To live life not knowing what is next sometimes excites me but mostly it worries me. I have issues with patience and letting go of control. Maybe my control issues stim from being the oldest sibiling and one of the oldest cousins..??? I feel I have to know what my man is doing at all times or I don't feel "safe" When he says "I'm running errands" I must know what the errands are...how long will he be? It's not like he has ever been unfaithful to me and after years of being together you think I would realize that he is probably just running to the bank! I consume him so much I sometimes push him away. The more I want to know...the more he pulls away. And, I don't want to be that needy chick!
Fellas: Why is it when we run to you, you pull away but when we ignore/avoid you, you come running in fear that we are pulling away?
Ladies: Who feels or have felt my pain on these issues what can we do to just CHILL and RELAX and let the man be...well...a Man?
First of all, trust him. Really trust him. I am the oldest sibling and one of the oldest cousins. I like to know what, where, when and why, but I trust my man, so if he says he needs to run some errands, he needs to run some errands. He has never given me reason to doubt him, but his time estimates are poor. I have learned that "I'll be right back" means at least 15 minutes, if not an hour. "I'm just going to stop by..." means at least an hour. After three hours, I call, because by that point the next meal has been sitting ready for over an hour.
If you have a really hard time not worrying about his safety, ask when he plans to be back, then add at least an hour to that for actually expecting him back, 'cause life does not always go as planned. Call if you need to to keep your peace of mind, but don't freak out at him. He is not a child and he is not yours to control.
You should read the book "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. It'll help you see how destructive being a controlling person can be. I plan to write a hub on this book. It's certainly helped me realize why I do it and how to stop it.
I think it's one thing when people aren't very comfortable not knowing what's next in their life. Some people, more than others, like to take steps to control their own life and hope nothing throws off their plans. Trying to control another person is a different thing.
As someone who seems to have with more than my share of people who think they have a right to try to control me, know my whereabouts, and generally expect me to act like I'm a teen and they're the parent - what it boils down to is someone who tries to have that much control over someone doesn't respect the other individual. People who do what you've described don't trust the other person to make the right judgments, to be honest, or, in general. I think it has something to do with some people's ego. Respectfully, and only because you asked, I think you need to ask yourself what gives you the right to think you ought to be in control of another adult. As someone who has been on the receiving end of that kind of thing, it's pretty offensive and disgusting (to me) to have someone act as if s/he doesn't even see that I'm a capable, sensible, decent, human being. What it amounts to is being pushed into keeping the other person at arm's length and knowing this is not someone who deserves too much in terms of relationship, because the "control freak" isn't good relationship material. Basically, you're either horribly insecure or else think you're the only one who "knows anything" - or both. In any relationship that's healthy, one person can't think s/he is "better" or "over" the other one. Thinking you are will destroy any relationship with anyone who is at all normal.
If some guy pulls away from you it may be that you're way too much for him and he has to, in order to preserve his own autonomy. If he acts like he's worried about losing you it could be that he likes you and knows you don't mean to be so destructive in the relationship; but he may not think it's enough (yet) to end the relationship. The other thing is there's the chance that what looks like pulling away to you is just asserting his own autonomy. In that kind of one-sided controlling relationship, the other person can be understanding up to a point, and all can seem mostly OK in the relationship - until the person just can't stand it any longer and leaves.
by Nichol marie2 years ago
Why try so hard to be in love, when you are already? a lot of people analyze it way too much,and it creates fictional problems for them,that they need to fix but can't because there not real.
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