Are men the only ones?

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   Walt Smithposted 12 years ago

   My question is this, simply put...Are men the only ones discriminated against during a divorce. It seems to me that a lot of people out there (women)like to bash the man for leaving lose ties with their children after a divorce. What about the ones who were forced out of their childrens's lives? Let me hear what you have to say...(men & women)...

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      TamCorposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      You know, there are so many variables that come into this...yes, I've known men who have abandoned their children after divorce(my own situation), and I've heard of men who have fought to get more visitation, and be more involved with their children.
      
      The courts do tend to lean towards the mother, in most circumstances.  It's not fair to the fathers at all, I agree. To go from seeing your children every single day, to every other weekend, and certain holidays, plus the occasional weekday thrown in, is so unfair--to both the father, and the children.
      
      I admit, though, that in my case, I did try to keep my kids from their biological father, but with good reason.  He'd become an alcoholic and a drug abuser, and my kids were afraid to be with him, because he would drive with them, while having a beer can in his hand. And he would be "out of it", as they put it, many times, while they stayed with him at his place.
      
      But, in my county, the judge who ruled on these cases was extremely biased against women(he went through a bad divorce himself), so when we took it to court, he didn't believe a word I said, and accused me of "coaching" my two kids on what to say about their father's habits. So in the end, we lost, and the kids were forced to go with this drunken drug abuser.  In parting, the judge said that my ex-husband shouldn't drink around the kids anymore, and actually chuckled after he said it.
      
      Luckily, the kids survived.  But my ex-husband died an early death from the abuse.
      
      And the judge? Oh, yeah--he was arrested last year for driving while intoxicated...  But, for some reason, he is still on the bench. Small town judges...Go figure.
      
      Anyway, that's my thoughts on this...

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         Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Wow, that sucks. Sorry, I sat here for a while trying to think of the perfect way to address this...and that was all I could think of to say...Sucks. My heart goes out to ya, that would be a hard situation to deal with. I guess my question couldn't have been any more cruel sounding, but you answered with grace and I thank you. I get the part about the judge very well. The one presiding over my fate was an old war buddie of my soon to be ex father-in-law. That kinda sucked too, yeah and he has had 7 DUI's, no convictions. God luck and God bless....W

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            TamCorposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            
            
            
            Thank you, Walt.   I didn't think your post sounded cruel at all, just honest, so please don't worry about that!
            
            And what is it about these judges? How are they allowed to continue on the bench after breaking the law themselves?  I just don't understand it.  We even wrote letters to every political figure we could think of, including the bar association, to try to get something done about this judge, but nothing worked. It's crazy, it's frustrating, and it's so unfair.
            
            This happened to us quite awhile back now, as the kids are in their mid-20's now, with families of their own.  They had a lot to work through, but having a wonderful "step" father(we never use that word, step) has helped them see that not all fathers are like their biological one was--HE became their "real" dad a long time ago. 
            
            In fact, when my son turned 18, he changed his last name to his "real" dad's last name...that's how much he loves and respects him, as does my daughter, who asked him to walk her down the aisle the day she got married, and gave her first son her "real" dad's name as a middle name...
            
            So everything worked out in the end, no matter how hard it was, getting to that point! 

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               Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

               That could go on a Hallmark card, and you deserve it. My favorite quote kinda shines a little light on it for me...Edwin Morrow,The only thing need happen for evil to triumph, is for good men (or women) to do nothing. I believe that the way it turned out is in no small part that you did something, proving my philosopphy that parenting starts @ home...W

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      Dave Mathewsposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Divorce is a painful thing for both parties. I really feel sorry for the children though for they begin thinking it is their fault that the divorce is happening and then mom and dad begin fighting over custody and who how and when and where the child will be able to visit with this parent or that parent.

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         Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         You're correct, the hardest part is the children. To anyone out there that is thinking of giving in to avoid problems, don't the problems only grow exponentially as time passes. Thanks for the imput Mr. Matthews, it helps to see all sides and I wish you good luck, and God bless...W

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      dutchman1951posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Walt, it is hard to argue for on this one. Our male track records are not that good!

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      1. 61

         Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Yeah I get it, but like I said above, it doesn't help when the judge is against you. I know everybody likes to blame someone else, but it was obvious that he had it out for me. His loss, I'm actually pretty darn cool... ...W

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      drfurrposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Read my articles that talk about exactly what you are saying. You can find them at  http://hubpages.com/hub/Divorce-Lies-1

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   Cagsilposted 12 years ago

   Divorce is a painful experience. It creates anger and many actions derived from anger do more damage than realize. Is it discriminatory? I guess it would appear that way, but usually it boils down to "why" of the divorce to begin with.

