Do you think doing too much for a guy in a relationship, turns him off?

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  1. BobbiRant profile image61
    BobbiRantposted 13 years ago

    Do you think doing too much for a guy in a relationship, turns him off?

    A friend told me that doing too much for a guy, his laundry, cooking, shopping, especially in a new relationship, can turn a guy off.  She said the more he does for himself makes him feel better.  Do you agree?

  2. obasi profile image57
    obasiposted 13 years ago

    You need to know that every body has got the way they behave. Like me if i hv a girl that can give me her best i will be the happiest man in the world. That will make me belive that somebody is there for me that will also multiply my love.

  3. Ashantina profile image60
    Ashantinaposted 13 years ago

    It depends, its very cultural. The majority of African men would love this..

  4. nightwork4 profile image61
    nightwork4posted 13 years ago

    for me yes. i don't want a slave i want compatibility. i once dated a woman who claimed she loved doing all kinds of things for me. after a couple of months this slowed down , then when ever she was upset , she would throw what she did for me in my face and act like i had made her do these things. i'd rather have a woman who does things only because she wants to , not because she thinks it will keep me around.

  5. Visual Hobbyist profile image60
    Visual Hobbyistposted 13 years ago

    Ehhhhh, well, I think that doing nice things for a guy is one thing, like taking him out to dinner or cooking for him every once in a while. But doing his laundry and cleaning his place? My boyfriend says that unless there was a ring on my finger, he would feel weirded out if I did those kinds of things for him. It really depends on the guy: some guys might like to be taken care of in that way; others may feel that they are being too coddled by someone akin to their mother, or someone who is clingy. The problem with doing too much for a guy is that it can drive them away--if you get too comfortable in their personal space, they may feel like the relationship is moving too quickly, especially in a new relationship.

  6. brittanygc profile image68
    brittanygcposted 13 years ago

    In my relationship, from the beginning I did things for him, cleaned his room/house, did his laundry, cooked, etc. But when we met he wasn't big on cleanliness, so he appreciated someone cleaning his stuff. But he also did things for me, took me out and paid for everything. Now we share responsibilities with the house and kids. It really does depend on the guy, some will love it, and some will hate it.

  7. profile image51
    garystuffposted 13 years ago

    It's a question of degree if she's not working and he is, and she does all that stuff then perhaps that's a 'natural' or culturally acceptable domestic division of labour.  This is actually a far more complex question than it would at first appear - but - and here's the thing - all men are different - and I would guess that a certain type of man would like this behaviour and another wouldn't - it's a question of figuring out the individual 'male motive'.  Personally I wouldn't like it, but, I would also dislike a partner who sat on their lazy behind all day too.

  8. ms_independent profile image78
    ms_independentposted 13 years ago

    Absolutely. It's all about the chase, give-and-take. If you just give all the time, you'll just be taken advantage of. It's not sexy.

  9. Vaiebhav profile image75
    Vaiebhavposted 13 years ago

    the key thing here is respect. If there is mutual respect, the relationship survives. Then there's no such thing as "too much".  After all we are all inter-dependent. We have to do things for each other.

    1. yssubramanyam profile image61
      yssubramanyamposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      well said.

  10. sparksdaniel2000 profile image72
    sparksdaniel2000posted 13 years ago

    I am going to say it 'depends' on what "doing" is...If "doing" is sex--NO.  If "doing" is ironing underwear--YES. But, understand this; providing comfort is not a problem when it is reciprocated or when he is "doing" for you.  Many times insecurities makes 'givers' feel like they are doing too much, but if giving provides pleasure; by all means...GIVE! I am married to a woman who gives and let me say it turns me on. But, if I was dating, and a girl offered to pick up my dry cleaning before she even knew my last name I'd like I depends. Hope I helped. Good question, by the way.


  11. shegzy101 profile image55
    shegzy101posted 13 years ago

    Well for me i don't think doing the basic things you've stated in your question can put a guy off infact it can make him love you the more just for that alone but my concern is to know when to draw the line because guys can be funny at times and the seemly little things you think you are doing to please him can be used against you later on.

