younger woman as their partner. (Full of lies.)
- Financial problem. In real aspect, financial matter or future preparedness plays important part in couples lives. There are couples who overcome the said problem but mostly the root of fighting is money. That's why having an affair with someone who is richer or can provide the needs of either of the couple is committed.
-Attitude change. Like in whirlwind romance, you think the person you married is an ideal man but later you'll find out the real him/her - his bad attitude. It can also be if your partner has vices like gambling, alcoholic, and drugs and he/she makes you a battered husband or wife if his/her needs is not provided.
I haven't personally experienced a divorce, but my parents divorced, and I have to say that I've seen quite a few through my years. I think that people split up because they got married for the wrong reasons. They didn't know what it would be like to live together. They acted fake when they were dating and let the real "them" show during the marriage. They wanted security in a partner, not a romance or feeling strongly about the person, which ultimately led to their unhappiness and divorce. They had a child and felt forced to get married, but didn't really want to. The magic started to die, but instead of rekindling it, or putting in an effort to keep the marriage happy, they give up.
The reasons are endless, but I find that if relationships begin by talking about the important things that address those issues rather than "what's your favourite movie?", I think a lot more couples would stay together for longer.
I think those are wise words. It works right if it starts right.
The main reason is EGO!!
If you can't leave the ego at the door I think you shouldn't get married.
Because its always going to be a mess.
When everyone will understand the difference between ego and self respect, there is going to be peace in the world.
I think people should THINK at least 5 times before they speak/ act.
Think of the good things someone has done for you before judging them for their mistakes.
A little communication will help unless you think your partner has mind reading capabilities.
Not everyone (chooses) the "right mate" for themselves or gets married for the "right reasons". It's very possible that people make (mistakes) when selecting life partners. No one questions the possibility of making mistakes in other areas of life.
I think people don't understand what love is. Love is care. Your parents love you most in the world, they care. People claim to be in love with someone they don't really know and that's where they make a mistake, and their don't want to accept it.
I agree. I think what a lot of people think is "love" is really just sexual attraction. A woman once told me, u have to b sexually attracted to someone before loving them. Maybe that's why she's divorced, single w/a trail of failed relationships.
Reality Talk's questions and my answers about marriages and divorce. read more
I think marriages end in divorce because people seem to want to go for looks these days and not personality. I have seen neighbors, loved ones, friends go through divorce and it seems to be the case of one of the 2 wanting a good looking couple instead of someone that they connect with.
I am not divorced, I am happily married. I can't tell you how marriages end, however, I am gaining a lot of experience in what it takes to keep one going. It takes faith, determination, lots of tears, forgiveness, more tears, honesty, trust, loyalty...more tears...courage, understanding, sacrifice, love, and humility.
For a marriage to work, you have to always consider the feelings and needs of your spouse. Some people aren't cut out for marriage, some people aren't ready, and others just rush in too fast. One thing is for sure, marriage is a promise that should not be entered into lightly. Its an eternal promise to love, honor, and cherish another person for the rest of your life...Its huge.
Because people don't really love each other and accept each other. I have never been married (thus never divorced) but I do know a lot of married and divorced people.
I recently attended a cousins wedding. It was great seeing all of my extended family, but it was so sad seeing so many of them in miserable marriages. These are the types of marriages which end in divorce.
One of my cousins married for security. Her father was well off, and she was used to a comfortable life. Therefore, she married a man similar to her father. A boring, passionless man who she obviously does not love. They have three beautiful children, but she is mentally checked out. I don't know that they will divorce, security may be so important to he that she is ok with being miserable for the rest of her life. I don't think I could do that.
Another cousin married because she got pregnant as a teenager. She figured it would be better to marry the father and have a family than struggle alone as a teen mom. She puts on a happy face for events, but it is obvious that she doesn't love him and doesn't want to be with him.
My brother married a girl he can't stand to prove a point to our father. They now have two kids and are completely miserable. I feel bad for the girl, she is very nice and very much in love with him, but he has confided in me, my sister, and my father that he doesn't love her. His only joys in life are his children.
I would only get married if I were 100% completely, utterly, and selflessly in love with the other person, and knew that they felt the same about me. This means accepting the person for who they are, knowing their flaws and loving them in spite of those flaws, not expecting "annoying" behaviors to change but encouraging personal growth (because you love them and want them to succeed and be happy, not because you want them to buy you stuff or to be a status symbol)
Sorry this was wordy, but I really think it boils down to truly and completely loving the other person.
This may sound like an oversimplified response, but I think communication is the key. I believe marriage ends because those in the relationship stop listening with their hearts.
I agree that communication is key to any relationship!
Maybe because people do not want to be alone. I have witnessed so many fast marriages among my friends. They marry fast and sometimes do not know to who they marry. It is really a serious commitment and it should not be done spontaneously.