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      Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I suppose you are correct, well I know you are correct. Never did too many things not to be proud of, or so I thought. I think men get the first kick because it USUALLY is the man doing the damage, but not always. Thanks for your comment, good luck to you...W

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   Lisa HWposted 12 years ago

   This thread "inspired" me to write a whole Hub in response to the question.  (Thanks for the idea.    )
   
   Hub aside, my reply to the question would be "no, men aren't the only ones."

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      Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I know we (they) aren't the only ones being descriminiated against. I used that line to get more people to respond. Good luck on your hub, I'll look for it and put in a good word on it. Hasta la vista, amiga...W

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         Lisa HWposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         The Hub's all up.  Your line inspired me to whip up a Hub about 45 minutes after seeing the thread. 

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            Cagsilposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            I don't dare write a hub on it, considering I've never been married, which also means I've never been divorced either.
            
            I could just imagine the comments I would receive.

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            Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            They say write what you know, Since I really don't know anything about anything, it's getting harder and harder.  :] Thanks for your imput and good luck to you...W

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   TamCorposted 12 years ago

   I need to clarify something from my post. At first I mentioned that my ex had abandoned his kids, then later I told of our court battle for visitation...
   
   In the beginning, my ex spent time with the kids.  After a couple of years, he quit seeing them on a regular basis, when they were about 8 and 9 years old.
   
   Then he quit seeing them completely.

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      Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I think I might know why. That's the age most kids start "gettin it" so to speak, or at least mine did. They can see the thin red line between BS and the truth. It is extremely hard to look your children in the eyes when you are having doubts about yourself, heck it's hard to when you don't. I think your children are going to be just fine, you sound like a pretty smart cookie yourself, I would bet the farm and both dogs on that....W

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         TamCorposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         
         
         And thank you for this, too...
         
         You're right--the kids DID start getting it, at that age--they started speaking out, and defending themselves, and he didn't care for that at all...
         
         But, in the end, when he died on his 50th birthday, these two kids paid for his funeral...and they hadn't even talked to them for many many years...their dad and I are very proud of them for being able to put the past behind them and do that.

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            Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            See, I was right about SOMETHING, I'm glad to hear about the kids doing well. I told my children the other day that  they should appreciate what they have and that they would miss me when I am gone... My son (17) looked at me and smiled, then said "I think that is a lesson I'll have to learn for myself", the apple and tree and all that. I realized that no matter what his mom said, he still turned out just like me. Glad I could add something to this, I hope to hear from you more in the future. Good luck and God Bless...W

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   optimus grimlockposted 12 years ago

   I will say this: women get the kids simply because they gave birth to them(hard to argue against) when in certain situations the men are better parents. It's also harder for a man to convience a judge he's a better parent.

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      Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Yes it is harder to convince a judge your the man for the job. I understand where you are coming from on the whole "gave birth" angle, but I'm not buying it. If you buy a car and take excellant care of it for twenty years, should the guy who built it in the factory be able to just come and take it home with them....W

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   Daniel Carterposted 12 years ago

   It took almost 8 years for my exwife and I to be civil to one another. My children had almost nothing to do with me for nearly 4 years after the divorce. I would make vacation plans and they would refuse to join me as I showed up that the house to pick them up.
   
   Disparaging of the other parent is supposed to be illegal, but it never stopped my ex from doing it. I was forced to be silent and mind my own business while intervening years did the work for me. In the end former friends and neighbors asked me to verify things for them and I still refused, stating that it would only jeopardize my relationship with my children, which was finally getting better.
   
   In the end, my ex and I both had to grow up and forgive and learn how to be civil to each other. We are not friends, but we are cordial. That's enough.
   
   My experience, and the experience of many of my divorced male friends is that women are protected from their own bad behavior in many cases. It may not be fair, but it's what actually happens.
   
   But for what it's worth, I know of several women who certainly didn't deserve the horrible treatment they received from their exhusbands.

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      Walt Smithposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Well I'm working on seven, o maybe I am at the end of my journey. Thanks for the advice, I have always been the "measure twice" kinda guy and personal stories like this seem to help more. Good luck to you...W

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   andydupposted 12 years ago

   I have busy now for the last 6 month trying to get over why my wife after 10 years of marriage would wait until I was away grab my son of 7 sell of most of the household goods and flee to another country, this is abduction. We had what I thought was a very good relationship and was very close to my little boy. So the point I want to make here is this. Just because a women gives birth to a child does not give her automatic right to be a good mother. Many more mothers now are abusing their children than ever before and the good fathers still get it in the neck. This is a sure sign that society is reaching breaking point as family life erodes.It very important to remember children need two parents living together.

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