    Also, don't give yourself cheaply to a guy because guys like "competition" in the sense that they want to feel they are fighting for their love but if you are just presenting it on a platter of cheap stock then he's going to see you as a weak & desperate person and that could make him cheat on you.

    So watch it sis and make sure he genuinely appreciate everything you are doing for him or else he could just be using you.

  12. Anthea Carson profile image60
    Anthea Carsonposted 13 years ago

    If you are just dating, I think it can be a turn off to a guy. If you are married or in a truly committed relationship it might be positive, but if you aren't, it just turns him off, especially if he is a commitmentphobe. Which if he is, might be best to turn him off anyway. That way you don't wait around. Depends what your goals are. If you think doing things for him will win him over to a commitment, it probably won't.

  13. mviadam profile image60
    mviadamposted 13 years ago

    Totally depends on how long you have been together. After a year I'd say you are in the clear to do more.  But in the first year of a committed relationship if you do chores for him he'll see you as his mom, not his girlfriend and therefore you lose appeal.

    You want to keep a man do 3 things:

    rock star sex.
    cook well.
    stroke his ego.

    You do that consistently and he'll slay dragons for you.

  14. tysanders profile image60
    tysandersposted 13 years ago

    I think doing too much for a guy when he doesn't deserve it makes him respect you less and also makes him ungrateful. There's nothing wrong for doing nice things for a person you care about but they need to earn it. Otherwise they will take your kindness for granted. It's just human nature. I also think in relationship (particularly new ones) it's better if you are equally doing things to please each other.

  15. Bredavies profile image61
    Bredaviesposted 13 years ago

    I think it depends on what type of guy your going after.

  16. legallchew profile image58
    legallchewposted 13 years ago

    anything too much could be dangerous. being in a relationship should still uphold each person's individualism.

  17. profile image53
    Umbesabroposted 13 years ago

    I think it depends on the men. My wife is doing much for me and I always try to repay the same.

  18. stclairjack profile image78
    stclairjackposted 13 years ago

    not to sound like dr phil, but if you have to ask, then you probubly already have the answer. i've been through 2 husbands, boyfriends, one nights, 30 days, ect,... and my advice is,... it realy doesnt matter what HE thinks about it,... if you LIKE doing these things, then do them, its part of who you are,... and if it bothers him, then let him go, ....if you dont like doing it but are engaging in this because you think it'll keep him,,... its a lie,.... and the worst person you can lie to in the world is yourself.

  19. miszsfaboo profile image61
    miszsfabooposted 13 years ago

    turn off? no. push-over maybe. if you come off too strong too early, it may give him the wrong impression of you, namely "that you will do anything." if you guys are grown then he can do his own laundry. i dont think its courtesy to do anyone's laundry.

  20. profile image50
    banks46posted 13 years ago

    It all depends on boundaries. A guy with strong boundaries and no ulterior motive will be turned off because doing all that stuff for him will feel like you were giving yourself away in the relationship. Some guys look specifically for the girl who'll give herself away because he gets catered to in the process. Aim for the guys with strong boundaries and who seek a relationship for the healthiest reasons - to share, grow, explore, seek a life partner. If you feel like you're doing too much, you are! If the "doing" isn't reciprocated, the dyad gets out of balance power-wise. I believe you can only have a strong relationship with strong boundaries in place. As I see it, the best intent in relationship is to give yourself without giving yourself away. Good luck...

  21. Notrum profile image69
    Notrumposted 13 years ago

    Yes. You should be a partner, not a doormat.

  22. profile image56
    LucindaBposted 13 years ago

    People, men and women, should take responsibility for looking after their personal needs themselves. When you're ill some soup and sympathy are very welcome, but on the whole sharing should not include the boring bits.