Maybe people sometimes are afraid and do stupid things. The worst part is when a marriage ends in a divorce and there are kids.
The effect on kids is what disturbs me most about divorce. Split households ... step parents ... mom here ... dad there ... authority/discipline suffers due to the aforementioned. Parents think more of themselves than their kids. Think!
This is a major problem in western countries, not in southern Asian countries. And, the main reason for that is family bondage.
I agree about family. It seems couples r too quick to marry & divorce. Many divorcees that I know seem to be selfish individuals who need to be in charge of their relationships & family. Family & relationships r about sharing, not cont
@Reality Talk, you are absolutely right. I have been married for nearly 5 years. Many times I just thought to quit this relationship, but I couldn't. And, just only because of our families. We live in a small small society but we are somehow related
I agree that communication plays a big role. Also, I believe that too often couples get caught up in placing blame. Becomes a kind of competition to see who can blame who more for what. In reality both are to blame equally. Everyone is an individual and even in a marriage certain choices you make have consequences . The choices you make directly affect the outcome of a situation. No one wants to take fault and it becomes a blame game. thus communication is disrupted. Been there done that and owning up now. making different choices to result in a better outcome and staying open and honest to people and to myself. Life and relationships are much easier now.
Valid comment! If I can add to that. I find "not giving in" and always wanting to be right & have one's own way is behind the "blame" game. Couples need to be flexible and sometimes give in even if they feel they r right & even if they r r
Who is the author of Love? God. So when a relationship or marriage is being made without the Love of Christ being it's foundation...then it will be easily swayed by the issues of this life. Marriage is a relationship between three people: the husband, wife, and Jesus. With Jesus, the author of love, out the picture fasten tight your seat belts because your emotions and that passion you two so possessed in the beginning will die out if it is not being renewed by the love of Christ and guided by his spirit.
I have to disagree. Jesus, if he existed, was a man, not a god. My marriage will only work if my wife & I make it work. A make-believe god has nothing to do with our success. Faith in make believe is a recipe for disaster.
That doesn't explain why non-denominational Christians have the highest divorce rate, and atheists the lowest. Christians expect God to solve their problems, while atheists know it's all on them.
Wise words Say Yes To Life.
I agree with RealityTalk
Bintu, all due respect, ur statement is insulting to those who started/continued our marriages with a firm foundation of Christianity. R wedding hymn was "They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Love." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XhUsJD0w1M
Lack of communications or less respect for each others feelings.
Lack of communication seems to be the number 1 answer. I agree with the lack of respect for each others' feelings too. Marriage is great, but it requires effort and understanding and respect. You hit the nail on the head.
My spouse said he "just didn't love me anymore." Bottom line - we grew apart. He wanted me to stay the little girl he had married, and I became a confident professional instead. We stopped communicating - and anything else that married couples do, and grew to only tolerating each other. The difference between my ex and I is that I had made a commitment, and was going to live by that commitment - - he didn't. In reality, I am a much better person without him - I really hated what I was turning into.
I am glad for you that you are happy now. It sounds like you gave it your all; he did not. Not only communication, but growing together & accepting change in each other is a core attribute of marriage. I wish you well. Thanks for commenting.
I feel like many are not ready to make the promise of, "until death do we part". That is a big promise to make. Especially if the decision was premature.
Boredom; as life is filled with too many alternatives, one becomes bored after a while, and the things one found once so fascinating, become a part of a devastating routine.
Because may be both husband and wife have a relationship with others which is illegal. One should love only one person. One heart can not be given to two people...
I think the reason is most people have unrealistic view towards life. They see marriage as a romantic fantasy and their expectations are so high with their partners when fantasy meets reality, they usually end up getting disappointed overtime. People give more attention to just getting married rather than planning on how to make it a long lasting relationship. They are not ready for the committment.
A valid pt. Many couples marry for the romance +/or custom of marriage & not 4 the purpose of living out their lifetime with someone else. None of us are perfect & we all change physically & mentally over time.
by Vanmil 12 years ago
Why do 50% of marriages end in divorce?
by Jewels2940 8 years ago
I know that getting married young was probably the first sign that marriage was maybe a bad idea, but a marriage isn't going to work when only one person is putting forth an effort to make it work. I was 22 when I got married; I thought that I was happy until my husband quit his job. I understand...
by Elena 5 years ago
If a person has divorced 3 times, would you conclude that the person has an underlying problem?
by Annie 12 years ago
If half of all marriages end in a divorce: How long does the average marriage last?
by ngureco 4 years ago
Should a wife allow her husband to attend the funeral of ex-wife who divorced him 15 years ago?
by Tina Boomerina 7 years ago
Why don't people in their 20s and 30s get married anymore?In the 70s, when I was in my twenties, men and women got married and, usually, wanted to have families. What has happened to change that?
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