  23. duffsmom profile image60
    duffsmomposted 13 years ago

    If you do those things for a man, once you are married, he will expect it--why wouldn't he--and believe me the newness of it wears off--then what?  When not married, let him take care of himself, you take care of yourself and then if you marry--come together and care for each other.  So yes, do too much for someone, can be off-putting and makes the doer look insecure as if she is looking for approval and trying to make an impression.  Be yourself.

  24. letscithappen profile image60
    letscithappenposted 13 years ago

    I'm not sure if it would turn him off. But remember a relationship is a two way street, he should be doing for you also. In a new relationship it feels great doing for someone and helping them out. but also remember when the relationship progresses the guy might expect this from you all the time. Its okay that you do it if you like it and enjoy it. but it might start feeling more like a job as time goes on.

  25. profile image0
    Rusty C. Adoreposted 13 years ago

    Ultimately I think it depends on the guy (everyone is different after all). I personally think that there is a line or... a balance to have when you do things for other people (man or woman, spouse, relative, or friend) because while doing things for others is nice and can make us feel good about ourselves it can also lead to being taken advantage of.. and who wants that?

  26. rachelsholiday profile image61
    rachelsholidayposted 13 years ago

    I'll just echo what everyone else is saying.  The relationship needs to be based on respect.  You need to respect yourself and your partner enough to talk about what is appropriate and what is not.

  27. Bluebloodchris profile image59
    Bluebloodchrisposted 12 years ago

    It all depends on the guy, and depends on the severity of the relationship. I love it when my girlfriend of two years does things for me. It's hard to think of too many situations where trying too hard is a bad thing. But it definitely depends. Every relationship is different.

  28. Pamela Sarzana profile image59
    Pamela Sarzanaposted 12 years ago

    You're starting a new relationship. Diving in and running his errands, doing his laundry, cooking and shopping for a guy probably would and should scare the "bejesus" out of him.

    It's fine to pick up a bottle of wine. But thats about where it should end. You shouldn't be picking up his dirty undies and certainly not washing them.

    Remember, you are setting the stage in any new relationship. You are  his new girl friend... not his mother.  And  hopefully his mother isn't doing his laundry any more either.

  29. PurvisBobbi44 profile image91
    PurvisBobbi44posted 12 years ago

    I am not the type to take care of a guy---he should be able to do his own chores. And then when he is finished he can do mine, if he wants to, if not oh well, he will not get a good score from me.
    If a man wants a woman's attention, I will say he is the one who should please her---otherwise, a woman will appear needy if she does everything for a man--hoping to get his love and attention, and that is not attractive in a man or woman.

  30. Rogochuks profile image66
    Rogochuksposted 12 years ago

    That is bolderdash; that is truly the way to a smart mans heart.

  31. danielleantosz profile image73
    danielleantoszposted 12 years ago

    I think it can def. be a turn off. Also, you are setting your self up to become resentful later in the relationship.  My momma told me not to do anything for a man that you aren't willing to do for the rest of your life- Its kind of like false advertising!

  32. profile image0
    Saugasfinestposted 12 years ago

    Where exactly are all the women like you hiding??? Lol

    I am more than capable of not only taking care of myself, but going above and beyond for others as well. It's been a pretty thankless job though and i am always secretly disappointed that i haven't found someone who has the drive and know how to bring the same to the table.

    If doing too much for a particular someone is a turn off to him.... Leave. Move to Mississauga, and look me up wink

  33. profile image0
    Guantaposted 12 years ago

    I think men are a funny breed.  Whether it's a new relationship or not.  If you do too much, they seem to loose interest, on the other hand, if you don't give them enough time they start to behave like five year olds.

  34. Le_connaisseur profile image61
    Le_connaisseurposted 12 years ago

    Yes and No.

    If it's someone you are going to spend the rest of your life with, then no, it's not gonna turn him off. Au contraire!

    If it's someone you just met and you think he is hot so you are ready to do everything to please him then yeah. He is not gonna care much and won't feel bad to leave you either.

    I broke up with some ladies like that because they are trying a little too hard when I wasn't that into them.

  35. Moms-Secret profile image77
    Moms-Secretposted 12 years ago


    Just as a spoiled child will have psychological consequences on the child and shape that child's attitude, doing tons of things for a guy married or not can have dulling consequences on a relationship.

    Besides that you invite the inner speech when he does not make such an effort for you.  You may notice and focus too much on the self centered and selfish nature of some men.

  36. showuright profile image61
    showurightposted 12 years ago

    It may not turn him off, but he may see you as trying to hard and take you for granted. Be yourself. If you don't cook every night, don't pretend. He should like you for who you are, not the services you provide. Honesty is the best policy.

  37. dashingscorpio profile image80
    dashingscorpioposted 12 years ago

    Be yourself and never second guess staying true to you!
    There is far too much "bait & switch" going on with dating. A person bends over backwards to "impress " you in order to get you emotionally invested only to revert back to their "natural self". A woman who goes from cooking up a storm for her man in (the begining), to telling him, "You got two hands fix it yourself!" is one such example.

    It's not uncommon to hear a person say, "She/he is not the same person (I fell in love with)."
    Awhile back I wrote a hub on this subject that gives more of my opinion on behaving to "impress" early on. … ebeginning

    Aside from the "Disingenuous" behavior some people use to "lure" someone in emotionally I think the real danger in "doing too much" is killing the romantic/passionate side of the relationship by making "domestic activities" a top priority.

    Any man's mother or a maid could cook, clean, and run errands. It's the physical intimacy of touching, holding hands, hugging, kissing, showering together, snuggling while watching TV, dinner by candle light, flirting, using sexual innuendo, romantic getaways, and passionate sex that separates "relationship love" from any other kind of love.

    The biggest difference between "relationship love" and (paternal, friendship, and family love) is sexual/romantic desire. Investing (too much time) on things a man could do for himself or have someone else do rarely makes him feel "special". Men would rather feel "desired" than "taken care of."

  38. catsimmons profile image82
    catsimmonsposted 12 years ago

    Being too "fussy" can be a pain...if you're expecting praise for every little thing, that's a pain too!! Plus doing things he wanted to do himself, or giving up time with him to do stuff for him...

  39. Mhile profile image60
    Mhileposted 12 years ago

    I experienced doing something for a guy like cooking,calling him before he gets late,reminding his schedules but i think those things are not too much.I ask him that question one time actually and he said all i am doing are the best.I think doing too much for a guy makes him feel his helpless.And even me the same way don't want to be treated to much and for sure i will feel helpless too.I may ask some help but not all the time especially i can do it.I do things something special  like appreciating simple things he did for me.Like picking me up from work or dinner with lovely flowers during our anniversary.I think it does it best not doing too much for guy because it gives a space for the two of you also.Just give help if needed.

  40. yssubramanyam profile image61
    yssubramanyamposted 11 years ago

    Real partners do not have such question. they keep doing every thing at every moment and desires to do much more. the pleasure in living together never brings tiredness.

  41. ReneeDC1979 profile image60
    ReneeDC1979posted 11 years ago

    I think this is too much if you are only doing it to keep him around.  If that is the type of person you are, then I don't necessarily fault you.  But, I would have to ask why would you do that at the beginning of the relationship?  You are still introducing yourself to each other - what you like, your pet peeves, your goals, activities, favorite places and things.  If you take away his independence and do EVERYTHING for him then what is he offering?

  42. profile image53
    frumpletonposted 7 years ago

    Let him keep his independence.  He doesn't want a mother.  If you do everything for him, he will always expect that from you.  Also, how many men want to sleep with their mother?  Give him his space.  If you eat at his house, it's o.k. to do the dishes.  It is not o.k. to clean his entire house unless you are house-sitting (or living together).

  43. profile image52
    Cher43posted 7 years ago

    If you are not his wife why would you be doing all of that just coming into the relationship. Stop doing that and see if he would do that for you.

  44. Jaxxi profile image59
    Jaxxiposted 6 years ago

    Absolutely.  You dont want to be his mom. Hes got one of those.


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